No More Breath Inside

With a nervous gaze, James Owen Sullivan sat staring at the white painted walls of the doctor’s office. He examined the blue and pink floral printed banner of wallpaper near the ceiling on each wall, some slightly peeling. Lowering his eyes, he inspected his fingernails, between each finger; right where hers fit perfectly…

Shaking off the feeling that overwhelmed him, his gaze traveled to the white paper they put down for each patient. He moved back, creating a crinkle noise, drowning out the unbearable silence before him. Normally he’d bring someone along to the doctors; just someone to talk to. Perhaps Brian or even the short shit bassist, just to keep him company while the damn docs got his test results for whatever sore throat or stupid reason his girlfriend would make him come for. She’d always been a stickler for that sort of thing, wanting to ensure his health. If only she knew…

Just then the door burst open and in he stepped; the doctor he’d seen for years now, Doctor Lain. His dark hair was sprouting fine grey changes, his stubble was growing in, and he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days.

“James,” he said, “I have some bad news,” Jimmy inadvertently leaned forward and held his breath. “Your tests show what we hoped wasn’t true. Your cancer spread. You don’t have much time left,” He gave him a minute to allow this to settle as Jimmy’s eyes slowly lowered, tears filled the once bright blue orbs. “It’s set-in more. The pills we’ve given you have helped immensely, but they can’t fix you forever. We advise you to do Chemotherapy.”

Jimmy shook his head, “I’ll answer the same as I always do; no.” he swallowed shallowly, “How long do I have?”

Doctor Lain bit his cheek, “Not even a month. It can’t be promised, but we’re unsure. You could be gone any day or maybe weeks from now. Paranoia will set in and every day you’ll fear is your last. I suppose if you’re a religious man, it can be said that the Lord will take you when it’s needed.”

“There’s no need for that,” Jimmy stood, nodding at the doctor he’d known for several years, “Thanks for everything. This may be the last time we meet.”

They shook hands, “One last thing. We’ve refilled your prescription. Instead of one of the Oxycodone, take two. Keep on one Oxymorphone, and the Diazepam/Nordiazepam, keep to two.”

“Thank you, doc,” Jimmy placed the bottles in his pocket and exited the office completely, unlocking his car and once ready, pulling out of the cracked lot.

It was a long drive home for the drummer. He feared he wouldn’t remember the new house; his new condo he shared with his girlfriend, Aleece. Flicking the turn-signal, he pulled into a turning lane and arrived on the long road. A few miles straight, turn right on Superior and he’d be home. It was the fourth condo on the right side of the street. They’d moved in a month before and the housewarming party was fantastic…

That night he’d surprised his girlfriend with a walk down the street. A beach was more romantic but down the street was something spontaneous he’d come up with. And Jimmy was all about spontaneity. He led her back home, took her in the front yard and kissed her, got down on one knee and pulled out the ring box which had been bugging his thigh from his pocket the whole walk. Matt, Johnny, Brian, Zacky, the Berry twins, Val, Lacey, Gena, and Michelle had all been waiting by the fencepost in the side-yard.

That night she’d said yes. That night she was the future Mrs. Aleece Sullivan, and it was official. That night was one of Jimmy’s fondest memories. They’d known each other for years, dated for years, and now he couldn’t wait to call her his wife.

But that would have to wait longer. Maybe someday if Heaven allows it, they will marry, after her time is up of course. But maybe someday she’ll find what she needs; security. You can’t get security from a fiancée who lies about his terminal cancer.

The saddest thing? She doesn’t even know.

Jimmy shook it off, pulling into the nicely paved driveway, turning off the ignition, and going inside. The door was unlocked, as she said it would be. Aleece was in the kitchen, making brownies and the wonderful aroma nearly sent Jimmy drooling, though he composed himself and kept a straight walk to the kitchen.

“Oh hey sweetie,” Aleece greeted, kissing his lips softly, “Want one?” she held up a brownie with rainbow sprinkles on top. He realized it couldn’t hurt, and bit into it. “So how did it go at the doctors?” she licked the icing off her finger, the one that held the shining ring Jimmy had given her not even a month before, nearly teasing him as if spitting, “you won't be around long enough for that,” in his face. He bit his tongue but spoke.

“Fine,” He stated as he swallowed the last bite, “but we need to talk.”

Fear flashed in her eyes, a sight Jimmy wished to erase, but he took her hand and gently led her to the living room where they were surrounded by pictures of family and friends.

He breathed after they sat down, his head wasn’t ready for what lie ahead and his heart sure wasn’t either. “Jimmy, you’re scaring me.” She whispered.

Blue eyes met brown and he blinked back his tears, “So, remember how they put me on all those pills?” she nodded, “and the ones you asked about but I never replied?” again, a stiff nod, “you were so good at asking. You knew that if you needed to know, I would have told you,” he chuckled with no humor, “but those were heart pills.” He watched the wheels turning in her head, “I have an enlarged heart, darling. It’s something I’ve lived with,” She seemed to be satisfied, knowing that if he’d lived with it all these years, he would be fine. “But it’s not something I can live with much longer…” He hid back the knowledge of the cancer as well. An enlarged heart, he’d had for years. Terminal cancer? Something he hadn’t told the others about and didn’t plan to. So he’d lie, he’d made up his mind then.

A moment’s pause felt like a lifetime flashing before his eyes.

“Wh-what does this mean?” tears were falling slowly.

He took her small hands in his large ones, “I don’t even have a month left. They told me that the pills will prolong my time slightly, but I’ll be gone before the month is up.”

She sobbed loudly, hands clenched and pressed into her chest. The thought of living in a colorless world without Jimmy sent chills through her small frame. She was crying so hard, no breath escaped from her mouth. Jimmy’s arms instinctively wrapped themselves around her small frame, holding her as she rests her head on his shoulder. He pulled her into his lap, crying along with her. This wasn’t meant to happen. The band had just started the new album. Songs were written, chords played out, beats rang in his head, ready to be used. Sometimes there’s just not enough time.

They remained like that for some time, quieting each others gasps of pain, kissing, crying, screaming, but mostly breathing in the scent of life. Jimmy knew then what he had to do. Tonight was the night. He couldn’t put his loved ones through this. Not even an hour of knowing, and already someone was grieving so strongly; what a week would do, let alone a month. He couldn’t wouldn’t put his friends through that. Jimmy had felt it for weeks; the agony of knowing death is upon you, and once it has your scent, there’s not way out. He’d planned to finish his masterpiece and luckily he had. The last song he would ever write down was ready for the guys. They were going to change the world one lyric at a time.

He’d decided to give it to them later; they would receive it as not only a gift, but as a final farewell.

His eyes remained tear-stricken; he hadn’t stopped to wipe them away. Lackadaisically lifting his index finger, he wiped more tears from his love’s face. Eyes bloodshot, eyeliner and mascara bleeding, she looked into her fiancée’s eyes. She pressed her dainty, cold fingers to his left cheek, freezing him for a moment but not a moment long enough. If only they could remain holding each other for years, or even just a while longer. It broke his heart. Jimmy knew the hardships she’d have to face. He knew she wouldn’t want to live, but he knew she would. He knew she would go on to greater things, and he knew she would learn to love again.

He breathed in her scent, something of Victoria’s Secret body spray. “Sweetie,” he began again, the first time talking in an hour, “We can’t just sit here. We need to live.”

Aleece sobbed softly, “How can I live when you’re leaving at any time?”

“I still have some time. Come on. Let’s live it up.” A quote his friends claimed was his own. That’s what Jimmy was always doing; living it up. He was always the one who screamed too loud, swore too loud, danced around without a care, drove too fast, and lived too strong. The amount of life in one body was undeniably powerful; the most energy in the group, hands down, went to Jimmy. He always knew what he wanted out of life. Or, so his friends said. Did he really? Sometimes he didn’t even know. “Come on.”

Aleece fell into his arms again, shaking her head, “no.”

“Yes,” He insisted a bit too sternly. He was leaving and damn it, if he had to watch the love of his life mope around on the damn couch, he would off himself quicker.

She stood then, nodding and proceeding up the stairs where they readied themselves. She fixed her makeup, put on cuter clothes, and met Jim in the foyer.

Step one of the night: shopping.

More specifically a better ring. Jimmy took nearly twenty minutes picking it out, the size was perfect on her dainty finger and the diamonds glittered in the light. After tear-filled hugs and a purchase, they walked down the street, Aleece all the while staring at the glittering jewel.

Step two: dinner.

A nice restaurant was where they ate together, talking about anything. It was after they were done that Jimmy saw the glint in her eyes, the tears which had not escaped yet.

“Baby, don’t cry.” He hummed.

She nodded, smiling sadly through the single tear, “I know. I just don’t want to think about you…leaving.”

He nodded, paying for the food, and they walked out. The park was down the street and across the way, so that’s where he led her. They sat down on a bench by a pond and he put his arms around her small frame.

“You need to promise me something now, please?”

“Anything.” She spoke the words without thought.

“Promise me you’ll live.” She met eyes with him, “Just…breathe.” That’s all he had prepared, no long speech of goodbye, no tears and no joys or memories. No sappy love songs sang, no tickle-fight or some other corny shit they do in movies.

She nodded, swallowing, “I promise. But can we go do something?”

“Anything.” He laughed.

“Here,” And she led the way. When they stopped, Jimmy wasn’t surprised to be staring wide-eyed at a tattoo parlor.

She knew what she wanted, said she had one in mind. Jimmy intervened, asking if they could do one together. So they both tattooed the word “FOREVER” across their hips.

After the process was done, they tattooed each other’s name around their left hand ring finger, and then Aleece got something else.

“Jimmy, you can’t look, you can only hold my hand,” She instructed, at which Jimmy stuck his tongue out at, but obliged.

After it was done, Jimmy’s eyes welled up. Across her left forearm read the words he’d spoken an hour or so before, “Live…just breathe.”

The tattoos were paid for and they went back home where Jimmy took all the medication the doctor said. Every last one of the five pills. He grabbed the demo of his masterpiece, slid it in his pocket, and met his fiancé at the bottom of the stairs. They drove down to Matt’s house, where all of the guys were that night. Hands laced together, Jimmy hadn’t felt so alive. He’s full of contrast. So alive, but close to death.

They parked, got out, and knocked on Matt’s front door. When he opened, he pulled Jimmy’s girl into a tight embrace, something she’d needed and he knew it.

“Hey man.” Matt took his hand like they always did. “Come in, come in.” they were led inside, greeted by the guys. Long hugs, hellos, and beers.

“So, what brings you to Shads’ house?” Brian asked.

Jimmy took a while to think. Had he wanted to tell the others about his problem? Maybe…would he? No.

“Oh, just to say hi.” At that, Aleece met eyes with him again, curiosity striking him. He knew she wanted to tell them. He knew she needed to lessen the burden of this secret. He knew he couldn’t allow it.

The conversation grew, from music to the album to beers to food to their new tattoos.

“What’s that one’s meaning?” Zacky asked Aleece, pointing to her forearm that read the words Jimmy had spoken.

She smiled sadly, looking past Zacky and to her fiancé. “Just a small reminder to myself.”

They left it at that. Nice family time. Val got up to get more beers and Aleece followed, leaving Jimmy with the perfect opportunity.

He pulled the demo out of his jacket pocket.

“What’s that, bro?” Johnny questioned.

He smirked, handing it to the lead singer who raised a muscular arm to grab it. “It’s a new song of mine. My masterpiece. It’s called Death.”

Matt sent him a quizzical glance, “Death?”

He nodded, “yep. Don’t play it yet though. Wait till we leave or in the morning or something. I don’t want Aleece hearing it just yet,” They nodded, setting it down and conversing of the other songs which were written. Aleece and Val returned with the beers, handing one to each guy. “After this, you wanna go?” Jimmy asked Aleece who nodded.

The beer was downed quickly and they all said their goodbyes. Jimmy made sure to tell each and every one of them he loved them. It was a part of his farewell. He knew it was over for him, he couldn’t put them all through that.

As he walked off the porch step, his heart felt heavy and his mind blanked. He entered the car with his woman, drove down to the bar, and in they went for more beers.

Sitting at a booth was comfortable. He could clear his head while she sang softly to the music. He knew what needed to be done when they got home.

“Jimmy,” Aleece piped up after his fourth beer. Fourth beer at the bar that is. Sixth of the night, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” They kissed, tasting each other and living in the moment.

He drank another one down, standing and readying himself to leave. The drive home he took slow. Sure, his life was in danger but that didn’t mean he had to endanger the love of his life. When they were home, Jimmy wiped his sweating forehead and entered the house again.

“I’m going to turn on the news,” Aleece spoke, entering the living area. Jimmy sprinted off to the study, pulling out a pen and paper and sitting down for a half hour of silence. “What’cha doin?” he’d finished when she entered. He’d hid it in his back pocket and was now getting up. He changed the subject instead of answering.

“I’m tired, wanna go off to bed?” she nodded, stepping on the burgundy of the tile in the kitchen, nearly leaping to the staircase. Jimmy withdrew the note, the kitchen table its new home, and followed his fiancé up the staircase.

Every little thing she did, he loved. The way she carefully took her clothes off on this night, afraid to injure her tattoos, a way she was not accustomed to doing. He liked the way she slept in his wife beater and a pair of his boxers, that was a secret of his, always had been. It was something he found adorable. He pulled on a change of boxers, heaving his shirt off, and climbing under the covers of his bed.

Aleece snuggled close to him, the way she did every night. Her head found the perfect spot on his chest, leg on top of his, hand clutched tightly against her chest. He kissed the top of her head, breath uneven.

“Goodnight Jimmy. I had a wonderful day.”

He smirked, “As did I.”

Her fingers played with his hair, gently running through. “You know, I’m glad we lived it up.”

“Me too.”

“It’s worth that every day, you know.”

She giggled, “of course I know that, Jimmy. After being with you all this time, I sort of have to know that.” In the silence, he wondered if she remembered like he did. The way her lip twitched, eyes bulged and browns turned to hazel. He remembers what a few hours ago were the sounds of her sobbing. He knew the price he would pay and he knew the burden she’s bear. But he also knew that he had too much to drink that night. That he should have held back. Though, wasn’t that the point?

“You mean so much more than you know…” he whispered in her ear as she drifted to sleep. “I will love you forever. To hell and back, through death…” tears filled his blue orbs.

“I love you so much, baby. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’m a lucky girl. I can’t wait to wake up to your face again tomorrow.” She yawned, feeling the busy day taking its toll.

“Just remember…” he whispered as her breath evened, “Live. Just…breathe.”

She was asleep.

His body felt weak, shaking consumed him slightly, and a chill rose up and down his spine. A burning lit the pit of his stomach. He pushed it all back though, listening in on his fiancé’s even breaths. He took one: in…out. It was simple, really. So why was it so difficult? So why was his throat closing up? His vision blurred as he took in the form of his girl once more. He closed his eyes after blinking for the last time.

He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

~~~~~~

When Aleece woke, she hadn’t expected it. Not today, it wasn’t supposed to be today…

Jimmy’s smile was what she focused on when she slid out from under his arm, the way she did every morning. This was different. His body was inert. His lips were blue. She touched his finger, played with each of them for some time while she stared at the love of her life. His ring finger held an engagement ring, underneath it read ‘Aleece’ her name. Her name on such a talented, precious man’s finger. She gazed down at her own. The new ring she picked up from off the nightstand, covering the tattoo she’d gotten. His name, the name of a God, on her finger. Something unreal.

“Jimmy, time to wake up.” She spoke fragilely. She shook him lightly, eyes tracing the slight smile still on his lips, “Jimmy…” no movement. Tears filled her once dry eyes. “Jimmy!” Her hands pressed to his back, shaking him roughly, futilely. Her vision blurred and she pressed her lips to his cold, clammy back. Her fist clenched tightly, hitting the drummer’s back. She screamed, pulling at her phone and dialing the first number she saw; Zacky Baker.

“Hello?” he answered groggily, curiosity plaguing his tone. She couldn’t speak. Her throat closed up temporarily, “Aleece? Hey…” She played with Jimmy’s dark hair as she heaved a reply.

“Zacky…” she groaned, sobbing uncontrollably now, “J-Jimmy…he-he’s…Zacky he’s gone.”

She could hear the covers of Zacky’s bed moving as he likely sat up, “What!? Like ran away or just gone?”

“N-no.” her voice shook and she rocked back and forth, “he’s d-dead.”

Silence; a nothingness Aleece would soon grow accustomed to. “I’ll be right over.”

She hung up after the dial tone played monotonously. She didn’t change, she didn’t move. She just stared. Jimmy’s chest didn’t raise and fall. His eyes didn’t open. He didn’t sit straight up and yell ‘gotcha!’ as she’d so hoped.

It had taken him. The pills. The disease. The problems. They plagued him, as did the alcohol. She may have known what did her fiancé in, sure. She wished not believe he was gone. She wished it were a dream. She pushed away the knowledge that clung to her; she now lived in a world without Jimmy. For a moment, she opened her bloodshot eyes. No color filled them, no bright smile of the lovable drummer, no laughter nor any sound heard. Suddenly the bedroom she’d been lucky enough to share with him wasn’t perfect. Her heart wasn’t at peace, but she’d so hoped his was.

Zacky broke in the door. She didn’t come downstairs when he knocked, so he took it upon himself to break it off the hinges, just to dart upstairs and into the silent bedroom his best friend shared with his fiancé. Zacky fell to his knees when he saw. The large man was sprawled on the bed, as if he’d slept for days. The covers tangled around his long legs. His hand placed in Aleece’s and his heart no longer beating.

Tears fell to the hardwood floor, which was when Aleece left her fiancé’s side. She knelt with Zacky, held him and let the tears drain once more.

The calls came next; to the band members after the police. Zacky made coffee as the guys were on their way. He wouldn’t let Aleece back upstairs so she sat at the kitchen table, staring at the wood. He’d had to carry her, pull her away from his body, just to get her downstairs.

“Aleece?” his voice came out strained, “There’s a note here,” He held it up; something he hadn’t known was in Jimmy’s hand only hours before.

She snatched it slowly with an unstable hand, opening the folded note and reading its contents, more salty tears trailing from her eyes.

“My dearest Aleece, this may be sudden, I know, but I’m leaving this for when I’m gone. It’s nothing much, I’ve made a will up months ago. But this is just for your thoughts. I know it’ll be hard, and I know you don’t think you can survive without me. Believe in yourself for once. Believe that you can live for the both of us. I’ve written something for everyone. It’s on a demo and I hope one day the world will be changed by the contents of that song. It’s called Death. Please don’t regret a day we’ve spent together. Please don’t look back and wonder why. Just…live. Keep this safe at home, don’t carry it around, it will only weigh you down. Shoot for the stars, my fiancé. You never know when you’ll find what you’re looking for. I want you to fall in love again. Maybe not now, but someday. I don’t want you stuck in a lonely path; you’re too young for that. Please don’t forget me, I’ll be watching down on everyone, you better believe that. I’m in everything you do. Don’t push everyone away, you’ll all grow stronger together, I can feel that. You’ll have the guys and if that’s not enough, go to the fans. I know they’ll need someone right now. We could all use somebody. Move in with someone for a while, I don’t want you alone. Remember, when you’re feeling sad about this, just look up and know that the stars are holding me tonight, they need a turn too. I love you with all that I am, all that I’m not, and all that I could have been. Live. Just breathe. –Jimmy.”

Zacky, who had been reading over her shoulder, now held her as sobs racked through her small body. She found comfort as the others joined them; Johnny, Brian, Matt, and Val all entered, embracing with bloodshot eyes.

She stood after seeing her friends cry, tossing the note down and stumbling drunkenly up the stairs and to their bedroom. “Jimmy! We can’t move on without you! Teach me how to live!” she screamed, face red and fists clenched. She pounded on the bed, grabbing a hoodie of his and breathing in the scent. The others stood behind her, staring sadly at the scene before them. Johnny pushed past Matt who stood sobbing as well; in all the years they’d known each other, Johnny didn’t think he’d seen Matt cry so hard. He knelt down with Aleece, rough hands tracing imaginary pictures on her shoulder. After some struggle, he got her to bury her head in his chest. His legs sprawled out, setting her in his lap and rocking her. “No. No!” her voice rang out for minutes. Screaming turned to mutters and she soon quieted down, placing her hands on his cheek and standing. With that, she breathed and proceeded to hug the others. The next hours would be the hardest of Aleece’s life.

That’s how the days went. They’d taken Jimmy’s body out of there. She’d dealt with the funeral. Everyone gathered; friends, band members, co-workers, other bands, parents, siblings, family. Brian read beautiful words and held her when she cried. Jimmy’s casket was near impossible for her to view, but she did it anyway because she knew that’s what Jimmy would have wanted. He still looked as handsome as ever. There wasn’t a lifeless look to him, as others look when they’re deceased. Jimmy could never look lifeless, even in death. She should have known that. Even in death Jimmy still had more life in him than most. That thought alone made Aleece smile; a real smile for the first time in days.
Aleece found it impossible to walk in their room alone. On the last occasion before Zacky took her to stay with him, he’d found her kneeling in the doorway, sobbing, screaming. She could still see him, she’d said. She’d see Jimmy’s inert figure lying there. She would try talking to him, but he wouldn’t reply. Zacky knew something had to be done then. She found comfort in her friends; well, as much as possible. She knew she’d always look at the tattoos they got the last night he was breathing, and remember. She’d remember it all. The way he breathed, how his laugh lit up a dull day, his smile lit up a room, his kisses illuminated her heart, his drumming touched her soul and how his existence changed the world.

She was living with Zacky for now, as he’d insisted, clothes wrapped neatly up and hung in a closet. She still wore his shirt to bed, as well as his boxers. She’d taken little pieces of him in everything she did.

The day Zacky and Matt walked into her new room, she wasn’t ready. They spoke of how it was time and how it would put closure to this situation; but she knew better. There was never closure; she’d think of him daily. They nearly forced her to do it; to listen to Death (now entitled Fiction). They sat with her while she heard; she couldn’t stop crying. They held her hands, they touched her skin, and they made her comfortable. But when she heard her fiancé’s voice again, she heard the pain, and how his speech was slightly slurred. The first time she heard it was the last time in months. She couldn’t bring herself to listen to such pain again. So she chose not to. But when she least expected it, lyrics floated into her head. “I hope it’s worth it, here on the highway. I know you’ll find your own way when I’m not with you.” Or “All this hurt can finally fade. Promise me you’ll never feel afraid.”

Every night, she whispered to him, secrets of the day, telling him things she wished he’d seen. What she hadn’t known was he’d seen it all, he’d watched, as he said he would. And at night, when she could swear she heard him whisper, or felt his arms around her, he would never tell her, but she wasn’t hallucinating.

At night, she’d dream of that last night. The last things they’d done, the last looks or kisses or sayings he’d had. She’d remember every last detail, because it was all she had to hold onto. Because it was all she wished to remember…

And in the end, it was the memories that kept Jimmy alive, as it would be for the rest of her life, as well as others he’d reached out to.

And as she lie there, pale moonlight shining through the window, she knew, oh how she knew; Jimmy jumped into life and never touched bottom.

“Goodnight Jimmy…” she held her breath, still unaccustomed to the silence, still waiting for a reply that she would never get. But she had hope. He lived in her. He lived in them all, in a special way, it just takes a moment to see...

I know you’ll find your own way when I’m not with you tonight.