Symphony of Sound.

Rian watches the younger boy expectantly, eyes trained to Zack’s green irises as he settles himself to listen.

“I guess… I guess it started towards the end of sophomore year –you would pay more attention to me than you would to anyone else, and for some reason that meant a lot to me, especially around my sixteenth birthday, and the anniversary of my mom’s passing and everything. It helped, having someone around who knew how self destructive I could get, and you kind of knew what to do if I was freaking out, or something. I figure it started there.”

“But then we had all summer, and I didn’t dwell on it, because I hardly saw you anyway, and if I didn’t see you then I wasn’t thinking about it, and feeling how I did, so I just kept the thoughts in the back of my mind and pretended like they were never there. I did a pretty good job of it, too, until I saw you that weekend in Sacramento with your family. Then it all came rushing back to me, and I’d kind of figured by that point that it was something more than platonic that I was feeling, and seeing you just kind of confirmed that.”

“By the time we had to come back to school, I’d worked out that it was definitely a crush, but I wasn’t sure of the severity of it, and I thought I might be able to get away with it without it affecting my life all that much. As you can tell, I was pretty far wrong with that statement.”

“So, originally, the plan was to keep it quiet, keep it to myself and hope that it would fade over time, like most crushes do. Except Evan found out. I don’t know how, since I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding it, and keeping it quiet, but he came up to me one day during string quartet and asked me if I liked you, just completely out of the blue. I said yes, of course, because there was no point in lying, and it wasn’t as if he was going to tell anyone, anyway.”

“It turned out that I really needed Evan not too long after, because you started going on all these dates with Cassadee, and you’d both tell me all about them and not realize how much it stung, because the way I saw it, you two shouldn’t have been getting together like this. It kind of felt like she was taking my place, I’m not going to lie.”

“And then I told Jack about it, and I’m pretty sure that not long after that, he told Alex. Kara already had an idea about it from Evan; I think he must’ve mentioned it to her despite me asking him not to tell. And that was about when you and Cassadee got together properly, and I... I don’t even have the words or the willpower to explain how much that hurt. It was like... I don’t know... Think about how it must feel to have someone rip out all your insides while you’re still alive... I figure that must feel something similar.”

“It just hurt so much, and Jack and Evan would try and convince me to tell you, to explain to you how I felt, because they knew that keeping quiet was doing nothing but hurt. But I kept telling them no, that I wouldn’t, not now, not since you were happy with Cassadee. I didn’t want to be the third wheel and get in the way, so to speak, so I kept as quiet as I could and dealt with it myself. I think that’s when I must’ve started crying myself to sleep.”

“You know how I told you that I was going home for Christmas because I needed to see my mom? Yeah, that wasn’t exactly true. Obviously I did need to be around family for Christmas, and it was a welcome change of scenery, but the main reason I went away was because I needed to be away from you and Cassadee for a while, so I could sort out everything that’s going on in my head and my life without distractions.”

“That’s kind of why I left you that letter –I presume by now that you’ve not read it- so that I could be away but still kind of here, just so you wouldn’t forget. And by the time I got back, yours and Cassadee’s relationship had become more permanent that I’d have liked, so I just completely backed off and gave up, basically. I guess it all went downhill from there.”

Zack finishes speaking with a small, dejected sigh and finds himself staring blankly at the floor and blinking to try and slow the tears he hadn’t even realized were falling.

Rian sighs quietly, moves to wrap his arm around Zack’s gently shaking frame. The younger boy was right. It’s all his fault. Mainly due to his general idiocy and moronic tendencies, but it is his fault nonetheless.

Rian frowns, more to himself than to Zack, and he finds himself cursing his own idiocy.

“Zack, I... I know now is a bad time to suddenly become aware of this, but, I, uh... I’ve been having more than friendly thoughts about you, too.”

“That’s why you kissed me, isn’t it?” Zack asks, looking up at Rian with sad, teary eyes and Rian almost feels himself break from the inside out.

“Yeah... yeah, I guess so. It was... You just looked so upset, and the way to make people happy that I always picked up from my parents back when I was small was to kiss them. Like when Mom got really upset one time –I can’t have been much older than six or seven- and all Dad had to do was kiss her and she calmed right down. I guess... I guess I wanted to see if it really works.”

“So you thought you’d try it with me? When you have a steady girlfriend?”

“Cassadee’s not one to show emotion, really. I wouldn’t know if she was upset, or angry, or happy, or what.”

“Then why are you with her?” Zack asks with a watery, wavering voice, “If she annoys you that much?”

“Zack, almost all of the time I spend with her I was thinking about you, and what we’d be doing if I was with you and not her.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Zack replies bluntly.

“I know, I’m getting to that.” Rian says, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. The younger boy is as demanding as ever. “I’m with her because I never dared to leave her. And if I did, I knew all she’d do was spread rumours about how I left her for someone else despite how untrue they are.”

Zack stares at him, as if to say to him ‘You’re making no sense right now.’

“What I mean, Zack, is that I wanted to leave her almost from the moment we got together, because I saw how upset having her around made you, and the way I saw it, sacrificing your happiness for some stupid girl just wasn’t worth it. I just never had the nerve to end things, so it escalated further than I meant it to.”

“You’re scared of her, aren’t you?” Zack asks, almost, but not quite smiling, as he speaks.

“A little. She’s a scary little bitch when she gets mad.”

“She’d kill you if she knew that you just called her a bitch, I hope you know.”

“I know. But unless you go and tell her, she’s not to know, is she?”

Zack shrugs.

“I might accidentally mention it to her in passing conversation.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. She scares the crap out of me.”

Rian looks sideways at Zack and the blonde boy gives him a small smile, and Rian knows then that he just might be okay.

“Zack... Zack, you have to promise me you won’t freak out, okay?” Rian says, turning awkwardly and crossing his legs, moving Zack with him so that the smaller boy mirrors his position opposite him.

“Freak out about what?” Zack asks curiously, and he’s about to say something else but Rian cuts him off by pressing their lips together softly.

Zack is taken aback for a second, before kissing back gently, and yeah, this is kind of absolutely perfect and exactly how Zack thought it would be and ‘oh my God the boy of my dreams is kissing me and he kissed me first and oh my God.’

Rian smiles, shifts slightly to pull Zack closer and cups the blonde boy’s cheek with his hand and brushing his wavy blonde curls back behind his ear.

And Zack is quite possibly happier in that moment, more so than he has probably ever been in the rest of his life. It’s not even his birthday yet, but he’s already decided that this is really the best birthday present ever, regardless of whether his aunt buys him a car, or Holly gets him a new laptop or whatever.

They’re all trivial little material things, but Rian, Rian is anything but. Rian is the biggest, most important part of his life, and if Zack has anything to do with it, it will be staying like that for the rest of his life.

Rian pulls back from the blonde boy for a second, to take a gentle breath and chuckle softly, and Zack opens his eyes to glance at Rian properly, and yeah, he thinks to himself, I could get used to this very easily.

They go on just kissing lightly for a few more moments, before Zack pulls away properly to try and make conversation.

“What about Cassadee?” He asks, voice hushed like she’s some forbidden topic that it’s illegal to discuss.

“Oh, screw her.” Rian replies, rolling his eyes and leaning in again to reconnect their lips.