Lima Loser - Part Two.

Well, Friday came along way too quickly for my liking. I was sad that the classic rock theme would soon be all done and over with, and I was a little nervous to begin our next project. I was seriously stoked to perform our classic rock number, however. I was so excited because it was decided that I’d get a guitar solo. I had a feeling we’d own the boys. We’d practiced a lot at Rachel’s house.

Speaking of Rachel, she hadn’t really given me a hard time at her house. I mean, at first she did. She would not shut the fuck up about how we should choose a song about betrayal and dishonesty, glaring at me everytime she spoke of it. Of course, Mercedes had caught on eventually, and told Rachel that if she didn’t drop it, she’d get dropkicked.

Anyway, here we were, sitting in the auditorium, waiting for Mr. Schue to show up with his “celebrity” judge. He seemed to always bring one along during girl vs. boy competition. According to Rachel, his gender made him biased.

He eventually walked in, with Sue at his side. “Hey, guys! Nice to see you all dressed up!”

I had to admit, our costumes were off the heezaaaay. The girls wore black corsets with dark green lacing over black worn spaghetti strap tanktops. Rachel, Santana, Tina and Quinn wore short leather skirts and ripped leggings, along with dark green converse. Mercedes, Brittany, and I rocked extremely dark green jeans, and black leather boots. We all decided to put a temporary tattoo on our upper chest/neck, because if you were in a classic rock band and didn’t have a tattoo, you were pretty much shunned upon.

The guys wore v-necks with the sleeves noticeably ripped off, and their shirts barely covered their stomachs, like your average classic rocker. They wore gray ripped jeans, accompanied by a black leather studded belt. They also rocked biker boots and gloves. I wouldn’t lie, they looked hot. But we looked hotter.

“What’s she doing here?” Mercedes asked, puzzled at the woman in red folding her arms.

“Well, guys,” Mr. Schuester began. “Sue’s our celebrity judge.”

“Celebrity?” Artie snorted. “Please.”

“Watch it, cripple,” Sue pointed a finger at Artie.

“Now, now,” Mr. Schue looked around at all of us. “I’ve chosen Sue because since she’s the Cheerio’s coach, she’ll know exactly how to judge. Also, I know that she’ll be completely honest with her decision on the winning performance.”

“I don’t do it any other way, William,” she told him. “Now, can we get on with it? Geez. I’ve got to go hurt some feelings, and that just can’t wait.”

“You got it, Sue,” Mr. Schue sat down at the judges table, and Sue followed him. “Now, who’s going first? Shall we flip a coin?”

Neither of us wanted to go first. It was best to go last so we could stay fresh in the judges’ minds. So, Sue flipped a coin, and it revealed that the girls would go first.

We all went up on stage and behind the curtain so we could really make an entrance. The song began, and Rachel stepped out from behind the curtain. Her outfit looked surprisingly great. Her makeup was dark and mysterious, but at the same time classy. Her hair was wavy and had the wet look from all of the gel she had in there. The tattoo on her neck was of a huge golden star (obviously), but it looked pretty cool.

“So, this ain't the end.
I saw you agaaaaaain…today.
I had to turn my heart away.”

Quinn then stepped out and began her part. She had her hair in a cute but messy ponytail, and dark green eyeshadow shielded her eyes. She sported a tattoo of a pom-pom, which totally shouted “Quinn”.

“You smiled like the sun.
Kisses for eeeeeveryone.
And tales…it never fails.”

Santana then walked out, shaking her ass and just being an overall whore. Her hair was curly and sticking off everywhere, but I liked it. Her tattoo was of a diamond, and it was awfully close to her boobs. She wore white eyeshadow, which was the complete opposite of her skin tone, and she looked like a freak. But I guess that was the whole point of the assignment.

“You lying so low in the weeds!
I bet you gonna ambush me!
You'd have me down! Down! Down! Down! On my knees…
Now, wouldn't you, Barracuda?
Ohhh!”

Brittany came out from behind the curtain. Her hair was teased to the max, and she looked like a raccoon with the amount of eyeliner and black eyeshadow around her eyes. Her tattoo was of a bunny. I didn’t know the story behind it, but it was Brittany, so I decided against asking.

“Back over time, when we were all trrrryyyyin’ for free!
You met the porpoise and me.
No right, no wrong, you’re sellin’ a sonnng!
A naaaaame!...whisper game.”

Mercedes came out from behind the curtain to sing her part. Her hair was long and straight, and she wore a leather hat. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, but her tattoo made up for it, considering it was of an ice cream cone. So Mercedes.

“And if the real thing don't do the trick,
You better make up something quick.
You gonna burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn to the wick!
Ooh, Barracuda!
Ohhhh, yeah!”

Rachel demanded a second part, and since nobody ever really wins when it comes to Rachel, she sang the next part, putting emphasis on it big time.

“‘Sell me, sell you,’ the porpoise said.
Dive down deep now…save my head!
Youuu...I think that you got the bluuues, too.”

Tina then walked out to sing her part. Her hair was poofy and she wore multi-colored extensions. She wore tons of eyeliner and dark eyeshadow, and her tattoo exposed a dead kitten. Yay.

“All that night, and all the next,
Swam without looking back.
Made for the western pools.
Silly, silly fools.”

My guitar solo began from behind the curtain, and nobody knew where it was coming from. I stepped out, accompanied by a borrowed electric guitar. My hair was everywhere and I could literally see the makeup caked on to my eyes. I looked down to make sure my zombie tattoo didn’t wear away yet, and then got on my knees to rock the fuck out. Everyone cheered in the audience, and I felt pretty cool for once. Eventually, my singing part began.

“And if the real thing don't do the trick,
You better make up something quick.
You gonna burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn it to the wick!
Ohhhhh, Barra, barracuda! Yeah.”

There was another guitar part for me, and then some girl in the band ended off with the bass. Each girl bounded down the stairs, doing their own little exit. I was after Tina, and Rachel was the last one off the stage after me. I danced my way down the stairs, and looked back just in time to see Rachel falling after me with a thud.

Well, as much as I wanted to laugh, I held it back. I just kept on making my way back to a seat in the audience, like all of the other girls were. I knew I should’ve helped her up, but how many times did Rachel say herself, “The show must go on”? Exactly.

Plus, she was fine. She stood up and tried to laugh it off, but the red color of her face told us how humiliated she was. She brushed herself off and said “I’m fine!” before she took a seat with the rest of us.

“Well,” Sue was trying to choke back a laugh herself. “Do the others even need to perform? That drop docked about ten points from the ladies’ performance.”

“What?” Rachel gasped. “But that fall was just to create a dramatic atmosphere!” Her lies were even worse than her personality.

“Anyway,” Mr. Schuester interrupted. “Awesome job, girls! I’ve never seen a better group performance from you ladies!”

We all mumbled “thanks” before the guys made their way up to the stage. Unless one of the dudes took a tumble like Rachel did or messed up the lyrics, us girls were screwed. I doubted I’d be able to even enjoy the performance because of how bummed I was.

When the guys were all up on the stage, Puck whistled. Jacob came out from the behind the curtain, wheeling a teacher’s desk. He put it in the middle of the stage. Some of his dorky friends also came out, carrying student desks, textbooks, and pencils. One of them even wheeled out a chalkboard.

“Not to interject, but is there a point to this?” Mr. Schuester raised his eyebrows at all of the props.

“Oh yeah,” Artie smiled. “You’ll see in a minute.”

Puck spoke up. “By the way, we couldn’t get a hot teacher, so you’ll just have to pretend there’s a real smokin’ mom behind that teacher’s desk.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at what he’d said.

Eventually, Jacob and the geek squad went back behind the curtain. The guys seemed ready to begin their song. Blaze pointed to the drummer, who was gonna start off the song. He did, and my already depressed mood got even worse when I realized what song they were playing. It was gonna kill ours.

The guitar came in, and then Finn began the speaking part of the song to Puck, who’d took a seat in one of the student desks.

Finn: “Oh, wow, man, I said.
Wait a second, man.
What do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?
Uhh!
Oh yeah!”

Blaze came in with his part, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at how hard he was trying to capture my attention. I sat there, giving him no hint that I wanted him, because I didn’t. It was funny how short it took me to get over the guy. And I guess I had Puck to thank for that.

Blaze: “T-T-teacher, stop that screamin'!
Teacher, don't you see?
Don't wanna be no uptown fool.
Maybe I should go to hell.
But I am doing well.
Teacher needs to see me after school.”

Both Matt and Mike sat on the teacher’s desk and began their part with lots of enthusiasm, grinning out into the audience and pointing at the imaginary teacher behind them.

Matt and Mike: “I think of all the education that I've missed.
But then my homework was never quite like this!”

Finn wheeled Artie to the front of the stage for the chorus, and they both began to move back and forth, waggling their eyebrows and licking their lips. It was strange, but fun.

Finn and Artie: “Ow! Got it bad.
Got it bad.
Got it bad.
I'm hot for teacher!
I've got it bad, so bad!
I'm hot for teacher!”

Puck was in the desk, tapping his pencil and feet. He looked up and gave the “teacher” a seductive look before speaking to “her”.

Puck: “Hey, I heard you missed us!
We're back!
I brought my pencil!
Give me something to write on, man!
Whoa!
Uh!
Ooo-oo-ooo!”

Kurt skipped over to the chalkboard and began to write all over it. He drew music notes and wrote his name in girly handwriting. Puck then came over to him and clapped two chalkboard erasers together in Kurt’s face. I didn’t know if it was part of the performance or if he was just being a dick.

Kurt: “I heard about your lessons,
but lessons are so cold!
I didn't know about this school.
Little girl from Cherry Lawn.
How can you be so bold?
How did you know that golden rule?”

Matt and Mike: “I think of all the education that I've missed.
But then my homework was never quite like this!”

Kurt and Puck came together for the second chorus. I never thought I’d see the two of them sing together, and now that I was witnessing it, I thought it was the cutest thing ever. Two of my faves singing together was a dream, especially since they were complete opposites.

Kurt and Puck: “Whoa! Got it bad.
Got it bad.
Got it bad.
I'm hot for teacher!
I've got it bad, so bad!
I'm hot for teacher!”

Finn: “Whoa!”

There was a guitar solo, so all of the guys in the group ran to their desks and pretended to write stuff on the paper throughout the entire solo. When it ended, Artie spoke up.

Artie: “Oh man, I think the clock is slow.
I don't feel tardy.
Class dismissed!
Ooh-yeah!”

Blaze and Matt went up to the chalkboard and erased Kurt’s masterpieces. Instead, they drew none other than a pair of boobs. Everyone in the audience laughed, and both Blaze and Matt began the chorus.

Blaze and Matt: “I've got it bad.
Got it bad.
Got it bad.
I'm hot for teacher!”

Mike: “Whoa!
Oh! Ooh, yes I'm hot!
Wow!”

Finn: “Oh my God!
Woo!”

The song was pretty much over, and I couldn’t deny that the guys had beaten the girls by a mile. All of the dudes took the paper that they were writing on, crumpled them up, and threw them at the imaginary teacher. Then they all stood up and walked off the stage, looking cockier than ever.

Us girls and Mr. Schuester were going nuts. Even though I was sad about automatically losing the competition due to Rachel’s clumsiness, I couldn’t help but feel happy for the guys, mostly for picking a badass song and doing an amazing job with it.

“Alright, alright. Quiet down,” Sue told us. “Well, I hate the Glee club anyway, so I’m not gonna say either of these performances are good. They were both ridiculously flawed. But the group that sucked the least were the males.”

She stood up and walked over to a sweaty Finn with an envelope in her hand. “Congrats, boys. You’re goin’ to Breadsticks, and then to the Northshore Hotel.” She handed Finn the envelope, then looked over at the girls. “Sorry, gals. You’re goin’ home with absolutely nothing but the feeling of loss.” And with that, she walked out of the auditorium.

When Mr. Schue knew that she was gone, he came down to the girls. “All of you did great, no matter what Sue said.” He hauled another envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Rachel. “I wasn’t planning on letting Sue know about this, because she’d yell at me about how I was wasting her time and such. I had a feeling both groups would tie, and I was right. So, I got another certificate for Breadsticks and Northshore. You know what that means?”

We all looked up at him with lit up faces. “You’re all going to Breadsticks for a great meal, and then you’re spending an awesome night in the finest rooms of the Northshore Hotel!”