A Photograph of You & I

My throat burned as I knocked back the alcohol in my cup. I smacked my lips together, satisfactorily and raised a finger to the bartender to alert him that I wanted another drink. He nodded my way and grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels he had been serving me from for the last hour and a half. It was half gone and had been full when I arrived.

"I'm going to have to cut you off soon, lad." The elderly man told me as he spilled some of the bottle's contents into my glass. I nodded in acknowledgement of his statement but didn't fully comprehend it. I didn't want to understand anything at the moment and when I didn't want to do something, I didn't.

"Just leave the bottle for now, please," I said before he walked off. The look he gave me betrayed the pity and apprehension I knew he felt. I found myself wanting to be irritated by it but was unsuccessful. If I were being honest, I would have given myself the exact same look. He sighed and set down the bottle and leaned on the opposite side of the bar.

"Rough night?"

"More or less," I scoffed, downing the bitter liquid in my glass. It coated my throat and slowly went to my stomach where I could feel it settling. I was going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

"What's troubling you?" The old man asked. I didn't care to tell him of my problems. They were none of his business anyway. Perhaps it was my drunken state that led me to tell him of the woman I'd loved and lost so many years ago.

"Aina. Aina is troubling me. God, I miss her..." I replied, picking up the bottle and gazing inside, admiring the amber liquid within.

"Girlfriend?"

"I wish," I answered all too quickly, already having known what he'd assume.

"Well, what happened?"

"She left, nine years ago. Told me she loved me, then up and moved away with her family without a word since. God, if she had only given me half a fucking chance!" I slammed the bottle back down and the alcohol swished inside.

"Calm down now. What are you talking about?" This man was getting a little too nosy for my taste. His hand inched toward the bottle and I knew he was about to take it away from me. I glanced at him with hard eyes and claimed the bottle, throwing a few bills on the bar and standing up.

"I have no fucking idea." I replied, taking a large swig from the bottle while looking the man dead in the eyes. He seemed as though he wanted to stop me but thought better of trying to stop me in my state. Slowly, I staggered out the door of the pub and headed in the direction of my apartment only a few blocks away.

I laughed at the image I must have been presented - cold and drunk, stumbling down the street with a bottle in my hands. How far and fast I'd fallen. I took one final drink from the bottle in my hand and chucked it into a nearby trashcan, hearing the glass shatter within. With a sigh, I pulled my cigarettes out of my pocket along with my lighter. I placed the cigarette between my lips and lit it, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

A few minutes later I came to my apartment. I unlocked the door from the street and climbed a few flights of stairs - slowly, and then unlocked the door to my own apartment. Once inside, I kicked my shoes off in my journey over to the soft, leather couch where I allowed myself to fall, face first, onto the pillow that was there.

My head felt like it was inside a blender the moment I stopped moving. Even breathing made me feel sick to my stomach. If I could only fall asleep, perhaps the world would right itself...

Right on cue, my phone began to ring with an earsplitting sound. Swearing under my breath, I reached into my pocket and pressed the cell phone to my ear.

"What?" I answered rather angrily.

"Ville? What the fuck's wrong?" My friend, Bam asked.

"Nothing, everything's great. What's up?" I asked, almost forgetting not to speak to him in Finnish.

"You up for a bit of early morning traveling?" He asked.

"Not particularly."

"But Ville..." Bam whined. "I'm having a New Year's party, you have to come."

I winced at the tone he'd adopted. "Bam, I'm honestly not in the mood to party."

"I've got a surprise for you though..." He tried to tempt me. I sighed and allowed myself to smirk.

"What kind of surprise?"

"You'll see when you get here."

"Which will be when?"

"Your flight leaves at noon."

"I should have known."

"Known what?"

"That I had no choice in coming either way."

"Do you ever?" I could practically hear the smile in his voice. Bam always got his way, that was just something you accepted once you decided to invest in a friendship with him.

"Nope."

"Alright, I got a few things I gotta take care of, I'll pick you up at the airport."

"Okay, bye."

"Later." I flipped the phone shut and let it drop to the floor. 'Damnit.'

Heaving myself off the couch, I slowly made my way toward my bedroom and looked around for something to transport my things in. Producing a duffle bag from my closet, I threw it open and decided throwing some clothes inside - not paying much attention to which were dirty or clean. At least if I had this done now, I could sleep off some of my current state and not be deemed unable to fly once I reached the airport.

Once I'd finished, I curled up on my bed and set my alarm. While somewhat irritated by the lack of notice Bam had given me, I was glad for something of a distraction. Life on the road had provided me with enough background noise to drown out the things I tended to ignore. Now, with the recent dissolution of my engagement, I was truly left with nothing to block those things, those memories, out.

Sighing, I resolved that I would enjoy my time spent in the States and maybe even confront one or two of the demons that plagued me in my solitude.

For now though, I needed to sleep and leave those particular battles for another day.