Jealous Minds Think Alike

Jealousy was an evil bitch. She lurked around dark corners and showed up out of nowhere, with no warning. She didn’t feel the need to have a reason for showing up either, or if she claimed to have a reason, it was stupid and petty and ridiculous, and she left you feeling like an idiot.

Or maybe that was just me.

I personally didn’t think I was a jealous person. I mean sure, I would get a little peeved if some skanky ass girl was hanging all over my boyfriend, pawing at him like I wasn’t standing ten feet away. I mean, maybe I had a tendency to yell at Garrett when he would let skanky-ass girls paw all over him when I was standing right there.

But I wasn’t overly jealous or anything.

So I guess when Garrett and I ended things—or rather, when Garrett ended things with me, it was a little surprising. And it hurt. A lot. It was unexpected for the most part. One day, we’re laughing and kissing and mentally preparing ourselves for the day coming up when he would be leaving for the tour they were going on, and the next he’s knocking on my door to tell me it was over, that he didn’t love me anymore.

I had only known Garrett for a few years, having met when we were both seniors in high school. I was a rather angry teenager, because my mom uprooted my whole life to take me to Arizona, as if I didn’t have friends and other people I cared about in Connecticut. None of that mattered, because she was getting a divorce from my father and only cared about getting out of our town, far away. So when we moved to Arizona, I was bitter. I liked to rebel.

So when I met Garrett, I guess to put it simply, I was a bitch. I was always scowling, and I liked to wear a lot of black and dark colors just to piss my mom off. He noticed one day in English class after sitting in front of me for a whole semester, and so he turned around one day before the bell rang and asked point blank. “What’s with all the black and the constant scowl on your face?”

My jaw dropped. “Ex-cuse me?” I spat, not feeling in the mood to be interrogated by this boy with the copper hair that he so obviously straightened.

He smirked at my attitude, which made me want to punch him. “Your attire just seems a little dark, and I’m wondering why. Most people don’t just dress like this and act like a total bitch for no reason.”

I huffed, but before I had time to answer, the bell rang and our teacher walked in, prepared to have a rousing discussion about A Farewell To Arms, which I had read the previous year in Connecticut and I wasn’t really interested in reading it again.

After class, when I was stomping my way down the hall in my black converse, black skinny jeans, and black v-neck (I really wasn’t kidding when I said I wore a lot of black), I heard someone calling my name. The hall was crowded though, and as surprising as it is, Ashley is a common name in Arizona. So I figured it could have been a call for someone else.

But then the name calling got closer, and before I knew it Garrett was grabbing my arm to catch up with me. “You know, when someone is yelling out your name, the normal thing to do is to stop and wait for them,” he scowled at me as we continued to make our way through the hallway to our next class.

I shrugged, holding my books closer to my chest. “You could have been talking to anyone first of all, and second maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” I scowled right back.

He shook his head, his copper hair falling in his face. “Your bitch act doesn’t fool me. There’s a normal girl inside there somewhere, just dying to get out and oh, I don’t know. Maybe socialize?” he said sarcastically, making my urge to want to junk punch him that much bigger.

“You know, you don’t have to be a douchebag. That certainly isn’t the way to get in my pants,” I hissed at him, rolling my eyes and speeding down the hallway to get rid of him. At that point in time, I was not interested in Garrett Nickelsen or anything to do with Garrett Nickelsen.

I should have known right then and there that he was going to make me fall in love with him, though. I should have known he was going to break my heart, too, but I didn’t. Garrett Nickelsen was a constant mystery to me, his mood changing faster than mine, always keeping me on my toes.

***

As the days faded into weeks, and the weeks faded into months that passed by faster than they should have, I soon found myself hanging out with Garrett more and more. At first, it was awkward and full of us arguing about stupid things. But, as he promised me he would, he knocked down my bitch exterior, and then before I knew it our hanging out turned into making out which soon faded into dating, which then eventually landed us two spots as boyfriend and girlfriend.

No one expected it at first, because we were constantly fighting and making fun of each other. But then when they saw past our façade, it soon became a bet for not if but when we would date.

When we did start dating though, nothing really changed. We sort of reverted back to our old selves; we fought and argued about stupid shit, and we were almost always mad at each other. We weren’t perfect, but no one is, so we accepted what our relationship was for what it was and that was it.

Accept it wasn’t it.

As I said, I was a jealous bitch. As time went on, and as the band started to get bigger, girls started to get more abundant. Groupies hung around more and more with each passing show. I handled it for a little while, and so did Garrett. He politely told the girls to fuck off, and that was that.

I guess in reality the problem wasn’t just my raging jealousy, but more how much I expected out of him. I just expected him to pry himself away from the after parties just because there were girls there, or to not talk to other girls because I was out visiting him on tour and I wanted to have him all to myself.

Things started to get rocky, I just never expected him to get fed up with me. Although, looking back, I guess I’m not really surprised. I was not only a jealous bitch, but I was annoying as hell. I needed to grow up before I could be with anyone as much as I wanted to be with Garrett. It took him breaking my heart to realize this, unfortunately. And then, it took him showing up so unexpectedly and out of the blue again to realize that I really was still in love with him.

***

After high school, after my break up with Garrett at the end of my freshman year of college, I realized I needed to grow up. I dropped the bitter bitch act, and I quit dressing like I was fresh out of a Goth institute. I resumed my normal life, and while I could still be a bitch (because let’s face it, that was in my DNA) I was happier. Or at least, I tried to be happier.

I forgot about Garrett as much as I possibly could. I got rid of anything pertaining to him in my life and tried to be normal. Of course, with the rising success of the band, that was hard. Living in their home state and going to college in their hometown made it even harder because everywhere I looked, there was an ad for them or a show of theirs or their songs were being played on the radio.

I couldn’t fucking escape them.

But I tried. I moved on as much as possible. I dated some guys, but nothing ever got serious. I tried hard at college and I bought myself an apartment. I was finally living my life to the fullest, and I was happy. For the most part.

So was I surprised when he showed up on my doorstep? Was I in shock when he smiled at me as I opened my door at midnight that night, after having gone without seeing him for over a year?

You bet your ass I was.

After having just finished my final midterm for my Psychology class and a few other classes earlier that day, I was relaxing in my apartment with a bottle of vodka and some pizza. It wasn’t the classiest combo, and it wasn’t like me really, but I was exhausted—mentally and physically—and I just needed to unwind.

It was storming. The lightning outside was so unusual, but the rain pounding on my window was so comforting. If he hadn’t knocked, I probably would have fallen asleep; that is, if he hadn’t kept knocking, I would have fallen asleep.

But the knocking was incessant and it wouldn’t let me fall asleep peacefully, so I cursed under my breath and stumbled off the couch to the front door.

Peering through the peephole just about stopped my heart. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, and the last time we did talk it was so he could break up with me. Now, he was on my front step, smirking at the door as if he knew I was staring right back at him?

I didn’t ask anymore questions. I ripped the front door open, my jaw dropped in shock as I stared at him. “What the hell are you doing here?” I spat at him. I may have been happier in the past year, but he still made my blood boil; he still broke me heart.

“Hi Ashley,” he smiled goofily at me while he raked a hand through his messy hair. He shook it to the side before saying, “How’ve ya been?”

I scoffed and shook my head. “You’re fucking kidding right?” When I looked at him, he seemed confused, which just enraged me more. “What the fuck are you doing here, Garrett?” I yelled. I didn’t realize how angry I was until I listened to the sound of my own yelling.

Obviously, I had forgotten I lived in an apartment building. The door across from my own ripped open while the old lady who lived there scowled at me. She didn’t even have to say anything for me to know that she was going to start yelling if I didn’t get Garrett inside and have it out with him in there.

I grabbed his arm while he stumbled inside, slamming the door behind him. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I hissed again, my voice considerably quieter this time.

“I was in town,” he smiled. I just rolled my eyes. Obviously he was in town. We lived in the same fucking town. Did he think he was being cute?

“Cut the crap, Gary. What are you doing here?” I asked again, my voice taking on a tired tone as I brushed by him to go sit on the couch. My head was feeling heavy and I was getting a headache and I just wanted to sleep forever, not have it out with my ex in my living room.

“Look, I got ridiculously drunk and I can’t drive home and I was out alone so I need a place to crash because some prick stole my wallet and I lost my phone and I’ve had a really shitty night and I just need a friendly face.” He collapsed next to me, but I didn’t say anything.

“How did you know I lived here?”

He shrugged. “Pat gave me the address when you moved, figured I’d want it or something.”

I should have known. Pat had a huge mouth. He was worse than a girl.

I continued to stay silent as I got up and walked to the closet in the hall, where I kept all the spare blankets and sheets and towels. I grabbed a couple blankets and brought them out to him, where his head was resting on the back of the couch. I threw the blankets at him with a grunt before mumbling, “Don’t throw up on anything,” and turning on my heel to go to my own bed at the end of the hall.

Garrett Nickelsen may have broken my heart a year ago, but I still loved him. I didn’t stop loving him, because truthfully, I felt like Garrett was the only one who understood me and got my crazy bitch act but still loved and accepted me for it. I felt okay again when Garrett was there. When he wasn’t, I just felt like nothing was alright, and that was a horrible life to live.

No matter how many fake smiles I pasted on my face, without Garrett around, I felt completely screwed up and like nothing was okay anymore. That was the worst part about it; I needed Garrett more than he would ever realize.

***

The bitter smell of coffee brewing in my kitchen woke me up.

I wasn’t a regular coffee drinker, but waking up to the pounding headache I had from drinking too much vodka the night before was obviously only going to be fixed after I had a steaming cup of strong coffee. And fast.

I crawled out of bed, still in my short shorts from sleeping and the tank top I had thrown the previous night, and padded out to the kitchen where Garrett was standing at the counter making coffee. The site shouldn’t have surprised me, considering I was the one who let him sleep on my couch the night before, but it did. It shocked me, and it made me stop in my tracks.

He must have sensed me, because when I stopped, he turned to face me, still smiling. It was amazing how much I’d seen him smile in the past twelve hours. “Mornin’,” he greeted me. “I’m making coffee, and I hope that’s okay because I have a raging hangover and this is really my only cure at this point.”

I didn’t say anything, but instead just nodded as I continued walking into the kitchen area. I got the cream out of the fridge and grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet, then walked over to where Garrett was standing. I wordlessly handed him his mug as we both stared at the pot and waited for it to finish brewing.

When it was done and we both had our cups poured and fixed just the way we liked them, we continued to stand there. I leaned against the counter behind me while Garrett had his hip leaning against the sink near the coffee pot. He sipped his coffee and I sipped mine, both of us exchanging glanced, but neither of us saying anything.

I guess the tension got to be too much for him, because he finally spoke up. It wasn’t his speaking that bothered me; it’s just what he said. “I blew it,” he mumbled, sipping his coffee again as his intense stare continued to look right through me.

“Hmm?” I asked nonchalantly, mimicking him with my own coffee.

“I blew it when we broke up, Ash. I never, ever should have done that to you.”

I quirked an eyebrow, now thoroughly invested in the conversation. “What do you mean? Do what to me Gar?”

“Break you.” I scoffed at this. He didn’t break me, he broke my heart. I opened my mouth to tell him this, but he stopped me. “I don’t mean that arrogantly. I just... I shouldn’t have hurt you like that. I never wanted to lose you, I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“You didn’t want to lose me, so you broke up with me?” I rolled me eyes. “Yep, that makes a lot of sense, Garrett.”

He shook his head adamantly. “That’s not what I mean. I just felt like you had these high expectations for me that I could never live up to, and I didn’t ever want to let you down. So I felt like I didn’t have a choice, Ashley. I’d rather break your heart than let you down. Letting you down would have been a million times worse,” he admitted.

I slammed my coffee cup onto the counter and crossed my arms in front of my chest in a huff. “It hurt a hell of a lot more to be broken though, Garrett. You were selfish in doing that because you thought it’d be easier.”

He shrugged. “Maybe, Ashley. But I just didn’t want you disappointed. I liked you feisty and yelling at me, not sad and disappointed in me. That wouldn’t have been the girl I was in love with.”

“Was?” I questioned quietly.

He just looked at me. I felt like he was asking me a question, like he had put it all on the line and now it was my turn to do so. So I did.

“Maybe I expected too much out of you, Garrett. And maybe I was jealous, and maybe I was a bitch. But I loved you, alright? I still do. I never stopped, because the break up was so unexpected. I hated losing you, and I hated myself for still loving you after you left me. But I couldn’t help it. I’m not perfect, and I never was. I didn’t expect you to be perfect either. I just expected you to love me.”

He took a step closer, but I stepped back.

“Ashley,” he pleaded. I shook my head.

“I loved you Garrett. Maybe I still do. But how could I ever think of being with you again after you just left me when it got a little rough?”

“That’s not it!” he exclaimed, making me jump. “That’s not it,” he repeated, quieter this time. He took another step towards me and this time I let him. He grazed his thumb over my cheek where tears were falling. “I didn’t leave because it was rough. I left because I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew it hurt, us breaking up, but I didn’t want to do something worse to you while we were still together. I didn’t want you to hate me like that, like you’d never forgive me.”

“Worse? Like, cheat?” I was amazed he ever thought he’d be able to cheat on me. I mean, I knew he was a guy, but he was Garrett. My Garrett, and I didn’t think he’d do that to me, ever, no matter what.

He shrugged. “Shit happens, Ashley. I’m not perfect either. I never did, if that’s what you’re asking, I just didn’t want it to happen. Because then we’d never be having this conversation, y’know? You’d hate me and never talk to me again, and I’d understand. I’d expect you to never talk to me again, but I’d hate it. Because I love you, Ashley. I never stopped loving you. You were a bitch and a pain in the ass, but I was a moody son of a bitch and I felt like we balanced each other out. It was like we were those two puzzle pieces that didn’t fit in the rest of the puzzle, but we fit with each other.”

I laughed through my tears. “That never happens, you idiot.”

He smiled. “Exactly.”

It didn’t make sense. We didn’t make sense, and I think we knew that. At least, I’d known it since the day Garrett and I first met. We were mean to each other and we fought and we yelled and we were just not right. We may not have been perfect, but we were perfect for each other, in some weird, twisted way. And as Garrett wrapped his arms around me and planted a kiss on my head, I melted. I felt okay again, and that really was all that mattered.