Between a Little Piece of Heaven and the Danger Line

We watched as he ran out of the studio, fat tears running down his cheeks. I felt my heart break a little, I could feel the pain all coming back. Jimmy and Brian were the closest of the five of us. They knew each other the longest, Johnny was the last to join the group, Matt was the second, and I was the third. I moved down from Sacramento in the middle of freshman year.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset him so bad.” Johnny spoke, a tremor of remorse in his voice.

“It's been something that's wanted to boil over for a long time.” I sighed, I should probably tell them. Matt looked at me confused, as well as Johnny. “I did something stupid when we first got together.” I admitted slowly, they nodded encouragingly, “I kinda went to extremes to lose weight.” They cocked their heads confused, “I also had some really bad nightmares. So instead of trying to cope the right way, I turned to bulimia and anorexia.” A look of understanding dawned on them, then Matt exploded.

“What the fuck were you thinking Zacky?” He sounded more hurt than angry, “We could have lost you. Did you stop to think what would happen if we lost you too?” His voice broke, Johnny looked heart broken too.

“I wasn't thinking okay? I know it was stupid of me, but all I could hear was that stupid voice in the back of my head on a loop, telling me it was my fault he was gone, telling me how I didn't deserve to live, and telling me how ugly I was.” I took a deep breath, I needed a cigarette, “When I made myself,” I paused looking for the right word to sugar coat it, but decided to just go for it, “puke, all that went away.”

“Wow, Nightmare, I get it now.” Johnny laughed humorlessly. It took a minute, but Matt and I joined in too. What a great group of friends we are right now, we needed Jimmy.

“I'm going to go check on Brian.” I told them, I needed to get out of the room, I felt better they knew my secret, but I also knew they were going to be watching me like a hawk now. I opened the door to the studio, just in time to see Brian's figure walk around a corner. I pulled out a smoke from the pack I had stored in my back pocket and began to follow him. He wound up at the cemetery, kneeling in front of the tombstone I knew so well. I watched for a few minutes as he cried before I spoke up.

“I remember in middle school, it was before I had met any of you a friend of mine's dad died. It was the day after Christmas, and totally unexpected. Who expects a 36 year old to die from a massive heart attack?” I rambled, Brian turned around a questioning look falling over his face. “We were twelve years old, and death was a foreign matter to most of us. To her it was another part of her life, at that point in time she'd been to 13 funerals in her life, including her dad's. When break was over, she came back to school and acted like nothing had happened. When I asked her why, do you know what she told me?” Brian shook his head, and I thought over how I was going to say this, then her words rang in my head clear as day. “She said, 'I can't let it show to my mom, my brother, anybody how tore up I am, because then I become weak, and in this world being weak is like a cardinal sin'.” Brian looked at me, as if asking to the point in this story.

“The point is, she was wrong, it's okay to show your vulnerable side, cause in a way that means your healing.” I saw his realization on why I told him this particular story dawn on him. It was my own little way of telling him, that in order for all of us to heal, we were going to have to get up close and personal with our emotions. Even when we didn't want too. I sat down beside him on the wet grass, ignoring the cold sensation that took over as the rain water seeped into my jeans. Brian's arm wrapped around me, and I rested my head in the crook of his shoulder. “I told the guys everything.” I whispered, barely hearing it myself. I felt his head turn and I looked up at him, his chocolate eyes were full of concern.

“You mean about your...” He trailed off, looking for the least offensive words.

“My eating disorder?” I asked bluntly, he nodded, cheeks tinted a light pink. “It's okay to say, remember, being vulnerable is the first step of healing.” He squeezed me closer, and together we gazed at the tombstone, a nostalgic silence surrounding the both of us.

“How did they take it?” He asked finally concerned.

With a small sigh I pulled out another smoke, and just twirled it in my fingers, “About as well as to be expected.” I watched my fingers as I twirled the little cancerous tube, “Kinda just confirmed how stupid I am though.” I sighed bitterly and finally lit the little bugger, breathing deeply the smooth smoke. Soon it was taken from my hand, I gave light protest and watched as Brian took a long drag.

“You're not stupid, you just did something that was stupid. I mean, you're over that now right?” I heard the hurt in his voice as he asked, it was then I realized how much I had hurt him.

“Yea babe, I'm over that. Someone very special to me is helping me learn how to love myself.” I told him truthfully as I stole my Marlboro back.

“Good, I'm glad.” His smile was so big and bright, I think the sun was getting ready to look for a new job. We stood up and trekked back to the studio. “You know, I never did ask how the dinner at your parents went.” I couldn't help but laugh as I started to tell him.

“Well they already knew apparently.” He looked down with a quirked eyebrow. “Yea. So I was all, Mom would you hate me if I was gay. She told me that she wouldn't. When I asked her if she would hate me if was bi. She replied with the fact that she would, because she didn't raise sluts and I would have to pick one or the other.” I paused and waited for his laughter to subside. “So I told her that was defiantly gay then. She then looks at me like I'm crazy, as does the rest of my family. Then she comes over pats me on the back, and replies with, 'You say this as if it's something we didn't know already.'”

We were in front of the studio now, and making our way to the back where the tables were, Brian was full out laughing by now. I glared at him, and as we turned a corner Matt, Johnny, and Mike who had gotten here while we were gone just stared at us.

“So what happened next?” He asked still laughing, almost choking on his mirth.

“She asked who gave me this hickey,” I gestured to the still dark mark on my neck, “Thanks for that by the way.” I told him, without a hint of resentment, mostly because he had one too. “So I told her you, my dad was like wait, Brian, as in Brian Haner? I confirmed, and next thing I knew my mom was squealing like a little girl on acid. My sister comes in asks what's going on. Charlie tells her, and she looks me dead in they eye, and asks me why I couldn't wait to come out until next week.” I pause to catch my breath, smoking would be the death of me.

“Why did she want you to wait a week?” Matt called from where they were sitting at the table.

I groaned, they were listening in now, and it was going to further show how crazy my family was, “Because they had a bet going around on when I was going to come out, Zina's bet was on next week.” I called over, everybody looked at me slack jawed, then at each other before they started cackling. I flipped them all off.

“So who won?” Johnny and Mike called at the same time, laughter erupting from them.

“Matt.” I called back, Brian was leaning on the building for support he was laughing so hard. Mike looked at Shadow's slightly confused. “No, not him, I have a little brother named Matt.” He nodded as I cleared the confusion. Eventually me and Brian made it to the table, where the lyrics Matt had been looking at were spread out.

Brian reached out and picked up one of the copy's, “What's this?” He asked as he began to read over them eyes flitting back and forth.

“Just a song I was working on.” Matt told him, picking his own copy up, it was wrinkled and torn around the edges.