Hand of Blood

I watched Matt closely as he slowly walked over to me, sitting down on the ground where Kayla hand been just a moment before. His gaze had fallen from mine, just as Kayla's had, but he seemed a little more relaxed than she had been in some way. His expression was still blank as he watched the ground. Instinctively I tried to roll onto my side to stop my neck from being in such an awkward position, but ended up just fighting with my own body. I couldn't ask the impossible of it, just yet. I sighed in frustration as my gaze turned back to the ceiling, deciding I would have to stay on my back.

After a moment I felt Matt shuffling closer to the sofa. I awkwardly turned my head to the side to watch as he leaned up against the side of it, resting his head against the arm just above my head. It made it even harder to look at him, considering he was now pretty much behind me. None the less, my eyes followed him as best they could, watching him with curiosity as we now sat inches apart. I felt a shock move through me as his eyes suddenly connected with mine, their expression matching those on his face. Blank. Perhaps he knew it too, because his gaze quickly fell away from mine and I slowly returned to face the ceiling in response. We sat like that for a while until Matt's soft voice broke the silence.

"I... Won't ask how you're feeling, because Kayla's probably grilled you already," he whispered, his tone just as empty as he appeared. I couldn't help but question where it had come from, and what had made him that way. After all, I was okay now. It was over.

"I'm fine, Matt," I said lightly in reply to his comment, feeling I needed to respond rather than killing his attempt at conversation. It was almost like he was asking that much of me. I suddenly felt like I had to work him out of this icy state that he had been in for who knows how long. It just wasn't him, and I was the one to blame.

I noticed Matt slowly shake his head. "Fine meaning not fine, right?" He mumbled, somewhat bitterly. I tilted my head back to look at him, a light frown taking over my face at his negative attitude. Matt noticed my movement and turned to me, our gaze meeting briefly. Just a second later he had turned away again, unable to keep the contact. He wasn't quick enough for me to not catch his cold exterior slipping away at my obvious disappointment. Maybe this would be easier than I had originally thought.

"Sorry," Matt murmured quickly, his voice still low as he genuinely sounded guilty.

I made a puzzled face and glanced back up at him again. "What for?" I asked lightly, not having a clue what was going through my friends head right now. I needed him to talk to me, and tell me what he was thinking. It currently wasn't working out that way.

After another blank moment he shrugged turned back to me as we locked eyes again. In that glance I could almost feel my world falling down around me as Matt's shield finally fell and let me in. It was exactly what I could see in that troubled gaze; hopelessness and enough guilt to last a life time. It wasn't his fault though. None of it was. He shouldn't feel this way. It was slightly frustrating and concerning at the same time.

Our gaze stayed fixed together, still inches apart as I demanded my neck stick with the pain. After a moment Matt's hand timidly moved forward to stroke some hair from my face, before falling back to his side again with an inward sigh. He just couldn't find the words, it seemed.

After another silence, that I couldn't deny was awkward, Matt cleared his throat to break the still air. His eyes fell away from mine for a moment in nervousness, before flickering back.

"Could I... I mean, would you mind if I...?" He tried lightly, struggling with his words. He sighed at himself and sat up straighter, pointing over me to the space behind on the sofa as my eyes followed him curiously.

I smiled faintly as Matt ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes falling from me again. "Sure," I said softly, allowing my smile to shine in my tone, before attempting to shuffle my body a little further to the edge of the sofa. It was a decent enough size, but with me lying on my back it would be a little more of a squeeze than it would be usually.

Matt's eyes fell back onto me almost thankfully that I hadn't decided to reject him, and he quickly pulled himself to his feet. A few moments later he had slowly and carefully climbed over me, lying on his side in the space on my right with his back pressed against the cushions of the sofa. I noticed he was holding his body up, not allowing himself to relax for fear of putting too much pressure against me. I watched him in question as he looked over me nervously, almost afraid that the slightest touch would shatter me. To be honest, he was probably right to think so; it would probably feel that way to me, but I didn't want him to think that. I didn't really care.

"Matt, relax," I said quietly, smiling up at him faintly. He glanced down at me curiously before my words make recognition in his thoughts. He glanced away sheepishly, chuckling quietly at my weak words of comfort, before starting to readjust himself on the sofa.

After a few careful shuffles and the odd mumbled apology, I heard a content sigh escape Matt's lips as his head rested into the extra cushion beside me, his muscles finally loosening up as he sunk into the soft material. A smile crept across my face from the fact it felt almost normal again. Matt was almost himself, though timid as always. I glanced upwards again to see that he had lightly closed his eyes, his face turning into the pillow beside me. A calmness sweeping through me, I turned back to face the ceiling and allowed my own eyelids to flutter closed.

We stayed like that for endless minutes, which seemed to span into forever, although I knew it hardly was. It was nice, though, just being for a while. The previous awkward silence was completely gone, now replaced by Matt's regular and relaxed breathing floating through the air, and the odd noise from the front of the bus making me smile to myself, despite the split in my bottom lip. I was getting through this now. I would simply continue to ignore everything bad and focus on the good. I would focus on moments like these.

I heard Matt take a deep breath as he shuffled a little, apparently forgetting everything too as he made himself more comfortable. I glanced back up at him as his eyes stayed shut, suggesting to me he was slipping into sleep and was simply a little uncomfortable. I smiled faintly as I watched him fidgeting in amusement. The amusement quickly faded as his hand lightly fell down to rest on my stomach.

I instantly flinched as shock waves shot through my body, letting a small whimper seep out of my throat as I winced in pain. My body instinctively tried to arch away from his touch, and it must have caught his attention.

"Shit, sorry," I heard a quick mumble from Matt, his hand quickly retracting from my skin. I opened one of my now tightly closed eyes to meet his wide gaze which had suddenly turned a lot darker, accompanied by a slight drowsiness. I shook my head slowly as I inhaled deeply and pushed the pain out of my thoughts, my gaze fully meeting with Matt's now concerned expression.

"It's fine," I managed to reply lightly, chewing on my lip as I slowly let my body relax back into the cushions beneath me.

Matt's gaze never left me as he frowned, his eyes falling down over my body. "It hurts that much?" He asked sadly, his gaze staying on my stomach for a moment before drifting back to my eyes. I nodded slightly in response, lacking anything better to say. I watched as Matt slightly pulled himself up to rest on his elbow, bringing his body higher than mine as he looked down on me. He was suddenly nervous again, I could tell.

"Can I... See?" He asked carefully, eyes searching mine for confirmation and any sign of doubt. I bit down on my bottom lip before glancing down, speaking with my action rather than anything else. My gaze moved back to Matt's and he seemed to take the hint, because a moment later his hand timidly returned to the bottom of my shirt. He slowly pulled back the dark material to below my ribcage, being careful not to make contact with the skin again.

I heard Matt breath in sharply as my eyes stayed fixed on his figure examining me, rather than myself. I didn't want to see the pain; I could feel it easily enough, though I couldn't help but feel a little intrigued. I had already pictured in my head what I would see across my body.

"... Whoa," Matt breathed, his eyes transfixed with my lower torso. I frowned as his voice trailed off, before timidly glancing down my figure to see the damage for myself. My eyes grew wide as they settled over the deep purple bruises sprawling out across my pale skin, barely leaving any space that wasn't harmed. I swallowed hard as I felt a little panic creep through me. That was pretty bad, right?

"That would... Explain the pain," I whispered, almost lost for words at my own state. Whatever I imagined, it hadn't quite been that. I was shocked to say the least.

Matt's eyes shifted to connect with mine simultaneously as he slowly moved back up to his previous place beside me. His expression and hollow gaze in that second nearly bought tears to my eyes. He looked so hurt and guilty. He looked so sorry. In that one glance my perfect moment was well and truely broken, and I wanted nothing more to repair it. I wanted to beg and plead for Matt not to feel that way, but I knew he couldn't. He felt responsible for me, though I really couldn't place why. I honestly wish he didn't.

"What... What did he do to you?" Matt spoke softly, shattering my thoughts as my gaze stayed transfixed with his. It was killing me to look into those questioning eyes. I couldn't take it anymore; I had to get away from them, but I couldn't move. I could feel my frustration building as I desperately tore my eyes from Matt's and looked away, my mind already settled on my way out.

I took a deep breath and clenched my jaw to prepare myself for the impact. After a moments hesitation, I quickly pulled my body onto its side following my eye line, pain searing through my skin as I did so. I closed my eyes tightly as I tried to ignore it, and swallowed back the tears that had started to form. With my back now facing Matt, I could avoid his gaze, but I now had something worse than that. I could hear his breath suddenly caught in his throat, and the deathly silence following.

"... What?" I mumbled back confused, my voice shaking uncontrollably. The pause was killing me as Matt remained silent beside me.

I glanced down as I suddenly felt his fingertips lightly dancing across my skin that was still on show, the ripples of pain being pushed to the back of my senses as I tried to work out what was going on. My heart stopped as it hit me. I remembered precisely what would be in the spot on my side and back that Matt was currently fascinated by. It was where Alex had kicked me the moment I fell to the ground. The moment before I made my phone call. The moment before my life had been determined to be just that. Life. Without that phone call everything would have been so much different. I could still be on that street at this second. I could still be alone. The very thought was starting to suffocate me.

"Brianne?"

My eyes grew wide as that soft voice brought me back to reality and away from all my memories colliding into me in a split second. Back to the world where there were tears heavily making their way down my cheeks that I hadn't even realised were there. The place where I was still alive.

I slowly began to shake my head as I started breathing deeply to steady the sobs escaping from my lips, wrapping my arms around myself in some form of comfort. Almost at the same time, Matt's hands wrapped tightly around my waist, pulling me back against his body protectively. I wasn't sure whether I was thankful for the contact, but my cries seemed to grow louder in response, venting everything I had been holding in for so long and fighting through the pain flowing through me.

There was barely a centimeter of space between our bodies now, as Matt attempted to calm me with his words. His breath was falling onto my neck and for a just few seconds in my head I was outside the club again, sneaking in. For a few seconds what happened meant something, yet it meant nothing at the same time. The next thing I knew I was outside the club once more, but this time getting chucked out and searching desperately for him to come to my rescue. To save me.

My thoughts were running away with me as my past and present started blurring together. My cries were getting louder as my emotions started spinning out of my control. Matt was here for me now, just as he was last night. He was always there... But was that it? Was he just some kind of new savior? I honestly couldn't be sure. I didn't get him like I did most other people. There was still something quite enigmatic about him I hadn't grasped yet. Something he was hiding from me.

"I can't think," I mumbled senselessly, burying my face in my hands and choking on my tears as I started shaking my head again in confusion.

"It's okay," Matt whispered, attempting to sooth me. "I'm here for you, don't worry."

If he knew that that was my problem, maybe things could have been better. If only, somehow, being so close to him didn't have me melting on the inside, while my skin burned with pain inflicted by that brutal stranger with the familiar smile. If only I truely believed that everything could be okay. His breath warming my skin was beginning to torture me, but at the same time it was far too little to be content with. I needed to block it out.

I took a deep breath before I quickly turned my body over, fighting through my injuries as I forced myself to face Matt. His arms had loosened the moment I moved, and his eyes now met with mine in confusion as our faces sat centimeters apart. I lowered my chin quickly to tear his gaze away from mine, moving my head to rest under his chin, as I closed my eyes tightly. I pulled my arms up between us, lightly clutching his shirt in my hands as I pulled myself as close as possible. After Matt's confusion faded, I felt his arms wrap back around me, embracing me just as tightly and holding me close.

I buried my face into Matt's chest, as I breathed him in. His scent was becoming more familiar with each day, and surprisingly more comforting. At the back of my head I was screaming at myself for thinking it, but at the moment it seemed all I had left. After I moment I become aware that Matt had started lightly stroking my hair as the tears still fell from my eyes, soaking into his shirt. I caught myself mumbling an apology, but it was lost in the thick material that I spoke into. I would make a point of apologising later, when my mind wasn't so clouded and I wasn't becoming quite so comfortable as I stole Matt's body heat. Later, when my present wasn't being chased away by nothingness as I could feel myself slipping away into sleep, tears still claiming my face. It wasn't okay, but it was going to be. I would be the one to make sure of it.