Lacrimo Crystallinus

“You can open your eyes now.”

When I do, I let out a gasp. We are standing at the edge of the largest open park I’ve seen in Japan and it’s pretty large by Colorado standards, too. It is beautiful even though all the trees lining the trails through the park are barren of leaves, their branches like frozen water trails. A layer of perfect, undisturbed snow blankets the park, save for a designated section where a lot of people are gathered. Satoru watches my expression of awe, smiling.

“Wow, it’s so pretty… It must be even better in the spring.”

“It is. They are cherry trees, so they also smell good,” he says, taking my mittens in his gloved hands. “But that’s not all I wanted to show you. Come on.” Without waiting for my response, he leads me toward the throng gathered at the bottom of the gentle slope of the hill. Then I see it.

Ice and snow sculptures. Several of them. Some artists are still on ladders and lifts beside their masterpieces, busily carving away at the layers of ice with picks, chisels, and using controlled flame to smooth areas. Artists using snow have buckets of warm water with them to help pack the snow and several tools also. A lot of people are just watching like we are. I don’t recall seeing anything quite like this in Colorado except for the Santa sculpture in front of one of the local post offices every year.

Satoru leads me down toward them to get a better look at what they are. There are dragons, people, leopards, and birds; whole scenes cut into ice and indistinct figures. There are varying levels of skill from amateur to obvious pro. We watch them for a while despite that I can hardly feel my cheeks. After a while, I lean into Satoru’s arms and they curl around me, holding me to him. I can feel the warmth escaping from inside his coat.

“We’ll come back in a few hours when they’re close to being done,” he murmurs, leading me up the hill and toward a much taller one. Several children and even teens are starting to leave, sleds and snowboards tucked under their arms. He leads me toward the base of the hill, and releases my hand for a moment to poke around by one of the trees off the path. I consider following him, but decide not to. To my surprise, he begins sweeping snow away from the tree as if digging in it for something. I am even more shocked when he actually uncovers something—a sled. He returns to me with a slight smile on his face, almost an embarrassed one, and begins to lead me up the steep hill. When we reach the top, he sets the sled down and looks expectantly at me, grinning.

“You can’t be serious!” I exclaim, puffing my warm breath into my mittens to keep my fingers warm.

“It’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know, Satoru… This hill is really steep… and there are trees right there at the bottom!” I insist, pointing frightfully.

“We can steer around them.”

“But—“

He laughs and takes my hand, gently positioning me on the sled. He sits in front and looks back at me, winking. He doesn’t have to ask me to hold onto him; my arms are already wrapped firmly around his waist. He squeezes my hand, pushing off with his legs to begin our descent down the snowy hill. Before long, the wind is whipping my face, stinging like ice shards, and I have to close my eyes before they start to water. I lean into him, smelling his familiar cologne and fighting the urge to scream as we build speed. Eventually, I can hold it in no longer.

I let out a shriek of terror and joy as we go over an uneven spot, flying for a few feet until we slam onto the ground again. Satoru laughs as we reach top speed at the bottom and he leans to the side a bit. Just as I know for sure we’re going to hit a tree, we slow down to a crawl beside it, the hem of my jeans brushing the bark just barely.

I jump up immediately, brushing snow out of my coat and shaking my hair out, not bothering to mask my shaking legs or pale, horrified face. He stands up too, still smiling and not making any attempt to brush the snow out of his hair or coat. I brush it away with my mitten, having to stand on tiptoe to do so. He smiles, wrapping his arms around my waist. Although I’m still shaking with relief and terror, I let him kiss me.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” he asks, cheeks pink.

“It was horrible!” I assure him, slipping away and tossing some snow at him. He easily deflects it and tosses some at me. I run away toward the hill and he chases, wrapping both arms around me and spinning me through the air. Laughing loudly, I struggle and he lets me go. I fall into the snow giggling and he falls beside me, laughing too.

We lay in the snow, breathing heavily, our gloved hands curled together. Chest heaving, I look up at the pale blue sky and realize that I am happy. Somehow, it feels so right. This feels as if everything wrong with my life has suddenly ceased to be so. As if reading my thoughts, Satoru props himself up on his elbow, lips parted into a huge grin. I am also smiling, and I tackle him, throwing snow all over us. We laugh a little more and settle into a sitting position under the trees. He pulls me toward him and I rest my cheek on his warm chest, listening to his breath.

“What are you thinking of?” I ask after a long moment of companionable silence.

“The future,” he says, after a moment of pause.

“Oh,” I say, turning my face into his chest. “And have you come to any conclusions?”

“Not yet.” He pauses. “Don’t you ever think about where we could be later?”

“What do you mean?” I ask, looking up into his eyes. “Physically or emotionally?”

“Both, I guess,” he says, shrugging. “What would you do if you were pregnant? What would you do if I were fired? What if my job got between us? Those kinds of things.”

I pause, thinking about it for a minute. “I guess those things just don’t seem like problems to me,” I say finally, smiling a little. “I mean, we’ve gotten through a lot of things together, haven’t we? It’s not like there’s much more that could test my loyalty to you. I know you wouldn’t just leave me if I were really in trouble, and we’ve lived together and dated for quite a while—I think I’m used to your work.”

“That’s… not what I meant,” he murmurs, looking sullen. I scan his eyes for a moment, noticing guilt and strong reservations.

“What did you mean, then?” I ask softly, brushing some snow off his cheek with my gloved hand. “I’m sorry that I didn’t understand.”

“Bao, I’ve been keeping something from you…” He sighs, taking my hand nervously, delicately. “Katherine has talked about blackmailing me. She threatened to tell the press about our affair if I didn’t continue seeing her, and she demanded that I renew the contract with her.”

I feel my heart sink at the very mention of her name. “And… what will you do?”

“Please don’t look at me like that,” he whispers, eyes looking teary. “I can’t see her anymore. I know that for certain. But I don’t know what that kind of response I would get from my fans. Believe me when I say that you are important to me—you already know that you are—but my fans are the ones who made me successful. They mean a lot to me, too. And I don’t want your reputation to be ruined. I can’t even imagine what my parents, your parents, and other people would think if this got out.”

I nod solemnly.

“I want to make sure you have a comfortable future. I want to provide for you, and make you feel like a princess. I love you, Bao, and that’s why I am having such a hard time deciding what to do about this.” He pauses, looking at my expression with a degree of pain. “No matter what choice I make, you will be negatively affected by it.”

I look away.

“Bao, please look at me. Please… say something. I can’t take this again…”

“I won’t leave you over this, Satoru,” I say at last, after a long silence. “But I don’t know what to think about it, either. It does not make me happy, as you can imagine.”

“What would you do, in my position?”

“Hold a press conference and confess before Katherine can condemn you. If you want to keep touring, look for a new contract—I’m sure that there will be several open to you.”

“What about my fans? What about you?”

I look down, not pretending to be unfazed. “I don’t want to hear the horrible things that some people will say about you, but this is the right thing to do. It’s the honest thing to do.”

“It could ruin both our reputations and my career. Maybe even my relationship with my family. It will dishonor us all.”

“What is the greater dishonor, Satoru?” I ask, meeting his eyes. “Lying to keep up a good image, or confessing that your image isn’t perfect?”

“I… don’t know.” He sighs. “American social acceptance is different from Japanese. I’m not sure that’s the best approach, but… you’re right. I should take responsibility for what I did.” He smiles, but it’s a little forced. “Come on, Bao. Let’s head back.”

He helps me to a stand and we walk together for a while in silence. “Thank you,” he says softly, squeezing me briefly. I stand on my toes to kiss his lips.

“I love you,” I tell him, catching his gaze.

He smiles, leaning down to kiss me again. This time with a little more urgency. “I love you too,” he whispers as he pulls away.

**************************************************************

We lay together as if we have never known problems in our relationship. His arms curl around me as we both breathe heavily, bodies tingling. He smiles, tucking my hair behind my ears and kissing me again, softly and sweetly. I return his kiss, my hand sliding up his chest. He pulls me to him again, the innocent kiss becoming a little more passionate. I pull away from his lips, sighing and laying my cheek on his chest.

“I have something for you,” he says dreamily, contentedly, reaching over me for his coat, digging in its pockets for something. When he finds it, he cradles it in his hands, looking at me with intense brown eyes, his natural color. “Bao…”

Before he even asks, I know. Tears well up in my eyes as my heart skips a beat.

“Bao Zhao… will you marry me?”