Lacrimo Crystallinus

"Hey, Bao, wait!"

One of my three best friends, Jess, runs to catch up to me at the doors exiting the school. I wait for her patiently and when she finally reaches me, she is breathing heavy. As she pants largely, she ties her reddish-brown hair into a loose, but somehow perfect ponytail. I guide her to the edge of the parking lot, eager to get home and annoyed with the fact that she forgot my birthday. She begins to dig in her pocket for her keys.

"What are you doing tonight?" Jess asks as she rummages around.

"Nothing special." She produces a long, slender ticket from her pocket… along with two others and hands them to me. I look at them. They are for one of my favorite musicians, Gackt. Unable to contain a smile, I glance up at her and she nods as I turn them over to make sure that they're not some kind of douchey trick. They aren't.

"I didn't forget your birthday, Bao. I just wanted to give this to you when Melody wasn't around so she couldn't get jealous." I don't bother asking who the third one goes to, since Melody apparently isn't allowed to go. I already know.

"Thanks," I say, my excitement fading a little. "What time should I be there?"

"It starts at 8pm, but it opens at 6."

"I'll meet you around 7 then." I get into my car and drive back home to do homework, shower, and leave a note for my mother.

Upon entering the auditorium, I am overwhelmed by the sheer size of it. It's a fairly new building and looks a lot smaller on the outside. The pungent odor of marijuana, cigarettes, and too much perfume nearly clogs my nostrils. Making my way to the floor, my eyes are drawn to the bright backdrop with Gackt's man-model face plastered all over it. It's just wrong that anyone can look so hot in their late thirties. I find a spot on the floor close to where I usually am during shows and people watch. Concerts are excellent self-esteem boosters. People must try to pick out their most revealing and unflattering outfit in their wardrobe (or in some cases, steal it from their daughters or little sisters). Some people shouldn't wear certain things… let's just be honest.

Within a few minutes, I see Jess weaving through the crowd with her boyfriend trailing behind her. Excited for the concert, I don't even bother to try and get food. The fan girls press in on us from all around, their eyes searching what little of the backstage that is visible for Gackt. I know I've caught a glimpse of him when a wave of gasps goes through a section of the girls in front of me. A girl beside me looks just as annoyed as I, and gives me a look, which I nod with and laugh.

Within a few hours, the concert is already half way through and Gackt is putting on an excellent show. The fan girls are somehow even more obnoxious than I thought they would be and Jess has long since disappeared into the crowd with her boyfriend. I'm left standing alone inside a singular unit of screeching fan girls with skirts that are too short and un-even pigtails, most of which are too Caucasian for the style of makeup that they've applied.

As I'm being pushed around by them, two of the stronger ones pick me up by my ankles and throw me into the air as Gackt begins to shed his jacket on the stage. The material catches on the bottom of his shirt and pulls it up as well, revealing some delicious abs. The fan girls below me let out a scream of ecstasy, jumping up and down, tossing me high and in random directions. Both shocked and frustrated, I have no choice but to let people grope and prod at me until I'm up close to the stage. As I reach the front (where the security guards usually help crowd surfers down), I catch a glimpse of Gackt's face. His lips twitch as he pauses in the music; he tries not to smile. I look down and realize that I just flashed him my underwear. Blushing profusely, I smack the hand of someone pulling my skirt up, grab the edge of my skirt with one hand, and with the other, I grasp the hand of one of the security guards who pulls me to solid ground.

I make my way back into the crowd and begin searching for Jess, and after seven or so songs, I give up and when Gackt plays his final song, I make my way out slowly, hoping to see them leaving. In less than half an hour, the auditorium is nearly empty and it seems that Jess and her boyfriend left me. Too angry for words, I head to the nearly-empty balcony with tears running down my cheeks. I stubbornly hold back a sob, hoping that the person smoking a cigarette on the balcony doesn't hear me. I turn away from him, standing a safe two feet from the edge. A sob tears free from my throat and with it comes a new rush of tears and an unrelenting heavy sob. The person turns to me in alarm, but I can't make out his face in the tears that fill my eyes too quickly.

He flicks his cigarette over the balcony's railing and stands beside me as if he were my best friend instead of Jess. "What's wrong?" he asks, his fingers brushing my arm hesitantly, unsure if it's safe to do so or not. I sob again and can't bring myself to look at him.

"My friend brought me here for my birthday, but she didn't even hang out with me because she came with her stupid boyfriend! And now she left me without a way to get home…"

"What a crappy friend," he says sympathetically, patting my shoulder, "I'm going to need transportation too, so do you want to share a taxi?"

I look up at him in surprise, but I can only see his brown hair and somewhat pale skin between the dim lighting and my teary eyes. "I don't have any money. I'm sorry…"

"Don't worry about it; I'll take care of it."

"W—who are you?" I ask, unable to keep the reverence out of my voice. I have never met a stranger who was so kind before.

"Names…" he says, pausing, "aren't that important."

"You are either the nicest or creepiest person I've ever met," I say, laughing at how pathetic my voice sounds. He laughs at my words. "I'm Bao," I tell him, smiling as I wipe my eyes on my sleeve.
Before I get done wiping my eyes, his deep voice says, "I'm Gakuto."

Afraid to see that he is telling the truth, I pause and my heart beats quickly. I laugh nervously and slowly lower my arm. It is Gakuto Camui, otherwise known by his stage name: Gackt. His smile and man-model face are impossible to mistake. I blush furiously and wipe my eyes a second time, turning away from him in hopes that he won't see my expression.

"You seem surprised," he says, smiling wider. "Most musicians in America are not like me?"

"Not at all like you," I answer quickly.

"Then what are they like?"

"Many of them take drugs and party all the time... and kids idolize people like that."

"That's no good," he says, sliding the door open. Paused in the doorway, he beckons for me to follow him. "Come, the taxi is being summoned." He lets me walk in front of him, for which I am grateful. I try not to look at him, but when I think he isn't looking, I sneak a glance. He's every bit as flawless as his pictures advertise. He catches me looking at him and I look away quickly, my cheeks growing warm. The sound of his pleased laughter makes my heart skip.

"You don't have to be embarrassed," he says with a smile, his hand patting my head delicately. I blush yet deeper. "You can look at me whenever you please for as long as you please, Bao-chan." He makes a funny face and I laugh, all traces of my crying free from my voice.

"Do you enjoy being a musician?" I ask, truly curious.

He turns to me a bit, eternally calm and hidden behind sunglasses. "Of course. Why do you ask? Was my performance tonight lacking?"

"No, not at all," I admit, shaking my head. "I was just wondering. Sometimes, musicians talk about how they miss their families and having time to themselves to do what they want to do. I was curious if it were the same way for you."

"I guess I feel that way sometimes," he says after a moment of thought. "I was close with my family, but they understand that this is my calling. This is what I have always wanted to do, but it does get frustrating constantly sitting in a tour bus and being shipped from place to place on a plane. I don't mind flying, but I end up sitting by strange people on airplanes. Do you know what that's like?"

"That has happened to me before."

"And the flight attendants!" he says, laughing. "The flight attendants are the worst. They won't even look at my eyes. I can't be that intimidating, can I?"

"No, not scary…"

"Then what, Bao-chan? You do the same thing sometimes. What is that?"

"What is what?" I ask innocently, my cheeks going pink.

He says with a chuckle, "women" and shakes his head.

At last, we are standing outside of the concert arena, the cool autumn wind nipping at my face. I shiver and look over at Gackt, who is standing coolly with sunglasses on even though it's night time. I point at his glasses.

"Why are you wearing those? It's night time…"

"Oh these?" he asks, his fingers going to them. "Perhaps you're right. I feel silly." His fingers slide the glasses off and he places them in his back pocket, his eyes closed as he does so. When he finally opens his eyes, I am astonished to see bright blue irises. My breath catches in my throat at how stunning they are. His dimples show as he tries desperately not to smile. "What is it, Bao-chan? Are my contacts acting strange?"

"No, no," I assure him. "I just…" I am unable to finish speaking. He smiles, touching his nose idly as he looks at me and finally out at the parking lot. A taxi pulls up to us, the driver waving in indication that he is here for our service. Gackt gestures for me to slide in first. I do so quickly, making certain that my skirt does not raise overmuch. He slides in behind me, and when finally seated, his hand brushes against mine and I flinch, pulling my hand back quickly in surprise.

"Please, excuse me," he says politely, shifting to be further away from me. His hand rests on the seat between us and it looks entirely too tempting. Though relaxed, his hand is fairly solid, but also lean. His tendons show lightly through his smooth skin and blue lines of his veins crossing his hand. I reach out to it, and when I am about to touch it, I reconsider and pull my hand back, disappointment in my shyness filling my heart. Pulling my hands toward me, I look out the window and try not to think about the fact that such delicious man beauty was sitting near me, close enough for me to touch, even if my confidence wouldn't permit.

I have heard many stories of Gackt. My friend Melody was a fan girl, to be honest, so I heard all sorts of rumors and nearly a verbal biography on him. According to Melody, Gackt was once married, but it ended horribly. They were married for only six years, and four of those years were spent apart, while Gackt toured Europe and America. For those four years, it was discovered that his wife was cheating on him and he accepted it and tried to ignore it in hopes that it would go away, but it didn't. When she became pregnant with the other man's child, she divorced him. Gackt refused to pursue the case and let her leave, knowing and understanding fully what had occurred for the past four years. From then on, he refused to commit himself to any one person, and instead, played the field. Knowing how crazy his fans were, he could get whatever he desired for little to no cost. I had to wonder if any of that was true. I look at him, unable to form the picture of a failed marriage for him. What woman in her right mind would be unfaithful to a man like Gackt?

At the moment I glance over to him, he looks to me, his icy blue eyes playful and curious. I can't but stare.

"Bao?" he asks, a smile playing along his lips.

"I'm sorry," I say, looking away. "I just was thinking of something." He looks at me, waiting for me to continue, so I do. "My friend, Melody, is a fan of you. She told me that… you were… married… once." Gackt's expression falls and his eyes take on a certain degree of darkness. "I—Is it true?"

He is silent for a time. "Yes, it is," he admits. "I—I hate talking about it. She must have told you of the outcome, I am sure." I nod. "I always wonder if it was my fault. I was away too often for my career. It was… unhealthy for us both."

"Perhaps," I say, touching his hand at last. "But ultimately, it was her choice to do wrong. You were faithful, and had the right to expect her to do the same." He nods once, his thumb finger gently stroking my pinky finger. "Gakuto…"

"Please, Bao, say nothing more. I would not like history to repeat itself." He slides his hand out from under mine and fills the taxi with silence. I stare out the window, trying desperately to contain my scattered emotions. They seem inappropriate for the occasion, so I focus on the passing scenery, hoping to snuff them out.

When I muster the courage to finally speak, the taxi has pulled up by my driveway. The driver is waiting patiently for me to exit. Gackt does not look at me.

"Gakuto, please look at me."

His head turns reluctantly, his eyes regarding me flatly.

"I do not know if you could love, but if you do not give the opportunity for it, you will never feel it again," I say, staring into his eyes, my emotions filling each word to the seams. "You are afraid of being hurt, but you are hurting yourself by keeping everything locked up. I promise that happiness will find you someday if you have an open heart." His stare is that of complete awe. "Goodbye, Gakuto. It was a pleasure." I close the cab door behind me upon my exit, on him, on the miracle that was our meeting. I make my way up the stairs to my home and begin to search for my keys. The cab pulls away from the curb hesitantly and slowly into the distance.

Behind me, a hand touches mine and I spin to see Gackt. His eyes are wide with wonder, as if he doesn't trust himself to see me clearly. His hand holds mine gently as he looks into my eyes for a long moment. I am unsure of what to say.

"I was right," he says, drawing me near. "You are..." I can hear the gentle beating of his heart as I rest my cheek on his chest. I am too stunned to react. We stand there for a long moment, held tightly to one another. "Bao-chan, tell me how old you are."

"I…" I hesitate, weighing the possibility that he will leave and wanting to be honest. I draw away from him, to see his face. "I'm seventeen." My heart skips as his expression slips a little. "Gakuto," I say, pulling gently on his jacket, to bring the answer from him.

"Bao… I…" he says, clearly torn. He reaches up and pulls a lock of hair from his face. "I must be honest, I am—I am interested in pursuing a relationship with you. A real one."

I gasp. "B—but our…" My voice falls away, not wanting to finish my thoughts. He shakes his head, his hands closing over mine with decisive finality. His eyes, normally flat, hold a strange intensity of emotion, as if he had been holding it back for a long time.

"I know what I want. I've waited for long enough… one more year is nothing," he says with a smile. "I have dated all sorts of girls, some young, some really young, and some older. I know what I'm looking for and I'm looking at it now."

"Gakuto, we have only just met! How could you be so certain of something like this?"

"I don't know," he admits, shaking his head. "I just… I feel that this is right. I have never felt such a feeling before, and I know that this is what I want."

I look away from him, taking the time to tell myself that it really is him. It's really Gackt. I think of all the girls who would kill to be in my position, all the girls who were in my position, and all the girls that will probably be in my shoes when he's done with me. I look at him again, his artificial blue eyes entirely calm. "I don't know what to say."

"I want to commit myself to you… only you," he says serenely with the quiet confidence that I am accustomed to seeing in videos of him.

Breathing in, I know what I should say. I know in my head that I should decline and try to just stay happy with friendship, but my heartbeat stutters at the thought of letting him slip away. I close my eyes, tangled in my morality and my emotions.

"Gakuto, I… I will commit myself to you, also," I promise, opening my eyes to stare into his. They are brighter than I had yet seen them. A small smile lights up his face and eyes still more, and his hands squeeze mine.

"I promise I will not disappoint you, Bao-chan." He leans forward a bit and kisses my forehead. I am pleasantly surprised, but my choice does not sit right in my heart. I already feel the nagging guilt of having to keep our commitment secret. When he parts from me, his eyes flick down to my lips and I turn a bit, hoping he will not try to kiss me. Accepting my hesitance, he bows slightly and kisses my hand, an archaic act of chivalry. "Please stay well. Here is the number of my cell phone," he says, offering me a piece of paper. I take it gingerly in my hand, curling it toward my palm.

"Gackt," I call, stopping him before he returns to the cab. He turns to face me, his slightly-pale skin looking unnatural in the streetlight. "What is your actual name?"

He smiles his closed-mouth smile and shakes his head. "I have never had much use for names." Before I can protest, he slips into the taxi and is gone. I stand alone on the porch for a moment, watching the horizon where the cab disappeared. Ground in wonder, I can hardly believe what happened tonight. I open the door to my house and slip inside, hoping that my parents didn't hear any of what transpired.