Love Shows When It's There

It clicked. I was staring at Alex for a good hour before what had happened clicked. When standing up and sitting down, he bit his lip and pain flickered in his eyes for just a brief second. When walking, he was ever so slightly limping but to see it, you really had to look for it. Once again, after five years of being free from it, he relapsed. And I couldn't be mad at him. Because I know why he did it.

God it was my fault. I know it. If I'd just kept my mouth shut, Alex wouldn't be dying inside and we would be talking. And his nightmare from the night before just made me feel worse. I caused the pain he was feeling and no amount of kisses, or cuddles or nights of happiness could even begin to take his pain away. And that made me feel pathetic. What kind of a boyfriend does that?

Alex looked lost, sad and a little bit like a kicked puppy but he wouldn't let me close enough to fix it. He made sure I felt horrible and Goddamn I deserved it. Believe me, I knew it more than anyone. I just wanted to fix it though. I just wanted to fix him.

Unable to bear it anymore, I ran upstairs and into mine and Alex's room, and grabbed my guitar, sitting on the floor. I grabbed a notepad and pen and jotted down some lyrics before beginning to strum, knowing where I wanted to go with it.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you!"

I put the guitar down and sighed softly.

"J...Jay?" I heard a small timid voice say from the door. I looked up to see Alex with tears glistening in his eyes.
"Lex," I sighed back, tears filling mine.
"I... ne-eed help," he said, beginning to sob.
"C'mere," I said, standing up and walking over to him. I wrapped my arms tightly around him. "I'm here baby. I love you, okay? Everything I said? I truly didn't mean it. I am beyond sorry. You are worth everything, and you need to hear this. I know it hurts and you're sad and scared, I know. But I'm right here and I'm never going anywhere. I promise you that."

"Am... Am I truly worth all of this?" he asked me, hugging into me.
"Yes baby. You are worth it. You are so special Alex. Never think for even a minute that you don't matter because you do. You deserve the best. In everything. I truly mean it. I love you so so much. I don't deserve you, even a little, but I'm gonna be here every single step of the way until you are better. I promise," I told him.
"I love you Jay. I really do forgive you for what happened," he told me.
"I love you too Lex. If I could take it all back, everything I said, I would. But if you want to, we can move on from it. And we can make sure that you get as better as you can. If you want to," I replied.
"I'd like that," he said, sniffing and nodding.
"Okay, then we'll do that," I told him, hugging him tighter.
"Can we cuddle in bed?" Alex asked me.
"Of course we can," I replied. I let go of Alex, kissed him lightly on the cheek and got into comfy's before Alex and I climbed into bed and he lay his head on my chest, sighing in content.

I wasn't gonna bring up the self harm. I wanted him to tell me when he was ready