Love 'n' Stuff

Matt

So the first few days of college was pretty awkward.

Freddie and I moved into our campus apartment the Saturday before lectures were due to start, and, given that it was pretty late, our two roommates were already there. I walked into the kitchen first, carrying my two large duffle bags full of shit, followed by Freddie, who had one wheeled suitcase and his backpack.

‘Um,’ I started, glancing at the two guys sitting on the couch watching TV in darkened silence. They hadn’t even looked up as we’d walked in. ‘Hi. I’m Matt, this is Freddie-’

‘Shh!’ the darker-haired of the two, whose snakebites glinted in the reflection of the TV, snapped, glancing up at us shortly before returning his attention to whatever show was on. I recognised the theme music of X Factor. Of course; it was a Saturday evening in September, what else would anybody in the country be doing?

I glanced at Freddie, who scowled. He’s always been the more outspoken of us, but he just rolled his eyes and jerked his head back towards the hallway; silently, we turned around and left the room, searching for our bedrooms so we could dump our shit and, I guess, go watch TV as some sort of dud bonding experience with the two kids we’d be sharing living quarters with for the next year.

‘Good start then,’ I tried to joke after the door had clicked closed behind us.

Freddie shrugged, then winked suggestively at me. ‘At least they’re hot,’ he said quietly, and I snorted.

I guess Freddie and I have a pretty weird relationship. We’re both gay – the only two (out) gay kids from our small town – but we’d never hooked up, like everyone had expected us to. There were some mild bullying incidents when I first came out aged 13, and then again the year later when he did, but mostly the town was open-minded, accepting, tolerant. There’d been a lot of disappointment – particularly among the girls, most notably our friend Asha – when, despite the copious quantities of alcohol we’d consumed at our graduation party, neither of us had broken down and confessed a long-standing, hidden desire to screw the other. We’d taken each other as our dates for the Debs – the only gay kids, remember? – but while I could appreciate the fact that Freddie was hot, we just didn’t feel that way about each other. I think it’s like when a guy and a girl are best friends but don’t hook up. Given the rarity of choice back home though, a lot of people seemed to assume we’d, I dunno, “settle” for each other in the end, or something. No such luck.

I rolled my eyes expressively at my best friend. I’ve got big brown eyes, and long eyelashes that Asha says are “wasted on a guy”, so rolling them is a pretty expressive gesture.

‘Do you want the hot one or the cute one?’ I asked sarcastically. I don’t think either of us wanted either of them at that point – hotness doesn’t exactly excuse rudeness when you’re from a small, polite little town like us.

We found our rooms – side by side – and dumped our things, not bothering to unpack just yet. My sister, who went to University of Limerick, or UL, further up the country, told me that last year she hadn’t bothered unpacking at all. I could believe it, since she hadn’t unpacked over the summer either. So even though she had two places to call home, she was living out of bags. The idea didn’t really appeal to me, but I could see how it might become practical in the long run: returning home every weekend with a few loads of washing would certainly be easier if the loads weren’t scattered all over the room.

‘How do you think Asha’s getting on?’ I asked lightly once I’d landed my bags on my bare mattress and retreated to Freddie’s room. Asha was also attending UL, while Freddie and I were going to UCC, or University College Cork.

Freddie grinned in response to my question. ‘Probably fine-tuning her gaydar and looking for our replacements,’ he said mischievously. Asha considered it one of her greatest failures in life that she hadn’t managed to hook us up at any point during our four-year friendship. She was probably hunting down poor gay kids at her new school and setting them up on blind dates already.

‘You gonna go to any of the LGBT Soc meetings?’ I asked. The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Society at UCC was one of the most successful in the country for promoting and encouraging tolerance, as well as setting up a broader social circle for gay kids attending the college. We’d had to join for accommodation reasons, but attending meetings were optional.

He shrugged. ‘Doubt it. I don’t need their help to get laid.’

It was true. Even though our town was predominantly straight, Freddie had managed to get a remarkable amount of tail last year. I’d have thought he was lying, if I hadn’t witnessed the pull in the club and had to share taxis home with him and his belle de la nuit.

‘No shit,’ I muttered, rolling my eyes again.

‘Come on,’ Freddie said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me upright. ‘Let’s go make nice with the roomies.’

I traipsed up the hall after him, letting him go first this time. I had no desire for a repeat performance of earlier, being, as my mom liked to say somewhat fondly, of a delicate disposition.

Silently, we walked back into the sitting room, letting the door swing shut behind us, and went to sit on the other couch adjacent to the one our roommates were sharing.

The segment of the TV show was obviously coming to an end, but we sat with our eyes glued to it anyway. It was the first of the live shows, the auditions having ended the week before, and I recognised some of the acts.

‘So you guys have any favourites this year?’ Freddie asked, using his friendly voice, which I recognised from when he was trying to hold his temper. Like I said, where we’re from, rudeness doesn’t come across very well.

‘Dude,’ the dark-haired guy, the hot one, said incredulously. ‘Shh.’

Even in the darkened sitting room, I could see Freddie’s eyes flash, and ordinarily I wouldn’t have bothered putting my hand on his thigh to calm him. We did have to live with these people though, and passive aggressive bitch tactics weren’t on my To Do list this year, so I squeezed his knee briefly and he sighed, returning his attention to the television screen. The theme music started playing again and it cut to an ad break. I held my breath; were we allowed to talk now?

Jack

As soon as the break came on and the ads started playing – always, always at a louder volume than the TV show itself – I stood up and walked swiftly out of the room, locking myself in one of the two bathrooms and dropping my head into my hands. I clutched my hair in frustration; what the fuck was going on?

That kid, the slightly taller one... Freddie? Was that what his boyfriend had called him? Looked so much like Aaron it made my heart ache. As if it hadn’t been aching enough already. The single dark lip piercing, the shape of his face, the way his hair fell... Hell, even how fucking skinny he was. They could have been separated at birth.

As if things weren’t awkward enough between Benny and I already, now there’s this spanner thrown into the works. And the horrible thing was, I know I would have tried to sleep with Freddie too if it weren’t for the boyfriend, whasshisname, Matt. Just because he resembled Aaron so much. Fuck it, I’d probably try anyway. Telling my sob story about Aaron dumping my ass as soon September rolled around – ‘I want to be free to experiment when I go to college’? What was that? He wasn’t even in college – had worked with Benny, I didn’t see why it wouldn’t work with anybody else.

Sleeping with Benny had been a big mistake. We’d been getting on pretty well up until the morning after that. Wednesday night was typically “gay night” in Cork city; it was the night when all the usual clubs had gay themes. And it being our first week, deciding to go out had been pretty natural, I guess. Drinking too much and carrying each other home even before midnight, that hadn’t exactly been on the agenda, and getting teary and honest certainly hadn’t. I’m not sure which one of us leaned in for the kiss first, but by the next morning we’d had sex three times and I’d fallen asleep holding him tight against my chest.

And now things were really fucking awkward. We could barely speak anymore without blushing deep crimson, and all we did was watch TV in silence. So, obviously, risking some new kid who had no idea what the fuck I’d gone through over the last few weeks try to start a conversation with Benny and I? Not gonna happen.

Benny

‘What is up with that dude?’ the taller guy exploded as soon as Jack had left the room, and I bit my lip. Jack and I hadn’t spoken about last Wednesday night – we hadn’t spoken about anything since last Wednesday night – so I didn’t know if his deal with Aaron, or the assault, or even he and I, were up for discussion with anyone else.

‘He’s got some issues,’ I said quietly, frowning to myself. ‘Serious things. He’s actually really nice when he’s not letting that stuff get to him.’

‘What issues?’ the guy asked bluntly.

‘I’m Benny,’ I said, smiling, changing the subject just as bluntly and holding out my hand to shake. I have it on good authority that I’m cute as a button, and I know from experience that my wide smile, with my small, straight white teeth and single left-cheek dimple, can be pretty disarming.

‘Uh, Freddie,’ he said, taking my hand.

‘Matt,’ his friend said, shaking my hand also.

‘His name is Jack,’ I added, nodding towards the door he’d just left through. ‘Gay or bi?’ I asked curiously. Through the LGBT, I knew we’d all been set up in this apartment building because of our sexuality. I also knew that some people were very opposed to this – seeing it as a sort of throwback to segregation – but I was thankful. I’m only 5’3” and I weigh less than nothing; bullying had been a big part of my life before college. Living in an all-gay/bi complex was going to lessen that threat significantly.

‘Gay,’ Matt answered easily, while Freddie grinned and said, ‘Transgender. Bet you couldn’t tell I used to be a girl.’

I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise – I’d never even met a transgendered person before – but Matt elbowed him and rolled his big brown eyes. I felt myself staring at them; they were like liquid chocolate. ‘Shut up,’ he muttered. ‘He’s gay,’ he added, to me. ‘What about you?’

‘Gay,’ I concurred, grinning at Freddie. ‘Very funny.’

‘What about him?’ Freddie asked, jerking a thumb towards the wall, on the other side of which was the hall.

‘Jack? Jack’s bi, I think,’ I said, wringing my hands in my lap again at the mention of my other flatmate. Now would have been the right time to tell them about the whole Aaron thing if I was going to at all, but I couldn’t really get into all that without telling them about the assault and the one-night-stand as well, and that definitely wasn’t my place. So instead there was a vaguely awkward silence as we heard the toilet flush and seconds later the sitting room door opened again and Jack returned to his seat beside me.

I knew he’d probably been crying – he did that a lot, though he thought I didn’t know – and I bit my lip, looking at the ground. I wished Freddie and Matt wouldn’t stare at him like that; hiding your reddened eyes from people was an impossibility I knew all about.

I wished I could comfort him somehow, but I didn’t know where I stood. I was fine with being just friends – I may seem like an innocent, but I’ve had one-night-stands before, though admittedly not with anyone I’d have to face again every day for a whole year – but I wasn’t sure how he felt. If I tried to hug him, he might pull away and then I’d feel like a prize idiot.

Jack

Why are they staring at me? Did Benny tell them what happened?

God I wish someone would hold me.

Freddie

Okay I know Benny said Jack has “issues” or whatever, but it’s clear that Benny is besotted with the kid, so who knows how true that is? His “issues” could be that he has constipation, which I wouldn’t actually doubt at this point, because he looks like somebody shoved a poker up his ass. I was getting really irritated.

I mean I know there’s a lot to be said for not bottling up all your emotions and letting the world know how you feel. I’m gay, okay? I’m open-minded almost as a direct result of that. But what Jack was doing wasn’t expressing himself, it was being rude. He could have at last introduced himself or, I dunno, not told us to shut up when we tried to.

I started fidgeting in my seat; I’m not used to not calling people on their bullshit. I felt Matt’s hand on my leg again, and usually that has a very calming effect on me. I took a deep, calming breath, and tried to turn my attention back to the TV, where the show was finally starting again. I checked the time on my watch; it was half nine, so this had to be the last segment of tonight’s episode. Simon Cowell was introducing his last act, and of course Louis Walsh was faffing about the place spouting bullshit.

Matt leaned in to me to say something and I leaned closer as he whispered something about the new contestant – a kid in the “Boys” category called Adam or Alex or something – but the sound of Jack sighing loudly from my other side caught my attention.

I turned my head angrily; I’d barely been able to hear what Matt was saying, there was no way it could have annoyed Jack.

‘Dude, what is your problem?’ I demanded, sitting forward and glaring at him. Jack turned to look at me; his eyes were almost as big as Freddie’s and seemed, I dunno, doleful. Like a bloodhound’s eyes.

‘Sorry?’ he asked, his voice monotonous.

‘You’ve been a total dick ever since we got here; you don’t even know us,’ I snapped.

Jack seemed to shrug, but it was only a miniscule movement of his shoulders. ‘Freddie and Matt,’ he said in the same deadpan tone, like that proved something.

‘Right,’ I said crossing my arms. ‘So it’s our names that piss you off so much then?’

Jack just leaned back in his seat and returned his attention to the TV, ignoring me. I could feel my blood starting to boil. I mean, I’ve been told I have a temper before, but it did kind of seem like Jack was trying to rise me on purpose.

‘If you’ve got an issue with us-’ I started, but Jack turned back to me, glaring, and cut me off.

‘Look, Backwater,’ he said angrily; I guess it was obvious we came from a small town. ‘I just wanna watch TV. You and your boyfriend can make all the noise you want when the show is over, how’s that?’

Matt and I are both used to people thinking we’re going out, and rarely bother to correct them anymore, but even though I was angry I knew that starting off with the wrong assumptions about each other wasn’t going to spell a successful year.

‘We’re not going out,’ I said tiredly. ‘I just want to know what-’

‘You’re not?’ he cut me off again and I had to bite my tongue not to snap at him again.

‘No,’ we both said, and Matt shrugged.

‘Oh,’ Jack said quietly. Then: ‘Whatever. Just shut up okay?’ and stared fixedly at the TV where Simon’s contestant was finishing up his song.

Matt

Usually that whole Unspoken Best Friend Code applies pretty naturally to Freddie and I; when one of us has a problem with someone, so does the other, no questions asked. So obviously, when Freddie and Jack took an instant dislike to one another, I fell into place alongside Freddie and studiously ignored Jack for a couple of days after that first altercation in the sitting room on Saturday night.

I found it hard to be unpleasant to him though. There was something so sad about him, even the way he seemed to be constantly on the defensive, constantly looking for reasons to not be friends with someone. I found myself drifting towards more neutral ground with Benny than sticking to one side. Whenever Jack and Freddie started picking on each other for no good reason – if one of them didn’t put his plate in the dishwasher right away, or if someone didn’t mop up the water on the bathroom floor after a shower – Benny and I would sit on the couch, both chewing our lips, waiting for it to blow over. Then he’d tentatively go to see if Jack was alright while I tended to Freddie.

So yeah. Overall, a pretty awkward first few days. Of course, everything got a whole lot worse on Wednesday night.