Wasting My Time Dreaming

Sydney

I couldn't help it. I really couldn't.

I crawled into Rian's bed, tears streaming down my face. His cool blue sheets were like satin against my clammy skin, having just puked out my stomach's contents from all day, and I was so scared, so very scared. And Rian's bed was the only place where I felt safe. But I only felt truly, one hundred percent safe in Rian's arms. But he wasn't here. So I couldn't change that. So instead, I curled up in Rian's blue sheets, his sparsely decorated bedroom glowing in the twilight. I curled up tighter, tears still streaming down my cheeks at a quicker pace.

The lyrics to Paramore's “Sunday, Bloody Sunday” filled my head, making my head hurt inside, and my heart fall to pieces.

“I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long, how long?
Tonight, we can be as one tonight

Broken bottles under children's feet
And bodies strewn across the dead end street
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up
Puts my back up against the wall

Sunday, bloody Sunday
Sunday, bloody Sunday
Sunday, bloody Sunday
Sunday, bloody Sunday

And the battle's just begun
There's many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart.”

I smiled, despite the sadness that just filled my brain. Because Rian was still alive, I was sure of it. I had nothing to worry about. He was in my heart, and of that I was determined. I curled up tighter in his sheets, still smelling of him.

I had always thought Rian smelled like a mixture of Axe, sweat and drums. Rian's drums had a unique smell, like a mixture of drum heads and metal, with a little bit of happiness thrown in there. I can't really describe it, but his drums had a smell that always made me smile.

For a moment, I felt a desire to get down on my knees and pray, to whom, I wasn't sure.

“Dear God, I know I don't do this as often as I should, but … please bring my boys home safe, okay? I can't stand to lose them, and you know that I would die without them. And I know you split up me and Rian for a reason, so we would see how much we needed each other. Thank you, God, because you reminded me how much I was taking him for granted. And also, thank you for sending me those boys when I knew I would die if I want back to Gerry. But I have to ask. Why did you let him rape me, and hurt me? Why couldn't you have let my birth parents live?” Then it dawned on me. “Without Gerry's love for gambling, I never would have met the boys, right? And then I would have died by now?” I smiled. “Thank you, God. Amen.”

I got up from my knees, unclasping my hands and curling back up in Rian's sheets, the words I had just spoken still vibrating on my lips. It was true. My birth parents had died on the trip over to America from England, a tragic car crash. They somehow saved me, a premature baby stuck in my mom's stomach. I was adopted by Gerry and Lisa, who carefully watched over me until I was 12, when they got drunk in front of me, and Gerry raped me and beat me for the first time. In the years that followed, it was unusual if I wasn't bruised. Thankfully, Gerry had an obsession with Vegas, and he took us there for a vacation. And that's where I met Rian.

In the alleyway behind the dingy club, a random act of kindness from a stranger. I smiled at the memory, understanding that me and Rian wouldn't be such good friends if I hadn't been suffering. I smiled wider, tucking Rian's sheets under my body, his pillow warm under my fiery red hair. I tangled my fingers in the cover on his pillow, breathing in the smell of Rian.

“We both lose control,” I whispered, thinking about what we had done to each other. I have to admit, I like their old stuff a lot. “Noel” was my favorite off of “The Party Scene”. I continued singing, this time “Circles”. “Q next to u, scribbled out on paper,” I sang quietly, tears falling down my face now, before I shut my eyes as tight as I could, as if trying to squeeze all the moisture out of my eyes. I sniffled, and yawned, keeping my eyes closed.

Tomorrow, my boys would be home.

Tomorrow, my heart would be complete.

Tomorrow, I'd see Rian.

And on that happy note, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.