Breaking the Hold

I felt a pressure building behind my eyes that radiated around my head like a hemisphere of pain. The pounding started slowly, building into a crescendo that made my stomach thrash and my breathing to hitch. I hated stress migraines. My eyes burned from the tears and I scrubbed my face with my hands, pushing as firmly as I could to try and ease the pain. I stumbled to my feet, using the wall as support and walked as steadily as I could to the bathroom. I had prescription migraine medicine and instant cold packs under the sink. I didn’t get chronic migraines on a weekly basis or anything, but I did get them occasionally and when I did they rendered me unmovable. I tried to keep myself as calm and relaxed as possible, however it was a hard task considering I wanted to throw up my organs and scream until my blood vessels broke and blood came out my nose.

I didn’t dare turn on the light as I fumbled around blindly for my bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet. When my fingers curled around a bottle, I peeked an eye opened and verified that it was in fact my medicine and not some of Jimmy’s Lithium pills. Shakily I unscrewed the cap with a small pop and poured out a pill into my hand. I filled the cup that contained my toothbrush and drank it all down, pushing the pill through my esophagus. Afterwards, I bent down as far as I could without moving my upper body, one hand still pressing on my forehead and searched blindly under the sink for the thin cardboard box or chemical ice packs. I quickly found one, as there wasn’t much underneath my sink, and broke it open, shaking the chemicals alive as I shuffled to my bed. I crawled under my comforter as fast as a sleepy tortoise and with as little movement as possible. I took deep breaths and held them for three counts as I put my ice pack that was now becoming cold on my eyes and pulled the covers over my head to block out the lights, leaving a small hole to breathe.

I drifted into a small, floaty world between dozing and awake where I could feel every inch of my body, but at the same time numb and lost in the sensation of cold seeping into my brain, slowing everything down like the world slowly dies during winter. I was planning an argument to convince Jimmy that we needed to get blackout curtains in our room without accidently encouraging war figments to appear or make Jimmy think we were somehow involved in a war. My thoughts drifted to the scary man at dinner whose name I still didn’t know. The mark on my neck tingled as I thought of how wonderful Brian’s lips felt as they sucked on the tender skin as he marked me as his. Maybe we were in a war after all.

I wasn’t as mad anymore at Brian, now that the initial shock had worn off. I wasn’t expecting it in the slightest; I had expected Brian to give me leading questions to keep a controlled conversation or something like that. My head gave a twinge and I winced. It would be a long night, lying in bed with a splitting headache and not being able to sleep, draw, talk…anything remotely entertaining. I wished Brian was here. He would know what to do.

In a moment of contrition, the universe sent Brian and Jimmy talking feverishly to one another in hushed voices. The sharpness of the whispers, however, went straight to my head and sliced into it like a hot knife through butter. I hissed and moaned, causing a pause in the conversation. I could see Jimmy’s ears perk up like a dog who had heard something interesting.

“Zacky?” A voice called curiously out. It was Brian. I heard footsteps hesitantly approach my bed and after a moment the cover was pulled back. Light from the room flooded behind my closed eyes and my head screamed.

“Shut off the lights!” I rushed out, scrambling blindly to snatch the blanket back. “Please, I have a migraine!” I was almost in tears again. This pill really needed to start working.

“Tch, vampire…” I heard Jimmy mutter before I heard him shuffle over and the lights were extinguished. I felt the bed dip then and knew Brian had taken a seat at the edge.

“Are you alright, Zacky?” He asked me quietly, and I could hear the concern drip off of his words and hit me like summer rain. I peaked an eye at him. He looked like someone had killed his puppy. What was this look for?

“Yeah Brian, I’m fucking peachy.” I told him in an attempt at sarcasm that actually came out like a whine. He made an impatient noise through his nose.

“No, I mean like about before. You know..at..um..dinner.” He trailed off lamely. Was he ashamed? Embarrassed? Worried? Brian was turning out more and more to be a hard nut to crack.

“Oh..um yeah. I’m doing alright. Just a little freaked out.” I gave him a weak smile. A small smile erupted on his face, like a shy flower blooming.

“Can I get you anything?” He asked in a low voice, his eyes scanning over my face.

“Coffin? Bag of blood?” Jimmy called from the other side of the room. Brian’s body blocked him from where he was sitting, but I flipped off his general direction. Brian chuckled.

“How about a neck rub and an explanation?” I offered quietly. Brian’s light mood seemed spoiled slightly.

“Sure.” He murmured awkwardly and I felt him slide down until he was lying next to me. “Let me into your cocoon here, Butterfly, and I’ll make you feel better.” I shiver ran through my body at the dirty meaning that was nowhere near the context of his words and I blushed. I needed to pull myself together. Maybe I needed pills like Jimmy. Brian lifted up my blanket and crawled under, lying on his side and extending his arm over my pillow.

“Put your face here.” He told me, and patted the crook of his arm. When I looked curiously at him he told me,

“I’ll keep it dark so Jimmy can turn on the light.” I nodded and shimmied over, holding the ice pack tight to my head as I did so until I rested in a little nook of pillow, Brian, and darkness. The smell of Brian’s cologne was even more present here and I found myself quickly becoming drunk on the scent. The closeness and intimacy of this moment seemed so taboo, so untouchable, I wondered if I had fallen asleep after all.

Brian’s rough fingers gently worked away at my neck, easing away each knot one at a time. It felt so good I thought I would start purring or moaning or something equally embarrassing. Thankfully no sound came out except for a contented sigh. Brian seemed to notice, but said nothing and kept stroking my skin.

“I’m sorry I got so aggressive at dinner.” He began quietly. He sounded ashamed and I knew if I said anything while he was this exposed, this vulnerable, his walls would come up and he would rip me in two. I lied there silently, waiting for him to go on. The medicine had finally started to work so the less my head hurt the more I could concentrate on Brian.

“It’s just…he’s bad news, Zacky. Like, seriously messed up.”

“Brian, we’re all messed up. This is a mental hospital.” I pointed out. As if on cue, Jimmy let out a wicked cackle and screamed,

“All together now!” and began honking like a goose. I guessed he and Johnny were bonding with the stallion duck.

“Well some of us are more messed up than others…” He trailed off as Jimmy’s honking became louder and more obnoxious. I think he was trying to honk the French national anthem. “But seriously, Zacky. Please stay away from him. He’s dangerous.” Brian’s tone became serious again and I felt fear begin to creep up my body, starting with a tingling in my toes that ran up my spine. I swallowed and nodded. That seemed to content Brian, and he didn’t say anything more on the matter. His heavenly fingers worked their way over to my shoulders, my neck thoroughly relaxed now. Teasingly, his fingers ghosted over the mark he made earlier.

“I marked you good…” he said, clearly proud. I scoffed while inside I was wriggling with desire to be marked by him again. The way his mouth moved in harmony to bring my blood to blossom into a piece of him was incredible. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t.” I said too quickly. Goddamn it. Brian laughed and continued teasing the skin around the angry purple mark.

“I’ll keep that in mind for the future.”

My face felt hot, even through the ice pack. We said nothing for a while, Brian absentmindedly rubbing my shoulders all while. Suddenly curiosity overcame me.

“Why did you do it Brian? Why did you treat me like I was…significant.” I finished lamely, not really knowing what to call the situation.

“I thought if he thought you were taken, he would leave you alone. Like there was no point in trying.” He told me honestly. I was taken aback, expecting a crude sarcastic answer to escape the situation. “I also wanted him to know that you had protection, in case he decided in that fucked up head of his that he wanted to mess with you.”

Something rose up in my stomach then, a fluttery feeling like a panicked bird trying to escape confines. Various emotions flickered through my veins; surprise, contentedness, elation, fear.

“You have my back?” I asked, shocked. I half expected him to laugh and tell me he was just kidding.

“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?” He asked, confused and sounding a little hurt.

“I just…you were…used to…” I babbled, trying to sort out answers that wouldn’t make anyone angry. “No one’s ever done that for me before.” I finally said quietly. Brian held me a little tighter and his fingers cradled my jaw gently.

“I’ll protect you, Zacky.” He promised me quietly. Warmth bubbled up inside of me. I was safe.

I smiled into Brian’s shirt, liking how his words resounded in my ears, playing back over and over. My headache was now about sixty percent gone, and the mild sedatives in the medicine were making me drowsy. I took the ice pack off my now slightly red forehead and tossed it to the floor behind Brian. I pulled the covers higher up around us and turned over in Brian’s hold. He seemed to hesitate for a minute before cautiously scooting closer and slowly wrapping an arm around me, like he was afraid I would rip it off if he got too close. It was odd how similar Brian and the scary man were, and yet they were worlds apart. Brian could be savage, dangerous, and shit-your-pants scary. But he could also be tender, vulnerable, and caring, in his own way. Brian was a human with a hurt heart. The other man hurt with no humanity. I curled Brian’s hand tighter around me, silently telling him how much I wanted him there.

“I’ll never let him get you. Not when you’re significant to me.” Brian whispered to me.