I Never Told You What I Do For A Living

After my annoyance blew off, I began to feel bad for being so harsh. I decided to go downstairs and maybe apologize. It's not fun when the only person you have left in the world is mad at you. 

I made my way downstairs and he was sulking on the couch. I walked over and sat next to him. 

"Hey Bren." I mumbled. 

"Hi." he mumbled back, not looking at me. 

"Brendon, I'm sorry. I hate it when we fight, but you understand why I'm so paranoid though right?" I said in a soothing tone, grabbing his hand. 

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm not mad anymore." he mumbled. 

I smiled and snaked my arm around his waist. 

"Then what's the matter?" I asked. He still looked like he wanted to cry. 

"Are you sure you're not still mad?" I asked. He smiled and kissed my cheek. 

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Then what's eating you?" I asked. 

He sighed. "Just... Don't worry about it. It's nothing." he said. 

"No Bren, tell me. I don't like seeing you upset. And it's even worse if I don't know why." I told him. 

He smiled meekly at me before resting his head on my shoulder. 

"I-I think I want to see my mom." he said. 

There was a pause. 

"What?" I asked, pulling away and looking at him. 

"I. Want. To. See. My. Mom." he repeated, enunciating. 

"Why?" I asked, still not totally comprehending. 

"Because... I don't know. Ever since the whole encounter thing, I kind of realized how much I used to love her, and how well we used to get along. I kind of miss it. And I know that I can never go back, obviously, but I just kind of need some sort of closure before I go insane." he explained. 

I sighed and pulled him close again. 

"Brendon, I really don't think that's such a good idea." I told him. He tensed then pulled away. 

"Of course you don't." he muttered bitterly. "You never think any of my ideas are good ideas! You're just so... so..." he trailed off. 

I sighed again. 

"Brendon, I'm just afraid she'll hurt you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. And what happens if she calls the cops and you don't get out in time? Brendon I can't loose you. I don't know how I would be able to go on if I lost you." I told him. 

"Don't you trust me to be careful?" he asked, looking hurt again. 

"Brendon, do you remember what happened last time? Do you know how scared I was that I'd never see you again?" I tried to reason. I didn't want to bring it up, but he just doesn't understand. She would verbally abuse him, then threaten to call the cops. And being Brendon, he would probably freak out and kill her with out thinking. He could never live with himself if he killed his mother. He may be a "serial killer" but killing his mother would ruin him. No matter how much of a crazy bitch she is, it would probably break him. 

He glowered down towards his hands folded in his lap. 

"Right. Whatever. Forget it. I'm going to bed." he mumbled, standing up. 

I stood up with him. 

"I'm really sorry Bren." I tried, taking his hand. 

"It doesn't matter." he mumbled. 

I pulled him close as we walked upstairs, and as we got in bed I wrapped him in my arms. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I love you." 

"I love you too." he whispered, then reached up to kiss me on the lips. 

~*~ 

Brendon's POV

He doesn't understand. He just doesn't understand. There's no use in trying to get through to him. He doesn't even try to understand. 

I need this. I really need this. I need to vent everything I've been building up over the years to my mother, and never see her again. 

I need her to know that my only family is Ryan now. (Leave Spencers name out for his sake.)

I waited until Ryan was snoring softly, until I carefully removed his arm from around my waist and scooted towards the end of the bed. 

I managed to sit up before he started stirring. 

His snoring stopped, and I froze. 

"Where are you going?" he asked in a sleepy daze, not even opening his eyes. 

"I'm thirsty." I said. 

"Mkay." he mumbled before rolling over and falling asleep again. 

I exhaled a sigh of relief, and made my way downstairs. 

I then remembered a small little detail: I have no idea where she is currently residing. 

But I also remembered Spencer saying something about how she was staying with his aunt. 

Awesome. 

If only I knew where she lived. 

He has to keep her address somewhere in this house. 

I began rummaging through the drawers of the tables and stands in the living room until I found what I was looking for. 

An address book. 

I found her address, and decided it was close enough to walk, so I wouldn't risk waking Ryan or Spencer up with the car. 

I put my hood up, put my glasses on, (I don't wear them too often, so maybe it will help keep me from being recognized) shoved the book in my jacket pocket, and headed out the door. 

~*~

I reached her house, and found myself crouching in the bushes, peering at my mother reading a book by herself in the living room. The window was open a tiny crack. 

"Grace?" Spencer's mom, Ginger called from the staircase. "The girls are asleep, I'm going to shower upstairs. There's another bathroom downstairs as you know, if you need a shower. Good night!" she called in a cheery voice. 

"Good night! Thanks again for letting me come on vacation with you, and see you in the morning." My mother said with a smile, glancing up from her book. 

"No problem dear. You needed to get out of the house. And see you tomorrow." she said before disappearing up the stairs. 

This is so perfect. Now how am I going to get her attention with out her freaking out and waking up the whole family? 

She put her book down, and walked into the bathroom, where she stood in front of the mirror and took her pills. 

Years of practice managed to teach me how to make no sound while breaking into the house, so she didn't hear me slide the window open and crawl in. She didn't even notice my presence until I pushed my way into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. 

She gasped and looked like she was about to scream before I put my hand over her mouth. 

I shushed her. 

"Please don't scream. I'm not going to hurt you, I promise." I said quietly. "It's me, Brendon." 

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed under my hand, so it sounded more like a muffled bunch of words I almost couldn't make out. 

"I just need to talk to you." I said. "Then I'll leave and never bother you again." I promised. "I promise I won't hurt you as long as you stay quiet." I said. She nodded. 

As soon as I removed my hand, her expression melted from fear to disgust and probably anger. 

"What do you want?" she asked bitterly. "And the only reason I'm not calling the cops is because who knows what kind of horrendous thing you'd do to your own mother. You horrible little-" 

"Stop. Stop right there." I interrupted her. "How can you say something like that to your own son? Huh? I know I've done some pretty messed up things in your eyes, but what ever happened to unconditional love?" I said. 

She paused, crossed her arms, and glared at me. 

"Brendon, you've murdered several innocent, helpless people. How can I deal with something like that? As a mother, what was I supposed to do? Stand by and watch you do the devils work? You're a sinner if I've ever seen one!" she exclaimed. 

"They're hardly innocent!" I exclaimed, somewhat quietly. "I do what I do because there are people that deserve to die. You know the other day we Killed a guy because he physically abused his pregnant girlfriend? And then another one who beat the shit out of his son for being gay. Sound familiar? And who the fuck cares if I'm a sinner? If it's all god freaks like you in heaven anyway, why would I want to go there? Why did you have to shove that down my throat my entire life?! 'Don't do this, you'll go to hell. Don't do that or you'll god won't love you. Don't do this or I'll fucking call you a faggot and disown you!'"

"Oh so now this is my fault? You became a horrible excuse for a son because I tried to put you on the right path?!" she exclaimed. "You're a monster. You don't deserve-"

"Deserve what? Love? A family? Well guess what! I have it already. Ryan loves me! He fucking loves me. And he's my family now. I don't need you, or dad, or anyone else in our... In your family. I don't." I said. My voice broke at the end. I mentally cursed myself. 

"If you're so 'happy' with your god forsaken, messed up life, then why did you come here? Why did you have to come find and harass me?" She spit bitterly. 

"Because." I barked back. "Because I need closure. I needed to tell you that I don't need you, that you're a crazy bitch so I can move on with my life and never see you again!" I exclaimed. 

"I'm crazy? Did you just seriously accuse me of being the crazy one here?" she exclaimed. "You're a murderer! What happened to the innocent little boy who used to love his family? The one who always talked about wanting to be a veterinarian when he grew up, or a fire man? What happened to the boy I loved?" she ranted on, her voice breaking at the end. I looked up and noticed she had a couple tears falling down her face. 

"He left. He died. He saw the real world for what it was." I mumbled grimly. 

"We used to get along so well. You used to sit on my lap and tell me stories and about your day. You used to need me to tuck you in at night." she cried. She then sunk down to the floor, hugged herself, and let the tears fall. 

I watched her cry, and suddenly a tear fell down my cheek as well. Then I was on the ground next to her, crying at the memories. 

Something I never wanted to admit to myself, I missed it. I missed my family sometimes. 

Ryan is many things, but he's not a mother. He's not a father. Spencer is kind of like a father figure, but not the same. 

"It was at about eleven when you started to change. You began saying disturbing things. You kept trying to hurt the dog. I would find dead, severed worms and insects all over the house. Eventually birds and smaller animals. I didn't know what to do." she vented. 

I didn't respond. Instead I just cried next to her. 

"I miss it sometimes." I nearly whispered after a silence. "Sometimes I miss my family. But I know I can never go back. That's why I needed to do this. I need closure. Sometimes I secretly regret everything I've done because it means I don't get a family. It means I don't get everything I fantasized about as a kid." I vented back. The tears came harder with every word. "But there's nothing I can do now. And I don't regret anything enough to turn myself in. I don't regret anything enough to destroy what I've spent years building up."

She cried harder. 

"Brendon," she mumbled through a sob. "Com'ere." she motioned for me to move towards her, so I did. And before I knew it, she was wrapping me in her arms. It took me by surprise. I didn't know how to react at first. No one besides Ryan and occasionally Spencer has shown affection towards me in years. But eventually I was hugging her back, and letting everything out. I was crying and sobbing just as hard as she was. I couldn't control it. 

"I never stopped loving you." she mumbled. "You were right, it's unconditional love. I will always love you. I just hate who you've become. And sometimes it kills me inside, because I feel like it's all my fault. Sometimes I wonder how you would have turned out if I did it right." she cried. 

"It's not your fault. I was just born this way I guess. With a sick twisted mind. And there's nothing you could have done." I spoke emotionlessly through my tears. "This is me. And I can't change. At least not now. I'm sorry." 

She sniffed and nodded before pulling away and looking at me. She wiped away some of my tears and caressed my face. 

"You should probably go." she mumbled sweetly. "Before Ginger gets out of the shower." 

I nodded, and she pulled me forward and placed a kiss on my forehead, then wrapped me in her arms once more. 

"Take care out there." she said. I nodded, before exiting the bathroom, and crawling back out the window. 

Pretending nothing had happened at all.