Hand of Blood

My eyes closed tighter together uncomfortably, as the bright morning light beckoned me out of sleep. I brought a hand clumsily up to my face to rub roughly at my skin before running upwards through my hair in one smooth movement. I had apparently slept rough last night, because I could still feel tiredness through my muscles. I could honestly say I hadn't ached so much in a while. Maybe that was just because I was on the floor.

I sighed inwardly as my eyes slowly opened, finding themselves in a room I had only previously seen in darkness. The bed that seemed to be towering over me blocked out a lot of what I could see, but my curious eyes explored none the less. Curtains opened slightly, allowing the warm sunlight to flood in from the wall opposite to me. Photo frames sitting on the bedside table and empty red bull and coke cans on the floor. A flying V shaped guitar sitting in the far corner on it's stand. My eyes widened slightly as they flickered over the instrument once more and back to the photo frames, narrowing slightly to see through the distance. I groaned to myself as the reality hit me. I had walked into Matt's room last night.

I curled myself up into the fetus position a little tighter, suddenly feeling well and truely sorry for myself. Clearly no one had disturbed me after Matt had left this same room in what was probably more like the early hours of this morning. I knew that much, because in my own sorry state, I had slept on the carpeted floor with my back resting against the door. I wanted to know if anyone would try to get to me. Obviously they didn't care that much, or were too angry with me to bother.

I maneuvered my arm around to my back pocket, sliding out my phone before bringing it around to my face. I flipped it open for a moment, my eyes quickly scanning the screen before closing it again. 10:43. I could get up and leave without the guys noticing, and never see them again. I could lock myself up in my house and pretend the last month hadn't happened. It would be oh so easy to do, and yet I was still laying here in my own pity. I'm so pathetic.

I sighed lightly and I hung my arm over my face, as I felt the night before finally starting to catch up with me. A dull thud was starting to echo in the back of my skull, reminding me just how much alcohol I had drank last night. Enough not to care anymore. Enough to make me stupid.

Then the self loathing kicked in. A frown etched its way into my forehead, my lips pursing together tightly at the now slightly embarrassing and idiotic memory. I had kissed Jay, in pure intoxication. I found little comfort in the knowledge that's all it was. I was drunk. He was drunk. It made sense to him at the time, and I was just... I had no excuse. I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't feel a thing. That's what make it worse on my part. At least he probably enjoyed himself while it lasted. I hated myself for carrying on with it.

If he hadn't stopped, I wonder if I would of.

My breath suddenly caught in my throat as I felt my body lurch forward at a surprising speed, catching me completely off guard. I suddenly found myself skidding across the floor, my phone tumbling from my hand as I banged head first into the bed sitting a few meters in front of me. I felt dazed in second, as I quickly tried to recollect my scattered thoughts and register what just happened. Apparently the corner of the door had just connected directly with my spine as it had been pushed forcefully open. My back felt like it had split from the impact. Not the most pleasant feeling first thing in the morning.

"Fuck," I grunted as I pressed a palm to my forehead, my lingering headache not being helped by the sudden knock I had received against the wooden bed frame. I slowly sat up, my other hand wildly flailing to try and find the top of the bed to pull myself back up, considering my eyes were firmly shut to stop the room from spinning quite so much.

"Shit, I'm so sorry," I heard quickly spoken, extremely earnestly. The blood froze in my veins as I recognised the voice, but I made no effort to respond as I continued to try and get myself back on my feet. I was still sat firmly on my butt.

I could hear the door softly closing behind me as Matt's presence moved closer to me. I turned to face away from where he was, as he knelt down by my side, a hand resting lightly on the small of my back somewhat supportively.

"Are... Are you okay?" I heard him ask timidly, which probably would have made me laugh out of pure sarcasm if I wasn't in quite so much pain.

"No," I stated firmly through my gritted teeth, my eyes slowly opening to gaze at the floor. My back was burning in pain now, and it wasn't getting any better. I would bet any money he had broken the skin.

My hand had finally managed to settle on the sheets across the bed, gripping tightly as I pushed myself up from the ground again. The hit seemed to have knocked the strength out of me, because I was still barely making it up to my knees. I felt Matt's hand lightly rest on my arm and grip onto it, as his other slowly moved round to rest on my waist, helping to pull me back up to my feet. I wasn't about to complain for his help. I was pretty messed up right now.

I finally managed to get up far enough to haul myself onto the bed, perching myself on the edge as I let out the breath I had been holding. Matt was still hovering around somewhat awkwardly, standing beside me as I sighed inwardly to myself. My back had better not been bleeding.

"Why were you sleeping there?" Matt asked curiously, as I felt the bed lower slightly as he sat beside me. I shrugged in response as I twisted my arm backwards, running my fingers up my back to lightly graze where the impact had been made. I returned my hand back in front of me to see my fingertips brushed with red, making me scowl back at it hotly.

"Brilliant," I stated bitterly, rubbing the liquid onto my shorts as I could feel Matt's eyes watching me critically. I had still made a point of not looking at him. He left me here last night, and he could leave me again for all I cared at this precise moment. I was obviously some kind of freak to him now anyway.

"Let me see," he spoke softly as I felt him shift a little closer to me.

I shook my head firmly as I turned the front of my body towards him more, not giving him the opportunity. "Get lost, Matt," I mumbled quietly, folding my arms across my chest as I continued to watch the floor. When he didn't respond I slowly raised my gaze curiously, to find him looking back at me with a scowl. I frowned a little in confusion before he took it upon himself to back up onto the bed a little more and maneuver himself behind me. My eyes widened as I got ready to stand up and move away, before I felt his hand holding tightly onto the bottom of my shirt and keeping me in place.

"Did you not hear me or something?" I asked with a little more volume than before as I sat back again, glancing back over my shoulder. "I don't need your help," I hissed, getting a little angry at how he was the one giving me the silent treatment now. He kept it up too, as I felt him slowly raise the back of my shirt, his skin lightly grazing mine in the process. I sighed stubbornly in an act of defeat, not having the energy to fight him off. There wasn't much point.

After a moment I felt the soft material drop back down my back, followed by Matt shifting back across the bed again. I watched him blankly as he slid off of the sheets and wandered over to the door, opening it before walking out and leaving me alone again in the space of a few short, silent seconds. I stared at the closed door for a moment in a confusion, wondering what the hell had just happened and where he had gone to. Hell, why did he come in here in the first place?

Just as I thought I had been completely left on my own, and that I'd probably better leave, the door creaked open again slowly. My gaze instantly fixed on it, from their previous attraction on the carpet, to see Matt wandering back in. I tilted my head curiously to find he was carrying a small bowl of water and a wash towel. Apparently he was playing Matt the Medic again.

Still without a word passing between us, Matt climbed across the bed and sat himself behind me. I timidly looked back to see him sitting cross-legged, his expression stern as he placed the plastic bowl beside him and carried on in his own world. For some reason I decided it was better not to disturb him or argue. Silence is golden, as they say.

After watching him for a while, Matt's gaze flickered up and met with mine with a split second. My eyes widened immediately and I quickly turned to face forwards again, my gaze settling on the wall opposite me, suddenly nerved. I bit my lip as I lowered my head a little, not being able to help but wonder what he must think of me. What honestly struck me most was the fact that he was still here. Why was he still here?

I turned my head to the side slightly as I felt Matt gently raising my shirt up my back again. He shuffled closer to me again, his legs resting against my lower back as one hand held the red material in place. My eyes wandered the room as my mind became curious, waiting for whatever was about to happen next. Without warning I felt warm water lightly tumble onto the cut, making me gasp in pain and arch my back away from it instinctively, the burning doubling in seconds.

"Sorry," I heard Matt mumble quietly, as my teeth firmly dug into my lip. I shook my head slowly in response as I gradually tried to relax my posture again, not being able to help myself from flinching away from the damp material dabbing at my back every few seconds or so.

We sat in silence for a while as Matt continued cleaning up the cut across my back, my body slowly adjusting the the pain. The waves that made me tense up were becoming fewer at least. I lost count of the minutes that we stayed like that.

"You're still bruised," Matt said softly into the silence, as I felt the damp towel finally being replaced with a dry one.

I nodded slowly. "They don't hurt so much anymore," I whispered lightly, my gaze falling to wander the floor as I felt the towel be replaced again. This time Matt slowly ran his fingertips across the marks I knew were still very much visible across my back. They were fading, at least. That was all that mattered to me. I bit my lip timidly as I felt goosebumps travel across my skin, Matt barely making contact as his rough fingers skimmed over the sensitive skin. I couldn't help but feel that wash of guilt travel through me as he slowly moved my shirt back down to cover my back again. I didn't deserve his concern or attempt at a truce, if that's what this was. I honestly couldn't tell anymore.

Matt leaned across the bed, dangling over the edge beside me to place the water bowl on the floor. I watched him curiously as he straightened out again, his eyes meeting with mine for another split second before he moved out of my sight once more. I heard him exhale heavily as he shuffled up behind me again, his presence a lot closer than it was before. It didn't take long before I felt his arms around my waist, making me glance down curiously, just as I was carefully pulled backwards into his lap. I paused as it suddenly hit me as the oddest thing he could have possibly done.

I could of sworn he was still mad with me.

"... What?" I mumbled to myself in disbelief, as his chest lightly leaned up against my back, considering any more contact would probably hurt it. My eyes were still watching his arms wrapped tightly over my stomach, still not quite getting what was going on. Not understanding why.

"Matt?" I asked carefully, my voice barely a whisper as I turned my head to the side, trying to get a glimpse of the man behind me. As I saw his face, my eyebrows knitted together in concern. His expression was so blank, his eyes directed down. He wasn't looking at me. Maybe he was angry after all.

I turned forward again and lowered my gaze, not knowing what to do. I frowned to myself as I slowly raised my hands to rest on his arm, shaking as they did so. I was so scared right now, and it was starting to show. I didn't like not being able to understand him. It was bad enough as usual, but now I just seemed hopeless. I couldn't get what was going through his head. I still couldn't get the way he worked. The reason as to why still failed me, though I did have one possible solution. He was more like me than I thought. He was hiding.

"Brianne," I heard him finally whisper in a rough tone, though it was by far loud enough to ring in my ears and capture my attention. "... Why?" He asked softly. I frowned slightly in confusion, the question leaving his lips being the same one in my head. I didn't understand what he meant; why could mean a lot of things. I couldn't be sure.

I turned my head to look back at him as I did before, this time my gaze meeting with his vacant expression, his eyes fixing with mine. The usual bright ocean blue was tinted with grey. He hadn't slept again. Somehow, I felt that was all I needed to see to know what he was asking of me, though why he wanted to talk about it I still wasn't sure. No one ever wanted to talk about it. They all just walked away.

"I... Don't know," I said quietly after a moment, facing forward again. It was suddenly hitting me hard and fast. I had caused so much trouble; so much more than I was worth. I couldn't see a reason for me to explain myself now. It wasn't like I could change the past. I'd known that for far too long.

I felt Matt shake his head behind me. "Don't lie to me," he stated, his tone possessing a hard edge. I swallowed hard as I tried to think my way out of this one. I didn't want to answer his question. The answer was a pathetic one, and it made me seem like the silly teenage girl I knew I was. The one who couldn't deal with problems like a normal human being. The one who thought they had nothing going for them. The one who can only find comfort in sharp objects.

"Why does it matter?" I mumbled bitterly, almost ready to get up and walk away. My hands had tightened slightly over his arms, prepared to pull them from me if need be. I paused for a moment as I caught the thought as it travelled through my head. Get up and walk away? Running again? Here was someone who was finally willing to listen, yet suddenly I had nothing to say. All this time all I wanted was someone to listen and now I wasn't so sure anymore. I think I was afraid to do it. I was afraid to spill my heart to him. The panic was what wanted me to escape this room.

Matt stayed silent for the longest time. All I could hear was his steady breathing as he remained immobile behind me, and my own shaking breaths escaping my lungs as my question still hung in the air. I didn't know what to do, but I felt like I was waiting. Waiting for something to happen that would finally make sense to me. That would make this fit.

"I..." Matt started, his voice noticeably cracking, instantly setting my sense on alert. His voice was barely audible to me, despite how close we were. He was choking on his words, like they were poisonous, just as mine were. I could feel him shaking.

"My friend, he..." He tried again, a little stronger this time though quickly fading, still barely a whisper. "He... Killed himself," he breathed, slowly shaking his head as my heart stopped beating. "We were fifteen," Matt added bitterly, as I felt his arms tighten around me.

The moment the words slipped past his lips my blood ran ice cold, goosebumps trailing their way down my spine. That's what I had been waiting for, to make everything slot into place. His reaction. His words. His questions. I couldn't help but feel the guilt wash through me like a tidal wave. I'd bought back those bad memories. Me and my stupid, worthless scars. That's what this was all about.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, bowing my head. I felt Matt sigh out deeply, the weight of his words slowly leaving him. He was still shaking.

"Please, answer my question," he whispered earnestly. I started slowly shaking my head. Somehow I didn't want to tell him even more. My sorry excuse for what I do wouldn't compare to his friends reasons.

"Matt, I can't," I started weakly, feeling tears prickling at my eyes.

"Please," he repeated, his voice completely empty. I swallowed hard as I ran though everything in my head, silently panicking again. He wanted so much from me, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough, and I didn't even know how to start. I didn't know how to answer him.

At my silence I felt Matt's arm start to loosen around me. I glanced down timidly as I raised my hands, watching himself slowly untie his grip from around me. At first I thought he was going to get up and leave, but I was surprised as his hands carefully reached for mine, now hovering idly in front of me. I watched in growing curiosity as his hands turned upwards, and pressed themselves up to mine, carefully lacing our fingers together. He squeezed my hands almost reassuringly as my eyes remained fascinated by his act. He wanted to let me know it was okay. He just wanted to know.

I paused as I found I had to completely clear my thoughts to make the words form in my head. Why. Why do I purposely put myself in harms way?

"I-I suppose, it's usually my family," I eventually croaked out, my voice instantly springing Matt to alert behind me. I felt him lean forward a little more, his head hovering to just over my shoulder. The decrease of space between us made my heart leap into my throat uncomfortably. I swallowed hard, trying to think straight. Trying to not make myself sound childish. It was a lot harder than it sounded.

"I get... Angry. More than angry. Furious," I tried, my voice still a whisper as I lowered my gaze. He was still clutching my hands tightly. "And so damn upset," I mumbled, the tears starting to burn now. I paused as I tried to keep them back. I wouldn't be so stupid as to let them fall, but this was the most difficult thing I think I'd ever had to do. I could barely make sense of it myself. It was physically hurting me to try and explain.

"I get caught up in the moment, I guess," I stated after a moment, with a little realisation suddenly sinking in. "I lose myself, and... I hardly know what I'm doing. It's... Strange," I mumbled as my eyebrows knitted together, my eyes still watching our hands blankly. That was the only way I could describe it that made it make sense. At least, I hoped it did.

"God I'm such a fuck up," I muttered to myself, letting go of Matt's grasp so I could bring my hands up to cover my face. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees as my words seemed to be sinking into me themselves. There just had to be something wrong with me. I have to be insane, or something. What I just admitted to wasn't normal. It wasn't right. But there it was, all laid out in front of me. My deepest of thoughts that never made it out. My secrets that I hid from the world, because the world didn't want to see them. The reason everyone walked away.

So why was he still here?