Between a Little Piece of Heaven and the Danger Line

A wave of relief flooded over my body from my ears as soon as I heard those words come out of Johnny’s mouth. I was so glad that he had accepted us. He was one of my best friends; the last thing I wanted was for him to hate me. In the corner of my eye, I saw Matt give Johnny a small nod, as if he had really given him a good talking to. Johnny then turned to me, and I put down my guitar before standing. He walked over and gave me a friendly hug that didn’t feel awkward whatsoever.

“I’m so stupid. Liking men doesn’t change the fact that you’re my best friend,” he said quietly during our embrace.

“It’s okay. You were totally right to freak out on me,” I commented after he had let go of me. Even though Johnny hadn’t been too quick about it, I had pulled my arms down to my sides as soon as possible in case he got slightly freaked out.

“It’s not okay. Seriously,” Johnny stated before taking a few more steps to where Zacky was sitting, guitar still in his hands. “Do you forgive me too, Zack?” In response, Zacky set his guitar down and stood to give Johnny a short hug.

“So you’re totally okay with... us being gay... together?” Zacky questioned as he sat back down. Realising I was still randomly standing, I sat down too and picked up my guitar while still focusing on their conversation. I noticed Matt was reading over some new lyrics he had brought in on a piece of paper, but I knew he was really eavesdropping too.

“Yeah... Yeah I’m cool with it,” Johnny replied casually. “Um, I don’t really want to bring this up right now, but I have to know...” I looked up from my guitar and stared at Johnny.

“You have to know what?” I questioned when he didn’t say anything. Johnny took in a deep breath before he continued to speak.

“You said Jimmy knew before you two knew... Can you explain that?” he asked softly, knowing anything about Jimmy was still a sensitive topic. I glanced over at Matt who put his head in his hands, probably being flooded by happy Jimmy memories.

“Well, according to Val, her and Jimmy knew that me and Zacky were attracted to each other,” I started, but I paused as I tried to think of the best way to word things without causing any of us to start crying again.

“Like, if there was an interview coming up, he’d try to get us to go together,” Zacky continued for me and I suddenly felt like I was transported back to a recent memory with Jimmy. There was a magazine wanting to do a short article on our new album and they had wanted to get a quick interview with two of us to see if the rumours of Avenged Sevenfold heading back into the studio were true. As soon as Matt had suggested that I should go to it, Jimmy was insisting that Zacky went too. I thought nothing of it at the time, thinking no more than Jimmy was having one of his random crazy moments, but now that I reconsider what had happened, it was clear that he was trying to push us together. How could I have been so blind? And to think that Zacky and I had ended up going to the interview together and basically spending the whole day together, having tons of fun, and it was all because of Jimmy. I missed him so much...

“Brian? Hey, are you okay?” I heard Matt calling to me and I blinked a few times, snapping out of my little flashback and coming back to reality.

“Yeah I’m good,” I quickly lied before looking back over at Johnny and Zacky, only to see them wearing the same dumbfounded looks as Matt was.

“Babe, you’re crying,” Zacky whispered. I then noticed that my cheeks were indeed wet with tears.

“Was it Jimmy?” Matt asked gently, probably knowing darn well that it was him. As soon as Matt spoke his name, I felt my body being taken over by that depressed mood that had possessed me since I found out he had passed. The only thing that had rid me of it was Zacky.

“I need some air,” I mumbled as I stood up, almost dropping and breaking my guitar. I hastily grabbed my leather jacket and walked out, probably leaving my best friends (and boyfriend) completely shocked. But then again, I was the closest to Jimmy. I always had been. Don’t get me wrong, everyone else was his best friend too, but Jimmy and I were the absolute bestest of best friends. If the others had moved on from his death, then I understand. But there is no way in hell that I will be okay soon.

I stood outside of the studio watching the heavy rain, barely under the shelter the building provided. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair before pulling out my packet of Marlboro smokes. I selected one that looked more appetising than the others and discarded the half empty packet into my pocket again. Two seconds later, I was fumbling with my lighter and then another two seconds later I was taking in a deep breath of the numbing smoke. I puffed out the smoke slowly with my eyes closed, feeling my body relax slightly. Damn, cigarettes were so good. I’d never give up this addiction.

After taking another long drag, I looked up at the grey sky. I held onto my breath for as long as I could, savouring the sensation of the smoke in my lungs before I breathed it out upwards. Jimmy would never know how much I missed him. I wish he could. He needs to see how much pain I’m in, because if he knew, then he’d know what to do. Jimmy always knew what to do. He was the best friend I could have ever asked for. I guess he’d tell me to open up to the guys. After all, they are my best friends. They would understand how I felt and would try to help me. That’s what best friends do. And surely Jimmy just wants me to be happy. But I can’t move on. I just can’t.

I brought my head back down to look at my half used cigarette, realising my cheeks were now even wetter. Jesus Christ, I’m so out to it I can’t even realise when I’m crying anymore. I swore quietly to myself and tried to sort myself out, but there was far too much stuff going on in my head, ranging from Jimmy to Zacky. Oh Zacky, you drive me crazy in so many ways... But how on earth can I love you when you don’t love yourself? Or when I can’t let go of Jimmy? Putting my cigarette up to my lips again, I noticed there was now not much left of it, so I discarded it in a puddle.

As I turned to go back inside, something tugged at me in my head, as if it was trying to prevent me from returning. I took my hand off the door handle and looked up at the sky again. I knew what I had to do.

Before I knew it, I was crouching on the ground in front of Jimmy’s grave, tears pouring down my cheeks. I just stared at the name on the stone as the rain did its best to drench me. He just couldn’t be gone... It just couldn’t be possible...

The rain slowed to a stop and the clouds parted to give way to a dim sun, like you always see on the movies. I looked up at the sun, but then quickly looked back down to Jimmy’s grave as my eyes started hurting. Stupid idea... But I felt like Jimmy was trying to send me a sign. I know it sounds stupid, but I just felt like I suddenly had a huge sense of spirituality. A tear slipped down my cheek as I stared at the engraved name of my best friend. What do you want to tell me, Jimmy? How do I be happy without you?

And, as if right on cue, Zacky spoke from behind me.