Lacrimo Crystallinus

“But sometimes that nothing says much more than something would have,” I whisper into the receiver absentmindedly. As soon as the words escape my lips, I want with everything in me to draw them back, and I hope she does not hear.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, sorry,” I reply quickly. “I have to go soon, though… will you be okay?”

Bao hesitates. “I’ll be fine,” she says, but her voice is broken and hollow, and I can tell she’s been crying. My chest tingles at the thought of tears in her eyes, but does not ache, and I find myself feeling shame that it doesn’t.

“Please do. When we see each other next, I hope to make you feel at least a little better about this situation. Perhaps I can help somehow.”

“I hope so, too… I’ll talk to you later, Gakuto-sama. Good night.”

“Good night, Bao-chan.”

I flip the phone closed and stare at it a moment, overcome with both respect and surprise at how she can make my emotions surface as they haven’t in so long. Bao—what and amazing girl… As I think of her face, the lyrics of one of my many songs come to mind, one that I had never thought to connect with anyone but Carrie Ann. “Even if I repeat the sin that won’t be forgiven… and descend to Hell, my body burning… it’s okay if you’re there giving me a smile.” The words continue to flow in my head, as if running over some kind of dam that held them back for years. “If I am reborn, I want to be reborn as a flower, nestled close to you…”

Carrie Ann… I thought I’d left her behind those years ago, when I “misplaced” the ring she’d returned to me. I know now that the past doesn’t just disappear at will, when we put away the material memories. It even intensified my longing for what we’d had. I can’t say I’d truly sought out that affection I never was returned with Carrie Ann, but… I’d like to forget that blind part of my life, when I used women’s bodies to drain my sorrows into. I close my eyes and rest my head in my hands, suddenly feeling a little weak with all the thoughts.

My older sister steps into my room, the door swinging open only enough so that when I turn, not quite in surprise, but in slightly embarrassed amusement, I can see her face harboring a strange expression as she peeks through the door. “What are you doing?”

I shrug. “Thinking.”

“I haven’t heard you sing like that in a while, at least not when you’re at home. What’s on your mind, Sato-kun?” Her eyes are worried, burning on my face. I wave a hand to dismiss her anxiety.

“Nothing, nothing, I’m really just thinking.”

“Little bro, you know you can’t lie to me,” she says gently, smiling. “Come on, what is it? You did something naughty, didn’t you? Don’t deny it!”

“I didn’t!” I protest, only slightly amused by the fact that she thinks I did something dirty. “I’m just thinking about my girlfriend, that’s all.”

“Oh! I didn’t think you actually took dating seriously, Sato-kun. I’m a little surprised. Who is she that you’re taking her so seriously? Oh, she must be pretty impressive to keep your attention, little brother,” she added with a wink, stepping inside so we can talk properly.

“Well, ah… she is different than my past girlfriends.”

She steps closer, sitting cross-legged on my bed. Her eyes flash with interest at our conversation, and she rocks on her haunches, as she did when we were children. “How so? Where and how did you meet her?”

“The story isn’t that remarkable, you’ve heard it a thousand times before.”

“Why are you thinking about her so much, then?”

Uncertain, I hesitate before admitting defeat. “I don’t know.” The words sit on my lips after I’ve said them, thickly, like after eating a sucker. It feels inadequate.

“You don’t know,” she repeats, quirking her lips with amusement. “Looks like you’ve got a problem, Sato-kun. I think you may actually like her.”

“What? No…”

“You don’t want to like her, but you do. Think about it.” Her eyes fix on mine intelligently, and I suddenly realize that she’s known about this commitment problem I’ve had since the start. My shame returns, and I feel as though I can’t look her in the face anymore. “I want to meet her. If she’s as great as you say, maybe she can… fix you.”

I look up from my hands to her face in surprise. “Fix me?”

“It’s what you need,” she says softly, sadly, as she slips out of the room and leaves me to think.