Questions

Question 14

The following days Jordan seems distinct, at least to me. He acts normal around Grant and Cameron. Around me though, he's watching himself. I can tell. He chooses his words carefully and contemplates how to answer me.

And if there's any other indication that he's becoming distinct, he's staying with his parents at a hotel. Not with me. Not spooning each other to sleep. He's at a hotel. Over twenty miles away, when he could be right next to me. It doesn't make sense.

The next morning I see him at my shared apartment, I'm running on five cups of coffee and a nicotine craving. A craving I've been fighting for over four hours. I can't stop tapping my fingers on my mug and I know it's driving Cam bonkers.

"Chris, please." Grant sighs exhaustedly, "Jordan comes at the same time everyday. It’s still early."

"I know." I reply, biting my lip and moving my tapping fingers to my lap. It's now silent, but seems to ring louder in my mind.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to smoke. I need to quit though. I can almost hear my pack calling to me. I let out a breath of air I wasn't aware I was holding in, and get up. I stretch my stressed muscles, tendons popping back into place.

Cameron raises an eyebrow at me, silently asking what I'm doing. I don't give a response, deciding it will be blatantly obvious that I'm going for a walk. I slide on a hoodie and exit the apartment.

I'm hoping that the walk with take my mind off smoking. It irritates me that I've become this dependent. I feel like I'm back in high school and I have to smoke every ten minutes, going through three packs a day.

The cold wind eats at my sides, as gust after gust hits me. I silently curse at my self for thinking of walking. I could have just taken a car and drove around.

I decide that my walk won't take me into the city. I didn't need further tempting to smoke or buy any cigarettes. I follow along a road that takes me past an elementary school. There wouldn't be anything silently nagging me to smoke. Not here at least. The school ground is deserted, even though it's a weekend. No ones playing in the snow or on the black top. Snow clings to my jeans as I make my way to the swing set. I drop to the seat and push my self back and forth. The swing chain twists up as I turn.

I stare into space as I pump my legs back and forth swinging high and higher. It takes my mind off smoking and I'm relieved.

Quitting had become so important this week. After seeing the look of disappointment on his face, I couldn't continue, knowing it was hurting him. I know it's eating him up on the inside, but I'm not sure why.

My phone vibrates in my pocket but I ignore it, swinging higher. It vibrates three times more, but the cold has seeped into my skin. I don't feel the vibrating as a few more texts come in. Only when I receive a call and the obnoxious ring blares out, do I jump off the swing and answer my phone.

"Hello?" I answer, staring blankly at the clouds, feeling the craving already crawling back.

"Chris, are you okay?"

Jordan. Instantly, I perk up.

"'Course, why love?"

"You're not here. Where are you, hon?" My cheeks glow red. This was the first he'd ever used a pet name on me. It was odd, but completely adorable.

"This school I'll be there in a second, 'kay babycakes?"

Jordan snorts but I know he's redder then was just a moment ago. "You're such a dork. See you soon."

"Jordan?"

"Yeah?"

I ask shyly "can you put on another pot of coffee?"

I can almost see him rolling his eyes, "will do. See you soon"

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too, ya mush." he quirks, hanging up.

-

"More coffee, Chris? Geez, that's like your tenth cup." Grant points out.

"I think you'd want me to drink coffee over smoking." I respond smartly.

Grant puts up his hands defensively, "I'm not complaining, just wanted you to be aware of how much you’re drinking."

Jordan nudges his face in my shirt. His legs are tangles in mine and I know if either of us need to get up it will be a two person job. Jordan mumbles something along the lines of 'you smell nice’ into my shirt.

I run my hand through his hair. "I showered today. I know big surprise."

I can feel him smiling into my shirt. He pulls back and looks up to me, “No, I mean nice as in ‘laundry detergent and smoke free.’ I like it.”

“I know,” I murmur, kissing the top of his head.

-

“See you tomorrow, love.” Jordan whispers, on his tiptoes kissing me.

“You too, dear.” I grab his hand as he goes to turn around. “Babe, do me a favour.”

He nods at me, waiting for me to go on.

“Take these, I don’t want them anymore.”

His grin can’t be bigger and he stuffs my pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

“So proud of you.” He grins at me, kissing one more time, “so proud.”