Love 'n' Stuff

Matt

Eventually I managed to soothe my burning cheeks and, while my heart rate was still not exactly what one might call normal, it had slowed significantly since I’d been overcome with the impulse to kiss my best friend on the forehead while my left foot actually touched the boxers on the floor that were covered in his cum.

Forcing myself not to think about it, I grabbed a clean pair of boxers from Freddie’s wardrobe – a heart-rate-quickening feat in itself – and returned to Jack’s room, hesitantly knocking on the door before I entered. I wasn’t sure I could handle the sight of Freddie if he had arisen from the bed, still naked from the waist down.

‘Are you decent?’ I asked, trying to inject a joking quality into my voice so I’d sound normal.

‘Hilarious,’ I heard him mutter from inside, which I took as my cue to enter.

‘Here,’ I said, tossing the boxers at him and turning around to leave again.

‘Hang on a sec,’ Freddie said, and I stopped, frozen on the spot, as I heard him rustling around, pulling on the underwear. Then the sound of him padding across the small room and suddenly he was behind me, beside me, weirdly close, then pushing past me out into the hall. ‘Breakfast?’ he asked, grinning, tilting his head towards the kitchen.

Still slightly shaken by his brief proximity, I shook my head slightly and followed him out of the room. Why did part of me feel like he’d done that on purpose? I scowled at myself. Because you want to believe he did, I answered myself scornfully, dropping onto the couch beside Benny again as Freddie lounged into the kitchen and poured himself a bowl of cereal. I could see Benny peering at me concernedly from the corner of my eye, but I glared determinedly at the screen, ignoring them both.

Benny

Not for the first time, I found myself wishing time would speed up and I could get out of this awkward situation. That I could blink and suddenly it would be three weeks, months, years from now when all of this was sorted out and we would all have degrees and boyfriends and an iota of normality in our lives.

But no, instead I got to sit there as Freddie lazily munched on his Cheerios and smouldered an intense, inappropriate gaze at Matt from across the room, while beside me Matt stared resolutely at Jeremy Kyle telling off an alcoholic mother for leaving her child in the care of drug dealers while she went on a bender and emitted waves of confusion and uncertainty in my direction.

I swallowed nervously. ‘So, good night?’ I bleated, then cringed. In an effort to bring conversation into the room and possibly alleviate some of the tension – mostly sexual – I instead managed to bring up something which, I could immediately tell, was somehow off-limits.

‘Fine,’ Freddie curtly, and I knew that was the end of that line of questioning.

‘Going to college today?’ I enquired breezily; selfish as it was, I wanted him to leave. Matt and I were the Arts students, we were the only ones allowed to skip lectures like this. He was Med-head for fuck’s sake, what if he missed a lecture on using those paddle thingies? I wouldn’t want him to be my doctor if that was the sort of casual attitude he took to his lessons.

‘Think I’ll stay here today,’ he said lazily, never taking his gaze off his best friend. Freddie was hot – really hot, even I could admit that – but even though he was confidently aiming his dark-lashed gaze at Matt, I could sense a sort of nervous hesitancy which, though I was starting to sort of hate him, I found him endearing. At least he wasn’t the arrogant prick he’d had every opportunity to become, seeing as every guy except me who clapped eyes on him seemed to want him. ‘What about you?’

I looked blatantly from Freddie to Matt and back again a couple of times, then stood up. ‘I’m going back to bed,’ I announced, not bothering to hide my exasperation. So much for spending the day with Matt.

Freddie

I’m not sure at exactly what point between the kiss and Matt’s return I decided to play this game, but it wasn’t working out in any way I’d expected. I mean, I’m not entirely sure what I had expected, but maybe something like Matt collapsing into convulsions of laughter and telling me to knock it off, that my usual charm offensive doesn’t work on him. Or maybe him looking at me like I was totally insane and asking what the fuck I thought I was playing at. Maybe, even, in the remotest parts of my hope for the outcome of this “plan”, that he’d immediately throw himself across the room and kiss me again.

But instead, I get this hostile refusal to even acknowledge my presence, much less my attention. And okay, so maybe I’d been a little too smug when I noticed his slightly breathless reaction to my brushing up against him “accidentally” in Jack’s room. But how had he gone from that breathless confusion to this resolute ignorance?

I knew deep down that the chances of anything happening between Matt and I – either short- or long-term – were minute, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted him. I wanted him on my lips, in my arms. My heart was aching dully with the reluctant knowledge that nothing was likely to happen. Every time my gaze flickered over him, taking in his messy, tousled dark hair, his huge brown eyes, his pale, flawless skin, his body... I just wanted him.

Benny closed the door behind him with an exasperated sigh and Matt shifted slightly in his seat – at the far end of the couch – without ever taking his gaze off the TV. Biting my lip for a second in hesitation, I stood up and went to sit beside him.

I knew my usual tactics wouldn’t work on Matt. He’s seen them used a thousand times to the same outcome, and even if they would have worked on him as a complete stranger, I knew he saw them through practiced, cynical eyes now. So instead of being confident, smooth, and funny like I usually try to be, I knew I’d have to try a different approach.

Matt

Why is he doing this? Why? Is it some joke he cooked up with Jack? Is that why Jack was smirking before he left, because he knew Freddie was about to play this “hilarious” prank on me?

Okay, no. I’m being paranoid. That’s not it. First of all, Freddie wouldn’t. He’s my best friend, and no matter what was going on now – whether he’d figured out my crush on him or not – he loved me and wouldn’t hurt me like that. Also, of course Jack was smirking before he left; he’d just caused Freddie to come in his pants and then abandoned him in his room. Just thinking about it made me simmer with righteous indignation. It was so needlessly cruel and humiliating.

I guess it would have been one thing if Freddie was in any way confident. It was probably the sort of thing Jack would have gotten over in ten seconds flat. But Freddie is sort of adorably oblivious to just how hot he is and, while not in the same confidence-crisis category as Benny, still has some issues with his. Freddie is taller and stronger than me, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by this fierce need to protect him.

Freddie sat down beside me and all thoughts of Jack were obliterated momentarily from my mind. Was it my imagination or was he too close again? I knew he’d been staring at me since he’d sat down – I may have been firmly fixed on the TV, but my peripheral vision was the only thing I was focusing on – and that had made me uncomfortably warm and aware of my own body, but it was nothing compared to the nervous heat that surged through me now. God, why was this happening? Why did I have to have a crush on my best friend? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone to get over it instead of making it worse?

I know there’s something to be said for “treat them mean, keep them keen”, but I knew if Freddie let me completely alone for a few weeks I’d get over it. It was these uncharacteristic moments of staring, touching, closeness that made my heart believe, whatever my head might tell it, that there was a chance he liked me too. And I kind of hated him for that.

‘I don’t think I should have come home with Jack last night,’ Freddie mumbled. He had stopped staring at me; rather, he was staring straight ahead now as well. I glanced at him quickly, then turned my attention back to the screen.

‘Why’s that?’ I asked, trying not to sound angry or judgemental. Or, worse, hopeful.

Freddie sighed and rested his head on my shoulder. I tensed up involuntarily for a second, then forced myself to relax. The old me wouldn’t have been bothered by Freddie doing this.

‘Well he’s kind of a bastard, isn’t he?’ Freddie asked ruefully.

Duh. ‘Undoubtedly a valid observation,’ I said monotonously. I tried to shake myself out of whatever weird mood I was in. I was supposed to be acting supportive and best-friend-like. Not as though I couldn’t care less. ‘Want me to beat him up?’ I asked jokingly.

Freddie snorted. ‘I love you too much to watch your face turn into minced meat.’ My stomach lurched at the first three words. Oh god, why was this happening?

‘Thanks for the vote of confidence,’ I retorted, trying to make my voice sound normal.

‘Hey Matt?’

‘Hmm?’

‘You know I don’t care whether you’re a virgin or not, right?’

‘Jesus, Freddie,’ I muttered, mortified.

‘I’m sorry I made such a big deal of it.’

‘It’s fine,’ I mumbled, willing him to change the subject, because my vocal chords were too strained with embarrassment to do it instead. There was a moment of silence.

‘Hey Matt?’

‘Yeah?’

‘You know... The night... In my room?’

My heart started thundering in my chest and my mouth went dry. Oh god, oh fuck, oh shit. He was going ask me if I had a crush on him. Fuck. Fuck, fuck. ‘Uh huh?’

‘How drunk were you?’

What was I supposed to say to that? How drunk had I been? I could hardly remember. I had spent so much time reliving the other parts of that night that the other little details had melted away completely. But obviously I couldn’t tell him that.

So I had two options. I could say I hadn’t been that drunk, but that would mean that I’d been aware of what I was doing and who I was doing it with, and an admission like that could get me into trouble. Then again, saying I’d been really drunk would mean that I hadn’t known what I was doing and who I was doing it with. And while that was definitely the safer option, there was a tiny part of me that wanted him to know that I didn’t regret it...

‘Pretty tipsy, I guess,’ I said, affecting as casual a tone as I could manage and throwing in a shrug for good measure, even though his head was still on my shoulder. ‘Why? ‘

Freddie

My heart thumped hard and loud in my chest. I knew what I wanted to say. Could I say it? Did I have the balls? What if he turned me down? Could I pretend it was a joke?

‘I’m just kind of wondering what it would feel like sober,’ I said softly, some of my nerves evident in my voice.

Matt pulled away from me and looked at me like I was crazy. ‘Is this some sort of joke?’ he demanded.

Well there went that option. If I said it was a joke now I’d never know how he felt. If I didn’t, I stood the chance of being horribly humiliated and dropped by my best friend.

‘No.’

Matt

There was this big feeling spreading in my chest. It made it feel like it was expanding. As I stared in shock, surprise, and incomprehension at Freddie, the feeling moved across my chest, into my tummy, down along my arms, until my whole body seemed to be tingling with excitement and apprehension.

I guess there’s only one way to find out.

Jack

People are staring at me. Normally it would be disconcerting, but I can’t seem to find it in me to care today. I know why they are staring, after all.

Usually I’d be slightly paranoid, wondering what drunken antics I could possibly have gotten up to the night before that had spread so quickly the whole college seemed to know about it already. Or what, exactly, I had stuck in my teeth that had people gazing curiously at me before muttering to their friends and nodding in my direction.

But no. Today, I know they are staring because I am wandering around campus, sitting in lectures, taking notes, and answering question with a big dumb smile on my face.