Know Your Enemy

Sitting in the therapy room, Adrienne couldn't help but feel jealous as she glanced around the room. She mentally noted the women whom she thought had better toned thighs than her own; whose cheek bones were more defined; whose stomach was flatter than hers.

Glancing down at her own body she now felt ashamed for having eaten the toast. She shuddered as she remembered how the buttery substance glided all too easily down her throat.

*I'll just count it as a moment of weakness. I'll do sit ups when I get back to my room, I don't give a fuck if I get caught.*

"Good afternoon everyone. I can see a couple of new faces in here today so for their benefit, my name is Elizabeth and I'll be running this therapy session today. From taking a look around I can see that I've met all of you before, whether it be in sessions similar to this one today, or on your initial briefing when you first came here. I just want to assure the new faces that these sessions are nothing to be worried about---it may seem a little bit daunting at first but give it a couple of weeks and I can guarantee that you'll all be well on your way to helping each other through your illness."

Adrienne rolled her eyes as Elizabeth called on one of the women to stand up and share with the group, things that she had been up to in the last week. She managed to while away most of the session, only glancing up from staring at her lap to survey her favourite body parts of the other women.

She was mentally noting the one named Holly's slender calves when Elizabeth called on her and shocked her out of her daydream.

"Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself Adrienne?"

"Me? Really? There's nothing much to tell---I'm not that interesting."

"Why don't you let the rest of the group decide that?"

Adrienne felt like she could vomit at the sight of Elizabeth's sweet, almost patronising, smile.

Folding her arms across her stomach and taking in a ragged breath, Adrienne got to her feet.

"Well---as you all now know---my name is Adrienne. Adrienne Armstrong---I'm forty years old and I live in the heights of Oakland, not too far away from here. I've been married for fifteen years and I have two sons, Joe and Jake---"

"Wait!" A red head from across the room interjected, "Are you Adrienne Armstrong as in Billie Joe and Adrienne Armstrong?! The first lady of Green Day---that Adrienne Armstrong?!"

"People mostly call me Adie. But yeah---that's me."

"Holy shit!" The red head laughed. "I'd have always thought it would have been your scrawny assed husband that would end up in a loony bin like this---not you!"

Fire ripped up through Adrienne's throat as she launched herself across the room to tackle the red head out of her chair and onto the floor.

"Don't you EVER talk like that about my husband! Do you hear me?!"

Elizabeth managed to pull Adrienne from off of the girl's chest before her hand collided with her cheek. She stood between the two of them to prevent another attack.

"Now, now Adrienne---I'm sure Piper didn't mean offence by what she just said. She was just making an observation---albeit a crude one, but just an observation nonetheless."

Panting and still seeing red, Adrienne returned to her seat as Elizabeth helped Piper up.

"What I meant was---" Piper continued, quieter than before, "you've always had a gorgeous figure. I'd have never thought you'd be in a place like this."

"It's far from gorgeous," Adrienne's voice shook due to the lump that had formed in her throat.

"Are you joking me?! You had the best rack in town!"

Adrienne smiled feebly. "That's what Billie used to tell me."

"Can I interrupt?" Elizabeth raised her hand.

"Sure."

"You say that your husband used to tell you that you had 'the best rack'---" Elizabeth air quoted as she spoke. "Why do you use the past tense? Do you think he doesn't have that opinion anymore?"

This time, Adrienne folded her arms across her chest. "Well---since I started my diet, he kinda stopped saying things like that. But I didn't mind because I was happier that I was getting thinner."

"What sort of compliments does he pay you now?"

"He's always called me beautiful and says that as long as I'm happy then he's happy---but I know he would prefer it if I was---bigger---"

"Do you think Billie is happy?"

"I know in my heart of hearts that I'm making Billie sad. I know it. Otherwise he wouldn't have asked me to come here would he?"

"Why do you think you're making him sad?"

"Because of my diet---or lack of it."

"So does your lack of diet make YOU happy?"

"It makes me feel in control. And I'm happiest when I'm in control. So it's safe to say that this place is bugging the shit out of me because I've never felt so out of control in all my life."

A few feeble laughs scattered around the room.

"Thank you Adrienne," Elizabeth motioned for her to regain her seat. "I think what you've just said about feeling out of control really sums up the way most patients feel about being in hospital."

Adrienne saw most of the women nod their heads knowingly.

"But what the hospital is really here for is to enable you all to have REAL control over your diet. I know most of you think that you have control by cutting out meals and exercising to the extreme, but what's really happening is that you are all letting the diet control you. We want to break that cycle and show you that eating food is an enjoyable and healthy thing---thank you for coming today ladies. I'll see you all again in a couple of days."

*My diet controls me. I don't control my diet. My diet controls me.* The words rung like a church bell in Adrienne's head and as she watched the women start to leave the therapy room she saw that the thighs which she thought were toned were mere bone and looked as breakable as a popsicle stick. Stomachs which she thought were flat were in fact concave and lost among predominant rib cages. Cheek bones which she thought were defined were the distinct feature of an ill, gaunt face.

The fighting attitude which she had discovered earlier that morning, surfaced again as she inwardly vowed that she would get better. And this time, she knew she meant it.

"Hey Elizabeth," Piper calling across the room brought Adrienne back to reality. "Where's Samantha? She never usually misses a session?"

Adrienne saw Elizabeth's face turn ashen. "Oh Piper, I thought everyone knew---"

"Knew what?"

"Samantha passed away honey. Yesterday afternoon. She suffered cardiac arrest after trying to make herself vomit. Her heart was so weak it couldn't handle any more."

A loud thud nearby signalled that Piper had dropped to the floor. Adrienne heard her begin to sob but she wasn't paying full attention to the situation.

All she could think about was the fact that she was as ill as the women here and that she too sometimes made herself sick. It had never occurred to her that such a simple action could kill her.

Until now.

And the thought alone was enough to make her bury her head in her knees and weep just as Piper was doing.