Hello Sheffield

“How long has it been since he’s been home again?”

“A week,” I answered miserably, slamming my head down on the desk in my office. The room admittedly hadn’t been used much, but lately I’d been spending copious amounts of time in the room.

“Well, I mean, how many times has he called you?”

“About ten times a day consistently.”

Emily sighed into the other line. My best friend from America had stepped up with being on my side, for a while at least. Now she was starting to get fed up with how stubborn I was being. I lifted my head and stared down at the shopping list I’d just made.

“So he’s practically banging down your door to talk to you and you keep refusing?” she asked, her tone skeptical.

“I’m not speaking with him until he apologizes for being so ridiculous,” I said simply, adding bread to the bottom of the list.

“How’s he supposed to say sorry if you won’t talk to him?” she asked. I hated her logic and sighed. She had a point and I didn’t like that point. It was time to get off the phone when she stopped listening to my rants and started spouting the truth out of her mouth.

“I have to go shopping Em. I’ll text you later,” I said into the phone. She mumbled a goodbye and hung up. I sat at my desk for a few minutes, staring out the window at the rare sunlight on the sidewalk.

I was dressed in simple jeans and a bright tie dye t-shirt. I wasn’t feeling anything today, literally. Maybe just a little frustrated and a lot numb. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and grabbed the list.

I didn’t want to think anymore, so I kept my thoughts focused on what I had to do today. I had to call my mom, clean up a little bit, maybe mop the floors. The drive was short and my mind kept wandering. It always fell back to Oli.

Eventually, I would speak to him. I was already breaking. I missed his voice, his laugh, the way he would trace his wrist tattoos when he was thinking; they were killing me. Just the little things he would do that were so uniquely him were what I missed most because I couldn’t replace them with someone else.

I could go to lunch with anyone and pretend it was him. I could sit on the couch and watch a movie with anyone and pretend it was him. I could blast music in the car with anyone and pretend it was him. I could laugh with anyone and pretend it was him.

Truth was, it wasn’t him and no one could ever replace him no matter how hard I pretended they could.

I got a wagon and then mentally slapped myself for thinking wagon. It was a cart. I smiled remembering the small fight I’d gotten in with Matty over certain words.

Matty had become someone I relied on as a friend so completely. He was slowly becoming the rock that I clung to during a storm. Of course, that meant getting a lot of shit from Daniel, who figured I was just ditching him.

Truth was, I still hung out with Daniel but it just wasn’t the same. I always knew about his underlying feelings for me. It was just different when it was out in the open and he’d told me about them. It almost seemed unfair of me to continue chilling with him.

The amount of problems I was having at the present moment was a real drag.

I pushed the cart around and considered getting takeout for dinner instead of cooking. I decided against it since not only did I eat out too much, but being around vegans all the time, I wasn’t eating any meat.

“Oli, don’t drag yer feet, yeh know it bothers me.”

The hair on the back of my neck stood up and a prickling sensation tingled across my scalp. He was here, and after weeks of not seeing or speaking to him, I would be standing only feet away from him. I was standing feet away from him.

“Leave me alone Mum,” he said. My head was turning of its own accord and then all of a sudden, there he was; a sight for sore eyes. He was wearing jeans and a loose t-shirt. My eyes took in his tattoos, his hair, his overall appearance greedily.

He hadn’t seen me yet, though the way I was ogling at him he was sure to notice me soon. His eyes had deep, dark circles under them, worse than before. He almost looked hollow and sunken in. He resembled me in the way he carried himself: broken and alone.

Then he saw me.

His eyes widened and his lips fell open just a little bit. He straightened and just stopped walking completely, regardless that Carol was still walking and talking to him. We just stared at each other until Carol turned around and looked, her face falling ever so slightly.

“Olivia,” he said quietly. His voice was cracked and sad and his eyes just looked so…broken. I couldn’t even take it. I took a step back when he took a step forward. I just shook my head and felt the tears in my eyes.

Being this close, looking at him, hearing his voice was just too much. I realized now how fast my resolve was breaking down. Instead of saying something or really responding, I ran. I literally left my cart and ran down the nearest aisle, out of the store, and into my car.

I sped out of the parking lot and toward Matty’s apartment. The sun was disappearing behind dark gray clouds and I couldn’t agree more with the weather. I tried to control my tears, blinking them and then wiping them out of my eyes. It felt a lot like giving up.

I nearly sprinted up to his floor and when I got to his door, the tears were gone but the sense of complete panic wasn’t. He opened the door and immediately asked me what was wrong. I stormed in and got a beer out of his fridge without answering. It was half gone before he said anything else.

“What’s goin’ on Liv? Are yeh alright?” he asked, his eyes anxious. I breathed in deeply and leaned against the counter.

“I was at the supermarket and I turned around and Oli was there. I just, wasn’t expecting to see him, that’s all. He surprised me,” I explained.

“Yeh’re gonna have to get used to seein’ him. We’re not only best friends but we’re band mates and if yeh hang out with us, yeh’ll be hangin’ out with him.”

“I know that, and it’s not like I think I’m never, ever going to speak to him again. I will because I miss being friends with him. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. And when I see him around you, I’ll be with you so it won’t be too weird.”

“I’m pretty sure it’ll be odd Liv,” he patronized and I rolled my eyes, frustrated. He was never this unsupportive.

“Whatever, then it’ll be odd.”

I finished the beer and leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his middle. When he didn’t hug back, I looked up. He pulled my arms off gently and smiled kindly down at me. The gesture was meant nicely but I didn’t take it that way.

“What?” I asked, throwing up a wall of defense and crossing my arms over my chest. He sighed and pulled at my wrists but I fought him. “No, really, what?”

“It’s nothing, just, yeh belong with Oli and not just as friends. I’ve been hangin’ around yeh both for the past week and yeh’ve been completely miserable, the two of yeh. It’s right depressin’,” he said and I just shook my head.

“Are you serious? I don’t understand what’s happening here,” I said coldly, my mind not even being able to calculate the rejection.

“It’s not that yeh like me, Liv, and that’s alright. Oli is my best mate and I wouldn’t take yeh even if yeh were interested like that,” he said. I couldn’t meet his eyes and stared at the ceiling instead. He was speaking a truth I didn’t want to hear.

“Besides I’ve met someone and I don’t want to muck it up,” he added as an afterthought, and while normally I would have been happy for him, I didn’t really want to hear about her just now. The grin on his face was unbearable though, so I asked.

“What’s she like?” I asked.

“Well, she’s got these beautiful blue eyes and she’s Australian,” he said.

“If she’s Australian, why is she here?” I asked bluntly and miserably. He didn’t pick up my tone and continued.

“Well, originally she wanted to do a uni exchange to America to live with her mate from there but her mate got an exchange here and they decided to stay here,” he explained. I nodded.

“Wow, that was lucky then.”

“Right? That’s what I’ve been sayin’,” he said brightly. If he thought this was helping at all, he was delirious. I kept up my small charade though as a clap of thunder sounded outside the window. The rain was back in England.

“What’s her name?” I asked, feeling maybe an ounce better since my Oliver sighting and maybe a dash touched at the stupid grin on Matty’s face.

“Becca,” he answered simply, “She’s great. She’s really funny and she has this cute little accent and these weird mannerisms, kind of like you. I dunno, I think I got real lucky on this one.”

“I’m happy for you, really I am,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. I was happy for him, really I was. I just wasn’t happy with myself or what I’d done with my life thus far. I’d accomplished nothing but pushing away someone so important to me.

“Thanks Liv. It’s all gonna work out for you too, I hope yeh know that,” he said, smiling kindly again. I huffed and nodded, feeling the prickling feeling behind my eyes again. I was an emotional wreck.

“I’d better get going. I still have to finish shopping,” I said, keeping my voice steady. He nodded and gave me an all too friendly hug goodbye. I walked slowly down the hallway, slowly down the stairs, and when I reached the front doors, slowly through the light rain to my car.

I ruined everything for myself and I would never forget it.

I drove home slowly as the rain grew steadily heavier. I’d warded the tears off again and eventually pulled into my driveway. Lightening flashed across the ever-darkening sky and the rain pounded on the roof of my car.

I glanced up at the house and my body froze. Sitting on my front steps was one very wet, very determined looking Oliver Sykes. My heart beat faster and I sat still for a moment. I wished I could pretend I didn’t see him and drive away.

I couldn’t though. When I opened the door and stepped into the rain, he stood up and waited by the steps. I felt like I was walking in slow motion and my heart pounded in my ears almost as loudly as the rain on the sidewalk.

I was soaking when I got to where Oli was standing and shaking from the slight wind and the nervousness of confrontation. I stopped, drinking him in as he was blocking my way. I didn’t really know what to do now, and I felt ridiculous standing in the middle of a thunderstorm in a bright tie dye shirt.

“Oliver, can you just move?” I said. It came out surprisingly drained and tired, as if I couldn’t even stand to be saying it. Truthfully, I couldn’t stand to be saying it.

“No, Olivia, I can’t just move. I need to talk to yeh and apparently this is the only way I can do it since yeh’re always runnin’ away,” he said. His voice was surprisingly strong and nearly as determined as his face.

Instead of handling this as a rational adult, I ducked around him and ran up to the door, shoving the key in the lock and pushing it open. I slammed it shut as soon as I was inside and locked it, turning around and leaning against it.

Vibrations hit my back as Oli started banging on the door. I slid down until I hit the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and hanging my head. What was I actually doing? My name rang out from his throat and I just listened, tears escaping and running down my rain-soaked face.

“When he apologizes and yeh start talkin’ to him, I want yeh to remember that I’m here too.”

What if I remembered Daniel before that happened?

“I’m not leavin’ until yeh look at me and tell me yeh want me the fuck off yer property!” Oli screamed and I flinched, wiping a tear away. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and idled over Daniel’s contact in my phone. He would be here in a minute to get Oli out of here and then he’d sit and drink tea with me and tell me everything would be okay.

And then what?

Would I be with him?

I dropped the cellphone to the floor and slid it away from me with shaking hands. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t see Daniel now. Maybe I couldn’t see him ever. Maybe there was something wrong with me.

I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

And then everything hit me as though I were sitting on train tracks.

The problem was me. I didn’t know what I wanted. What if someone else wanted something? It was always about me and my fucking feelings. What if for once, I let someone else in?

I stood up and unlocked the door. That was it. I didn’t open it. I knew he heard the lock click open as he’d stopped banging and shouting. I stepped back slowly as thunder cracked loudly from outside. I wiped away an indistinguishable tear and tucked a hand in my back pocket.

The door opened slowly and Oli walked in, looking as grave as death. He shut the door behind him and we stood there silently; staring at each other as though the other were a deadly animal. I took in a deep breath and bit my lip.

“C’mon. I’ll make coffee and we can talk or something,” I said, taking the intiative. He nodded once and I went into the kitchen. I flicked on the light and set myself on making the coffee. He sat silently at the table, making a puddle on the floor.

“Um, I think some of your clothes are still upstairs,” I knew they were, “Do you want to change?”

“No.”

“You have to get out of those clothes Oli,” I said softly, “You’ll get sick if you stay in them.”

It felt good to be talking to him again, to be exchanging words.

“So yeh care about me now then?” he asked, shaking his head and then dropping it into his hands. I waited quietly. “Get me the clothes then, go on.”

I left my shoes at the bottom of the steps and went upstairs. I changed quickly when I got upstairs and found a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans that were Oli’s. I grabbed a towel from the hall closet and brought it down to him.

He mumbled a thank you and went into the bathroom. I stood in the kitchen awkwardly and when I heard him coming out of the bathroom moments later, I turned and rummaged through the cabinet for mugs.

Once I filled them both with coffee and put the creamer in, I realized there was nothing left to do. I brought them to the table and sat in the chair next to his, tilting it to look towards him. Again, I brought my knees up to my chest and took a sip of the scalding hot coffee.

“I’m sorry Liv. I’m really sorry and it’s not just because I know that’s what yeh want me to say. I’m sorry because I was being a twat. I don’t own yeh, hell, I’m not even datin’ yeh. It’s obvious that I don’t like him but I shouldn’t have gotten so mad about it.

“I shouldn’t have assumed anythin’ and I really shouldn’t have completely stopped speakin’ to yeh and then expected yeh to just open yer arms to me when I finally came back. I’m just, I’m really sorry.”

I bit my lip and looked down at my knees, shoving the coffee back onto the table and running a hand through my wet ponytail. It was sweet and an apology, the one thing I’d been pushing for this whole time. I sighed and looked back up at him.

“I’m sorry too Oli. I’ve been childish about this whole thing. I’ve missed you an awful lot and I really do accept your apology,” I said, smiling at him. He grinned back.

“I’ve missed yeh so much Liv, yeh have no idea.”

“Listen Oli, just because we’re speaking again, I mean, the kiss and everything,” I started awkwardly. He nodded.

“I guess we should start back at square one,” he said sullenly.

“Friendship. Or at least, our definition of it I guess,” I added, laughing and then leaning over the table to hug him. He snorted and pulled me into his lap where I sat for quite a while.

Our bodies fit together and the broken, numb feeling was gone. Instead, I felt a content, warm feeling flood my body. His arms were tight around my waist and the only sounds were the pouring rain, occasional thunder, and the soft padding of Zeus in the kitchen.

Everything was fixed now, and I knew we were in the clear. I was back to being Oli’s best friend and that weird girl he found at the store who actually made her way to meaning something. It was over. The storm was finally over.

But for how long?