I Wish I Didn't...Sometimes

I loved him but I didn't realize it until it was too late... I wish I could say I lied about cheating on him, but I didn't cheat, our hearts were to fragile. I never even gave us a chance. I was too stubborn to fall for my best friend. I guess it was because I saw him more as a "big brother" figure than a potential lover. So I told him I didn't love him... But he still loved me more than the moon, stars, and oxygen.

*3 days ago*

"Janet?" He said laying his head in my lap.

"Huh?" I responded looking down at him and moving a stray strand of hair out of his face.

"What if I told you I love you?” he said

"What do you mean? I know you love me...wait, like how do you love me?" I asked

"I love you like bees love flowers, or ducks love water, or even how I love and need oxygen." He said looking up at me his green eyes sparkling like emeralds.

"Janet..." He began disappointment filling his voice.

"Ville, what if I only loved you like a big brother. Would you hate me? Would you be upset?" I said slightly shocked.

"Darling, I would never hate you for as long as I live. I am, to be honest, a bit upset with your answer, but I'll cope.” he said his voice cracking as he got up and left my house, slamming the door behind him.

*Present*

I'm beginning to fucking hate my phone, or any phone in existence. For the last two days I have tried to call Ville, but he doesn't answer. Its scaring the hell out of me, but at the same time its pissing me the fuck off. So now I am in my car outside his house trying his cell phone again...Still no answer. I get out of my car and trudge to his front door. I stop, and knock. The force from my knock pushed the door open. Which is weird, Ville never leaves his door open. As I enter his house with caution, I call out...

"Ville?"

No answer, so I say his name a little louder.

"Ville!"

Still no answer so I begin to search the house for my friend, he wasn't in his living room, kitchen, or down stairs bathroom. As I ascend the stairs a horrible feeling of dread washed over me. Something was not right. When I reached the top of the stairs I made a right instead of a left saving his bedroom for last. To the right were three rooms his office, the guest bedroom, and the upstairs bathroom. I decided to start with his office. I opened the door only to find it empty of human life. Books lined the walls and inhibited little piles on the floor. Ville loves reading. The only thing in the room not covered by a million books was his desk, which had only one book on it. It was his copy of "The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allan Poe". I walk over and pick up the book, when something fell out of it. I lay the book back on the desk. then bend over to pick up what fell out. It was a picture of the two of us. I remember the day that picture was taken. Bam, Ville's friend from the US, came for a visit. Ville decided that it was the perfect time to have a party. The party was awesome, everybody got drunk. Then Bam somehow found a camera, and started taking pictures. Bam found Ville and I dancing, he yelled at us to smile. I turned around, Ville's hands found my hips, my neck his lips found. Then FLASH. We were frozen in time in each others arms. I close my eyes remembering how it felt to be in his arms like that. Then I suddenly drop the picture and gasp. Omg! I'm so fucking stupid. Tears start falling down my face in a very fast pace. I can't have him as a brother figure anymore. I need him as a lover, to have his kids, to be his to have and to hold, till we both explode...I love him. After this little revelation, I leave his office. Then I move on to the guest bedroom, it was empty except for a bed and more books. The bathroom was empty, also. Which left only one room...his room. At that thought my heart began to race so fast i thought it would rip out of my chest. As my hand reaches for the door knob, it starts to shake, afraid of what I might find, and hoping I was overreacting. I open the door and squeeze my eyes shut, so I can't see if he has done anything stupid.

"Ville" I softly call out, no answer.

I then slowly open my eyes and there he is, seemingly sleeping for once in his bed. I move forward, inching my way toward "My" sleeping Angel. I grab his shoulder but retract, he is as cold as ice. Tears fill my eyes as I climb into the bed and pull his lifeless body into my arms and cradle him like a baby. His beautiful green eyes stare into nothingness, I close them for the last time. His lips, still pink, I press a sweet little kiss to them, in hopes the spell would lift and my prince will awaken, and we live happily ever after. I hug him closer to me, when the spell is not broken, cause I know I've lost him. I have lost the only man I have ever loved. I reach for one of his hands to hold, when I find a folded piece of paper. I take it , it was labeled "To Janet". I unfolded it the note read:

"Sweetheart,
You broke my heart beyond repair. I really do love you, I wish I didn't....sometimes. Tonight I'm gonna die for love, cause without yours, this life ain't worth living. I'm leaving for good this time. I love you. Bye.
Ville"

The Words "I killed him" flash across my eyes every time I blink. The tears flowing down my face didn't help much. I don't know why but it wasn't until that moment, that I noticed the bullet hole in his right temple, blood trickling down the side of his luscious face. I then threw my fists down in anger and hit something cold and metal...the gun. To be honest I had no clue Ville owned a gun. I opened the bullet chamber and found one bullet left.

"Oh Ville." I whispered as I kissed his cold forehead, and pressed the cool metal barrel to the side of my head. The silence was unbearable in the split second it took me to pull the trigger, and with a bang I was gone...

...To a field of daises and a big tree in the distance, where a figure seemed to be waiting. Then I heard him call my name and I began to run towards the tree. I needed him to hold me and I to hold him, to run my fingers through his hair, to look into his vividly beautiful green eyes and hear him say "I love you". I stop, what if he hates me now, cause i told him i didn't love him the way he told me he loved me. I shook my head, I couldn't think of that. I had to get to him. I, finally after what seems like hours of running, reach the tree, but my "Angel" is nowhere to be found.

"Ville?" I cry out worried.

"Here I am, Sweetheart." He whispers in my ear.

As I turn he engulfs me into a hug and kiss, that I'll never forget. He is mine now, and I will always be his.