Lacrimo Crystallinus

The moment I see him enter the room, I think I am screwed. Possibly screwed beyond hope. Every cell in my body cries out in protest at the situational irony and for a moment, I honestly want to cry and/or die. And as if to put voice to my worst fears, my father breaks the silence with his typical eloquence.

“Who the hell are you?” He stares at Gackt with what I know must be hatred in his eyes. I close my eyes for a moment, feeling very tired with my father’s ridiculous, childlike behavior. Gackt is quiet for a short moment, probably stunned into silence. Though his face shows no such thing, it stretches long enough for my father to take notice of his speculation. “Hey, punk, are you listening? I asked you a question!” I notice the muscles in his jaw tensing and relaxing.

“I apologize, sir,” Gackt says almost sweetly, adjusting his glasses absently. My father is surprisingly quiet. “I am a friend of Bao’s and I have come to check up on her.”

“Why haven’t we met before, boy?” my dad asks, distrust coloring his voice. “I don’t like my little girl hanging around strange boys like you. Speak up.”

“We have not had the chance to meet because I met your daughter while visiting Denver from Nagoya, Mr. Zhao.” For once, I wince at Gackt’s honesty. My father has an innate distrust toward native-born Japanese after an… incident. I had learned a long time ago not to talk about it, but I know that it exists. “I do not live here.”

“Japanese, eh? What’s your name?”

“Yes, I am Japanese.” Gackt glances at me, but I can manage only to stare back, my body burning in sympathetic agony for our situation. I know it’s not easy being put on the spot like this. His eyes linger on mine a moment longer, then he turns back toward my father. “Well, ah… you may know me as the performer, Gackt.”

I glance at my mother, who is a fan of him, and I can see the comprehension in her eyes. “Kamui Gackt,” she mumbles absently, reverently. “I know of him.” My father gives her a level look before returning his gaze to Gackt. “But I never thought I would ever meet someone famous… I can’t believe that you are him—but you are!” I want to face-palm.

Gackt smiles nervously. “Ah, thank you, I think.”

My father snorts, apparently not caring who he is, only about what he is. “The police told us that you were with Bao when she was attacked. At her mother’s house. She was alone at the time. That seems pretty convenient, doesn’t it, mister musician?”

“Dad!” I protest at last. From my peripheral vision, I can see Gackt’s relieved face. “He was there to help me. We were supposed to hang out that day and he arrived in time to save me from what could have been even worse!”

He is quiet for a long moment, doubt heavy in his silence. Gackt removes his sunglasses, and I smile at finally being able to see his beautiful eyes without contacts. I continue stare at them even as my father speaks.

“My name is Wei,” my father says grumpily. Gackt bows, exuding grace and elegance like a modern-day aristocrat. Beside my father, he looks all the more sophisticated.

“I am Hui Zhong,” my mother says, bowing in response to his own formality. “We are pleased to meet you.”

“Thank you,” he replies, half-bowing before catching himself sheepishly and righting himself. “I am Gackt, as I have said, but… you may call me Satoru. That is my real name.”

A thick silence covers us momentarily and I look longingly at Gackt. He returns my gaze, fatigue clear in his eyes. The silence extends, nearly taunting him to cross the room to my bedside. My father makes no protest as he moves to be beside me. He softly asks a few questions about how I feel and what I have been doing, but I can tell that there is something else on his mind. My father stares at him hard from behind, nearly a glare but not quite. I tell Gackt that I feel a little weak and that there are a few broken bones, but otherwise, I feel fine. I want to kiss him, but I manage to hold back.

“How did you meet my daughter, Satoru?” my father persists, his eyes full of judgments. Gackt looks away from me and to my dad. Fighting the urge to roll my eyes at my father’s tenacity, I manage to sigh softly.

“She attended one of my concerts. She was brought there by her friend, but her friend left her there by herself, and we ended up sharing a taxi.” My father’s harsh stare rests on me, interrogating and disapproving. “We talked a little on the way and became friends.”

“Which friend was it, Bao?” my father demands.

“Jessica,” I answer reluctantly, my gaze flicking to Gackt’s face. He smiles at me reassuringly and his hand finds mine underneath the blanket. His fingers lock around mine and he squeezes my hand softly. “Dad, please…”

“You are older than you look, aren’t you? I don’t like this suddenness—you are hiding something.” My dad pauses and his frown disappears, but his eyes look even colder. “Please leave.”

Gackt is frozen at my side and my eyebrows pull together with annoyance. I glance at Gackt, whose eyes show only an ardent inner war. Face veiled with shame, he stares intently at the vague pattern on the bedspread. I return my gaze to my father, a protest rising in my chest.

“Enough, Wei,” my mother admonishes in her motherly tone. “Leave the boy alone, will you? He is probably just as upset as we are right now.”

My father scoffs and stands away from us. “I’m going to go for a walk.” His heavy footsteps echo in the hall after he leaves the room. He doesn’t even wait for us to protest.

“I’m sorry about him, Satoru,” my mom says, patting Gackt’s shoulder reassuringly. “He is unused to the prospect of his daughter growing up and handsome young men like you make him uncomfortable with the realization.” I blush deeply at the implication. She smiles and Gackt responds with a smile, also, but he seems plagued by thought.

“Thank you for your trust, Miss Zhao. I appreciate it.”

“I wouldn’t call it trust, Satoru, but I don’t think you are a danger to Bao. For Wei’s sake… please make this brief.” My mother shakes her head. “It will take some time for him to be comfortable with her having boy friends and now is not the time to impose upon him for tolerance.”

Gackt nods slowly. “I understand.” He glances at me for a moment and the world suddenly becomes fuzzy except for his eyes. We share something intimate in that shared gaze. “Be well in my absence,” he murmurs in his beautiful baritone, his hand sliding down my shoulder and past my elbow before slipping away from my fingertips. Staring a moment longer, he replaces his glasses and steps out.

“Bao, honey, why didn’t you tell me about your friend?” mother asks excitedly. “To think that we are mingling with someone famous… I am very surprised.”

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” I admit, settling into a nest of blankets. “It isn’t like he’ll be hanging around a lot. He lives in Nagoya, mom.”

“Does he? I thought he was born in Okinawa?”

“He was, but he doesn’t live there anymore.”

My mother smiles gently after a pause, and I know that she has been thinking for a while. “How close are you with Gackt, exactly?”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you thought of… advancing your friendship into something else?”

“I don’t know, mom…”

“I’m not saying that I’m completely for or against the idea, I’m just asking if you have taken it into consideration. There are pros and cons to it, as you probably know.”

“Maybe I’ve thought about it.”

“Who wouldn’t?” she asks with an understanding smile. “I would hardly blame you for any feelings you may have for the man. He seems to have a delightful personality, able to be formal but also comfortable in casual situations.”

“Are you saying that you want me to date him?”

“It’s not about what I want, Bao. It’s about what you want. Do you want him?”

I blush deeply, able only to process that in an inappropriate way. “I—I never…!”

“It’s okay, Bao,” she says with a knowing smile. “I understand.”

As I stare at her, I can only hope that my gaze is unwavering, but I feel like I’m going to pass out. A fleeting thought enters my mind. Does she know? She must know if she talked to me about it so blatantly. I am silent for the remainder of their visit.