Breaking the Hold

My brisk footsteps clicked in rhythm along the hallways, echoing back to me slightly as they bounced off the walls and the spare others that passed me as I walked. My sketchpad, paints and brushes were tucked carefully under my arm. I would never let them go again. As I rounded the corner, I was met with Jimmy pacing back and forth past our door.

“I don’t know, Johnny! Okay?” he yelled, frustrated, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Jimmy?” I called, concerned, as I hesitantly approached. Jimmy’s head snapped up and his electric blue eyes pinned me to the wall.

“OH THANK FUCK!” he screamed, running over to me in too steps and crushing me against his chest. “I know now Johnny! I found him!” There must have been a scuffle next to him because he kicked out at the air like he was fending off someone. “Wait your turn Short Shit! I’m hugging him now!” Jimmy grunted out and pulled me tighter to his chest.

“Jimmy!” I wheezed. “I can’t breathe!” The spokes of by sketchbook were digging into my arm and the ends of my brushes were poking in between ribs extremely painfully. He set me down and I wobbled a bit. His happiness seemed quickly forgotten as he rounded on me with the same intensity as his jubilation.

“Where the hell were you? I was up sick worrying about you! Johnny almost puked himself with worry too!” I was touched that someone cared enough to worry themselves over me.

“Thanks Jimmy.” I told him sincerely. “You didn’t need to worry though. I was…uh…I was with…Brian.” I said the last part quietly and felt my face heat up. I looked at my shoes, fearing Jimmy would laugh at me or at the very worst that Brian would show up then and make a sarcastic and embarrassing comment. Instead, Jimmy said nothing, which began to make me concerned. Jimmy was never quiet.

I looked up and he was studying me curiously. I felt my palms begin to sweat. Did he have bad news to tell me? After what seemed like an eternity, Jimmy opened his mouth and asked me blatantly,

“Are you two fucking?”

I felt my eyes widen and I spluttered. My mind went blank as I was caught unprepared.

“W-what? Jimmy…WHAT!?”

Jimmy cackled. “I’ll take that as a maybe. Come on then, Zack Snack, let’s get some breaky.” And with that he turned on his heel and loomed his way to the cafeteria. The possibility that Jimmy might be bipolar crossed my mind for a fraction of a second. Still spluttering like a goldfish that suddenly found himself without water I followed him.

“We’re not fucking.” I told him adamantly while piling some melon on my plate. An older lady behind me made disapproving noises to which I rolled my eyes in a huff. Jimmy giggled while reaching for muffins for his multiple plates. I growled, quickly growing tired of him not believing me. “Jimmy I’m serious. I don’t even know where he is!” I angrily threw some scrambled eggs onto my plate, causing bits of them to splatter.

“Sure you don’t.” Jimmy teased me in a sing song voice as he walked over to our table and laid out the plates for Johnny, the Reverend and himself. Sliding into the booth across from him I continued to defend myself.

“No, I don’t. He left while I was sleeping.” I didn’t touch my food and crossed my arms over my chest instead.

“You slept?” Jimmy’s eyes brightened genuinely. “That’s good, I’m proud of you! Where did you sleep?”

I felt my face heat up again and I heard the shovel hit the dirt as I dug myself further and further into my grave. “Inbriansbed.” I mumbled under my breath.

Jimmy grinned like a maniac and his eyes shone with wicked mirth. “Sorry? I didn’t catch that. You slept where?” He had obviously heard me the first time.

“In Brian’s bed!” I exploded. I was tired of his teasing. I angrily stood up, snatched up my sketchbook, and stormed out of the cafeteria, earning strange looks from the other patients and some concerned looks from the nurses helping out with breakfast. On my way out I passed Brian, who looked a little dazed and exhausted. I paused only long enough to catch his eye before I slammed my way through the doors and out to the garden. I saw Brian stop and stare bewildered out of the corner of my eye as the doors swung shut behind me.

I walked over to the tree where I first met Brian, my anger diminishing with every step until I was nothing but worn out with a stress headache building behind my eyes as I slid down the tree trunk and sat on the ground. It was still warm out, even in October, something I was grateful for. I hated cold weather. I drew my knees up to my chest and rested my head on it, letting the calmness of outside quell down the feelings of unrest and upset within me.

I was sick of Jimmy’s teasing, yes, but I was also afraid of letting Jimmy know how much I wanted his questions to be a reality. I was embarrassed to tell him that yes, I wanted Brian to be my lover, taking me every night, then bathing in moonlight in his bed lazing about and drowning in an afterglow with Brian tangled around me and our hearts beating as one. These thoughts frightened me. No one had ever affected me like Brian had. No one had scared me more, had made me more curious, had made me want to hurt myself just for a single touch. I was sure Brian was one of a kind and I would never meet anyone like him ever again. And a large part of me didn’t know how to let Brian go.

In an effort to sort my mind out, I opened my sketch book to a fresh page and picked out the pencil that had been wedged between the spirals of the binding. I looked at it, satisfied with its semi sharpness and nub of an eraser. My hand flowed over the page, gliding effortlessly. My mind drained down my arm, into my fingers, and reemerged as pencil lead on the paper.

An outline of Brian’s face appeared of the paper, gradually being fleshed out in shadows and details. I completed his eyes first, becoming lost in them, making them perfect. Any blemish was unacceptable. After all, it was Brian’s eyes told me everything. When I had finished, I inspected them, and shivers broke out on my arms. Brian was living in the page, living for me and because of me. Brushing some bangs out of my eyes, I continued working on the rest of his face with the same obsessive attention to detail. Brian didn’t deserve to be messed up anymore. Time, sound, and motion seemed to stop as I lost myself further and further into my drawing. It wasn’t until I had finished the right side of his face and the stubble on his chin that I looked up and noticed I wasn’t alone.

Brian was sitting next to me, looking over my shoulder and inspecting my drawing with a conflicted face. I instinctively brought the sketchbook up to my chest, hiding what I had been drawing. I felt a blush flood into my cheeks and I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

“B-Brian! What are you d-doing here?” I stuttered out. Brian didn’t say anything, still looking at where the sketchbook had been resting on my knees.

“Why do you draw me looking so sad?” Brian asked quietly. I felt like I had been slammed with a ton of bricks. Brian looked so wounded, do defeated, so worn out. This Brian was completely human, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“W-what? Why were you…I mean it’s okay but…I didn’t draw…or I didn’t mean to…” My voice choked in my throat and died there. I looked at Brian again. His eyes were hard and distant and looked the way they did when the psychiatrist sedated me, vulnerable and exposed.

Brian seemed to think for a little longer before shaking his head and looking back at me with the clear alive eyes that still frightened me a little.

“You didn’t eat breakfast.” He told me blankly. I looked away, feeling ashamed of my antics.

“I overreacted. Jimmy wouldn’t stop teasing me.” I explained quietly, looking down at my shoes.

“I know. He told me.” I groaned. That fucker. “You know he doesn’t mean any harm. If anything it means he really likes you.” I nodded, burying my face into my jeans. Silence passed between us, but it wasn’t angry or uncomfortable. Brian leaned back and I heard him fish a carton out of his jean pocket and the click of his lighter as he lit his cigarette. He sucked in and blew out calmly, and the smell of nicotine filled my nose. I remembered the smell of his bed last night and shivered.

“So do you always draw me?” Brian asked and I could feel his smirk. He was back to his cocky, arrogant, bastard self.

“No.” I retorted defensively. Brian took another drag on his cigarette.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, Zacky. I mean I did rock your world last night, you know, after we fucked.” I groaned but smiled into the denim. I would never live this down. Brian chuckled and got up.

“You should come to dinner. Jimmy’s worried you won’t come back.” I looked up, feeling horrible.

“I will.” Brian nodded and pushed his aviators onto the bridge of his nose. As he turned to leave, I called out to him.

“Thanks for letting me stay with you last night, Brian.” He stopped in his tracks, and turned, looking at me, either cautiously or curiously, I couldn’t tell.

“No problem. Your fat ass was too heavy to move off the bed anyway.” He cajoled, smirking at me, not with malice but with something like friendship. I flipped him off and he laughed. I watched him walk away feeling better than I had in years.

The afternoon passed quickly and I stayed outside drawing. By the time the sun was low in the sky and the lights in the cafeteria cast illuminated the darkened leaves I was almost finished. I closed my sketchpad tenderly, knowing I would be awake tonight and would be able to finish it then. I let out a satisfied sigh and rolled my wrist around, trying to work out the cramp. It popped and felt looser. I gathered my things and stood up gingerly, my legs were as stiff as planks from sitting all day at the trunk of the tree. I quietly walked through the garden, noticing how much quieter it was at night. I let myself in and began the short trek back to my room. When I let myself in soundlessly, I saw Jimmy looking nauseous at the foot of his bed.

“I know Johnny! You don’t have to rub it in! When I see that little squirt of a kid I’m going to give him a bone crushing hug…SAY THAT AGAIN JOHNNY AND I’M SHOVING YOU IN THE CLOSET!” I laughed at Jimmy’s antics and dropped my things on my bed before standing in front of him with my arms open wide.

“I’ll take that hug now.” I told him with a smile. Jimmy looked up with his startling ice blue eyes like he didn’t believe I was real. He stood up and towered over me before scooping me up and pressing me into the biggest hug of my life.

“I missed you kid. I’m sorry I teased you.” He told me sniffling.

“It’s okay.” I told him as he set me down. I walked over to put my drawing pad and paints in their spots in my desk. As I closed the drawer I looked over my shoulder and said as nonchalantly as I could.

“Oh and Jimmy?” He looked over like a puppy who heard the food bag open. “Brian fucks like a god.” Jimmy’s mouth fell open and he was absolutely dumbstruck. I laughed outright then, full wicked mirth that hurt my sides and caused me to double over before I wiped the tears from my eyes. I sauntered over and patted him on the shoulder, saying

“Come on, we’ll be late for dinner” and walking out the door.