Best Kept Secret

I had been awake for hours, the still form beside me captivating my every thought. This wasn’t the first time we had done this, far from it. But every time I lie awake as dawn approaches, dreading the moment his body stirs and we are forced back into reality.

No one knew of the nights we spent together. No one knew we even knew each other. We weren’t in the same circles. Complete opposites actually. When morning came, we would resume our separate lives.

He would return to his life as the star athlete, class-clown, and all around lovable guy. Me? I would once again be invisible. I only had two close friends. Actually, they were my only friends. I didn’t participate in any extra-curricular activities. I didn’t socialize with just anyone. I kept to myself. I liked my world. But something was missing, something that was only found at night.

While lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t noticed the knock at my door until my mother’s voice accompanied it. “Blake? You up? Emma and Casey are here,” my mother called through the dark paneled wood.

I guess my night was officially over. I called out to my mother, confirming that I was indeed up, before attempting to wake Mr. Sleeping Beauty.

“Grady. Wake up.” I shook him gently, receiving a groan before he opened his eyes, squinting into the dim-lit room.

“Blake? What time is it?” I looked to the clock on my nightstand; it was seven eighteen a.m. We had school at eight.

Grady hurriedly rose from the bed, pulling on his boxers while he searched for his remaining clothes. I did the same, pulling on a clean pair of torn jeans. As I was searching my dresser for a top, a pair of arms snaked around my waist and I could feel his breath on my skin as he spoke quietly into my ear, “Good morning Bee.” He then placed a kiss on my shoulder before disappearing through my window.

Luckily my bedroom was on the first floor and my window faced the trees in my backyard, making Grady’s morning getaways simple. I groaned, knowing my fantasy was over, at least until that night, when he would again crawl through my never-locked window.

I ran my fingers through my red-dyed hair and rimmed my eyes in liner before grabbing my book bag off the floor and exiting my room. Just as my mom had informed me, my two best friends sat lounging in my living room, watching cartoons with my five-year-old brother.

The day went by as normal. The three of us were joking around and making plans to go to the bowling alley after school. I wasn’t paying much attention to the conversations made that morning, only nodding and agreeing when I felt it was appropriate. My mind had drifted back to him, as it so often did.

Casey snapped me out of my thoughts with a flick to the side of my head. “Are you okay Blake?” she asked. “You’ve been zoning out all day.” I just shrugged.

Although the two girls sitting in front of me at the table in the local bowling alley were my closest friends, and we told each other everything, there was one topic they knew nothing about.

Grady Benson.

To them he was the stuck up popular jock who used to be Emma’s best friend in middle school. To me he was the boy I lost my virginity to freshman year, unbeknownst to anyone. He was the boy who always told me I was beautiful. He was the boy I had unwillingly given my heart to.

I knew he probably didn’t feel the same way, but I hoped I meant something more to him than a warm body in a welcoming bed. He did keep coming back, didn’t he? We didn’t always sleep together; sometimes he would crawl into my bed and just cuddle up to me. We didn’t spend a night away from each other. Or should I say he never spent a night away from my bed.

But every morning when he slipped out of my window, unnoticed by anyone but me, my heart broke just a fraction. And then, again it would crack every time we passed each other in the hall without even a glance.

Knowing I wasn’t going to confide in them about my drifting thoughts, my friends dropped the subject as we moved onto ski ball. And I tried to keep my mind from wandering.

And I did. I forgot all about the boy who only lived in my world when we shared a bed, my bed. Instead I paid no attention to those around me, other than Emma and Casey, as we bowled, talked, and played ski ball for hours.

But my mind didn’t remain blank for long. When I opened the door to my room after Emma had dropped me off, the all-too-familiar boy sat against the headboard of my bed. At the squeak of the door hinges, of which Grady had memorized the sound of, as to not be caught in my bed, his eyes snapped to mine, a smile breaking across the baby-face I knew so well. I climbed into bed, as I often did, next to the boy of my dreams, and my cares drifted away; if only for that moment.

That night was a first. I had actually allowed myself to fall asleep in his warm embrace. For once not watching his still body as the sun rose. Another first, I awoke alone.

As I rolled over hoping to find him sitting in the desk chair or pulling on his clothes on the other side of the bed, both of which were false hopes, I heard crumpling beneath me. Confused, I searched the bed, finding a folded up piece of notebook paper.

I slowly unfolded the well-worn piece and instantly recognized the two distinct scrolls. One was my own. The other was his. The first half of the page was filled with a few lines that I had written not too long ago in my journal. The page read:

Secrets.
We all have them. But who knew keeping this one would be so hard?
We’ve done a good job. No one suspects a thing. So why do I feel like I have failed?
He’s my best-kept secret. Could he also be my biggest mistake?

I still believed those words. My mind rang with unanswered questions and un-calmed worries about my one and only secret. It was the words written in a slightly messier script below mine that surprised me. It was those words that now haunt my every thought. Those words brought countless tears to my eyes. Those words confirmed every fear I had ever had; they broke me.

Keep quiet.
Nothing comes as easy as you.

I’ll always be your best-kept secret.
-GB