Know Your Enemy

Adrienne had been staring at the slice of toast that was in front of her for the best part of half an hour. The fact that it had become cold and soggy made it all the more unappealing for her to eat.

*One slice of white bread is one hundred calories. The butter should take it to around one twenty. There's no chance that I'll be able to get away with walking to and from the bathroom to burn all that off.

It's a nice day outside. Maybe they'll let me walk around the grounds. I could say that I'm sick of being stuffed in my room.

Or! I could ask them to invite Billie and the kids over. They've got to let me outside with them. They can't expect all four of us to stay cooped up in here.*

"Adrienne? Is it OK if I come in?"

*At least you remembered to knock this time.* "Yeah, sure. Come in."

"I've just come to take away your---" The nurse stopped mid sentence when she saw Adrienne's plate was still full. "Is there something the matter with your breakfast Adrienne?"

Adrienne felt colour flood her cheeks. "Uhhh---well---the thing is---I'm not a huge fan of white bread you see. I was just wondering if ummm---if I could perhaps have a slice of whole wheat instead?"

"I'm sorry Adrienne but we only serve white bread. It has the most carbohydrates."

*Yeah. That's the problem.* "Oh---I see---"

"The sugar in the bread will help build your energy back up and stop your body from eating away at your muscles. It's for the best that you eat it."

Adrienne said nothing but continued to stare at the toast. Tears pricked behind her eyes when she thought about putting it in her mouth.

"It's for the best if you eat it."

*You already said that.*

"I could bring you another slice if that one has gone cold? It will taste better?"

"Y-Yes please. I'd appreciate that."

Adrienne's hand shook as she handed the nurse the plate.

"There's nothing to be afraid of honey," the nurse whispered softly. "I promise that you will feel a whole world better once you've eaten something."

A lump had formed in her throat which prohibited Adrienne to speak so instead she had to nod her head to acknowledge what she had just been told. Once the nurse had left the room, Adrienne thought she would hyperventilate. Her whole body shook and was drenched in a cold sweat.

In the back of her mind, she heard Billie's voice. "This is ridiculous, Adie," he scolded her. "It's just a piece of bread. I've seen you eat a whole damn pizza to yourself. A slice of toast is nothing to get wound up over."

Then in softer tones, "do it for the kids Adie. Do it for me."

On cue, a fresh slice of warm toast was presented to her.

*One hundred and twenty calories. One hundred and twenty calories.* She shook her head violently to quieten the demons before she reached for the toast and took quick, successive bites before they could plague her again.

"This is for Billie," she whispered after the first bite. "And for Joe," after the second. "And for Jake," after the third.

Before she knew it, it had all gone.

*I will not throw up. I will not throw up. I will not throw up.*

Adrienne handed her plate back to the grinning nurse with a steady hand this time.

*I do not need to walk this off. I do not need to walk this off. I do not need to walk this off.*

"I'm proud of you Adrienne. That was a massive step."

*I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.*

"Now why don't you get dressed and I'll be back in about half an hour to collect you for your first therapy session. Does that sound OK?"

Adrienne nodded, afraid she would burst into tears if she spoke.

*First meal down. I can do this. I will not throw up. I will not walk this off.*

"I love you Adrienne." Billie's voice made her jump. The clarity of it made her look round the room to see if he had suddenly appeared.

*I love you too. I can get better for you. I know I can. Promise you'll help me?*

"We're all here for you. You can do this. You're Adrienne Armstrong---"

She knew it was crazy; answering the voice in her head. But if it was the push she needed to beat the illness, then she would take the chance and run with it.

"I'm Adrienne Armstrong," she repeated aloud. "And nothing fucks with Adrienne Armstrong."