Lacrimo Crystallinus

After setting my left arm in a hard cast and a few more days of rest, the had doctors announced that I could be released. Jess and Melody had come to visit me and take me out for a while, but we have to wait a bit longer for a few of my test results to arrive.

“I can’t believe that creep had the nerve to come back and even greet you, much less to help himself to your house!” Jess exclaims, disgusted. “Ugh, what a stupid, nasty pig!”

"He is what he is, I guess," I say, remembering some of the good times we'd had together. "He's human, too... as much as I hate to admit it."

“He was pretty stupid,” Melody says. “If I remember correctly, anyway. I’m relieved to say it’s been a while… what was it, two years?”

“Sixteen months,” I correct her, “but it doesn’t matter. I don’t really feel like talking about Zhi Zhang right now.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought him up,” Jess says. “Are you worried about the tests?”

I am silent for a long moment, imagining a small Zhang growing inside me as I speak to my friends. I imagine it looking like a curled-up spider in the first stages of development, an ugly spider lacking an exo-skeleton and with its organs growing on it instead of inside it. I imagine it feeding off of me like a parasite, growing stronger as I weaken. The thought sends shivers down my spine and waves of nausea flood through me as my stomach knots and lurches. Sudden dread overcomes me and I am almost certain in that moment that the tests will arrive and tell me that I bear his child. I swallow once and push the thought away.

“Yes,” I manage. “There is one test whose results I fear.”

Even more disturbing than my feeling of immense dismay is the next thought to arise. In my mind’s eye, I watch as Gackt—Satoru—learns of the hypothetical ill-conceived child and turns his back on me. Irrevocably, lacking neither malice nor sorrow, just... leaving. In my thoughts, there is only Satoru and only his reaction. I try to assure myself that he would never do such a cruel thing to me, but doubt lingers at the edge of my mind like a gnawing pest. I hope that I will never have to find out what he really would do.

“Don’t you think, Bao?” Jess asks suddenly, drawing me immediately from my thoughts. I say nothing at first, trying to wrack my mind for anything she could be talking about... using her facial expression as a basis. Her mouth is curved down in a subtle, almost polite frown.

“Umm… what?” I ask ineloquently, knowing that saying the wrong thing at that particular moment could really piss her off.

“Melody was saying that I’m too dependent on my boyfriend, but I think we’re soul mates. I mean, come on, we’ve been dating for like nine months without any serious arguments. That’s soul mate material, right?”

“Leave me out of this,” I reply lightly. They smile, but I know suddenly that this is probably the foreshadowing to an underlying problem between the two. Before the awkwardness can intensify, however, one of the nurses arrives with a clipboard clutched to her chest.

“Ms. Zhao?” she calls, more out of politeness than actual ignorance, moving to my bedside when I look her direction. I try to discern my results from her eyes. She looks tired, but relieved. “Your tests have come back and I have some wonderful news for you. Although you mentioned discomfort before, you are not pregnant. All of the STD tests are also negative. What we thought was a fractured femur turned out to be an anomaly with the x ray machine, so you may have a bone bruise, but there were no breaks or fractures. You are healthy.”

I can scarcely believe my luck. I had doubted that Zhi Zhang would have any STDs, but pregnancy was a very real possibility… and one that I really did not want to face. Weak and ecstatic with relief, I wanted to cry.

“Thank you for being so cooperative,” the nurse says, sincere in her gratitude. “You are free to leave now.”

“Thank you for everything you have done for me,” I say, watching as she removes my IV and the heart monitor. “Thank you very much.”

Once I have changed back into my normal clothes, Jess and Melody lead me into an elevator. I wonder idly how I look. Wanting to laugh, I realize that I probably look terrible. During my two week stay, I had only showered four times due to my fatigue and various pains. As I try to get a better idea of how bad it really is by looking at the steel doors of the elevator, I rearrange a fringe of my hair. As I am doing so, the doors open for another patient, who gives me a strange look. I flush at having being caught in the act of arranging my hair.

When the doors open and give way to the lobby, I automatically search for Satoru. Even as I follow my friends, my eyes sweep the hallways leading out toward various other wings. He is not there. My heart sinks a little, but I force myself to keep my thoughts off him as much as possible. After all, I am among friends.

We climb into Melody’s car, she drives to her house, and rushes inside. I realize as I sit there with Jess that the house has changed since the last time I’d been there. Had it really been that long since I spent time here? The once cream colored house is now a beige color, there is a chain-link fence, and the plants that had been dying were pulled up, leaving a neat trim of multi-colored rocks along the edge of the patio, something that is known to some as landscaping.

“Where are we going?” I ask Jess. She smiles.

“Well, it wouldn’t be any fun if I told you, would it? It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

“Come on, you know I hate surprises.”

“I know, but it being a surprise wasn’t really my idea.”

“It wasn’t or it wasn’t really?”

“It wasn’t.”

We sit in silence for a long moment and she laughs. “You’re so serious!”

“Yeah, I know,” I respond after a moment, trying to shake away the fatigue. “I think it’s all the medications. They make me feel kind of weird.”

“Well, we’re taking you some place you can relax and just enjoy yourself. No need to worry. Oh, but I might have to explain a little to the masseuse!”

“Masseuse!?” I exclaim, banging my broken wrist painfully against the seat before cradling it in pain. She laughs at my response.

“Oops, I shouldn’t have said anything!”

Melody returns and raises an eyebrow at my dourness before pulling the car out of the driveway. She drives leisurely. “What’s wrong, Bao?”

“Oh nothing, I was just hearing a little bit about where we’re going. I’m told there’s going to be a masseuse.”

Melody turns around almost completely in her seat to glare at Jess. “You weren’t supposed to say anything!” she whispers harshly.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry.”

We ride in silence and whether from actual fatigue or from the medication, I begin to doze within two minutes. Moments later, Melody is shaking me awake.

“We’re here!”

I blink away the grogginess and glance out the window. We’re parked right in front of a spa.