EAT

The feeling in my stomach was unbearable. It felt as if something was eating at me from the inside out. It gurgled, causing me to roll over under my sheets in pain. Most days I wouldn’t even notice how much it hurt; today was different. My eyes shot open as another growl erupted in my stomach. Time to get up, I thought, sitting up in my bed, yawning and rubbing my eyes. I slipped my cold toes into the soft comfort of the pink bunny slippers that my grandma had gotten me this past Christmas.

I shuffled into the bathroom that was attached to my room—one of the very fortunate things I inherited as a spoiled child—and looked at myself in the mirror. Just like any other ordinary morning, there were bags under my eyes from lack of sleep; my mascara and eyeliner were smeared, a sign of how lazy I was to remove it the night before; and my lips—as pink and plump as they were when I was born—looked oddly dull and unhealthy. My skin, an unnatural pale color this morning, was beginning to blotch. As for my hair, though, it looked as normal as could be; bleached blonde from when I was fourteen, messy because of unwanted hair products, and cropped just above my breasts.

I sighed, as the noise from inside grew louder. Walking out of the bathroom, I removed my night shorts and grabbed a pair of old, matted and ripped jeans. Keeping the same white tank top on that I wore to bed, I grabbed a random baby blue shirt and hauled it over my head. Quickly, as If I was running low on time, I ran my fingers through my hair, removed access makeup, changed my socks and slipped on a pair of old shoes before grabbing my leather jacket and car keys.

I shut my door with a thump, making sure my brother would wake up shortly. Walking down the stairs two steps at a time, my mother scoffed at my morning get-up. “What’d you do—stay out all night?” she asked, sipping her espresso coffee from the cup I bought for her birthday in second grade titled “#1 MOM.”

I didn’t respond, picking up the bowl that she had used for her oatmeal this morning and placing it in the sink. As I looked out the window above the sink, into the pitch-black world, my stomach growled again. I squeezed my eyes shut, smiling and turning to kiss my mother’s cheek. “Have a nice day,” I told her, walking past the kitchen doors and into the front walk way.

“Aren’t you going to have something to eat before you go? You sure do sound hungry,” she asked. I could hear her in the kitchen getting some of her instant oatmeal ready for me before I could refuse.

“Oh, please mom, don’t bother—I’ll eat at school, promise,” I placed a fake smile on my face and walked back to the kitchen to stop her.

“No worries, plus you always say you eat at school. Aren’t you out of money yet?” she questioned, filling the bowl with water and putting it into the microwave.

“Breakfast is free. And you can just give the oatmeal to Marcus, I must be going anyways,” I smiled again.

“I guess you’re right, that boy needs something in his stomach. Will you be back for dinner as well?” she asked.

“Probably not, I’ll just grab something to eat before I get back home, though,” I lied.

“Okay…” she sighed. “Just promise me that sometime this week you’ll have a family dinner with us,” she nodded.

“Sure, no problem. I love you, mom,” I said, walking out the door and to my car. As I got in, I breathed a sigh of relief, happy that I skipped this meal once more.

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I sat alone in class, as I had for the past four years, silently doing my work as expected. Calculus this was, the one subject that I was good at. I never really understood anything else besides working with numbers and equations. Maybe that’s how I ignored that strange pain in my stomach all those years? I shrugged off the pain as lunch came upon the day. I sat in my usual place, waiting for her to arrive.

“Hey, Kass,” Rachel smiled, sitting across from me at the lunch table. Rachel, my best friend, was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. Her hair, a sleek and silky brown, was the softest thing I’d ever touched. Her eyes never failed to amaze me because they weren’t only a gorgeous, mossy green—they had little flakes of hazel toward the pupil. Her face was as flawless as could be, and words couldn’t even explain her body. She was the definition of beautiful, and I envied her.

“Afternoon,” I smiled back. She slid an apple over to me, her smile decreasing a little. I shrugged, placing the apple upright onto the table before me. “I’m trying, I promise,” I told her.

“Alright, as long as you’re making some progress,” she smiled again, bigger this time.

I thought back to the last time I was in therapy, my therapist was telling me about her family and their upcoming get together. “Thanksgiving is going to be the greatest; my family is all going to attempt to cram into my studio apartment for dinner,” she laughed, her eyes slightly squinting and her lips pulling upward into a smile. “What is your family doing this weekend?” she asked, as if I had any idea as to what my mother and father had planned for my little brother and I.

“Not sure, but I’d be happy to find out for you,” I smiled my signature false smile and grabbed a piece of soft candy from the bowl in front of me; making sure that I opened it and played with it between my fingers. As I brought it up to my lips, acting as though I was going to toss it into my mouth, I looked up at her and smiled. “What will your guests be dining on?” I asked, taking the candy away from my lips and playing with it some more.

“Oh! That reminds me,” she said, standing and placing her yellow note pad onto the center of her desk. “I really need to get some shopping done. I'm sure we've had enough time for today?” she asked.

“Certainly, ma'am.” I nodded, crumpling the candy into its wrapper and tossing it into the wastebasket.

“Alright, Kassandra, our next session is not for another few weeks; so I'll see you soon. Don't forget to have a wonderful holiday weekend and eat up. You'll need to be nice and strong for your next check up. Since you're eating again, they'll have to make sure your body isn't rejecting the food you're finally taking in. Can you handle all of that?” she smiled once more, looking into my eyes and deep into my soul.

“Sure... yeah, of course I can,” I smiled with my teeth. “Have a fantastic day, dear,” I told her, walking out into the world once more.

“Kass?” Rachel called, snapping me back into reality.

“Yeah, I have a weigh in tomorrow,” I half smiled, dreading the moment I have to step on that cold, unwelcoming scale again.

“Good luck, love. Just eat dinner and I'm sure you'll do just fine.” Sympathy was radiating from her stunning face; sympathy that I certainly didn't need.

“Rachel, don't mind me. I'll be just fine... just fine,” I whispered, looking away and losing myself in my thoughts again. “I miss you,” I sighed finally.

“I know you do, everyone does. But, I’ll be okay. Just like you’ll be just fine,” she giggled.

“Thanks for the reassurance,” I said sarcastically. Suddenly, I stood. The pain in my stomach was unbearable and I had to leave. “I have to go now. Good day, my love. Please see me again soon,” I uttered, racing from the cafeteria and down the snowy street. When I stumbled to a stop, I looked up.

“Kassandra!” he waved, a smile on his beautiful face as he half jogged toward me. Just then, my knees went weak and I fell to the cold, hard cement, blacking out everything but the image of this beautiful boy that stood before me.