Is Forgiveness Really an Option?
Out
Derrick walked down the steps carrying his case behind him. He didn’t want this. He knew it wasn’t what he needed either. He needed to stop drinking more than anything. But he hadn’t. He wasn’t going to, not even because he couldn’t. The reality was that he didn’t want to stop. He enjoyed it too much. He hadn’t agreed with her throwing him out because of this. What he had agreed with though was something she had said. He couldn’t be around Shane like this.
That’s why he had left. He wasn’t being a father. Only someone who was dragging Shane back with pitiful and pointless drinking. Why hadn’t he agreed to stop? She had offered him help. He hadn’t accepted it, so now. He was on the street with no where to go. His mom wouldn’t take him back in. She would have given her life to stop him being like this. She nearly had.
She had always done everything she possibly could to protect him, done everything she could to get the best for him. Now he had fucked it all up by drinking. He continued walking aimlessly down streets. Usually he’d go to work and bunk in his office. Today though there was a problem with that. It was Sunday, everything was closed. Besides Jenny had his work keys. They had been on the same key ring as his car keys. She wouldn’t have given him them if he had begged.
He stopped when someone called his name from behind him. He recognised the voice but couldn’t put a name to it. He span on his heels to see Jenny’s mom at the end of her garden looking at him. She indicated him to come over. He walked slowly and nervously. If there was only one woman to be scared of it sure as hell would be her. She was the scariest woman in Florida.
She looked at him and knew. She didn’t have to ask. Besides Kara had already told her what had happened. She knew he had been drunk Kara had told her that too. She in a way felt sorry for him as well as wanting to punch him. She didn’t expect better from him though. In her eyes he had always been the scum of the state. He had lived in a nice house, it was big and he had all the things the scum didn’t have. However he only had that through a good stroke of luck. She could tell. His whole family had a cheap vibe gone rich.
They weren’t even from Florida and that’s what she hated the most. She thought it like having a group of Mexican immigrant gypsies living in her back yard. Only, he daughter was married to one of them.
He reached her and she ran a hand over his fringe moving it from his eyes. She looked at him and could see, he really had been drunk last night. Kara really had taken advantage of the situation. Well. In that case she couldn’t entirely blame the young man in front of her. That didn’t mean she would like him any more. Only show him hospitality until he found somewhere to stay, first though she had to put him right.
‘What happened then Derrick? Did my daughter finally kick you out? She didn’t do the wrong thing if she did now did she lad?’
He shook his head. He knew she was right. He couldn’t argue with her. He didn’t see the point. Even if he tried he didn’t stand a hope of getting anywhere.
‘You’re hung over. You need a coffee. Come inside. Sit down. You can sleep here tonight if you wish. I have a sofa.’
The offer to him seemed tempting. But you didn’t have to be a genius to know she hated him. He couldn’t do with that. Staying in the house of a woman who hates him. She would give him shit and tonight, that was the last thing he needed. The park bench seemed more tempting than her sofa.
He shook his head and declined the offer. She sighed.
‘Very well, its your choice. I don’t want harm to come to you. My daughter still loves you, you know that?’
He knew it all to well. He didn’t need her mom to tell him so. She had cried when he was leaving even though she had practically asked him to go. She had probably called her mother and asked her to look out for him to make sure he was safe. She had offered to help him. Most of all though, she had over looked the real crime and blamed it on the alcohol he had been intoxicated on.
‘So where you going to go Derrick? Home? Your families?’
He shook his head to both.
‘My mom wouldn’t accept me back, Id make her cry and my dad would drop kick my ass out the door for doing that. So no.’
She looked at him. He was in pain, not only physically but he was hurting inside as well. She knew. She really did want to help him and not just for Jenny. The guy needed help.
‘Derrick, come inside, even for something to eat. I wont mention it and if you want to go in the morning you can and afterwards, nothing will change okay?’
He was about to say yes. Something to eat seemed like a great idea. He was hungry. All he had managed that morning was a couple of gulps of coffee. He needed something or he would faint and with no money in his pocket her offer seemed like a blessing from god. It was clear someone liked him, or the devil had lost the bet.
Just as he was about to say yes Kara came to the door. She looked at him and blushed. Catching her in the corner of his eye he shook his head. He couldn’t go in there with her there, It wouldn’t help anything. So the cards in heaven had been changed and Satan had the better hand. He was cool with that.
Jenny’s mother sighed quietly and pulled out five dollars from her pocket and handed it to him.
‘You’re not my child and I shouldn’t do this. Don’t blow it on alcohol or drugs, clear? Get something to eat and a bottle of soda. Maybe a coffee.’
she looked at Kara and took Derricks hand. Kara went inside and into the kitchen. She had to help him. She made a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator and took it outside for him. She handed it to him.
He took it and smiled.
‘Uh thanks, I guess.’
‘Okay Derrick, now go to your parents.’
With that both women went back in the house. Derrick kept walking down the street. The window was open and even when he reached the end of West Street to join the main road which would take him either to the beach and his parents house or out of Jacksonville he could still hear them arguing.
He took a left turn and across the road then down towards his parents house. It would be worth a try. Jenny wanted him to be safe and he wanted her to be happy.
It took him twenty minutes before he reached his parents house. He walked up the drive. His mother was sat on the porch and stood up when she saw him. It wasn’t usual for her son to come home like this without even a phone call. She knew there was something wrong. She got up and walked to meet him.
When she reached him she flung her arms around him and hugged him. His breath was warm against her. She felt a tear fall onto her t-shirt. Now she was sure there was something wrong. She looked at the case by his feet and sighed.
‘What happened?’
He shrugged and tried his hardest to avoid the question. Why did she have to ask such complicated things? What was the point? She hoped to receive something that by now she should know she wouldn’t get from him.
‘Derrick. Do not avoid the question. Look at me and tell me what had happened. You have bags, you’re here with no phone call. What’s happened and don’t lie to me.’
He took a deep breathe a prepared to tell her.
‘She threw me out.’
Sarcastic laughter filled the garden.
‘That’s clear. Did she throw you out for a reason? What did you do? She wont throw you out for nothing will she?’
He shook his head. Him lying to her was the least of her worries. He didn’t have a plan to lie to her. In fact the only reason he had hesitated was because he didn’t fancy her crying. Seemed there was no way out of that though. He couldn’t avoid the topic forever.
‘Because I wouldn’t stop drinking.’
She let go of Derrick and looked at him. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Her own son had gone against all she had taught him. First he had planned to have and created a child before he was married. She hadn’t complained or said anything about that, she had in fact pretended she didn’t know because she thought he would be a good dad. Now though he had bailed on his own son because he didn’t want to stop drinking.
‘You’re an alcoholic?’
He nodded. He didn’t know if he was or not. Or whether he just liked drinking. He heard his mother gulp and whine then she headed up the drive. At first he wasn’t sure if she would call him up to follow her or just leave him.
‘Move your ass up here then!’
He followed her in obeying her command. She went in the house first leaving him to shut the door. He put the case against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and entered the living room to see his older brother and dad sitting on the sofa watching TV. He was about to sit with them when he heard his mother call him from the kitchen.
He entered the kitchen to see her sitting by the worktop with a stool opposite her.
‘Close the door behind you and take a seat.’
He did as he was told. He took a seat as soon as his mother up and put the kettle on to make him coffee.
‘Mom, I have Mountain Dew.’
She looked at him in disgust.
‘Are you a child? What did I tell you about that stuff? It6 kills your teeth are you aware of that?’
He nodded and put it onto the work top. Not to his surprise his mother took it up and poured it down the sink.
‘I’m not saying coffee is good for you but right now its what you need and its better than that. We’re going to discuss this without your father. He doesn’t have to know. You can stay here for tonight and if we haven’t come to a conclusion in the morning you can spend an hour with the laptop finding yourself a hotel.’
He nodded, he knew what she was doing was much fairer than what his father would have done. It wasn’t that his father was abusive or even aggressive. Most of the time he was relaxed, kind and patient. But he had a different way of getting the best for his children. That’s why his sister had ended up in Italy on a permanent working basis. Because his dad had gotten her there. Tough love was his motto. His mom believed in punishment, her punishments though didn’t involve beating the child half to death.
She made the coffee and put it in front of him.
‘Have you had anything to eat this morning?’
‘No.. Mom. Do you have any aspirin?’
She nodded and got some out of the cupboard. Got a glass of water and put those in front of him too.
‘Get those down you whilst I make you some food.’
He drank the coffee slowly whilst his mom took out a pan and began making food enough to feed a large army. Then somehow managed to fit it into one bowl and put that in front of him too. She then sat and faced him.
‘Derrick, how did you let it get so bad. I never stopped you drinking alcohol. Not when you were out in clubs or when you were drinking beer in the park at fourteen.’
He looked up quickly. She had known about that?
‘That’s because I trusted you to not let it get like this Derrick, clearly, I was wrong to do so. You need help.’
He had finally lost count of all the people who had said that to him that day. Which he thought was good. He had got the point already. He shouldn’t drink and he needed help. So what? He couldn’t afford it. So who was going to pay? He didn’t live in England now and there was no such thing as free help. The only way that came was getting arrested and thrown into it. Even then you were supposed to pay.
‘Mom, I get the point I need help. Or maybe you guys need help accepting this as the reality it is. I drink. I always will. Maybe you should not see it as I need help. Maybe you should all seek help on learning to accept it.’
She looked at him. She was furious. Was he really so stupid he couldn’t see what he was doing wrong? Could he not see more people thought it was wrong than right? She wanted to help him not hurt him. But he wasn’t letting her in. It didn’t seem he was going to. Or even going to make an attempt. Maybe she should give him and let him waste his life drinking then see him dying in intensive care due to his own issues.
Her only problem with that was she had a heart. Too much heart in fact. She couldn’t do that to a whore or a bum on the street never mind her own son. Her youngest child. Someone who she had physically made, gave birth to and raised to be a good person. She couldn’t watch him do this to himself. Nor could she put him through the pain of stopping. She would never take something from her children. Not if they loved it, wanted it or needed it.
She was tied. She didn’t know what to do. She got to her feet and looked at him.
‘Finish that then go upstairs. You and your brother swapped rooms. Stay in there till you have something decent to say. I don’t want to see you until you learn to speak sense Derrick. Don’t unpack either. You’re out in the morning.’
She then walked out of the kitchen and slammed the door. He heard her crying just outside. He let his head fall into his hands. Did he just naturally have a talent for fucking things up, it seemed like it cause now he had made his mother cry. He heard his father talking to her just outside the door. She pleaded with him not to say anything. He heard his father submit to her and luckily for him the kitchen door didn’t fly open and his dad go in.
He finished the coffee and the food then put two aspirin in his mouth and downed the water. He picked up his dishes and put them into the sink and filled it with water then washed them up. He knew that was the least he could do. His mother had tried to help. She hadn’t even yelled at him. No one had. Everyone had been supportive but tried to talk sense into him. He should have listened but he was too damn stubborn. He was set in what he liked and that was what he would do, whatever the cost. This time the cost seemed to dear.
He had fucked things between him and Jenny and now he was wearing away his family. He dried the washing and put it away then left the kitchen. He picked up his case then walked over to the living room door and looked in. He saw his mom sleeping on his dads chest and smiled.
His dad caught eye contact with him and sniggered.
‘Derrick go upstairs and calm down. Think about what you’ve done and are doing. I want you out in the morning.’
He left the room. What made him annoyed when he was walking up the stairs to his brothers old room was what his father had just said. He wasn’t the perfect role model. He had nearly been the death of his own son more than once. All because he couldn’t keep money in his pocket and his mouth shut. At least he wasn’t endangering Shane’s life. His problem wasn’t gloating about having money and he didn’t throw it around and make it clear he wanted trouble. His main issue was that he couldn’t keep the bottle away from his mouth and when he was drunk he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Compared to his father though that was petty issues he would learn to deal with.
His father was the royalist of assholes. He walked into the room and put his case onto the bed. He took his mothers advice and didn’t unpack. Even if she hadn’t of said he was going in the morning it would still be his plan. He couldn’t drag them down any longer than that. He sat on the chair and looked at the mirror above the desk and looked.
He didn’t see himself. More of his father. They weren’t the same. Why did he look in the mirror and see everything he wasn’t. Everything he didn’t want to be. He closed his eyes and looked again. Still not him, this time it wasn’t his father either. It was a man he had only ever seen once in 27 years. Jenny’s dad. Why was he seeing him?
It matched. Jenny’s dad had bailed on her when she was young. He had been violent and he had slept around. He was a womaniser and a child abuser. He had hurt Jenny and her mother and left them both scarred. He hadn’t hurt Kara but she had been daddies angel. He knew now why he was seeing him. He was becoming everything her father was. He wasn’t violent, bur he was bailing on his wife and kids and sleeping round. This wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t who he wanted to be.
He looked harder and saw himself. All he needed was to listen to what people had said. Why couldn’t he go back to last night and not get drunk? Or even back to this morning and take the advice? Why had he been such an asshole and thrown everything back in the face of people who love him?
Even his mother in law had tried to help him, that was a rare thing. They hated each other and didn’t hide it. She had seen he needed help and had offered. Surely that should have made him see.
He walked over to bed. Slid the case onto the floor and laid on the bed looking up at the ceiling.
That’s why he had left. He wasn’t being a father. Only someone who was dragging Shane back with pitiful and pointless drinking. Why hadn’t he agreed to stop? She had offered him help. He hadn’t accepted it, so now. He was on the street with no where to go. His mom wouldn’t take him back in. She would have given her life to stop him being like this. She nearly had.
She had always done everything she possibly could to protect him, done everything she could to get the best for him. Now he had fucked it all up by drinking. He continued walking aimlessly down streets. Usually he’d go to work and bunk in his office. Today though there was a problem with that. It was Sunday, everything was closed. Besides Jenny had his work keys. They had been on the same key ring as his car keys. She wouldn’t have given him them if he had begged.
He stopped when someone called his name from behind him. He recognised the voice but couldn’t put a name to it. He span on his heels to see Jenny’s mom at the end of her garden looking at him. She indicated him to come over. He walked slowly and nervously. If there was only one woman to be scared of it sure as hell would be her. She was the scariest woman in Florida.
She looked at him and knew. She didn’t have to ask. Besides Kara had already told her what had happened. She knew he had been drunk Kara had told her that too. She in a way felt sorry for him as well as wanting to punch him. She didn’t expect better from him though. In her eyes he had always been the scum of the state. He had lived in a nice house, it was big and he had all the things the scum didn’t have. However he only had that through a good stroke of luck. She could tell. His whole family had a cheap vibe gone rich.
They weren’t even from Florida and that’s what she hated the most. She thought it like having a group of Mexican immigrant gypsies living in her back yard. Only, he daughter was married to one of them.
He reached her and she ran a hand over his fringe moving it from his eyes. She looked at him and could see, he really had been drunk last night. Kara really had taken advantage of the situation. Well. In that case she couldn’t entirely blame the young man in front of her. That didn’t mean she would like him any more. Only show him hospitality until he found somewhere to stay, first though she had to put him right.
‘What happened then Derrick? Did my daughter finally kick you out? She didn’t do the wrong thing if she did now did she lad?’
He shook his head. He knew she was right. He couldn’t argue with her. He didn’t see the point. Even if he tried he didn’t stand a hope of getting anywhere.
‘You’re hung over. You need a coffee. Come inside. Sit down. You can sleep here tonight if you wish. I have a sofa.’
The offer to him seemed tempting. But you didn’t have to be a genius to know she hated him. He couldn’t do with that. Staying in the house of a woman who hates him. She would give him shit and tonight, that was the last thing he needed. The park bench seemed more tempting than her sofa.
He shook his head and declined the offer. She sighed.
‘Very well, its your choice. I don’t want harm to come to you. My daughter still loves you, you know that?’
He knew it all to well. He didn’t need her mom to tell him so. She had cried when he was leaving even though she had practically asked him to go. She had probably called her mother and asked her to look out for him to make sure he was safe. She had offered to help him. Most of all though, she had over looked the real crime and blamed it on the alcohol he had been intoxicated on.
‘So where you going to go Derrick? Home? Your families?’
He shook his head to both.
‘My mom wouldn’t accept me back, Id make her cry and my dad would drop kick my ass out the door for doing that. So no.’
She looked at him. He was in pain, not only physically but he was hurting inside as well. She knew. She really did want to help him and not just for Jenny. The guy needed help.
‘Derrick, come inside, even for something to eat. I wont mention it and if you want to go in the morning you can and afterwards, nothing will change okay?’
He was about to say yes. Something to eat seemed like a great idea. He was hungry. All he had managed that morning was a couple of gulps of coffee. He needed something or he would faint and with no money in his pocket her offer seemed like a blessing from god. It was clear someone liked him, or the devil had lost the bet.
Just as he was about to say yes Kara came to the door. She looked at him and blushed. Catching her in the corner of his eye he shook his head. He couldn’t go in there with her there, It wouldn’t help anything. So the cards in heaven had been changed and Satan had the better hand. He was cool with that.
Jenny’s mother sighed quietly and pulled out five dollars from her pocket and handed it to him.
‘You’re not my child and I shouldn’t do this. Don’t blow it on alcohol or drugs, clear? Get something to eat and a bottle of soda. Maybe a coffee.’
she looked at Kara and took Derricks hand. Kara went inside and into the kitchen. She had to help him. She made a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator and took it outside for him. She handed it to him.
He took it and smiled.
‘Uh thanks, I guess.’
‘Okay Derrick, now go to your parents.’
With that both women went back in the house. Derrick kept walking down the street. The window was open and even when he reached the end of West Street to join the main road which would take him either to the beach and his parents house or out of Jacksonville he could still hear them arguing.
He took a left turn and across the road then down towards his parents house. It would be worth a try. Jenny wanted him to be safe and he wanted her to be happy.
It took him twenty minutes before he reached his parents house. He walked up the drive. His mother was sat on the porch and stood up when she saw him. It wasn’t usual for her son to come home like this without even a phone call. She knew there was something wrong. She got up and walked to meet him.
When she reached him she flung her arms around him and hugged him. His breath was warm against her. She felt a tear fall onto her t-shirt. Now she was sure there was something wrong. She looked at the case by his feet and sighed.
‘What happened?’
He shrugged and tried his hardest to avoid the question. Why did she have to ask such complicated things? What was the point? She hoped to receive something that by now she should know she wouldn’t get from him.
‘Derrick. Do not avoid the question. Look at me and tell me what had happened. You have bags, you’re here with no phone call. What’s happened and don’t lie to me.’
He took a deep breathe a prepared to tell her.
‘She threw me out.’
Sarcastic laughter filled the garden.
‘That’s clear. Did she throw you out for a reason? What did you do? She wont throw you out for nothing will she?’
He shook his head. Him lying to her was the least of her worries. He didn’t have a plan to lie to her. In fact the only reason he had hesitated was because he didn’t fancy her crying. Seemed there was no way out of that though. He couldn’t avoid the topic forever.
‘Because I wouldn’t stop drinking.’
She let go of Derrick and looked at him. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Her own son had gone against all she had taught him. First he had planned to have and created a child before he was married. She hadn’t complained or said anything about that, she had in fact pretended she didn’t know because she thought he would be a good dad. Now though he had bailed on his own son because he didn’t want to stop drinking.
‘You’re an alcoholic?’
He nodded. He didn’t know if he was or not. Or whether he just liked drinking. He heard his mother gulp and whine then she headed up the drive. At first he wasn’t sure if she would call him up to follow her or just leave him.
‘Move your ass up here then!’
He followed her in obeying her command. She went in the house first leaving him to shut the door. He put the case against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and entered the living room to see his older brother and dad sitting on the sofa watching TV. He was about to sit with them when he heard his mother call him from the kitchen.
He entered the kitchen to see her sitting by the worktop with a stool opposite her.
‘Close the door behind you and take a seat.’
He did as he was told. He took a seat as soon as his mother up and put the kettle on to make him coffee.
‘Mom, I have Mountain Dew.’
She looked at him in disgust.
‘Are you a child? What did I tell you about that stuff? It6 kills your teeth are you aware of that?’
He nodded and put it onto the work top. Not to his surprise his mother took it up and poured it down the sink.
‘I’m not saying coffee is good for you but right now its what you need and its better than that. We’re going to discuss this without your father. He doesn’t have to know. You can stay here for tonight and if we haven’t come to a conclusion in the morning you can spend an hour with the laptop finding yourself a hotel.’
He nodded, he knew what she was doing was much fairer than what his father would have done. It wasn’t that his father was abusive or even aggressive. Most of the time he was relaxed, kind and patient. But he had a different way of getting the best for his children. That’s why his sister had ended up in Italy on a permanent working basis. Because his dad had gotten her there. Tough love was his motto. His mom believed in punishment, her punishments though didn’t involve beating the child half to death.
She made the coffee and put it in front of him.
‘Have you had anything to eat this morning?’
‘No.. Mom. Do you have any aspirin?’
She nodded and got some out of the cupboard. Got a glass of water and put those in front of him too.
‘Get those down you whilst I make you some food.’
He drank the coffee slowly whilst his mom took out a pan and began making food enough to feed a large army. Then somehow managed to fit it into one bowl and put that in front of him too. She then sat and faced him.
‘Derrick, how did you let it get so bad. I never stopped you drinking alcohol. Not when you were out in clubs or when you were drinking beer in the park at fourteen.’
He looked up quickly. She had known about that?
‘That’s because I trusted you to not let it get like this Derrick, clearly, I was wrong to do so. You need help.’
He had finally lost count of all the people who had said that to him that day. Which he thought was good. He had got the point already. He shouldn’t drink and he needed help. So what? He couldn’t afford it. So who was going to pay? He didn’t live in England now and there was no such thing as free help. The only way that came was getting arrested and thrown into it. Even then you were supposed to pay.
‘Mom, I get the point I need help. Or maybe you guys need help accepting this as the reality it is. I drink. I always will. Maybe you should not see it as I need help. Maybe you should all seek help on learning to accept it.’
She looked at him. She was furious. Was he really so stupid he couldn’t see what he was doing wrong? Could he not see more people thought it was wrong than right? She wanted to help him not hurt him. But he wasn’t letting her in. It didn’t seem he was going to. Or even going to make an attempt. Maybe she should give him and let him waste his life drinking then see him dying in intensive care due to his own issues.
Her only problem with that was she had a heart. Too much heart in fact. She couldn’t do that to a whore or a bum on the street never mind her own son. Her youngest child. Someone who she had physically made, gave birth to and raised to be a good person. She couldn’t watch him do this to himself. Nor could she put him through the pain of stopping. She would never take something from her children. Not if they loved it, wanted it or needed it.
She was tied. She didn’t know what to do. She got to her feet and looked at him.
‘Finish that then go upstairs. You and your brother swapped rooms. Stay in there till you have something decent to say. I don’t want to see you until you learn to speak sense Derrick. Don’t unpack either. You’re out in the morning.’
She then walked out of the kitchen and slammed the door. He heard her crying just outside. He let his head fall into his hands. Did he just naturally have a talent for fucking things up, it seemed like it cause now he had made his mother cry. He heard his father talking to her just outside the door. She pleaded with him not to say anything. He heard his father submit to her and luckily for him the kitchen door didn’t fly open and his dad go in.
He finished the coffee and the food then put two aspirin in his mouth and downed the water. He picked up his dishes and put them into the sink and filled it with water then washed them up. He knew that was the least he could do. His mother had tried to help. She hadn’t even yelled at him. No one had. Everyone had been supportive but tried to talk sense into him. He should have listened but he was too damn stubborn. He was set in what he liked and that was what he would do, whatever the cost. This time the cost seemed to dear.
He had fucked things between him and Jenny and now he was wearing away his family. He dried the washing and put it away then left the kitchen. He picked up his case then walked over to the living room door and looked in. He saw his mom sleeping on his dads chest and smiled.
His dad caught eye contact with him and sniggered.
‘Derrick go upstairs and calm down. Think about what you’ve done and are doing. I want you out in the morning.’
He left the room. What made him annoyed when he was walking up the stairs to his brothers old room was what his father had just said. He wasn’t the perfect role model. He had nearly been the death of his own son more than once. All because he couldn’t keep money in his pocket and his mouth shut. At least he wasn’t endangering Shane’s life. His problem wasn’t gloating about having money and he didn’t throw it around and make it clear he wanted trouble. His main issue was that he couldn’t keep the bottle away from his mouth and when he was drunk he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Compared to his father though that was petty issues he would learn to deal with.
His father was the royalist of assholes. He walked into the room and put his case onto the bed. He took his mothers advice and didn’t unpack. Even if she hadn’t of said he was going in the morning it would still be his plan. He couldn’t drag them down any longer than that. He sat on the chair and looked at the mirror above the desk and looked.
He didn’t see himself. More of his father. They weren’t the same. Why did he look in the mirror and see everything he wasn’t. Everything he didn’t want to be. He closed his eyes and looked again. Still not him, this time it wasn’t his father either. It was a man he had only ever seen once in 27 years. Jenny’s dad. Why was he seeing him?
It matched. Jenny’s dad had bailed on her when she was young. He had been violent and he had slept around. He was a womaniser and a child abuser. He had hurt Jenny and her mother and left them both scarred. He hadn’t hurt Kara but she had been daddies angel. He knew now why he was seeing him. He was becoming everything her father was. He wasn’t violent, bur he was bailing on his wife and kids and sleeping round. This wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t who he wanted to be.
He looked harder and saw himself. All he needed was to listen to what people had said. Why couldn’t he go back to last night and not get drunk? Or even back to this morning and take the advice? Why had he been such an asshole and thrown everything back in the face of people who love him?
Even his mother in law had tried to help him, that was a rare thing. They hated each other and didn’t hide it. She had seen he needed help and had offered. Surely that should have made him see.
He walked over to bed. Slid the case onto the floor and laid on the bed looking up at the ceiling.