Lacrimo Crystallinus

Opening my locker, I stuff my notebooks and textbooks into it and head for the exit. Melody meets me there, her eyes claiming that she has something to say. We walk to my car and for a moment, I feel anger from her. I casually ask what is wrong.

"I was watching some recent interviews of Gackt's and he says he has a new girlfriend. From here," she says, her tone appalled. "I wonder who it is? Whoever it is, is one lucky mofo!"

"Definitely," I agree, hoping that I came off normally. She continues with her rant about the subject, clearly too flustered to notice if I was acting weird. I smile at how she ran with it. "Melody, you're crazy when it comes to Gackt. When was the interview published, anyway?"

"2:03pm last Tuesday," she answers immediately.

"You do realize this just proves my point?"

"So? I'm just a really big fan, that's all."

"I guess, but aren't fans usually fans of other things, too? It's like this is your one thing. I really don't understand it…"

"It's so strange that you don't. You're Asian, right? You should totally be into this stuff!"

"Are you kidding?" I ask with a chuckle. "I love Visual Kei and J-pop and stuff, but I don't know anything beyond band names and song names, sometimes album names if I'm lucky. That's about it, Melody. Sorry to disappoint. Besides, I'm Chinese, not Japanese."

"But Gackt… Gackt is so delicious…"

"Yes, I… I suppose he is."

She continues about the pictures she's seen of his naked body (not pornographic, of course, but very near being so). I try not to think too much about the images she tries to plant in my head. She stresses his low percentage of body fat, moderate height, and the amount of martial arts that he actively practices and participates in.

"Can we please stop talking about Gackt?" I ask as gently as I can. She nods, serious.

"Sorry, I get a little carried away. I would love to be his girlfriend, but I doubt he would even think about something like that with me…" she says, looking at her glass of Coke.

"It's not that he wouldn't think about it… it's more that he worries that you're such a big fan that you are more attracted to what he is rather than who he is. It happens a lot with celebrities. It would be pretty hard to be someone famous, especially someone as famous as Gackt is."

"Yeah, I guess it would be pretty difficult, wouldn't it?" she says, flipping her phone open. I eat while she does something on the phone. She looks up at me and back at the phone, her face turning pale. "Bao…"

"What is it, Melody?" I ask, genuinely curious. "What's wrong?"

"It says here that Gackt has provided a short description and first name of his girlfriend," she says, her eyes holding a strange emotion. "''Bao-chan' is her name'," she reads. "'She is Chinese, five feet tall, and dresses in Lolita fashion. She is from Denver, Colorado.'" She rests the hand holding her cell phone on the table, her lips pursed.

I do not know what to say, so I don't say anything.

"Well, last time I saw the population statistics for Denver, only 7.03% of its inhabitants were of Chinese decent. I know for a fact that there are very few Lolitas in our city. That tells me that Gackt was speaking of you, Bao. You are friends with him, you really are dating him, or it's one really REALLY big coincidence. Why don't you tell me?"

"I really am dating Gackt," I say with a small voice.

"What was that?" she asks, either bitter or annoyed with me.

"I am dating Gakuto Camui," I repeat louder.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, hurt. "Did you not trust me?"

I sigh. "To be honest, it's not that I don't trust you. It's really not. I just thought it would be best if no one else knew about it. It will only ruin his image. Our… age difference, I mean."

"You're almost eighteen anyway, so that's not too big a deal."

"I just turned seventeen," I agree, playing with my straw. "I don't think we'll get that far, to be realistic, considering his dating record and all."

"I would tell you that he wouldn't do that to you, but that would probably be a lie," Melody says, a small frown on her face. "Anyway, why don't you tell me how you two go together? I'm really interested in hearing this!"

I sigh. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but Jess bought three tickets to Gackt's show and she took me to it. She ditched me to do whatever it is she does with her boyfriend so I had no way to get home. Gackt and I met by accident on the smoking balcony thing, and he offered to share a cab with me. On the way, I asked him if what had happened with his wife was true, and he admitted it, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it, so I dropped it. Then when I got home, I told him that he should not blame himself for what happened and he said that 'he didn't want history to repeat itself', but when I walked up to my door, he had followed me and committed himself to me."

Melody was silent for a time, obviously annoyed. "Ignoring the fact that I want to smack Jess, I'm happy you met him. Maybe it really will be different with you. I hope so."

"Don't. I'll just get my hopes up and be disappointed. To be honest, I don't know if I want it to work out."

"What do you mean?"

"If it does work out, even if he doesn't get in trouble, what will my parents say? I'm dating someone closer to their age than my own! He's going to be thirty eight when I'm eighteen. That's twenty years difference… isn't that wrong at all?"

"It's not that bad compared to some."

"'Some' meaning who? I can't think of anyone who's done that!"

"It really isn't that bad. Especially since you're so much more mature mentally and he looks and acts much younger. I doubt he's going to get old anytime soon."

"I'm not worried about being young when he's old. I'm worried about the social expectations of couples today. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud to be together with him, I'm just worried for his career security. If anyone finds out, we'll be in big trouble."

"Agreed."

"Please don't tell anyone, Melody," I say, continuing to mess with the straw.

"I won't, but you should be careful about letting him talk about you in public. If people found out it were you, you would be getting a lot of attention and it could get ugly."

I nod, finishing lunch in a somber silence. She breaks it, a smile gradually going to her features. It was difficult, but I could tell that she was genuinely curious.

"Did he kiss you?"

"No," I replied, a bit defensively. "I'm not the type to kiss on the first date."

"When will you see him again?"

I swirl the straw between ice cubes. "Next month sometime. He will be done with touring by then. He says he wants to apply for dual citizenship, but I told him that it's impossible with the strictness of national security." She nods. "I hope that he will at least stop by for a week to spend some time with me."

"I'm sure he will," she says with convincing contentment.

I look out the window, at the bright blue sky above and wonder if things really are as good as they seem. To be fair, I'm dating a demi-god of both pop and alternative culture, a well-rounded individual with too many talents; the man of many girls' dreams… but all I can think about is what I'm doing wrong.