Between a Little Piece of Heaven and the Danger Line

I swallowed the last of the Jack Daniels before I went to brush my teeth again. After a few days had passed, Dad had called me, wanting to talk in person to me, so I was going around now to see what he had to say. My nerves wouldn’t leave me, so I had had a quick drink to calm myself down, not breaking my promise to Zacky. Strangely enough, I doubted myself when I said it, and I still have this nagging feeling that tells me that I can’t keep it. But I would try my hardest, since Zack has kept all promises to me no matter what.

I popped my favourite black beanie with white skulls on my head to hide my untamed hair before grabbing my leather jacket and heading out to my car. The drive there went by a lot quicker than I wanted it to, and by the time I was getting out of my car, my nerves had returned. I really didn’t want to do this... I had no idea what was in store for me from my disappointed father. At the door, I took in a deep breath before I managed to grab the door handle and push the door open.

“Dad! I’m here!” I called out as I swung the door shut behind me.

“Coming!” I heard him call back as I took off my jacket and hung it up. I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans and stared at the ground as I heard my father’s footsteps getting closer. What was he going to say to me? Did he hate me? “Hi, son.” His tone was sombre, straight away telling me that this wasn’t going to be a good conversation. I gave a weak smile before going into his open arms to share a quick hug. Well, at least he wasn’t repulsed by me... yet.

“So, you wanted to talk?” I asked as we walked into the lounge, sitting down on opposite ends of the three-seater couch and facing each other.

“Yeah I did. Obviously about... you being... gay,” Dad answered, hardly able to speak. I never knew this could be so difficult for him. He was meant to love me no matter what, right?

“I was going to tell you myself...” I mumbled honestly. I was getting around to it, but the right occasion hadn’t arrived for me to come out, so I hadn’t.

“But why didn’t you when you were a teenager? Bri, we talk about everything,”he said sadly, making me feel extremely guilty.

“I didn’t know how you’d react... I thought you’d freak out and hate me...” I started to answer, but then trailed off once I realised that that nightmare I had had back when I was a teen had now come true. My father knew about my homosexuality, and now he was freaking out and hated me.

“You’re 28 years old and have been gay for how many years? And I have to find this out through a gossip magazine! Do you know how hurt I am that you didn’t tell me earlier?” Dad exclaimed, his voice cracking, which only proved to me how hurt he was about this.

“I’m sorry, Dad...” I whispered, not able to look at him anymore. He was right.

“This has to do with Jimmy, doesn’t it?” Dad questioned after a small pause from both of us. Tears uncontrollably welled up in my eyes.

“This has nothing to do with Jimmy!” I hissed, on the brink of crying. How could he blame this all on Jimmy?

“Son, I understand if you’re curious about men, and if you’re confused because of all the emotions Jimmy’s death brought, but you can’t just suddenly turn gay because of it,” my father said. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“So what, you don’t believe I was gay when I was a teenager?” I asked in disbelief. “You think this a sudden thing that is all because of Jimmy?”

“It seems logical,” he answered while nodding his head.

“That’s just fuckin’ insane, Dad! I’m not just having a fling with Zacky to get over Jimmy’s death, okay?” I shouted, making Dad flinch a bit from my outburst. “I love Zacky, and we’re happy together! And... Jimmy’s gone... I accept that... He wouldn’t want me moping around being sad, he’d want me to continue living life, and that’s what I’m doing...” My voice had lowered as soon as I started talking about Jimmy. A tear had slipped from my right eye, but I had quickly wiped it away. Unfortunately, he saw it.

“See? Jimmy’s overwhelming you with emotions, and that’s okay. That’s normal,” my father cooed in a gentle voice. “But you can’t just turn gay because of it.”

“I’ll say this one last time, Dad. I’ve been gay since I was a teenager. This has nothing to do with Jimmy,” I growled while glaring over at my father. He just shook his head and made me feel even worse about the whole situation. “This isn’t the type of conversation I wanted to have with you when you found out... But can’t you just accept me for who I am? I’m your son!”

“No! You’ve changed!” he yelled and I was taken aback by the fury in his voice. “You’re not my son anymore! Get out of my house!” Despite the urge to swear like crazy in his face, I refrained from doing so and just stood quietly and left. It was one of my worst nightmares. I always wanted my father to accept me and love me, and now he was doing neither. Sure, I understood that he was pissed off, but was what he had just said really necessary? The drive back to my house was full of tears, and I could hardly drive straight. I almost hit a few cars on multiple occasions because I was so distracted.

As soon as I reached home, I raced inside to the kitchen, quickly finding the sweet whiskey and downing multiple large mouthfuls before I realised what I was doing. I sat at my bench, head on the table as I cried my heart out for my father, and partly for Jimmy. All I wanted was for Jimmy to come over, embrace me in his kind arms and tell me it was okay, that he loved and accepted me for who I am. It might sound like crappy chick flick stuff, but Jimmy was sweet like that. He always knew what to say to make anyone feel better. And now I needed him more than ever, because my father was so disappointed in me and couldn’t accept the fact I liked men. Somehow, I picked my sore, spinning head up and forced more alcohol down my throat.

“Oh no... Zacky... What am I doing?” I asked no one in particular as I put the nearly empty bottle down. I rummaged around in my pockets until I found my phone, automatically getting up the screen to send a message to Zacky.

I’m sorry I text him, hitting the send button before I could change my mind. I was letting him down, breaking my promise... He had to know.

For what? read his reply, but I didn’t text back. All I wanted to do was drink more. Alcohol always numbed the pain, and right now, I was in a lot of pain. How could my father think that about me? How could he do something like that to his own son? He hated me...

Brian! What’s going on? was the next text my phone received, clearly from a panicking Zacky. I suddenly felt bad about making him freak out about a small amount of alcohol, so I drunk even more to get rid of that feeling too. I wanted to be completely numb and free of all the worries I had. My phone vibrated on the bench again, so I picked it up and read the next text.

I’m coming over. You’re scaring me Zacky was saying, but it hardly registered with my brain. I was gone, free from this world for a while as the alcohol took over my body. For some reason, I wanted to go to the lounge, so I stood up and headed in the general direction, stumbling a bit before I tripped on my own feet and fell onto the ground. I grumbled to myself as I lay sprawled out on the floor on my stomach, not able to move anymore. But then, I took in a deep breath and laid completely still. All of me was so numb, and it felt so good...