Lacrimo Crystallinus

I hope it’s something worth the waiting
‘cause it’s the only time I ever feel real
Thunderstorms could never stop me
‘cause there’s no one in the world like Emily…

Without waiting for the rest of the agonizing song, I turn the radio off and drive in silence. Rain pours on the windshield loudly, rhythmically. I can barely feel the leather steering wheel beneath my fingertips as I turn into Melody’s driveway. I sit in the car for a time, shaking and trying not to think about what happened with Satoru only a month ago. My dress is drenched with rain although some of the wetness on the collar is from tears. I wipe a hand across my face and smear my makeup in a halfhearted attempt to remove it. After tossing my wet gloves on the seat next to me, I step out into the rain and stand there a moment, feeling it pound on my shoulders and face.

After a few moments, I step onto her porch, protected from the rain by an awning. I knock on the door and she answers it, obviously surprised to see me wearing a Lolita dress in the rain. Noticing my expression, she opens the door and offers for me to come inside. I step into the house and slip out of the dress, wearing a tank top and jeans underneath, and sit on the stairs leading up to the second floor of the house. She offers me a towel and I wrap it around my shoulders to keep my hair from dripping on the carpet. For a long time, neither of us says a word.

“It’s just me,” she offers, looking into my eyes with concern. “My grandma is out for the night with some friends.”

“I’m sorry, Melody, I just didn’t know where else to go. I’ve gotten past the initial shock and now I’m feeling everything. I can’t go home like this…”

“I’m glad you decided to come here. What’s going on?”

“So much,” I reply, trying not to be overly dramatic about it, but feeling only pain in my heart. “So much happened in such a short time. It feels like only yesterday, but I looked at the calendar today and it’s already been a month. I haven’t thought of him before, but I think I can now. I am strong enough to do it, now … only barely...”

“Did he do something to you? Is that why you’ve been depressed?”

“I’m not depressed,” I say, knowing it to be false. I try too hard to hold her gaze and she simply offers a guarded look. “I’m just sad.”

Melody is not convinced, but she does not challenge me. “What happened? Was it Gackt?”

“When I called him about two months ago, someone else answered his phone… a woman. Today, I saw him at the convention. He’s the mystery guest. I didn’t want to talk to him, but he basically begged me to and I supposed it was time to get some answers. He told me, and he told me about the woman who answered the phone when I’d called… Oh, Melody!” I sob, burying my face in my hands.

“Bao!” she says in surprise, coming to wrap her arms around me. She rocks me back and forth in an attempt to soothe me, but I feel inconsolable. I can hardly feel her arms around my shoulders. My face refuses to come out from under my dripping curtain of hair.

“Melody, her name was Katherine. They had had an affair when his divorce papers were being finalized. He never told his wife about it. And he continued to see Katherine while he dated other people. I—I couldn’t be with him. It’s—It’s horrible what he did!” I look at Melody, my eyes blurred with tears. “I don’t want to—I don’t want to think that he might have… done that to me…”

“If he told you about it, he felt guilty for doing it. Maybe he did it early on, but he obviously regrets doing it now. Why else would he spill so much?”

I swallow another sob, but the pain does not subside.

Her blue eyes smolder as she says, “What else?”

“He really loves me, Melody. I know it when I look at him. That kind of thing is impossible to fake… but still… I can’t… I can’t be with someone who did something so despicable. And it’s worse that he made me love him knowing that it would hurt me… Oh, Melody… why did he bother with me?”

Melody sits pensively for a moment, in silence. After a long moment, she offers, “I think he loves you too. From what you say, it’s unmistakable. But it’s possible that he didn’t think he would love you, and was cheating before that because he didn’t expect things to get serious. I’m telling you, he would never confess what he did if he didn’t feel bad about doing it. He really does like you.”

“Yeah, but… that doesn’t change what happened. It hurts me every moment that I think about what he did. It makes me feel like my feelings didn’t matter at all to him…”

“Maybe you just need some time away from him. That way, you can get things sorted out in your heart and he can in his. You just need to take a breath and step back. Look at everything, not just what he did wrong. Look at what he did right. Do they at least equal out? I think that’s what you should do, Bao.”

“It’s hard to know what he did right, Melody. Compared to the time we spent alone, we didn’t spend much time together. There periods that he could have spent doing bad things, and lying to me about them later. I hate to distrust him… I hate to question him… but it’s hard not to.”

“I know it is, but you need to think logically right now. Questioning him might seem harsh, but in the end, you’re doing it to protect yourself. It’s not out of hate for him. If he really loves you, he would understand that.”

Suddenly, my cell phone rings. It’s a number I don’t recognize. Looking at Melody, I answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Bao?” a woman’s voice asks in Japanese.

“Yes. Who are you?”

“You don’t know me, but please call me Momo. My—friend Satoru has been acting strangely. I was wondering if something happened between the two of you?”

My hands begin to shake so badly that the charms on the phone click against it. Melody nods solemnly and leaves the room to give me privacy. “H—How would you know about that?”

“We’re very close. He talks of you to me often enough for me to piece together some information. I’m not talking to you to intimidate you—I just want to know what happened.”

“Why… didn’t he tell you already?”

“You don’t know, do you?” Momo says sadly. “Satoru refuses to speak to anyone now. The only time I know of him using his voice is for singing. He’s been on a rigorous tour lately, but he’s coming home in a few weeks or so. Takanori told me just a few days ago that he’s been getting weak and sickly. The doctors say it’s due to stress or trauma. I thought maybe you’d know something about it.”

The information makes me physically weak. My heart aches. “I—I didn’t know…”

“I didn’t think you would, living all the way in Denver as you do. But please, I’ve given you information… so please tell me.”

“It’s dramatic, sad, and long,” I warn her gently. “Do you still want to hear it?”

“I have time.”

I tell her. The tears creep into my voice now and then, causing my voice to break sometimes. Momo seems patient and kind throughout the moments in which my heart skips and falters. When I’ve finished, she assures me that everything will be fine.

“Listen to me, Bao. I know that you’re seventeen until December. I know that Satoru loves you and I can assume that you love him back. I’m going to tell you a few things that I’ve withheld from you, but first, are you by a computer?”

Melody nods as I ask her silently if I can use her computer. I sit in the chair. “Yes.” Momo gives me a URL address to visit. It’s a live performance directly from the camera feed of Satoru’s show. I watch it silently, my heart thumping and hurting as I watch him sing with such passion and love. He sings as if it’s the only song that matters. His eyes flick toward the camera, staring directly at me as he pours his heart out in lyric form, as if knowing that I’d be watching from somewhere far away. Tears course down his face, but he does not look away. His eyelashes are damp and arrayed like spikes around his beautiful eyes. I choke on a sob, but it tears free anyway.

“Momo, why… why are you showing this to me?”

“Look at how he sings that song, Bao. Is that the way a person sings if they don’t care?”

I can’t speak, tears springing to life as I watch his flow so heartbreakingly beautiful down his face. If… if I were there, could I wipe them away?

“Now I’m going to tell you the truth, since you’ve been truthful with me. I’m Satoru’s sister.

“I won’t try to tell you that he hasn’t made poor choices with women… because he has. But he is that man no longer. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. If you don’t believe it, look around you. The signs are there if you are willing to see them. Whether or not you can accept him for it is entirely up to you, and I will not try to force you to do anything.

“You may be seventeen, but you’ve done things that no woman his age could do for him. I respect you for that. I have to leave you, but you can call me on this number whenever you want, Bao. Good night.”

I set the phone aside, thinking not of Momo, but of Satoru. I replay his song after it finishes every time. I watch his eyes shut and the tears squeeze free of his beautiful, dark eyelashes. I watch his mouth, both sweet and painful, move and form the words so perfectly. He may be different now… the idea melts the ice that I constructed around my heart.