Between a Little Piece of Heaven and the Danger Line

I was confused as hell. That was all I had decided on in the last hour, well that and Cheetos were the ultimate comfort food. I was in my dark living room with a fresh bag of the crunchy little buggers, munching away. I was what many would call a comfort eater, I ate when I was sad, confused, happy, and depressed, and right now I didn't know what I was. Brian, well Brian was an enigma, he was everything and nothing at the same time. I don't mean that in a bad way, I suppose I had talked myself out of feelings for him a long time ago, but not completely, and now they were rushing back at full force. I popped another Cheetos in my mouth, then looked at the bag disgusted, I was going to get fat if I kept eating those, I looked down at the pudge that was my body, well fatter I relented.

If this had been any other time, Brian's feelings for me would have rendered me ecstatic, but now I was confused. With everything that was going on now, Jimmy, the depression, everything, I was caught in a whirl wind of emotions, and I didn't know how to deal. I was pulled from my thoughts to Icky's begging whine as he stared pleadingly at the bright orange bag beside me, I sighed and tossed him a couple of the orange crunchy sticks. A wet nose pushed into my forearm and I looked over to the super sized Majesty, and tossed her a handful as well. I sighed again and stood up, rolling the bag and and carrying it to the kitchen, I put it away, then I decided that I needed a distraction, and began to clean my entire house, it was a mess. I had let it go since Jimmy, and it was all my fault, I knew it was. Everybody knew it was, that's why Matt could barley stand my presence. No, he didn't come right out and say it, but I could sense it, the way he tensed when I came into the room.

I should just give up, I thought bitterly, clearing weeks worth of beer and Jack bottles. There were three layers to the mess that was my house, beer and Jack bottles, red plastic cups, these were mixed with real cups, silverware, and plates, then there was the dirt, laundry and soap scum layer. It should have normally taken me at least three days to clean the mess, but somehow in my distracted state I was finished in hours, to bad it felt like minutes. Still in need of distraction, I headed to the master bathroom, and turned on my shower, it was a spa shower, that had six heads. I stood under the scalding hot water for an hour, until my hot water tank was emptied, and it still wasn't enough to get Brian out of my mind.
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I don't think my house had ever been this clean. Three days since I last saw him, and I had an immaculate house to show for it. I had given up the comfort eating, actually I hadn't been eating at all, and moved straight to the comfort cleaning. The dogs were confounded by this new development, and were now afraid to move off of their pillow's. I was working myself to an early death, but it was nothing short of what I deserved, look what had happened to Jimmy because of me, and what was probably happening to Brian because of me too. My fingers were raw from the use of chemical cleanser’s and playing my guitar without a pick, I hadn't smoked in days, and I was always light headed from not eating. I just couldn't will myself to stop this constant abuse to myself. I had no appetite, I couldn't sleep, because the images of Jimmy were running though my mind like a movie on repeat, and when it wasn't Jimmy, it was Brian and the broken look I had last seen him wear.

It was nearing midnight, and I was laying in bed, shivering from the cold water I had dragged myself out of seconds before. I had taken the habit of staying in the shower until long after the scald of the water turned into frigid peaks of cold stabbing droplets. I had opted not to put clothes on, and just laid there, not wanting to crawl into the warmth of my down comforter. I was a horrible person who didn't deserve such comforts. A wet nose pressed itself into the small of my back, and I flinched and the tickling sensation, the bed dipped with added weight, and soon a large furry animal was using me as a pillow, sharing her warmth with me. This had become a recent habit of Majesty, I think this was her way of looking out for me. I reached back and patted her head, and ignored the tears that were making their way down my face.

There was a light layer of dew on the ground, that was normal, but what wasn't were the puddles, they were huge and the evidence of the storm that had happened the night before. The rain hadn't deterred the party though, if anything it had egged it on. It was a balmy Californian night, and simply spectacular. My birthday, I was another year closer to thirty, but I was to hungover to care at that moment. I was also worried, my best friend wouldn't let me drive me home in the pouring rain, insisting that he could walk there just fine. I protested, but before I even opened my mouth I knew that he had won. He always did. So I drove of, only slightly drunk, and planned on the other drinks I was going to consume as soon as I got to my place.

The days had faded to weeks, and before I knew it, the Christmas holidays had sneaked up on us, anybody who knew the Avenged Family, knew that the holidays were what we lived for. The holidays passed, then it happened, Jimmy was gone. I looked up, somehow I had gotten to the cemetery, and was looking at his headstone, the ground began to rumble, and soon there was a split where his coffin was situated, and his hand was pulling me, I could hear him yelling about how this was all my fault. Soon it was no longer his voice, but Brian's, and he was yelling at me, because I didn't love him.

I started with a gasp, and looked around, I was in my bed, the red numbers on my alarm told me it was three, and somehow I had cocooned myself in my blankets, Majesty at the foot of the bed. I wiped the cold sweat from my face, and ignored that fire that had ignited in my throat, from the screaming that had taken place in my dreams. I forced myself into an uneasy rest. The next time I woke up, a pair of hazel eyes were looking at me, worry etched in them.

“What are you doing here Val?” I asked, she snorted and threw a pile of clothes at me. She turned so she wasn't facing me and started to tap her foot, “You have one minute to get your ass out of that bed and dressed,” She snarled, I jumped up and was dressed in thirty seconds. She turned around, arms crossed, and eyes steely.

“Why haven't you been answering any of our calls?” She snapped, tapping her foot again. I shrugged, and recoiled as I felt a sharp sting across my face. “Zackary James Baker, do you know how fucking worried we were? You disappeared for days, I get here and your house is spotless, but you look like hell, what is going on?” She asked softly, cupping my face in her hands.

“I really like him, he likes me to, but I made a dizzy mess of everything.” I told her, “I can't let him see how broken I am.” I sobbed. She wiped my tears, and pulled me into her arms, Val was the only person I had told about my attraction to both the male and female populations. “I can't let him know that it's my fault Jimmy's gone.” She pushed me away, confusion written all over her face.

“Baby, who told you that it was your fault?” She asked, kindly, using the pet name she stuck on everyone, much to the displeasure of Matt. I looked down, and bit on my left snake bite, “Nobody had to.” Was the only explanation I offered, I saw a tear leak out of the corner of her eye.

She pulled me to her for a hug, she always gave the best hugs, “Baby, it wasn't your fault, nobody blames you.” She sounded so sure of herself that I almost believed her. “Now, I believe that you have a little something to fix with a certain, Brian Elwin Haner Jr?” My jaw dropped, how did she always know? “It's a gift Bub.” Was all she offered as she left.

It took me an hour to gain the courage to back out of my driveway, another to convince myself to drive to his house, and a half an hour to get out of the car, and ten minutes to knock on the door. It took me ten seconds after he opened the door to slam him on the wall opposite his front door, and cover his lips with my own.