I Miss You.

The initial panic that overwhelms Rian when he answers the phone to Zack’s sobbing mother is somewhat ridiculous, the boy thinks.

“Rian, is Zack with you?”

“No, why? He wasn’t in class today, either.”

“Oh, God. Do you –do you think you could come over soon? With Alex and Jack?”

“I don’t see why I couldn’t. Why, what’s happening?”

“I wish I knew.”

Which is how Rian ends up driving with a nervous, teary expression, with Alex and Jack sitting in the backseat holding hands, exchanging worried glances every now and then.

They pull up outside the Merrick household, and Zack’s mother stands waiting for them on the porch, her eyes filled with unshed tears. She ushers them inside and into the sitting room, gesturing for them to sit.

“You say Zack wasn’t in class today?” She asks in such a shaky voice, it fills Rian with panic all over again.

“No, he should’ve been with me all day, and he wasn’t.” Rian explains, and watches the way her eyes seem to fill with yet more tears.

She glances down at a cardboard box beside her feet that Rian had failed to notice before –perhaps because of his nerves, he’s unsure- and plucks a folded letter from within.

“I’d... I’d like you all to see this.” She says, holding it out to Rian. He takes it from her, only now realizing how badly he’s shaking; the paper wavers uncontrollably in his hands and he struggles to keep it still enough to make out the words.

Alex eventually takes it from him and holds it out, although he’s shaking almost as badly as Rian is. He takes it upon himself to read it out, although he really wishes he hadn’t about two sentences in.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. I couldn’t take it anymore.” Alex reads, swallowing hard and he fights back tears. “I’m sorry for putting you through this, and I’m sorry for making you all hurt. But, I have to leave. I have to just... get away. I’m sorry for not telling you, and making you worry about me. Not like any of you noticed. You all have tapes; they’re in the box with this letter. I’d like you to listen to them alone first, because the message is for you and you alone. Talk about them all you want afterwards, but please, don’t play them to anyone else. Hand out the ones you need to in class. Don’t tell anyone what’s happened. Please don’t forget me. X, Zachary.”

When Alex stops reading, he notices that everyone in the room is in tears. Zack’s mother is in near hysterics, as if hearing her son’s goodbye out loud makes it all the more real. His father has his arm around her shoulders, and Alex notes the tears on his cheeks. Rian’s sobbing silently next to him, Jack trying and failing to keep back his tears.

“You all have tapes,” His father explains, voice watery, “they’re in here. There are ones for some of the people at school, too. Do you think you could pass them out?”

Rian nods, numbness drowning his senses as he reaches out, blinded by his tears and tugs the box closer to him. He opens it carefully, revealing a collection of neatly organized tapes.

He plucks them all out, reading the names at least twice as he places them on the table.

‘Evan Kirkendall.’

‘Kara Diakoulas.’

‘Cassadee Pope.’

‘Alex Gaskarth.’

Upon seeing his name, Alex flinches back, reaching over and picking up the rectangle of plastic in trembling fingers. Jack rubs his back, only gearing himself up for his own tape.

‘Matthew Flyzik.’

‘Mom and Dad.’

Zack’s father picks up the tape from the table and holds it out to his wife, who just stares at it and starts to cry harder.

‘Lisa Ruocco.’

‘Danny Kurily.’

‘Nate Novarro.’

‘Victoria Asher.’

‘Jack Barakat.’

Jack swallows hard and leans forward, taking the tape from the table and holding it tight in his hand. Alex rubs the back of his hand with his thumb as Rian continues on.

‘Vincent Petrocelli.’

‘Rian Dawson.’

He stops, brown eyes staring down at the tape in his hands; the last tape. He swallows, looks up at everyone else to find they’re all looking at him.

“I’m... I’m going to go listen to this in the car.” Rian says, forcing himself to his feet, the tape held tightly in his hand. Zack’s mother nods, and as he stumbles blindly down the hall, he hears her mention something about a tape player Alex could use.

He throws himself into the driver’s seat, for once in his life thankful that his junky old birthday present of a car was one of those old types that still had tape decks. He pushes the tape in cautiously, tentatively pressing the ‘play’ button.

He doesn’t know why, but the sound of Zack’s voice makes him cry and smile at the same time, despite the situation.

“Hey, Ri.”

The instant familiar warmth of Zack’s voice overwhelms Rian, and he remembers how to breathe after a second.

“I suppose you’re getting one of these because it’s mainly down to you that I’m leaving.” Rian’s heart just about stops. “But don’t think it’s directly your fault, because it isn’t. You weren’t to know, you were just clueless. And I... I guess I was love struck and stupid.”

“I suppose I’m leaving because it hurts too much to stay. It hurts more than you can even begin to think to see you with Cassadee, even though I know she makes you happy. Happier than I could ever have made you. And I guess I should have learnt to accept that, but I couldn’t. The more I saw you two together, the more it seemed to hurt, and it became more and more obvious you were never going to notice, so long as you were with her.”

Rian stares out of the windscreen, the tears he’d almost managed to slow returning faster than before.

“I suppose I should be happy for you, right? That’s what you’d want. But, I just couldn’t be, Ri, do you understand that? I was always taught that love shouldn’t hurt this much, but I still thought I was in love, because in my eyes, you could do no wrong, you were always nice to me, always acted like you cared, like I was the most important thing in your life. You made me feel wanted, Ri, like someone wanted me in their life. And I know it was only for a short time, but you’ll never know how much that meant to me.”

“And if you remember me for one thing, remember that I loved you, okay? And I know I’m probably scaring you with all this past tense, but please don’t worry –I’m not dead. Just leaving. Don’t try to contact me, or come after me –I don’t want you to waste your time on me. Be sure to remind Cassadee every day that you love her, and I hope she realizes one day that she has the best boyfriend anyone could want. So, goodbye, Rian. Love you.”

The tape cuts there, and Rian pauses for a second, trying to compute in his brain everything Zack has just explained to him.

And when it clicks in his mind, he bursts into more tears, folding his arms onto the steering wheel and resting his forehead against them, sobbing hard.

He stops for a moment, but only to rewind the tape back to the start so he can listen again, very firmly not thinking about the fact that this could be the last time he ever hears Zack’s voice. And that thought –that thought scares him more than he ever thought possible.

He fumbles for his phone, struggling with his keypad as he dials speed dial one. His screen changes quickly to ‘Dialling –Zack (Mobile)’ and he chews at his lip while the tone rings and rings. He gets no answer, and so hangs up and tries again.

Zack tries to ignore the persistent vibrating in his pocket as he sits on the cold airport chairs, staring up at the ‘Departures’ screen overhead. He’s looking at one particular flight; his flight to be exact. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do when he lands, really, just that he has to get away from this town.

His phone starts to vibrate again in his pocket right as his announcement sounds.

‘All flights to London Heathrow are now boarding – would all passengers please move towards the appropriate gate as quickly as possible. Thank you.’

Right before Zack boards the plane, when he pulls his phone out of his pocket to turn it off, he checks his missed calls. Fifteen. All from Rian.

Just as he presses the button to shut down his phone, it vibrates again.

‘1 new message: Rian (Mobile)’

Zack bites his lip, frowning at the screen, but pressing the ‘read’ button anyway. He immediately wishes he hadn’t; his throat goes dry and his eyes water. He blinks furiously, tears collecting in the corners of his already-reddened hazel eyes.

“I love you too. Please don’t go.”

Zack reads it over and over, as if trying to understand the seven words written on the screen before him. He squeezes his eyes shut, sitting down in his assigned seat and fastening his seatbelt.

He looks at his phone for a second longer, before returning a short reply.

“No, you don’t. Not the way I love you. I’m sorry.”

And with that, he shuts his phone down, pops the battery out and pushes both parts deep within his pockets.

He’s not going back; not now, and maybe not ever.