Dear God

Dear God,

I recently had to open my eyes to those around me, and I discovered things I wish were not true. After turning a blind eye to years of dishonesty and betrayal, I ended, what I believed was a friendship, which was near and dear to my heart. It hurt to do; such a decision and action drained me and made me feel, not exactly terrible, but most definitely weird in a negative light. However, after I heard her reaction, and now that I am able to see the kind of person she really is, I am relieved. And I am thankful for the strength that was given to me to be able to do all of this.

There is a thought that has been floating around in the inner workings of my mind that I can no longer procrastinate. When I was barely at the age of being able to doodle as a toddler, I drew generic, square like buildings, with crosses on them. Not uppercase “T’s,” but crosses. My life has been extremely difficult, and I have tried to die several times. I have to ask, were my attempts just poorly employed, or am I alive due to Providence? Am I supposed to do something of actual, influential, and known importance? Why have I been kept alive? Why am I able to catch glimpses of the future? Why am I able to just know certain things? Why am I able to be inserted in the dreams of others and not only act independently, but also remember it? I often feel like I am the “Superman” of many of the people who are a part of my daily life and reality. And there are many times that I am drained and exhausted and want people to stop asking me for help, but at the same time, I wonder if that is my purpose for life.

Am I supposed to help people? Not just be a comforter or end up being a nurse or anything like that, but am I supposed to help the world? Perhaps it’s egotistical of me to believe such, but I can’t feel any other way about my existence. I truly feel that you have bestowed knowledge and feeling and a different perspective on me so that I can do something good for a decaying society. I understand whether or not I accomplish that is up to me because of the whole free will thing, but I won’t say, “I hope I do not fail you,” because I know you won’t let me fail.

I used to be angry about all the struggles in my life, but now I see that they weren’t there to torment me, but to make me the person I am today. To make sure that I am strong, that I am brave, and that I can think for myself. I am sorry that I disappointed you with my few attempts for death, but I am forever and incapable of expressing how grateful I am for the gift of life.

I also would like to say that I recently was dragged into the discussion of whether or not You exist; I don’t understand how that question can exist. Are my brethren really that blind? To look at a patch of land untouched my man should be an eye opener, but if that in itself is not enough, what about the miracle of birth? The beauty of how a spec of sperm and a tiny egg combine to create a human. How the child knows to turn so that he or she may exist the body of his or her mother? Or how about something as simple as kindness between two strangers? Do people really need you to descend from the Heavens and make yourself… I can’t use visible, for I already believe that you are. You’re visible in true happiness and love and in nature and countless other things.

I would also like to say that I do not believe that “God hates gays.” If You hated them, you wouldn’t have created them. I don’t understand the concept of “well that person was weak, giving Satan the chance to corrupt them.” Satan cannot just insert himself into the hearts of any human, for we are children of God. Satan needs to be invited before he can hurt a soul. Many animals in nature – bottlenose dolphins, rams, penguins, etc - that are gay. I honestly believe that any true love, whether it is platonic or romantic, is a gift from You. Satan cannot mimic love, Satan cannot make a human feel that for another human.

Such is not to be mistaken for infidelity or nymphomania or dishonesty or anything alike, but just the concept of love between two people. No, not between the disgusting concept of love between a grown person and a child. That is truly a sickness, but between two consenting adults or two people of the same age group… I don’t see anything wrong with that. I can’t recall a single quote from Jesus saying that homosexual love is wrong. I do believe that homosexuality was frowned upon because there was no social security, welfare, or retirement plans. Retirement plans were children; if one did not have children, then their lives were a burden upon their neighbors. Wasn’t mixing fibers to create clothing a sin? Wasn’t eating shellfish a sin? Times change, and what is helpful to living change with it.

I believe that You do not make mistakes; therefore I believe there is nothing wrong with homosexuals. I believe that love is only something that You give, and I believe in and love You.

Thank you for my life. Thank you for the breath in my lungs, even when it is a struggle to in or exhale. This letter is done, but my thoughts and life are not. I love You. Thank you for loving me, too.