Lacrimo Crystallinus

Jess slides into a seat beside me in the cafeteria and Melody beside her. Our other friends filter in and everyone begins talking animatedly. I try to focus on the words of the others, but I find my mind constantly wandering back to Satoru. Looking at my nearly-untouched food, I realize that it had become almost habitual for me to stop halfway through eating. I pick up the plastic fork and try again to eat and pay attention to the turn of the conversation, but despite my best efforts, concentration evades me. Thankfully, I am not asked any questions, though Jess occasionally asks for my opinion and I am forced to scramble for an adequate answer.

When the others have left, Jess and Melody remain, their eyes curiously fixed on me. I have long since rejected what remains of my food, pushing it away from me so that I can stare listlessly at the blue of the cafeteria table. Their questioning gazes draw me from the majority of my thoughts, but not quite all the way.

“Is something the matter?” I ask, embarrassed thinking of how long I could have been staring at the table. Jess reaches for her orange-red hair and idly plays with it.

“You tell us.”

“No, not really,” I say casually. I shrug.

“You have been kinda weird lately, Bao. Come on, something’s on your mind.”

“No really, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“So there is something,” she says triumphantly. “Well then, what is it? We’re worried about you. You are usually more animated… but lately, we’ve noticed that you’re really quiet.”

I sigh. “It’s nothing, really… I’ve just been… missing… my boyfriend.”

“Ohhhhh,” Jess says, letting out a breath of relief. “I know how you feel.”

“But Jess, your boyfriend goes here,” Melody says with a chuckle. “How could you know how Bao feels right now? How long was the longest time you’ve been away from him? Ten minutes?”

“Forty-five, actually, thanks!” she retorts, returning the laugh. “We don’t have every class together, you know.”

“Forty-five minutes is nothing to the months that Bao will go without seeing hers.” Melody smiles empathetically. “We understand, Bao. We’re here for you if you need us, but we’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

“Thank you,” I say, forcing a smile. Before they can say anything else about it, I slide away from the seat, pick up the last of my lunch, and sling my backpack over my shoulder. “We should be going to Physics….”

I call Satoru sometime around dusk. My Physics book is laid out on my bed and I have finished half the worksheet by myself, but I am hesitating finishing it. I stare at it for a while before dialing his number. As with the last two times I tried calling, the phone rings and goes to voicemail. I decide to leave him a message.

“This is Satoru. Leave a message, please.”

“Sato-sama, I hope to talk to you this weekend… please take care of yourself. I miss you.”

When I hang up the phone, I feel a strange sensation in my stomach. I had been this way for quite a time after Zhi Zhang, where I feared not being good enough. Though it would be easiest to blame it on him, it was actually my fault and I knew it, but I could not break myself of the habit of putting myself deeper into self-loathing. I stare at the physics book for a time, wondering if Satoru misses me as much as I miss him. I also wonder, at first idly, if there is someone else…

It makes sense. the bitter me says. You’re just some American girl, not even a woman yet. Of course he would be with someone else. She’s probably a really beautiful actress, too, she might even be famous…

No, it does not make sense. the kinder me retorts. If he preferred the affections of someone else, he would have stopped his relationship with you. Remember, it did happen to him.

The two sides of my personality battle it out for a while before I realize that my phone is vibrating on the notebook. I pick it up immediately.

“Hello?” I answer, my heart pumping fast in my veins.

“Hello, who is this?” a woman’s voice asks. I do not recognize the voice.

“This is Bao… who are you?”

“Bao…” the woman repeats as if wracking her mind for my name. “I remember him talking about you. What do you want?”

“What do you mean ‘what do you want’? I want to talk to Satoru...”

“I apologize, but he is busy right now. I can give him a message though, if you want.”

“I left one on the voicemail…”

“I see that, but his cell phone is here with me while he is elsewhere. He will not have the phone for several weeks due to a change in location during filming. I can take a message for you, if you want.”

My heart sinks at the idea of his cell phone at a mystery woman’s home. I can feel the color draining from my face and my heart stop. “I… no… Thank you for telling me… I have something I must do, but thank you for… for telling me…”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to give him a message?”

“Y—Yes, I’m sure… thank you.”

Tears are falling before I even hang up the phone. The only thing I can think of is that he was at this woman’s house and left his cell phone there. Did I really mean that little to him? No… perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps… perhaps they were just out somewhere and he left it… and she found it… Or it could be that she is his relative. Somehow, nothing feels right. My stomach tenses and balls into a knot. I want to curl into the fetal position.

And, as I had so many nights before having believed in Satoru, I cried myself to sleep.