Hand of Blood

Brianne's point of view.

I watched Matt as he continued to walk in front of me, incessantly tugging on my hand as he lead me back to Jay's house. That man never failed to amaze me, not once. I honestly wondered how much longer that would last, though I guessed it would be before he found out how truely unstable I was. This was nothing compared to what I had done in my past, and no one ever understood. That's why it never stopped.

The cold air was sending goosebumps up my arms but it somehow felt so fitting to me. I hadn't felt so cold in a long time. Not on the inside. I hadn't felt like running away and leaving it all behind in so long that I had almost forgotten what it felt like. How much I hated it yet embraced it at the same time. I almost enjoyed feeling so ruthless and careless, but there was still a small part of me that remained conscious of my actions. The dignified part of me, that gave a damn about the man before me.

I roughly rubbed my face with the back of my arm as we approached that dreaded house I didn't want to return to right now. My panic closed me off to everything and everyone. That's what it always did. To walk back into that house now would be to feel emotions towards people I didn't want to. I didn't want these people who had looked after me for so long to get the poionous sting in my tail, but I couldn't stop it.

I was caught. They'd hate me anyway.

I paused as Matt stopped by the front door, pushing it open slowly before glancing back at me. I instantly turned away, placing my gaze on the ground. I didn't want to hurt him, I really didn't. Him of all people was the reason I wanted to run away, for them never to see me again. Jay could go to hell.

Matt's hand stayed firmly in mine as he slowly lead me through into the lounge. That's what my eyes had been watching since we left the spot on the street where he has caught me. They had wandered over our fingers laced tightly together so many times it started to seem surreal to me. The reality was he was only doing it to stop me from running. Wasn't that terrible? I'd turned a usual caring and loving act in to something to restrain someone. I really was hopeless.

I glanced up timidly as we stepped fully into the room, to find a guilty looking Jay pacing the room, with both Kayla and Padge sitting on one of the sofas. Moose was still on the floor, out cold. I frowned as I turned back to the floor, the moment everyone became aware of our presence and Kayla and Padge's gaze settled on me.

I heard clearly as Kayla tumbled quickly off of the sofa and hurried over to us, her arms wrapping around my neck as I tensed under her grasp. "Oh Brianne, honey, you had me so worried!" She gushed as she hugged my body into hers, before moving back and looking at me. I looked at her blankly before my gaze dropped down to the floor. I couldn't even fake a smile.

"Honey?" Kayla enquired nervously at my silence, raising a hand back up to rest on my shoulder. I flinched away from the contact lightly, my free hand clenching while the other squeezed tightly on Matt's hand, attracting his attention as he glanced back at me again. My gaze fluttered up to meet with his before moving past Kayla's and back to the floor again. Each connection had made my heart leap into my throat. I was such a terrible person.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, my voice hollow with the only words I could produce. I saw Kayla look timidly back to Matt for support out of the corner of my eye, before looking back at me.

"It's... It's okay, Bri," she replied softly, making my gaze rise curiously to meet with hers again. The genuine concerned smile that I was met with almost made tears sting the back of my eyes. I shook my head slowly as I painfully turned away again. It wasn't okay, and I didn't even know if it was going to be, either.

I heard Matt sigh softly as he turned around, making me glance up at him curiously as he circled around me. "Jay," he called out simply as he wandered across to the doorway, taking me with him as he went. He paused just before he walked through into the hall, turning to look back across at Jay who was now watching him in confusion. Matt inclined his head out the door before walking through it, still moving me onwards as he lead me through the dark hall and up the staircase opposite the music room.

As we reached the second floor I looked around curiously, having never have gone into any other room up here other than the bathroom. There were a grand total of four other doors to choose from, though I assumed they all lead to bedrooms. Matt continued to drag me along the unlit hallway and into the second door on the left hand side.

I frowned in confusion as I entered the small room, two single beds pushed against opposite sides of the wall barely visable in the shadows. My eyes wandered the room blankly for a moment as I stood in the center of it, before I felt Matt finally release my hand. My gaze rose to watch him as he moved across the dark room, flicking a switch on the wall before looking back at me just as blankly as I watched him under the new light. He was still trying to work me out, but he didn't stand a chance. He hadn't before, and he wouldn't now.

My attention snapped round as the door behind me closed, Jay now in the room and looking between me and Matt with an air of frustration about him. At both of our lack of reactions, he sighed and walked over to one of the beds, heavily sitting down on it. I noticed Matt frown as he crossed the room, moving to lean against the side of the wall closest to Jay and folding his arms across his chest. An odd silence followed as we all seemed to size each other up, avoiding eye contact at all costs. None of us really knew what was about to happen. Least of all, Matt.

"So what the hell just happened?" Matt breathed eventually, breaking the awkward silence as he looked over at Jay accusingly, making the bass players eyes widen. "Jason, want to enlighten me?"

"Me?!" Jay exclaimed angrily in return, his gaze shifting over to me before landing back on Matt. "I don't even know what's going on here!"

"Oh, really?" Matt replied back smartly. "So you just so happen to have no idea why Brianne ran out of the house, with you calling after her? You have no clue why she didn't even want to come back?"

"Fuck yes!" Jay exclaimed, standing up and glaring at Matt. "She just started freaking out! How am I supposed to know why?!" He shouted, pointing at me and speaking with large arm movements. I pursed my lips as I scowled at the ground. Jay really did have a short fuse. It probably wasn't helped by the fact he was still under the influence. Hell, we all were.

"Jay, don't fuck with my head," Matt sighed, bringing his hands up to rub his face. "I'm just trying to work out what's going on. This whole nights just messed up."

"And who's fault is that," Jay scoffed, causing Matt to glare at him, standing up from the wall suddenly.

"If someone would fucking tell me then maybe I'd know!" He hissed back over at his band mate, making Jay glare in return.

"And I already told you! I don't have a fucking clue!" Jay bellowed over at Matt, taking a threatening step towards him. My eyes widened as I could see the pure fury burning up through Jay. If he so much as laid a finger on Matt, I knew he wouldn't be able to stop. The tiny part of me that still cared couldn't let that happen. Not to the only person who had tried to understand me. That was simply much to rare.

"Jay, can you leave?" I asked suddenly, my eyes emptily watching the floor again. My voice was oddly clear and calm, which slightly disturbed me. It wasn't normal. It wasn't me.

"... Leave?" Jay questioned blankly after a moment, causing me to glance up to see two shocked pairs of eyes on me. I connected my gaze solidly with Jay's before nodding slowly. I wasn't about to back down on this. I was going to do this my way.

"That's what I said," I replied quietly, instantly making him glare at me.

"Hell no, I have as much a right to know what's going on as Matt," he argued back firmly. I saw Matt's eyebrows knit together as he watched the back of Jay's head. I scowled too, at his stubbornness. I just didn't want to do this in front of him. I was already scared to death of what Matt might do once he knew, and scared of what he'd think of me, but there was nothing else I could do now but tell him the truth. I did owe him that much.

"Fine," I mumbled indignantly, suddenly turning on my heels and walking smoothly out of the door and back into the dark hallway. Without a moments hesitation I turned to the left and walked down to the next door, which happened to be the last one on this side, and quickly made my way into the shadowed room. My split second decision was based on my hope that Jay would take the hint and stay put. It was relying on the fact Matt would follow me to the ends of the earth.

I paused for a moment as I stood in the dark silence of the new room, my eyes still fixed on the ground. I didn't have a clue how I was going to do this. I mean, how do you just come out and tell someone that? I wasn't sure I had the right words for it to make sense. I wasn't sure I had that much strength. Just thinking of the possibilities made them sound like poison.

My whole body froze as I heard the door slowly open behind me, allowing a small stream of light into the room before silently cutting it off again. I turned my head to the side slightly, still fighting with my thoughts. I'd just have to do it.

"Brianne?" Matt asked softly, as I felt him walk closer to me. I slowly turned around and looked up, meeting my eyes with his. They almost seemed to glow as what little light that was left in the room caught them, making them call out to me. I swallowed hard as I wondered how much longer I'd see that odd serene look in them. How much longer they'd remain calm and forgiving.

I took a couple of steps towards him, minimising the space between us as Matt looked down on me curiously. I bit down on my lip nervously before tearing my gaze down to the floor.

"Give me your hand," I mumbled quietly as I could feel myself suddenly welling up, not knowing how else to make this work. Words wouldn't cut it, so I'd have to rely on Jay's method of catching me out.

"W-what?" Matt replied softly, completely lost. I sighed deeply as I felt tears starting to slowly fill my eyes, my desperate attempts to will them away in vain.

"Give me your fucking hand!" I exclaimed firmly, turning my gaze up to meet with Matt's. I saw his expression fall in shock, though I wasn't sure what it was from. It could have been my tone, my request, or my shimmering eyes. Not that it made a difference.

My gaze fell as I watched Matt timidly extend his hand towards me, leaving it hovering between us. I took a deep breath before I slowly wrapped my fingers around his wrist, my whole hand shaking as I did so. My heart was ricocheting against my ribcage, making it difficult to concentrate. I tried to collect my thoughts for a moment as I sniffed back my tears, but it wasn't working too well.

Matt watched me in complete confusion as I timidly moved his hand across to my arm, my hand sliding up from his wrist to line up with his fingers. I moved them across my skin gradually, rising and falling with the indented lines, his calloused fingertips surfing over the marks. I think it took a moment before Matt registered what the hell it was that I was doing, as I watched his expression fall from his previous confusion into complete clarity.

"W-what...?" He breathed to himself, suddenly leaning towards me. I dropped my hand from his and I bowed my head, my teeth firmly fixed on my lower lip, as Matt timidly looked over my skin. His fingers delicately raised the sleeve of my shirt to reveal as much as possible, before he quickly moved across to the opposite arm and repeated the action. I stood immobile as I allowed him to explore my secrets freely. I was laying it out for him on a silver platter. It made it so much easier than words.

After a moment he moved back for a moment, making me slowly glance up to meet his gaze. His face was centimeters from mine, making his eyes dive into mine that much more. They were screaming a mix of confusion and concern, his eyebrows tightly knitted together as he watched me. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but the words were lost. He glanced away for a moment to collect his nerve, before they met back with mine.

"Are these...?" He mumbled, the words still not quite making it out. I nodded slowly as I lowered my gaze again. Matt obviously had a lot more common sense than Jay did. He didn't quite understand them, but I was almost certain that to Matt they were crystal clear.

My whole body froze as I felt Matt's fingers lightly rest on my upper arms again, softly skimming over the damaged skin. I felt him slowly running a fingertip along each of the indents in turn, almost making sure they were real. I turned to watch him curiously, to find his gaze had never left where it had rested to begin with. They were watching me intently.

"Did..." He started, pausing for a moment as I heard his voice crack. "Did... You...?"

I nodded again as I felt Matt's movements halt suddenly. His hands slowly fell back to his sides as his expression became completely unreadable to me. It was so full of emotions I couldn't pin down which it was that he was feeling. I couldn't work out what he thought of me.

After a moment he took a step back from me, looking straight at me through the darkness. Really looking at me; sizing me up before completely looking through me. All I could do was look blankly back into his questioning gaze, tears keeping themselves at bay at the bottom of my eyes. I wouldn't cry anymore. It couldn't help me. It wouldn't change a thing.

Matt started slowly shaking his head as he gently closed his eyes and bowed his head to the ground, gradually stepping backwards. My heart lept into my throat as he moved, every sense on alert for any signs of what was going on. He soon turned away from me completely, slowly opening the door to the room and allowing light to flood around me again, Matt's silhouette keeping it from landing on me. Without another word being said, he silently walked from the room, softly closing the door behind him and plunging me back into darkness. Leaving me all alone in the world, just like always.