Hand of Blood

The bus was oddly quiet, considering it how late in the afternoon it must have been. I had been awake for about an hour myself, so there was no possible way the guys could be that lazy... Though I wasn't certain. I sighed lightly to myself and glanced at Matt beside me, eyes closed as he remained wrapped around me. I elbowed him in the side, causing him to flinch and open a questioning, lazy eye at me.

"How long until we hit home?" I asked quietly, an innocent smile playing on my lips for good measure.

Matt sighed inwardly, his eyes wandering the room in thought. "Well, we sure haven't left where ever we are yet, so probably about 1 or 2 hours," he mumbled back, his voice rough from the fact he was still extremely tired. I thought about it for a moment, as I realised we really didn't feel like we were moving. I had forgotten just how bumpy the ride down here had been. I nodded lightly and turned my gaze back to the ceiling as Matt closed his eyes again, nuzzling his forehead against my shoulder and breathing deeply.

"The shower works... Right?" I asked thoughtfully after a moment, my mouth running away with my thoughts as I once again broke our silence. Matt instantly chuckled, a grin spreading across his lips from my apparently odd question as I glanced back at him.

"Right," he confirmed, raising an eyebrow at me. "Though, you've seen how ridiculous it is, right?"

"Right," I replied in the same tone as he had before, a light smile on my lips as we mocked each other. "But I don't really care," I mumbled, rubbing my arms lightly. I really was in desperate need of freshening up. I still felt how I did when I had been lying out on the street; my contact with both the familiar surroundings and Matt had simply masked it. I still felt... uncomfortable in my own skin, in a way.

"I understand," Matt spoke softly, slowly withdrawing his arm from around me as he seemed to read my thoughts. "You're alright, though, yeah?"

I nodded and smiled through the pain as I awkwardly pulled myself upwards. "Sure, I'll be okay," I responded as I continued to struggle my way up, finally sighing in relief as I turned and swung my legs off the sofa. "Uhm, could you ask Kay for some clothes for me? I don't really want to get back into these old things..." I added, glancing back at Matt. I knew all of the guys had already packed half of their wardrobes into the bus and made themselves quite at home, so I had no reason to believe Kayla would have done anything different.

He smiled softly and nodded. "Of course," he replied, closing his eyes as he rolled onto his front and into the space that I had previously been occupying. I smiled gratefully as he glanced back up at me, before steadily pulling myself to my feet.

"Have fun," Matt called lazily after me, as I slowly wandered across to the door, taking careful steps as everything was still feeling a little fragile. I chuckled lightly and glanced back at him as I got to the door. He waved to me lightly, before hugging the pillow tightly against his face, snuggling into it and smiling contently to himself. I shook my head and grinned lightly before edging out of the room, taking just a few steps across the hall to reach the miniature bathroom.

If I was claustrophobic, then we would seriously have a problem on our hands. The 'bathroom' of the bus, should it even be capable of having that name, was a tiny box with a toilet and sink positioned directly opposite each other, with a plastic glass-like panel separating them from the shower. There was also a mirror, that I was choosing to avoid looking into at this moment in time, and a single medium sized towel that I assumed I would have to use. It was small, but it would do. I sighed to myself as I closed the main door of the room behind me and tugged the lock across, scanning the space I had as I tried to work out the best way to go about this. Once I had run through all the available possibilities in my head, I eventually decided that I would just have to go for it.

After an awkward couple of minutes, I had managed to remove my clothes and start up the shower, which was a fight in itself considering I the amount of pain I was still in and how slowly it took me to take off any part of the material covering my body. I slowly edged up to the plastic panel and wiggled my way into the small compartment, every muscle in my body tensing up the moment the warm water hit my skin. I would be lying if I said it was comfortable in the slightest, but I guessed I would get used to it. Eventually, the pain would have to stop. That was what I kept telling myself.

A few minutes later, my body had finally started adjusting to the low power water streams that were falling over it. The pain was sure as hell still there, but it was easing ever so slightly. I sighed to myself as I actually started to relax and enjoy the fact that I had an oppertunity to wash my worries away. After this shower, I would never think about him again. He would officially be nothing to do with me. I would just have to convince my mind that the bruises had been produced by another means. At the thought my eyes fell downwards, unwantingly scanning over the damage across my skin. I was usually insecure as it was, but now everything was different. I just felt worse.

I sighed as I gently ran my fingertips across my stomach, where, quite honestly, the worst of the damage appeared to be. He had kicked and punched me there so many times, it didn't suprise me, though I hated to think what was running across my back. I started chewing on my lip as I slowly ran my hands up my arms, across the discoloured marks running more clearly across my upper arms, where I had been grabbed so roughly. I swallowed a little as my fingers diligently ran over my scars, now hidden from view but still only too clear to me. I could still feel them there, always as a reminder.

I took a deep breath as I felt myself starting to choke up, determined that I wouldn't shed anymore tears for the past. I was done with that. But I was always done with that, and yet somehow it always came back to me. I would always run away while trying to learn from my mistakes, vowing never to do them again, but it never worked. I still had those scars running across my skin. I still had some that were fresher than others. That would never change.

I could feel myself become more repulsed my own body the longer I had to examine myself, both inside and out, and decided it was time for me to get this over with already. Realising I was yet to actually wash, I glanced around as I looked for something to do the job, so I could officially be clean and rid of the night. I turned around completely to see a small shelf just behind me, lined with five small bottles of shower gel. I sighed in light frustration as I looked over the different coloured liquids, knowing that whatever I did, I would end up smelling like someone else in the band, and someone would have to notice. I tried to decide whether I should see which one I liked the most, or simply choose a random one and hope for the best. I eventually decided the latter as I could feel my impatience quickly rising, and reached for the only purple coloured gel amongst the others that were blue and green, making the assumption that it would be Kayla's. That would make sense, and not result in me smelling like a guy, with any luck.

After a quick scrub, in which I was pretty certain that I had chosen one of the guys' shower gels and not Kayla's, I finished up and awkwardly slid back out of the shower. I quickly grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my body, gathered up my clothes and made a swift exit from the stuffy room, doing everything in my power to still not look in that mirror.

I breathed in sharply as the ice cold air of the main bus hit me on the way out. I glanced around and down the walk way between the bunks to find that no one else was in the general vicinity. Deciding that I wouldn't be able to embarrass myself in front of the guys, I quickly padded back across to the back room door and shuffled in, closing the door instantly behind me and leaning up against it, wincing just slightly as I did so.

I paused as my eyes fluttered closed and I took a deep breath, steadying my body that had suddenly gone into overdrive over the past few minutes. I always managed to freak myself out with my thoughts, which really wasn't in my best interests in any situation. I had to take things easy. I had to learn to forget.

After a moment I became aware the room was oddly silent, and curiously glanced around to find I was alone. Matt had disappeared. To be honest, I was a little thankful, because otherwise he would have just seen me almost falling to pieces, once again. He honestly must think I'm one of the weakest people there is; I always end up messing up whatever situation I find myself in.

I sighed inwardly, before finally stepping away from the door and towards the main area of the room. However, I never got there because as I took my first step the bus jolted, and I stumbled forcefully back against the door. I groaned a little in pain, before pushing myself away from it again, keeping my balance in the now mobile bus. It was a good thing I was out of the shower already, or things could have got a little more difficult.

As I edged slowly over to the sofa, I tilted my head thoughtfully, my attention suddenly captured. There was a small pile of clothes folded neatly on the arm of the seat, ready and waiting for me. I couldn't help but smile to myself at how efficient Matt had been, before I quickly went about getting changed.

+

It had been twenty minutes since I had managed the difficult task of getting dressed in a moving bus, and I was now standing just outside the back room door, leading into the bunk area. I sighed inwardly as I looked down at myself for the hundredth time, which was keeping me back here and away from human contact. I had been supplied with some cut off jeans and a tank top, which I have to say suited the warm day, but not so much my insecurities. As Kayla was slightly smaller than me, the already short top didn't manage to cover my entire lower torso, leaving my bruised stomach out in the open, as well as leaving my arms fully on show. I was pretty confident the bruises would hide the scars, but I still couldn't help but wonder. Now would be as bad a time as ever to answer those awkward questions.

Finally deciding I couldn't hide away for ever, I swallowed back my fears and boldly walked forwards through the narrow walk way towards the front lounge. I paused and hesitated for just a moment, before walking fully into view of the rest of the residents of the bus. Now or never, came to mind.

As soon as my presence entered the small room, every voice seemed to die down as four pairs of eyes settled on me nervously. Matt was the only one who didn't look at me, which I appreciated. I already felt a little like I was on show right now. I could easily see every expression dropping as my friend's eyes wandered over the bruises that were all too clear, and within a few moments they had all timidly glanced away again, almost with an air of guilt about them. I frowned myself, dropping my gaze to the floor as I slowly wandered over to the sofa Matt was occupying and sitting down beside him neatly.

"You alright, Bri?" Moose asked lightly, as you would in passing conversation. I smiled lightly at his comment and the way he had presented it. Normal meant a lot to me, right now.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I replied in much the same, off handed, way. He inclined his head to me and returned my small smile before glancing away and talking quietly to Padge beside him. Pretty quickly everyone followed suit and the whole group conversation was back into full swing.

I sighed in a little contentment, welcomely soaking in the conversation and laughter, as I rest my head lightly on Matt's shoulder. It was then that I finally felt him turn to me, and the moment he did his whole body froze beside me. I glanced up at him to see his eyes fixed on another of my battle scars running across my collar bone, before his eyes met with mine apologetically. I smiled weakly up at him before returning my head back to his shoulder, comfortably moulding myself against him as I tried to show him it didn't mean anything anymore. They were just more marks of my past to me.

I think it took a moment before Matt relaxed into the situation himself, but after a moment, he loosely hung his arm across my shoulder, hugging me into him a little more as his head rested on top of mine. I caught myself smiling lightly at the action, before I quickly shook it off. Matt had been the protective type of me since we had met. I think that's how the 'Big Brother' act seemed to work so well.

It didn't take long before Matt also began adding into the conversation that I was simply allowing to travel through my ears. I lightly closed my eyes, focusing on the familiar voices and the continuous rocking of the bus as we continued our journey back through the uneven roads of Wales. The conversation settled on so many topics, it was hard to keep track, but I couldn't help but smile at some of the comments and shared jokes. It was just nice to hear something that made me so comfortable. Where I really felt like I fit in, even if I wasn't actually doing anything at all.

+

The time rolled by as the conversation flowed, and I even managed to get an extra half an hour sleep in. I opened my still heavy eyes as I heard loud cheering coming from Jay, Moose and Padge, and saw them starting to make a show of themselves through the front lounge, leaving Kayla to shake her head in shame of her other half. I smiled lightly at the scene, as I realised the bus was no longer moving. That must have meant we were back home.

I allowed myself a couple of minutes to wake up completely, before slowly sitting up, causing Matt's arm to fall from my shoulder heavily. I glanced back at him to find his own eyes opening sharply, telling me he must have dozed off too. He blinked a couple of times, looking at me with confused eyes.

"Brianne, what's up?" He asked softly, sitting up slowly to match up to me and rubbing his eyes.

"I want to go home," I replied quietly, biting down on my lip as I suddenly found I couldn't keep contact with Matt's confused and dopey gaze. I could see his frown forming from the corner of my eye.

"Now?" He asked, sounding like he was completely lost and still half asleep. "How come?"

I shrugged simply as I flicked my gaze back onto him. We shared a silent glance before he sighed inwardly and scratched the back of his head, apparently admitting defeat.

"Alright, I'll take you back then," he mumbled, his eyebrows still knitted tightly together in his confusion. I smiled back at him gratefully as I pulled myself to my feet, which Matt quickly followed. The guys' cheers quickly faded as their eyes settled on us.

"Brianne's heading back," Matt stated generally to the group. They all shared blank glances before nodding in response and saying goodbye, before mumbling amongst themselves. I smiled lightly at how odd they could be, before both me and Matt turned to head towards the exit.

"Hey, can I come with?" Kayla said suddenly. I glanced back around to see her dragging herself to her feet and dusting herself down. "I'm bored of being around these testosterone full males," She added with a light sigh, resting her hands on her hips as all three band members still on the sofas exploded into laughter at their own jokes.

I chuckled softly and nodded. "Yeah, sure thing," I replied simply. Kayla grinned at me happily before quickly bouncing past me and Matt and out of the bus doors. I watched her in amusement before realising I had left my own clothes in the back of the bus. I quickly wandered past the loud men in the lounge, through the bus to collect my clothes.

Once I had gathered them up, I started wandering back through the bus, only to stop as I reached the bunk areas. Matt was blocking the narrow walkway, head buried in his bunk as he seemed to be looking for something. I raised an eyebrow as I watched him, having no desire to try and move past him in the tight space. Matt seemed to eventually finish his search, his head reappearing from behind his bunks curtain and turning to me with a smile.

"Here," he stated simply, before he held out a hand to me that was distorted with heavy black material. I looked at it oddly before taking it from his grasp, unwrapping it to find it was a hoodie. I couldn't help but smile at the fact I now I had something to cover those God awful bruises that felt like they were devouring me. Matt had clearly noticed, or perhaps he just couldn't stand to see them himself. Either way, I loved the idea.

I quickly moved forward and wrapped my arms around Matt's tall form, I think managing to catch him off guard. "Thanks," I mumbled sincerely, suddenly feeling myself caught in the moment. The thanks wasn't just for the extra piece of clothing; this was for so much more. It was for everything.

"Any time," Matt replied softly, returning my embrace lightly as to not hurt me as he rested his head on top of mine. Almost the moment he had done it, I felt a light chuckle vibrate through his chest. I moved back slightly and looked up at him suspiciously.

"What?" I asked bluntly, raising an eyebrow.

Matt's grin grew across his lips, almost child like. "You smell like me," he stated cutely, causing my eyes to widen instantly.

"Oh, damn," I replied dumbly. "I though I smelt like a guy," I mumbled with a grin, shaking my head before pausing and glancing back up at Matt as he chuckled softly. However, he quickly frowned at my raised eyebrow and thoughtful look.

"Wait, you use purple shower gel?" I added teasingly, causing his expression to drop.

"... And?" he replied eventually with fake attitude as he pursed his lips, causing me to helplessly laugh at him. After a moment he grinned back at me before turning away and heading back through the bus, with me not far behind.

Once we got all the way out into the afternoon air, and I had made a point of thanking Rory for the ride, I pulled the hoodie over my head and glanced around my familiar surroundings. It really was so good to be home. I breathed in deeply, thinking I would capture a little piece of my real world that way, but instead found myself simply inhaling Matt's scent that was now swamping me. I smiled to myself contently just before my gaze caught Matt's, apparently noticing my little action as he wandered away from me. He send me a knowing smile, which made a small blush creep onto my cheeks. That was weird for me.

I quickly got into step beside Matt and Kayla who had already started off down the street, Matt's arm automatically resting on the small of my back ever so lightly as we stood side by side. I couldn't help but catch Kayla's sideways smirk as she leaned forward from the other side of Matt and grinned at me.

"Too cute," she cooed after a moment, sighing lightly as we all continued our march back to my place.