Breaking the Hold

I was running down the empty corridor, one that looked like it belonged in the Asylum but one that I had never seen before at the same time. My breath was heaving, coming out in forced painful pants. There was something coming after me in the darkness thrown from the flickering shadows. I could hear its heavy feet pounding the ground and a constant growl echoing all around me, making my bones shake in fear. I threw myself around a random corner that felt like both left and right and the same time. The thing sounded closer, and I pushed my already trembling and tired legs harder, willed them to carry me faster. The door to my room suddenly came into sight and I almost cried in relief. Closer it came, or faster I ran, and seconds later I was tearing the door open and launching myself inside. I had no time to catch my breath as I tried to slam it shut and force the lock into its sheath. It was almost closed when a grotesque hand that looked ravaged and torn by an animal stormed through and took an iron grip on the door, forcing it to open again. I let out a blood curling scream that left a ringing in my ears as the door slowly inched more and more open as the monster grew stronger and I grew more exhausted. My arm suddenly gave out and the door flew open, revealing a demon cloaked in shadows alive and feeding on my soul with fierce eyes ablaze with malice. I fell back in horror, frozen in fear and unable to move away. I knew those eyes, I had seen them before. They were the eyes of the man in the garden.

I felt myself being grabbed and thrown around like a ragdoll. My eyes opened and I snapped into a sitting position with a gasp like I had been holding my breath for one hundred years. My chest heaved and my breathing was irregular and ragged. My eyes stung with tears waiting to be released. It was stupid to expect going to the garden would keep the nightmares at bay. A nurse knocked at our door then, her concerned lilting voice softer through the wood.

“Mr. Baker? Are you alright? We heard some screaming. Do you need help?” I gulped down air like water and shakily got off the bed, trembling all over while I made my way to the door. I opened it a little and saw her young pale face waiting patiently with a cautious smile.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry I worried you. I was just having a nightmare. Again.” I said the last part quietly, ashamed to say it. Her smile became kinder, her eyes warmer.

“That’s quite alright, Mr. Baker. I just wanted to check. Dinner will be ready soon. Why don’t you go splash your face with some cold water? I’m sure some food will make you feel better.”

I nodded, as she did too in return, and closed the door with a soft click. Jimmy was sitting on his bed, excitedly looking back and forth between the air in front of him.

“What’s going on?” I asked him. I didn’t feel confused anymore, just a little left out. Jimmy looked startled at my voice, probably not expecting to hear a real person talking to him.

“The Reverend is yelling at Johnny for not keeping you safe. He’s quite animated when he’s angry.” Jimmy stage whispered gleefully. I nodded slowly, not sure if I should be glad an imaginary person wanted to be my friend or if I should ignore them all together. I did as the Nurse had suggested and walked over to the sink. I caught sight of my reflection and almost thought I was in one of my nightmares again.

My skin was so pale with a light tint of a sickly green, and there was a light sheen of sweat on my forehead. My eyes were dull and lack luster, looking more like moss under a rock than emeralds. My lips were drawn thin, and my cheeks were hollow and gaunt. The circles around my eyes were darker and more pronounced making me feel like I was wearing a raccoon mask that would never come off. Disheartened, I shut my eyes and threw some icy water onto my face, before patting it dry. Jimmy gave a sudden cry that jarred me before leaping up like the bed was on fire.

“That’s enough!” He roared, taking a step forward and throwing his arms up, like he was separating two boys in a schoolyard fight.

“Jimmy?” I asked, shrinking back against the wall, a little frightened. Jimmy gave an exasperated sigh towards his left, berating in a frustrated voice,

“See what you did to him, Johnny? Poor thing is scared out of his mind!” He gave one last huff and shake of his head before his arms lowered and he turned to me with a bright smile.

“Let’s go to dinner, Zacky. I’ll show you were it is. You two,” He said over his shoulder, looking stern. “-May attend if you promise to behave.” They must have agreed because his mood brightened instantly and he strode forward, wrapping a long arm around my shoulder and steering me out of the door.

The hallway to the cafeteria wasn’t long, and soon delicious smells were filling my nose, making my mouth water. The room itself looked nice, clean tables with cushy looking booths and little tables with chairs of two and four, and a rather large buffet with piles of steaming food over on one side. Jimmy dragged me along to the food and handed me a white china plate.

“Just help yourself to whatever you want, and how much you want. Johnny always does.” He told me, before taking a huge scoop of vegetable lo mien noodles. I stood there nervously, anxiously looking over the food choices. I couldn’t remember how much sugar was in mashed up yams or if salt would somehow keep me up. A nurse seemed to notice my discomfort and came over.

“Is something wrong? Is there something you’re allergic to that you see?” I looked up at her nervously, chewing my lip.

“I don’t’ know what to eat. I don’t want to eat anything that would keep me up.” I told her quietly. She gave me a benevolent smile.

“May I fix you a plate of foods that might help you sleep? I’ve done some research in insomnia, and I could help you, if you would like.” My heart lifted at her words, and I felt some weight be lifted off my shoulders. I nodded.

“Great. Why don’t you go sit with your friend and I’ll bring your food when I’m done.”

I thanked her and joined Jimmy in a booth. He sat by himself, eagerly scooping mashed potato into his mouth. Two full plates sat next to him on the booth, and I realized that his “friends” must have behaved enough to earn dinner and a place in the booth next to him. The nurse quickly brought over a plate with steaming pasta with marinara sauce and some grated fresh parmesan cheese, a small portion of cottage cheese with some cut up pineapple, and a small dish of a brown mush that looked a little like my dog’s food. I looked at it strangely, my nose wrinkling in distaste.

“What’s this?” I asked her, poking at it meekly with my fork. She laughed musically. “That’s Hummus- kind of like chickpea guacamole. It’s quite good with the pita chips.” She pointed to the baked triangles on the plate. I nodded, thanked her and she left. I encouraged myself to eat it, since she had told me it would help me sleep, and I was exhausted. I moved my fork around the pasta, not feeling very hungry, but loving the sight of the noodles all the same. My mother always made a big pasta dinner for holidays when the whole family came together. Thinking about it gave me a pang of homesickness in my stomach. I resolved myself to knowing this was for the best and stabbed a penne and brought it up to my mouth. It was much better than I thought it was, reminding me of something my grandmother made when I was little. I ate with more gusto, comforted by the full feeling developing in my stomach.

I slowly made my way through the pasta and poked at my cottage cheese. Healthy food never looked appealing. I wrinkled my nose and shut my eyes tight and ate it quickly. It wasn’t so bad with the sweetness of the pineapple. Realizing the sugar in the fruit syrup made me think twice about swallowing, but I rationed with myself that the nurse knew what she was doing. Rubbing my knee to calm myself down, I grabbed my glass of milk with the other and looked around as I drank. The wall opposite us was all windows, and from the dim moon light I could see the swirl of the sea foam dancing with the blackened sand. The water further out looked calm as glass, and the lights of ships far off in the distance twinkled like stars. Absentmindedly, I poked at the hummus with a chip and put it in my mouth. I winced, feeling an aversion to a new flavor, but as I ate more, I found it wasn’t absolutely terrible. When my chip hit nothing but empty dish I looked down in shock. I had never finished a plate of food before in years. I simply never had the appetite. Jimmy had finished his plate when I looked over and was eating what was supposedly left over from one of his figments. I guess whoever it was didn’t have much of an appetite.

A portly man came to our table then, with a rolling cart of coffee, various teas and small, dainty desserts. He pulled out a small dish, one that a crème brulée might come in, and handed it to me.

“The nurse told me to give this to you.” He told me. I looked down confused and saw that it was a crumble of apple pie. It looked delicious. “Anything for you guys to drink?” he continued politely.

“Chamomile tea, please.” I requested shyly. The man smiled before pulling out a china tea cup and gently placing a tea bag in a bath of hot water. Handing it to me he asked if I wanted any sugar.

“No, thank you.” He smiled and turned to Jimmy.

“Coffee, two amaretto and a sugar.” He told the man automatically. Obviously this was his usual. He man nodded and prepared the drink. Jimmy took the cup when he was done and refused any dessert, sipping quietly at his drink while he nodded every now and then, acknowledging whoever was on his right.

I too sipped at my drink, blowing on it occasionally. The steam warmed my face and made me feel more alive than I had all day. As I took another gulp a familiar ruckus behind me made me choke. Jimmy reached across the table and thumped me on the back as he waved and called the person over.

“Brian!” Coughing and wheezing I turned around to see if ‘Brian’ was an actual person or just another figment. I gasped and almost dropped my tea into my lap when I saw ‘Brian’ was the man from the garden. The nurses were trying to explain to him that dinner had hours and it would be wise for him to arrive at the appropriate time.

“I’ll eat whenever the fuck I’m hungry!” He yelled at them savagely. The nurse looked like she wanted to say something else when he interrupted her with a shit-eater smirk. “Besides, you can’t refuse me food, can you?” The nurse closed her mouth, sighed defeatedly, and handed him a plate. Lording his smirk over the poor lady, he snatched the plate from her hand and strolled over and began piling on food. Scanning the room and catching Jimmy’s waving and nodded in his arrogant, brash way and began swaggering over to our table. He sat himself down next to me not at all politely and did a strange handshake fist pump greeting with Jimmy.

“How’s it going, Jimbo?” He asked before tearing into a chicken wing.

“Oh it’s here and there.” He answered back airily, waving his hand in the air aristocratically. Thinking he was going to ignore me, I took a sip of tea.

“I see the little Fairy from the garden is eating with us too.” He looked over at me with devilish eyes. I choked again and looked up at him, panicking. I froze when his fiery chocolate eyes locked with my own. Brian was certainly a rude son of a bitch, but he was absolutely beautiful. I had failed to notice the faint traces of eyeliner ringing his eyes, probably left over from yesterday, and the nose ring that gleamed in the light overhead. My heart fluttered and I felt myself getting dizzy. His scrutiny of me made me incredibly nervous and I scooted myself as far away from him as I could in the confines of the booth. Brian barked out a callous laugh and bit into another wing.

“Where’d you find this kid?” He asked Jimmy with a mouthful of food. Jimmy held up a finger, telling Brian to wait, while he finished his conversation with one of his figures. When he had apparently finished, he set his empty coffee cup on the table and said calmly,

“Oh he’s my roommate.”

Brian’s smirk seemed to eat his face as he looked at me again. I refused to turn my head away from the depths of my cup and wished with my entire being that I was as small as the crumbs on the table. Brian and Jimmy continued talking, each one laughing animatedly every now and then. I had finished my tea and pie and longed to get out. If only it didn’t involve talking to Brian or crawling over him. I sat quietly until they had finished, feeling myself starting to nod off. Folding my arms on the table I laid my head on them and listen to the table vibrate with the savage man’s sinfully deep voice. I must have been sleepier than I thought because the next thing I know was someone shaking me roughly and Brian’s hot, silky voice whispering in my ear.

“If you want your paper and pencils and shit you’ll have to come to my room and ask for them nicely.” My eyes felt wide as I looked up. Brian loved watching me squirm.

He and Jimmy left in a fit of dark laughter and I was all alone. In a daze, I shakily stood up and shuffled to my room. It was dark now, but I couldn’t bother turning on the light. I curled up on top of my covers and closed my eyes. I needed to sort out my thoughts. My head was spinning. What made Brian the way he was? Did he hate me? Would he find me and kill me? Was Jimmy really crazy? Were they accomplices? Did Brian ever go to jail? I vaguely heard Jimmy come back in, brush his teeth and crawl in his own bed. Turning on my side I stared out my window, watching the moon rising higher and higher into the sky. My fingers started itching. I ignored it. My feet twitched. I refused to move. Slowly the feelings grew stronger, pulled harder. The itch became a savage need to hold a pencil, a paintbrush, anything. The twitching became a kick, a push to get up. I already knew where I had to go. I needed to go to Him. I needed to get my paper and paints. I needed to get Him out of my head, lay out his beautiful eyes, feather his charcoal hair, trace his smirk. I needed to rid myself of the torment.

Swinging myself out of bed I opened my mouth about to ask Jimmy what room was Brian’s when my feet crunched on something on the floor. Frowning, I looked down. Illuminated in a path of moonlight was 661 was scrawled in giant, thin numbers. I smiled faintly and pulled on a hoodie draped over the foot of my bed. As quietly as I could, I padded my way over to the door, my heart thumping harder and faster with every step I took. The door opened and closed noiselessly and I found myself in a silent, person less corridor. I shivered, recalling my nightmare before starting slowly to my right. I walked until I came to an intersection, and looked around, feeling lost. A soft melody flickered in the air and I immediately felt drawn to it. I followed the hallway to my left, listening like a bloodhound sniffs for food. I finally came to room661 and took a deep trembling breath. I raised my fist and knocked softly, hoping Brian wasn’t in his room, or was sleeping and wouldn’t hear me. To my distress, the melody stopped and soon the door clicked open. Brian leaned against the door frame with the smirk etched into his face and the light from the room spilling around him like heavenly light.

“So you came.” He said knowingly.

I swallowed hard and wiped my sweaty hands on my pants. “I’d like my paper and paints back please.” I looked up and saw his eyes dancing with wicked mirth. He had won completely and I was nothing more than a play toy to be kicked around, tugged every direction at his whim. Wordlessly, he threw the door fully open and I took a step forward, assuming he had invited me in. Just as I was about to enter his arm shot out, palm resting on the other side of the door frame, stopping me in my place.

“What’s your name?” he asked seductively.

“Z-zacky.” I told him. I was scared out of my mind. He seemed to process the information, nodded, and removed his arm. He turned and walked back into his room, leaving me to follow. Squaring my shoulders and taking a fortifying breath, I entered the animal’s cage and hoped I would come back out alive.