Lacrimo Crystallinus

“Bao...”

She slides the blonde wig off, her dyed light-brown hair falling free and over her shoulders. Tears, black with mascara and eyeliner, are splayed on her cheeks and dripping off her chin.

“Please… please look at me.”

Without looking up, she whispers, “I can’t.” It hurts more than any wound I’ve ever bore and judgment I’ve ever received. I close my eyes, fighting for breath as I did when I was a child, under the waves.

“Don’t say that; please don’t say that…”

“How could you?” she asks. I realize that I betrayed her. Though I’d thought it behind me, it was still treachery. My insides coil.

“It was a distraction for the time, Bao, nothing more.”

“What am I then, Satoru?” She finally looks up, tears swimming in her sweet eyes, full of light. Tears threaten and I turn my face away from her.

“You are… you are everything.” I return my eyes to her face, even more beautiful in the light of the dusk sky. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done, but I can’t change it. If you can’t accept me, I understand.” My heart beats like a desperate bird in my chest, seeking release from my tainted body.

A long moment passes. She rises from the couch where she sat and moves across the room to me. For a second, I think she will tell me that she can’t. Her long dress pools at her feet. “Now you look at me,” she says, her gloved hand moving my face gently. Both eyes are beautiful and different than before, the only similarity that they are sweet and teary. Her innocence seems gone. “What do you see?”

Thousands of images race in my mind. Childlike laughter, pleasure with simplicity, unfair pain, unconditional love, sensitivity yet immense strength of character, suffering in silence, sweet plump lips, huge shining eyes…

“You,” I say, taking her hand in mine as I stand. She looks up at me, her expression unreadable.

“What else?”

Leaning toward her, I see the rise and fall of her chest. She turns away slightly. “Just you,” I whisper, kissing her lips softly. She turns away soon after the contact, stinging my heart with ice.

“Satoru, I love you, but… I don’t know how to feel about this. It’s not something I can simply push away. I’ve been with boys that did what you did and it hurt me. What you did hurt me.”

“Bao, I never meant to hurt you… you are the last person I would ever want to harm.”

“How did you feel when you were with Katherine?”

“Bao, please—“

“You liked it, didn’t you?”

“Of course my body did, but I am not just a body! My heart ached the whole time, don’t you understand? I did what I had to, to make myself numb and in the end, it worked only too well. But you changed that, you made me into a person again. I am who I am now because you made me realize that the world isn’t completely devoid of hope.”

She says nothing, her beautiful brown eyes fixed on me and full of pain, but the desire to understand.

“I love you,” I whisper, a tear falling down my cheek.

“I love you too,” she whispers back, stepping close to me. I can feel her arms slip around my waist and I hold her close to me, my tears falling into her hair. She kisses me softly and withdraws into herself, replacing the wig on her head, her hands clasp softly at her breast. Tears, no longer black with makeup, fall down her cheeks and onto the collar of her dress. “I love you so much, Satoru.” The tears are coming swiftly now and I shake with controlled, silent sobs. She is condemning me. “I love you, but I can’t love you right now.”

I can’t even watch as she crosses the room and drifts out the door, the latch clicking softly behind her.

**********

“You look great, go do your thing!”

Waving in thanks, I walk onto the stage, and take my place in the center. My heart feels still broken. I close my eyes and bathe in the adoration of my fans before the lights glow around me, heating the stage. I look upon my fans and see a mass of people. There are no individuals. I raise the microphone to my lips and begin singing the only song that matters.