Must Be Dreamin'
Isn't That Normal?
April 10th 2009… two months after that horrific day I found out the news. The news that ripped my heart in two. The news that told me that I would never again see the ocean blue eyes of my brother. The news that turned my whole world upside down. The news that would forever ring in my ears and send a dagger through my heart each time I heard it: Jeremy Lusk has passed away.
I still can’t bring myself to stare at anything relating to freestyle motocross. Even though I was living with him at the time, I couldn’t stay in that house. His wife, Lauren, was the same way. She went to her family though. I couldn’t be around mine. It just reminded me of what I lost.
With all of these emotions running through me, I’ve confined in two of my best friends: Kirstie and Jimmy.
Kirstie was the one who’s always been there for me… as much as she could with her being in a band. Even though she was on tour through all of this, she was still able to comfort me. But her soothing words could only do so much.
This is where Jimmy comes in. I’ve known of the guy forever. We’d talk a few times when Jeremy was riding at his house and I tagged along. But we never really ‘hit it off’. But that tragedy brought us so close together.
For some reason, he was the only one that I could express my feelings to and feel like he understood. He was the only one that could hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok and I believed him. He was the only one that could simply hold me to stop my tears. He was the only one that I was able to feel secure enough to fall asleep around and not have nightmares about that horrible accident that took my brother’s life.
But Kirstie was determined that she had figured out a way to get me out of this little funk. I wasn’t too sure of it, but… I guess we would have fun. She suggested that I join her on the rest of her band’s tour. I love her band for the music and obviously the people. Of course I said yes.
I told Jimmy about it too. He seemed happy for me. But he wasn’t too excited about me not being around for almost a month. Since everything happened, I’ve been staying at his house. It’s just comfort. Nothing’s happened between us. I just consider him one of my best friends…that’s super cute.
“You going to be ok on the road?” he asked caringly the night before I was to leave while we were cuddled up on the couch.
“I should be. Kirstie’s there, so she’ll keep my grounded,” I assured him.
“What’s the BF think?” he sighed, moving his hand up a little more so that it wasn’t on my lower back anymore.
“He doesn’t like it, but… I guess that’s normal. I don’t like the idea of being away from him either. I think I should do this though… for me,” I replied.
Yeah… I have a boyfriend… Todd. I know… I know. Why don’t you stay at his house then? And I honestly can’t answer that. Jeremy’s death seems to have pulled us apart a little. Our communication isn’t what it used to be, we don’t really care where each other is anymore, and…I kind of don’t care. Hints why I’m here with Jimmy.
“He told me to come see him before I leave though,” I shrugged.
“Isn’t that normal?” he teased.
“I can’t expect anything more from him I guess,” I rolled my eyes…God forbid he come and see me.
“He’s hurting too though. Everyone deals with it differently. I think he just sees a lot of Jeremy in you and it’s hard for him,” he said sweetly.
I nodded my head, agreeing with him. I mean, that could be the only logical reason for his change in character. I know he’s not cheating. He may be a flirty thing, but he would never do that kind of thing. There’s still feelings there. I get small butterflies in my stomach when I see him. But… I just wish things were back to normal.
After this though, I kind of nodded off. When I woke up in the morning, I was in Jimmy’s bed. A yawn came out of me as I stretched my arms out, expecting to see Jimmy beside me like I do everyone morning, but… he wasn’t.
I got changed and took my bags downstairs. This is where I found Jimmy. He was cooking breakfast. Aw. He saw me coming and sent me a weak smile.
We shared breakfast in this slightly uncomfortable silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. Apparently, he didn’t know what to say to me either. I was more than happy when I finished and told him my goodbyes. I was going to leave right after I left Todd’s so Jimmy’s goodbyes were now.
He seemed really… apathetic about it though. It kind of brought me down. But once I pulled up to Todd’s and saw him sitting on the porch with his cute puppy, I perked right up.
“Hey,” he beamed once he stood in front of me when I stepped out of my car.
“How’ve you been?” I asked softly after I pulled him in for a hug.
“Been better, but… I’m glad you’re here. Not too happy that you’re leaving, but… if you think it’s right, then I’m ok with it,” he replied, making me feel a little better about my decisions.
“I’m going to miss you,” I told him once our eyes met.
“I’ll miss you too,” he replied, but having a hard time keeping his eyes on mine.
I just sighed and rested my head on his chest. He started rubbing my back gently, adding a kiss to the top of my head.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered with his lips still pressed into my hair. “I should be stronger for you,” he went on.
“Aw, Toddie, it’s ok. Everyone needs their time to mourn,” I countered, looking up into those dark brown eyes that seemed slightly glossy.
“I know, but… I haven’t been there for you like I should. Now I realize that, but you’re… leaving now,” he pushed out.
“I’ll be back in a little over a month. Maybe this time will be good for both of us,” I tried to be more positive that he was right now.
He nodded his head once we parted from our embrace. He opened the door for me to climb in. He stood in the opened door once I sat down. I couldn’t help but smile at him. His quickly came over him too, but… he dropped his eyes from mine again…Do I really look that much like my brother?!
“If you need anything, baby… You can always call me,” he said, forcing his eyes back to mine.
“You know I will,” I told him.
His full smile came back through. I couldn’t return this one. Instead, I planted my lips against his smooth plump ones. This kiss was something else. I never got this from kissing him before, but… something was missing. I couldn’t place it either. It bothered me as I was driving to meet Kirstie. But once I saw her, that thought quickly left my mind.
“KYLEE!” she squealed once I pulled up next to her band’s tour bus.
“Kirstie!” I tried matching her excitement, but no one can match this chick’s excitement… She’s always this excited!
“You ready? We’re going to have so much fun,” she said after we shared a tight hug.
“I can’t wait,” I smiled.
She clapped her hands together excitedly before taking my hand to pull me onto the bus. I’m ready for this. I’m ready for this. I’m… ready for this. Can I go withoutJimmy Todd for this long with my emotions still being in this fragile state? Well, I guess we have to wait and see.
I still can’t bring myself to stare at anything relating to freestyle motocross. Even though I was living with him at the time, I couldn’t stay in that house. His wife, Lauren, was the same way. She went to her family though. I couldn’t be around mine. It just reminded me of what I lost.
With all of these emotions running through me, I’ve confined in two of my best friends: Kirstie and Jimmy.
Kirstie was the one who’s always been there for me… as much as she could with her being in a band. Even though she was on tour through all of this, she was still able to comfort me. But her soothing words could only do so much.
This is where Jimmy comes in. I’ve known of the guy forever. We’d talk a few times when Jeremy was riding at his house and I tagged along. But we never really ‘hit it off’. But that tragedy brought us so close together.
For some reason, he was the only one that I could express my feelings to and feel like he understood. He was the only one that could hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok and I believed him. He was the only one that could simply hold me to stop my tears. He was the only one that I was able to feel secure enough to fall asleep around and not have nightmares about that horrible accident that took my brother’s life.
But Kirstie was determined that she had figured out a way to get me out of this little funk. I wasn’t too sure of it, but… I guess we would have fun. She suggested that I join her on the rest of her band’s tour. I love her band for the music and obviously the people. Of course I said yes.
I told Jimmy about it too. He seemed happy for me. But he wasn’t too excited about me not being around for almost a month. Since everything happened, I’ve been staying at his house. It’s just comfort. Nothing’s happened between us. I just consider him one of my best friends…that’s super cute.
“You going to be ok on the road?” he asked caringly the night before I was to leave while we were cuddled up on the couch.
“I should be. Kirstie’s there, so she’ll keep my grounded,” I assured him.
“What’s the BF think?” he sighed, moving his hand up a little more so that it wasn’t on my lower back anymore.
“He doesn’t like it, but… I guess that’s normal. I don’t like the idea of being away from him either. I think I should do this though… for me,” I replied.
Yeah… I have a boyfriend… Todd. I know… I know. Why don’t you stay at his house then? And I honestly can’t answer that. Jeremy’s death seems to have pulled us apart a little. Our communication isn’t what it used to be, we don’t really care where each other is anymore, and…I kind of don’t care. Hints why I’m here with Jimmy.
“He told me to come see him before I leave though,” I shrugged.
“Isn’t that normal?” he teased.
“I can’t expect anything more from him I guess,” I rolled my eyes…God forbid he come and see me.
“He’s hurting too though. Everyone deals with it differently. I think he just sees a lot of Jeremy in you and it’s hard for him,” he said sweetly.
I nodded my head, agreeing with him. I mean, that could be the only logical reason for his change in character. I know he’s not cheating. He may be a flirty thing, but he would never do that kind of thing. There’s still feelings there. I get small butterflies in my stomach when I see him. But… I just wish things were back to normal.
After this though, I kind of nodded off. When I woke up in the morning, I was in Jimmy’s bed. A yawn came out of me as I stretched my arms out, expecting to see Jimmy beside me like I do everyone morning, but… he wasn’t.
I got changed and took my bags downstairs. This is where I found Jimmy. He was cooking breakfast. Aw. He saw me coming and sent me a weak smile.
We shared breakfast in this slightly uncomfortable silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. Apparently, he didn’t know what to say to me either. I was more than happy when I finished and told him my goodbyes. I was going to leave right after I left Todd’s so Jimmy’s goodbyes were now.
He seemed really… apathetic about it though. It kind of brought me down. But once I pulled up to Todd’s and saw him sitting on the porch with his cute puppy, I perked right up.
“Hey,” he beamed once he stood in front of me when I stepped out of my car.
“How’ve you been?” I asked softly after I pulled him in for a hug.
“Been better, but… I’m glad you’re here. Not too happy that you’re leaving, but… if you think it’s right, then I’m ok with it,” he replied, making me feel a little better about my decisions.
“I’m going to miss you,” I told him once our eyes met.
“I’ll miss you too,” he replied, but having a hard time keeping his eyes on mine.
I just sighed and rested my head on his chest. He started rubbing my back gently, adding a kiss to the top of my head.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered with his lips still pressed into my hair. “I should be stronger for you,” he went on.
“Aw, Toddie, it’s ok. Everyone needs their time to mourn,” I countered, looking up into those dark brown eyes that seemed slightly glossy.
“I know, but… I haven’t been there for you like I should. Now I realize that, but you’re… leaving now,” he pushed out.
“I’ll be back in a little over a month. Maybe this time will be good for both of us,” I tried to be more positive that he was right now.
He nodded his head once we parted from our embrace. He opened the door for me to climb in. He stood in the opened door once I sat down. I couldn’t help but smile at him. His quickly came over him too, but… he dropped his eyes from mine again…Do I really look that much like my brother?!
“If you need anything, baby… You can always call me,” he said, forcing his eyes back to mine.
“You know I will,” I told him.
His full smile came back through. I couldn’t return this one. Instead, I planted my lips against his smooth plump ones. This kiss was something else. I never got this from kissing him before, but… something was missing. I couldn’t place it either. It bothered me as I was driving to meet Kirstie. But once I saw her, that thought quickly left my mind.
“KYLEE!” she squealed once I pulled up next to her band’s tour bus.
“Kirstie!” I tried matching her excitement, but no one can match this chick’s excitement… She’s always this excited!
“You ready? We’re going to have so much fun,” she said after we shared a tight hug.
“I can’t wait,” I smiled.
She clapped her hands together excitedly before taking my hand to pull me onto the bus. I’m ready for this. I’m ready for this. I’m… ready for this. Can I go withoutJimmy Todd for this long with my emotions still being in this fragile state? Well, I guess we have to wait and see.