Skyless

Her voice echoed in my head. The words played over and over, that they didn't even make sense anymore.

I turned over in my bed, darkness drowning me. I felt a pang of despair stab me in the chest because of the empty spot next to me. Yet again, I let her slip away from me.

It had been a week since we got home. Not once did she call, text, nothing. No matter how many text messages I sent, or voicemails I left. I saw her once at Blooms since then.

I saw her walking. I wanted to run up to her to kiss her and hold her.

"Lacie!" I called. She looked straight at me. I panicked, looking for some kind of clue of emotion as to why she was doing this...this running away from me. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes looked sad, like I was the one running away.

"Lacie!" I called again, and she turned away and ran back to join her little group. I stood there, standing in the parking lot, trying to figure out, what I did wrong.

I sat up. Sleep was going to be impossible.

"What did I do?" I whispered it aloud. I thought of all the things I did since the last night to the evening we said goodbye the next day.

I thought about that night, the last night.

The way my feelings had burst.

The way I kissed her, so gentle because I was afraid she'd break away from me.

I thought about the way I had unzipped her little black dress, the curve of her delicate body. I had touched it ever so slightly with shaking hands, I didn't want to lose control. It was already so hard to resist her incredibly beautiful body. I only lost my control that night on the beach, when we skinny dipped.

I remember her concern the last night. The way she said, "Just tell me." And I told her everything that was blockading my mind at that moment.

I remember her tears, the tears that fell because of me. But they were always because of me, I always did everything wrong.

I remember their distant salty taste in my mouth.

After I brought up a memory from a distant past, which seems like a totally different lifetime from now, we fell asleep, tangled in love and lost in our goodbyes.

She had her head on my chest. I kissed her forehead, cheek, lips, until she fell asleep. I matched my breathing with hers and kissed her one last time, I'm not sure if she was awake, but I thought I could feel her kiss back with the little energy she had left.

I fell asleep with her in my arms, wearing my clothes, my face hiding in her hair, where I could breathe in her perfect scent.

The next morning I kissed her good morning. We left for the airport late in the afternoon, she was still hella tired.

We barely talked, we held hands that's about it. I tried to pull her close, but she just rested her head on my shoulder, I'm not even sure she was interested that it was me holding her.

After we boarded the plane--a 5 hour flight--I let her fall asleep on my shoulder. When she woke up, we talked. I didn't do anything to upset her, right?

"I like the way the clouds look along the sunset." I had forgotten about the time change on our way to California.

I smiled, watching her admire the little picture outside her plane-side window. I wrapped my arms around her.

She spoke again, her voice like silk, "I wanna be out there, in the clouds. Just flying."

I rested my chin on her shoulder and closed my eyes, thinking about everything my life had scarred me with so far.
"I wanna know what it's like to be free." I laughed at myself. "I sound like a fag."

She looked back, hope flashing across her face, "No you don't, trust me."

I kissed the top of her ear and pulled away. I faced the opposite way, slouching in my seat.

She waited a couple minutes before speaking again, "Why do you do that?"

I didn't turn my head when I spoke, "Do what?" My tone was distant.

"That!" She pointed at me, poking me in the shoulder.

I looked away, unable to meet her smiling eyes. I felt her lean on me, "When you sit there, and you think about something. You're totally distant, but your eyes are so...sad."

I didn't really know what to say, I looked down. "I didn't think people noticed.."

"Oh, I've noticed. You always do that. It makes me sad when I see you like that."

"Why?" I smiled, cupping her face in my hands.

She didn't answer, but she didn't need to. She did the same thing, so I didn't need an answer, because I already knew.

I dropped my hands into her lap. I played with her fingers, listening to her hum to an unknown melody. I closed my eyes inhaling her scent, letting her voice whisper in my ear.

"Do you know how much I love you?" She whispered.

I shook my head.

She pressed her forehead into mine, our noses touched. I looked into her gorgeous sea-green eyes.

"Tell me." I smiled, keeping one hand in hers and I moved the other to her cheek.

"I can't." She said softly, her tone flat.

My smiled dropped. She saw it because hers dropped too. Quickly she added, "Because you're too good for words," in the same soft voice.

Too good for words? She must've been crazy. She must not have known me at all. I looked down at myself. And I had thought about all the things that made me, me.

"I'm a dumbass," I said.

She looked at me. "Hidden genius," She corrected.

"Man whore."

"Flirt."

"Pussy."

"Delicate."

"Emo."

"Sensitive."

I laughed, "Fag."

She rolled her eyes.

"Hurt," I added.

"Physically or emotionally?"

"Both."

"Torn." She said with a tang of sorrow on her tongue.

"Depressed."

"You hide it, well."

"Liar." I included.

She looked at me her mouth dropped a little at the obvious truth.

"Jerk." I said.

"Your own views."

"Self-centered."

She hesitated, "Self-Appreciated."

"Moody."

"A sign that you have emotions."

"Uh," I bit my lip, "A waste of your time."

"Too good for my time."

"Clueless."

"Lost."

"Dangerously obsessed."

"With what?" She asked.

"You, sweetie." I placed my index finger on her cute little nose.

"Love."

I smiled at her correction.

I jerked up from my thoughts to find my phone vibrating on the table. I sighed a breath of relief.
I picked it up, "Hello?" I mumbled.

"Classic Harvey answer." She laughed.

"Roxi." I smiled. There was something about her that made me happy. I'm not sure if it was because she was best friends with Lacie or if it was just her.

"Um okay, faggot. Look I know this is all weird 'cause I'm callin' you, but don't fuckin' get used to it."

"Alright," I said. Roxi was still Roxi. Hating my guts.

"What's been up with Lacie. What the fuck did you do?"

"What makes you think I did anything?"

She laughed sarcastically, "I know you did something."

"I fell in love with her. What is wrong with that," It wasn't until now did I realize I was speaking with no emotion in my voice.

She was silent for a minute. "Bullshit. She likes you, a lot. She wouldn't act this way if you guys were 'in love'."

"Well don't ask me! We haven't talked since last week. I've been sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong!" My tone was still emotionless. What is wrong with me?

"Well," Her voice was soft, I swear I thought she was about to say something nice. "You better fucking figure it out."

I sighed. The silence between us was awkward.

"Okay. Whatever, if you're gonna blame me then, I gotta go." Vile in evry word. No way was I going to take shit from Lacie's best friend. I didn't have the patience to deal with her immature crap.

"'Kay bye." I heard her smile over the phone. She hung up before I could slip another cuss word.

It was weird for her to talk to me. She hated the fuck outta' me since I first went out with Lacie and for no reason too! She never had anything nice to say.

I thought back to the one day in guitar class, it was the end of the year, our second to last day. I was talking to Lacie about something that happened in Communications class. We were just friends then.

I remember the perfect curve of her body that I memorized, explored with my own hands, the light pink blush on her soft cheeks, her smile that brightened up my day. And her sparkling, sea-mimicked eyes. She was standing there, watching my every move as I explained the story.

In a moment, Roxi rushed in, taking my girl in her arms.

"Excuse me," I said sarcastically. "I was talking."

"Too fuckin' bad!" She said still holding Lacie in her arms, who was now laughing.

"Why are you so mean to me?" She let go of her as soon as I started talking. And I couldn't not notice Lacie's cute smile as Roxi and I yelled at each other.

"Everyday it's 'Go back to the zoo'!" Haha, Roxi had this joke, she called me a gorilla. Every time she saw me, she'd yell out "The gorilla escaped from the zoo!" Please, in the name of God, don't question why.

"That's because it's true!" Roxi threw her arms in the air. And Lacie just smiled not sure whose side to take.

I smiled at the what-felt-like a distant memory. I got out of bed, literally jumping. I put on a pair of skinny jeans over my boxers. Picked out a random shirt, a Fox shirt. Alright. I slipped it on walking to my mirror.

"Ugh," I sighed. I hated myself. I'm so ugly. I messed up my dark brown, shaggy hair, thank God I took a shower this morning, and had already straightened my hair. I ran my fingers through it.

I looked down on the ground for my shoes. My old Vans would have to do. I pushed open my window, in a hurry to get my ass out of this house, where everything I wanted to forget clung to my room like nobody's business.

Luckily, I had a tiny house and I was on the main floor. I jumped about a foot landing in the wet grass. What to do on a perfect night like this? Money in my pocket, looks chicks think I have, cell phone in hand, and skills like a man whore.
Okay, scratch that. I am the man whore.