A Photograph of You & I

Bam quickly forgot his drinking game in wake of his friend leaving the bar in a huff. He crossed the room and all I could do was look at my hands and wait to be yelled at.

I saw his sneakers stop next to me out of the corner or my eyes. With a new measure of defiance that came from who knows where, I stared up at Bam as he silently reprimanded me for a situation he knew nothing about.

"What?" I asked finally, annoyed with the staring contest we were currently engaged in.

"Why is it, that every female I know is a stubborn bitch?" He asked seriously. My eyes widened at his remark and I fought the incredible urge to smack him.

"Bam, shut the fuck up." I said through gritted teeth, making an attempt at keeping my temper under control.

"No Aina, you shut up and listen to me." He said, firmly. My temper flared again but I allowed him the opportunity to say what he had to.

"Aina, that guy is in lovewith you and for the past two days all you've done is treat him like shit." He was straining to keep his own anger under control. I softened at that realization and looked at him with a less hard glare.

"Bam - all I did was tell him what I'm about to tell you for the umpteenth time. He. Does. Not. Love. Me." I got up and tried to get around Bam but he held my arm tight in his grip.

"Aina, I want you to go out to him right now, look into his eyes, then tell me he doesn't love you with every ounce of his being."

"Bam, I-"

"Aina. Go." He said firmly, releasing my arm and giving me the chance to go of my own free will before he made a scene.

I trudged slowly past him as he followed on my heels like a lost puppy. I turned and he gave me a look that said I had better go or the consequences would absolutely horrible. I turned back around and went more quickly out the door into the cold January air.

Ville was pacing in the new snow on the ground that was being added to every second with a new, unique flake. His cigarette shined red-orange in the white world and he even stood out, a figure of absolute black.

His pale skin was flushed red from the cold and his pink lips seemed to be uttering words audible only to himself and the air around him. I made a point to make my shoes crunch in the snow and he looked up, surprised at my presence in front of him.

Shockingly enough, he took one last drag on his barely smoked cigarette and threw it on the ground, snuffing it out with the sole of his thick black shoe. Without the cigarette to hold, his hands found their way into his coat pocket and he hunched his shoulders to brace against the cold. I simply stood there, in a T-shirt and jeans and for some reason, I wasn't cold at all.

"I'm sorry about what I said Ville."

"Don't worry about it." He mumbled, barely accepting the apology I offered.

An awkward and tense silence settled between us. We each stared at separate spots on the ground, looking at it with emotions shining in our eyes that we refused to reveal to each other.

"Aina, I need you to believe what I said in there." He said finally, I turned to look at him, avoiding his eyes.

"Ville, I..." I paused, unable to give him any sort of response. He didn't deserve what I was putting him through, Bam was absolutely right. But still, something in my mind told me not to admit my thoughts and feelings.

"Ville, I c-can't." I stammered, my voice breaking. The tears in my eyes were unable to flow freely, blocked up because of the cold.

The tears that had been brimming in his eyes spilled down his cheeks and fell gracefully into the snow. He looked down and just shook his head, mumbling something unintelligible.

"Ville?" I asked, reaching out for him but finding myself unable to touch him.

He wouldn't look at me, he simply continued muttering things. I thought I heard Bam's name among the string of words that issued from his mouth. And finally he looked up.

"Why? Why can't you believe me?" He asked, his tone taking a harsher edge. His eyes screamed questions that he couldn't force himself to voice. "Why won't you love me?"Was what they seemed to ask.

"You had a fiancee, for fucks sake Ville!" I yelled as if it were the answer he should have thought of in the first place. And truthfully, it was.

He looked at me as if I had three heads. "Yes I did, Aina." He continued staring at me, his gaze hardening. "But do you know why I broke it off?"

My heart stopped at his statement. "Y-you broke it off? But I thought..."

"No you assumed, Aina."

I nodded at his comment and looked at him expectantly, waiting for the reason as to why he'd done such a thing.

"You already know my reasoning, Darling. I've explained it to you once already."

I shook my head, denying his words. I had no recollection of us ever speaking together about his situation.

He sighed heavily. "Sweetheart, I told you just last night. You've got a horrible memory."

I racked my brain for the answer and just as he repeated himself, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Aina, I can only give my heart and soul away once. And like it or not, I've given it to you." His voice sang with tenderness and love. It hurt my heart to continue beating.

Without my response to stop him, he continued. "One day after a show, I made a realization. For years I've been searching for you among the crowds at shows, in public, everywhere. Praying for a glimpse of your face so we could pick up where we left off..."

My mind raced back briefly to the memory of Ville and myself standing in his childhood bedroom, holding hands.

"When you told me you loved me, I thought I would die from sheer joy. For years I'd loved you and denied it even to myself..."

'I love you, Ville Hermanni Valo.'Had been my exact words, as my memory replayed itself.

"And then you were gone. And I knew I would never be complete again, until you were back in my arms. So I searched and I waited, and finally the void in my soul became so great...I sought any means possible to fill it."

I recalled the weeks I'd spent pent up in my room, crying, screaming to go back to Finland while my parents sat by and watched me, worried.

"So, that's where Jonna came in. Aina, I never loved her, at least, not like I love you. And I told her so and told her that I couldn't marry her. It wouldn't be fair to her or myself."

His long fingers entwined themselves with my own numb, tiny digits. I stared at his chest and couldn't find a way to respond to him.

Looking up in his eyes, all tears were gone, replaced only with shining, pure, love. Without further hesitation, I stood up on my tiptoes and brushed my lips softly against his cheek.

"I can believe you now, Ville." Was all I said, as I unlaced my fingers and retreated to the warmth of the bar.

I felt his green eyes piercing through me as I walked away.