Lacrimo Crystallinus

Sitting in Physics class, I glance at the clock again. It's almost time to dismiss for extra-curricular activities. I sigh, already feeling boredom weigh on me. The bell rings and we are dismissed, but I find myself lagging behind, the last to exit the classroom. I slowly gather the last of my books and rise out of my chair when my teacher, Mrs. Lïed, calls to me as I am about to shuffle out seven minutes after the bell had rung.

"Is something wrong, Bao?" she asks, with a tone of concern in her voice. "You don't appear to be quite yourself lately."

"I'm okay," I answer, pulling at the edges of paper left in my notebook's binding. "I'm just tired."

"Are you sure? There's nothing going on at home, is there?"

"Lots of things, but nothing bad," I tell her, smiling a little.

"I see… perhaps boy problems?"

I pause, my expression falling and I am left clutching at the empty place where it was. For such a typical question, it's too fitting. I turn away from her momentarily, putting my drawing pencils in my backpack for an excuse. "I… no… It's fine."

"You can come and tell me if something is wrong, Bao. I will listen to you without judgment," she reminds me, a gently chiding tone in her voice. I nod and thank her, quickly leaving the room. By now, the school feels nearly empty and I easily navigate the hallways to my locker, dropping my books off in it and heading outside.

Once out of the school, I walk to my car and begin to unlock the door when a hand touches the lock just as I do. I jump in surprise and whirl to find Gackt. He smiles and takes a step back. I hug him tightly, secretly savoring his toned muscles through his shirt. He hugs me back, his chin resting on the top of my head. All around me is the scent of his expensive perfume and I pull back before I can get brain damage from the fumes.

"Bao-chan," he says, kissing my forehead. I smile.

"Gakuto-sama. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you before I have to fly back to Nagoya," he says, removing his sunglasses. "I won't be gone for more than a month, but I will miss you the whole time."

"You're leaving?" I repeat pathetically. "I'll miss you too…"

"I know, Bao-chan, I don't exactly want to leave either, but until I can get a longer visa, I don't have any choice. I promise I'll be back next month. Does that satisfy you?"

I hug him again, this time more aggressively. His arms wrap around me with the same intensity and he kisses the top of my head. When at last I pull away, he withdraws something from under the leather jacket at his arm. Handing it to me, his face turns shy and he tries to hide a smile. It's a CD with a very detailed black and white image on the cover. It looks to be some sort of complex design with flower petals, vines, and butterflies. It's better than any artwork I'd seen in a long time.

"Is this… for me?" I ask, though the answer is obvious. He nods. "Thank you!"

"Please don't thank me," he says, smiling. "I don't plan to release these songs to the public, though. These are only for your ears." I nod. "Please be well in my absence. I will miss you until we can see each other again."

One hand holding mine, his other hand wanders to my waist and up to my face, cradling my cheek softly. His thoughts appear to be unfinished. However, he turns away just as a strange emotion settles on his features and begins parting from me. I watch him enter his car and drive away, and I begin to feel strange, so I get in my car and sit down, trying to decipher my own emotions.

Lying on my bed, I stare through the half-closed blinds at the glimmering moon above. It's partially disturbed by lack of light on one side, and looks like a perfect crescent in the night sky. The stars glitter sadly like remnants of the broken moon, scattered as far as I can see. My skin takes on a bluish tint in the moonlight, and I feel the same detachment as the stars. My hand brushes along the blanket beside me. As I have done since I began adolescence, I am completely naked in the moonlight, bathing in its solemn rays.

Beside me, my cell phone vibrates for the third time in the past hour, but I ignore it.

I close my eyes and think of everything that had lead up to this point. I press my thighs together tightly, my thoughts dwelling as they always did on the moon clinging to the blanket of brilliant stars. These things She had witnessed, these things She looked on with pity. Tears break free of my wide eyes and roll along my cheeks. I never want to believe it actually happened. It is a ritual, but I feel it as potently as I had the first time. Hot tears fall into my ears and trace my neck. I feel Zhi's hands running over my legs, up to my stomach, over my breasts… every part of me seems tainted by his touch and I lay still under the moon's jurisdiction. Cold as she was the very first night, cold as she was when he touched me, the moon watches my memories flood over me, her obscured eyes pitiless. His hands continue to touch and defile until my eyes ache from crying and my constricted throat burns as the shame in my heart.

His words echo in my head, his hate filling the hollow place inside my chest until it feels as though it would overflow. The emotions continue to condense themselves into it, and I feel as though I should explode from the pressure. I close my eyes, the continuous pain washing over me in waves. The moon looks on in shame, her pallid azure eyes quiet and cold, as his words resound in the hollow that he carved out with his pain. My shaky hand goes to my collarbone, an empty reminder that I'm still in the real world. My tears have soaked the pillow and I flip it around, lying back down onto it. Still naked, I pull a blanket over me and shiver in exhaustion. The vibrating sound of my phone elicits a small jump of fright out of me and I reach for it immediately.

The small blue screen says "Gackt" so I open it quickly.

"Y—yes?" I answer, hoping not to sound too husky.

"Bao-chan?" he asks, his voice worried. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes, I… I'm just a little… ill."

"You don't sound sick," he says gently, "you sound upset."

"Please, don't…"

"I won't," he promises. "Why haven't you been answering my texts? I've been worried about it."

"I'm sorry… I've been kind of spaced out for the past hour or so."

"Are you okay? Have you been hurt?"

"No, I'm— I'm just thinking."

"…About what?"

I am unable to speak.

"What is it, Bao?"

"I'm sorry, Gakuto… I can't…"

"Don't be sorry. Don't think about it anymore."

"It's harder to do," I admit hoarsely, "when you're away."

He pauses. "I wish I could be there for you. My sister has asked about you already, and I want badly to tell her, but...

"Anyway, we must wait only four days, Bao-chan," he reminds me, attempting lightness. "I'll drive you around in my Honda S-E-X."

I smile, unable to laugh. "I hope so, Gakuto-sama…"

"Shall we talk of something to get your mind off him?" he asks gently.

"Well there is something I was curious about…"

"What's that?"

"I was wondering about your religious beliefs… what exactly do you believe?" I ask.

"I am Agnostic. And what of you?"

"I am a Deist."

"Interesting," he says wistfully. "Why do you believe?"

"I think it's important for people to have faith. Believing in something gives people hope for their future, so that they feel that their actions in their lives have meaning… that they aren't wasted, you know? It also helps guide them on what is moral and immoral."

"I am impressed with the intensity of your answer, Bao-chan," he says, clearly surprised. "I think I could accept that answer myself."

"What do you think about it?"

"It's important to hope for the future, but I don't think religion is a necessary means to do that. I think people could still have hope and morality without faith in a deity. In fact, it would be healthier for them because they would be forced to analyze their actions more in depth and would no longer depend on the grace of a divine being."

"Oh," I manage, a little embarrassed at how easily he explains the lack of logic in my faith, at how our conflicting answers are polar opposite. His are entirely independent and logical while mine are almost solely emotional and hold no bearing on logic whatsoever. I say nothing more and a silence falls over us both for a short time.

"Do you feel any better?" he asks.

"A little. Don't worry about me… this is a… nightly ritual."

"I don't understand."

"I don't either," I admit. "But I'd rather not think any more about it."

"I'm sorry, I'll stop."

"I'm sorry, Gackt…. I wish I were stronger. I feel like I'm constantly closing myself away from people whenever they try to help me talk about it... I don't know if I need more time to think about this, or if I need to stop thinking about it, but I need to trust people. Like I told you to do…" He is silent. "Gackt?"

"I'm here," he responds after a moment. "I apologize, I just… don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything to it," I reply gently. "Sometimes, there's nothing to say. I understand that."

He murmurs something too low into the phone for me to hear, and I ask him to repeat it. "It's nothing," he assures me. "I need to go soon. Will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine," I promise, a pathetic tone in my voice.

"Please do. When we see one another next, I hope to make you feel at least a little better about this situation. Perhaps I can help somehow."

"I hope so too… I'll talk to you later, Gakuto-sama. Good night."

"Good night, Bao-chan."

Setting down the phone, I roll over and glance at the moon for a time, wondering if I will ever escape her icy stare. There is something that I didn't see before, though, on the surface of the moon. A small, pale splotch amidst a vast expanse of deep gray on her surface. I smile to myself and drift slowly into a deep sleep.