Illusions to Fix the Twist in You

Andreas

I opened my eyes to white walls; it was a normal day here. Maybe my life wasn’t so normal since I spent it here all the time. No one visits me, they all think I’m crazy, but I tell you I’m not.

“Andreas” I heard, as I looked up, a nurse, wearing white of course, came over and gave me my pills for the day. “Your medication” she said dropping them onto a side table with a class of water. I nodded as she walked away. No one ever stayed for long here. Here was a bad place. Here you may be wondering is a strange place.

St. Henry’s Mental Institution, I was sent here five years ago. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, which didn’t surprise people who soon found out. It shocked me, and I wanted out. I didn’t see people that weren’t there, I am normal, but they classified me as residual schizophrenia, which means that the full-blown characteristics, or the positive symptoms like delusions and paranoia are absent, but the negative symptoms like decrease in functions, such as withdrawal, and disinterest, and not speaking were there.

The doctors here told me I’d be free to leave only months after I had arrived, but I’ve been here five years. They say it was because my mood swings, and they diagnosed me as being type I bipolar, meaning that I have mood swings. The doctor, Dr. Fitzgerald, claimed that was why I attacked Corina, and it also had to with stress and my schizophrenia.

“Andreas, you have a visitor,” the nurse said as I looked up once again. I looked up through the window and I saw Carsten on the other side.

I couldn’t formulate anything to say, I didn’t know why he was here, and why in God’s name did he want to see me? I put my hand on the glass, but still no words.

“I guess you’re wondering why I’m here” I nodded. “Corina, she still loves you,” he said as he said it, it broke my heart. He couldn’t possibly be telling me this. I wanted to know how she was, so I tried.

“How, how, is she?” I stumbled on words and my mouth was dry, I hadn’t spoken a word in five years. I always just nodded.

“A lot better than the way you left her, but she seems to want to see you all the time. Yu can’t figure out the reason, he thinks she’s gone crazy and has sent her to at least twenty different physiatrists, but they all say the same thing, nothing’s wrong. But I don’t think she’s crazy, I think she still loves you because she always did, even though you beat her, I think that showed her who she really loved, and it was you, and not Marcel, or Shin” he said as tears streamed down my face.

It has been five years since I saw her, I was released back in my first year here, but they thought I couldn’t live on my own since I couldn’t pick up the phone, it wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was I didn’t want to. I went to see Corina, I needed to see her, I needed to apologize, and to tell her something was wrong with me. I didn’t get a step through the front yard without running into Yu. He stopped me and pushed me to the ground, told me I wasn’t worth wasting my time there. He kicked me until I couldn’t breathe. I looked up and I could see Corina staring down at me through the window. She looked sad, but she left and I never saw her again.

I looked back up at Carsten and he saw my pain.

“I didn’t come here to make you cry, but I wanted you to know”

“Do, do, you think I can see her?” I asked as she shook his head.

“I wish I could tell you yes, but Yu would never allow it”

“Doesn’t he know?” I asked as he shook his head again. “Can you tell him?” I asked as he sighed.

“Me and Yu aren’t as close as we used to be, he took total control of Corina after that day, I tried to tell him about what the doctor told me, but he wouldn’t give me the chance to say much”

“Dick” I muttered as he laughed.

“Yeah, pretty much. I feel bad for her, she doesn’t deserve that after what has happened to her” he said as a nurse let me out of my room.

“You can go out for a walk,” she told me. “But not too far” I smiled a smile.

“Do you ever get let out?” Carsten asked me as I shook my head. “You don’t talk much either now,” he added.

“I haven’t spoken in five years,” I told him as his eyes went wide. “Yeah, I had no one to talk to, so why bother talking” I told him as he shook his head.

“When do you think you’ll be getting out?”

“I hope soon,” I told him as he nodded.

“Yeah, I miss you” he said as I looked at him and I saw it all in his eyes.

“I should get back,” I told him as he nodded again. “I’m sorry”

“No, it’s ok. I don’t want to get you in trouble” he said as I hugged him.

“Do you think you can hug Corina for me?” I asked as he nodded.

“I will, I promise,” he said as he walked off. I walked back to my lonely room and sulked. Why did Carsten have to tell me all that? It made me feel really bad. To know that she’s out there, and she loves me, after what I did, then I need to be with her. Because I still love her. I think sometimes she’s the one that could get me through a day, all I have to do is think about her, and everything would be ok.

“Andreas” I heard again, this time it was Dr. Fitzgerald. “We need to have a talk, I heard you had a visitor, and you spoke,” he said as I nodded. “I’m guessing you knew your visitor” I nodded again. “Why don’t you talk with me?” I shrugged my shoulders. “I know you can talk, can you please just use words, it would help us a lot”

“How?” I whispered as I lowered my head and I looked up at him.

“We can tell how you’re doing if you talk to us. The nurses here think you can’t speak, and you need to stay here, but I don’t think that is the case, you clearly can talk” he smiled. I just looked at my feet.

“Will I get released?” It was like I was talking to myself.

“That is the plan, I want you to get out of here, I don’t think you need to be here anymore,” he told me as I smiled.

“What will happen if I leave here?” I had so many questions for this day.

“I will still be your doctor, but you would live in your own home, and you would only need to see me every couple of months” I frowned. “Is there a problem?”

“Uh, no” I whispered as he looked directly at me.

“Are you sure?” I nodded. “I don’t think you are” he paused. “Use your words Andreas, you have a beautiful voice,” he said smoothly.

“I know, I used to be a singer,” I told him as he stared at me, taken aback.

“Wow, I didn’t know that, see what happens when you talk” he laughed as I smiled. I like Dr. Fitzgerald, some days more than others. “But what is bugging you” he went back.

“I don’t live anywhere” I told him as he nodded.

“Well you better start looking,” he said as he gave me the paper. “I’ll be back later to check on you, and give you your meds,” he said getting up and leaving. I spent the rest of the day looking through the newspaper and looking at houses I couldn’t afford.

“Anything interesting?” I jumped at the sound of Dr. Fitzgerald’s voice. I shook my head. “Andreas” he said as I sighed.

“No” I said as he smiled.

“That’s better, here are your pills, and I was talking with a lot of other doctors and they think you can be released tomorrow”

“Tomorrow?” I swallowed. I could tell I had a fearful look on my face because Dr. Fitzgerald’s face went from happy to sad.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have anywhere to stay,” I whispered.

“I’ll help you,” he said as I looked at him.

“How?”

“You’re going to say the night at my house, pack what you’d like from here and I’ll meet you here in forty-five minutes” he said as I just stared at him in shock, even after he was long gone. I couldn’t believe a doctor had just told me he would take me to his home. I got up and stared at the walls. I didn’t have anything here that I wanted so it wasn’t hard. I just sat and looked at the ceiling still trying to find a logical explanation for what was happening.

I looked at the doorway when Dr. Fitzgerald approached.

“From now on call me Pat,” he told me as we left the building together. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head, what if Carsten came to see me, and I was gone? How was I going to get close to talking with Corina? But the biggest one was: How am I going to get my life back?