Hand of Blood

Our still silence was starting to bother me. No, it was starting to worry me. Matt hadn't responded to my words in the slightest, and neither had I acted on them. So here we sat together, in the low lit room that I had been in far too long. Strangely, it wasn't so suffocating as I would have expected it to be. Why? Because I was surrounded by Matt. Everything around me was his, and I didn't even feel out of place. Even if there was no sound other than his quiet breathing and mine, I was still safe here. And he was still with me.

After many more minutes passed, I finally felt Matt slowly move forward to lightly rest his chin on my shoulder. "When was the last time... You...?" He asked carefully, his voice just as quiet as mine had been earlier. I paused as I thought about it, images instantly flashing through my mind. Crimson.

"A few months ago," I mumbled quickly, pushing the thoughts from my head. It scared me to think about it, honestly it did. Yet I still done it.

"What about that glass?" He asked timidly, breaking my thoughts. I smiled to myself as I remembered that day oh too clearly. My carpet had really suffered from that incident. The stains never came up completely.

"That was an accident," I responded lightly, shaking my head slowly. "I just got a little angry and held it too tight."

"A little?" Matt questioned, making me smile lightly at the hint of amusement in his tone. A hint of of normality.

I nodded slowly before responding. "A little," I confirmed lightly, before Matt fell back into his silence. I leaned forward slightly so that I could glance back at him, wondering where that light had faded back to so quickly. As my gaze settled on his still form, he raised his eyes to meet with mine. They were so empty, causing my eyebrows to knit tightly together in confusion.

"Matt?" I asked softly, concern suddenly sweeping through me. He didn't respond as his blank gaze stayed fixed with mine, worrying me further before the guilt suddenly kicked in. Sure, this whole talk made me feel better now it was all out in the open, but I didn't think what Matt's reaction would be the more it sunk in. My eyes widened further as I recalled what he had said before. What had made me confess to him in the first place. His reason. His friend...

I let go of Matt's hands as I quickly turned in his arms, done with staring at a blank wall as I talked to him. It wasn't doing any good for either of us. As I started to move, I caught a glimpse of the sudden spark of curiosity back in Matt's eyes. After an awkward shuffle around, I carefully sat myself back in his lap, now facing him and with my legs positioned either side of his body. Matt's hands were naturally resting on my waist for lack of anywhere else for them to go and also keeping me stable, while my own hands were simply lying dormant in my lap. I frowned as my attention rested back into his eyes. His glimmer of interest in what I was doing was extremely short lived. He was looking through me again.

"Matt," I said again, more firmly than before to catch his attention. His eyes actually focused in mine this time, forcing me to drown for a moment as I watched him back helplessly. Those eyes would be the death of me some day. For some reason, I had only just realised it.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, slowly raising a hand to rest back on his cheek lightly. He didn't respond again, his eyes still locked with mine. "Matt," I pushed once more, my tone harsher this time. I really wasn't appreciating his silence right now. It wasn't helping to calm my nerves in the slightest.

"No..." He mumbled finally, shaking his head and making me frown in deeper confusion. His gaze was shifting around, falling down before timidly turning back to mine. He couldn't settle. He couldn't look at me.

"No? N-no what?" I asked as fear crept through me, my eyes flickering between his curiously. I frowned as I bought my other hand up to rest on his face along with my first one, raising his head so his gaze met back with mine. "You're not making sense," I said softly, raising an eyebrow at him. He smiled back at me ever so weakly, searching my eyes before gently pushing some hair from my face. I tilted my head as I continued to watch him, puzzled as to what was going through his head. It was almost as if one minute he was here, and the next his mind was in another place.

"I'm sorry," he whispered ever so quietly, his eyes connecting directly with mine as he said it. My gaze flickered between the slightly greyed blue eyes staring back at me, questions flying through my head yet not being able to leave my lips. I didn't understand. I wasn't sure if he was letting me.

Before I had time to comprehend my thoughts, my eyes were instinctively fluttering closed, the small space between Matt and I dissolving. In just a few split seconds, Matt had pressed his lips gently to my own, his bottom lip pushing upwards into mine softly. Just one short moment of contact, before he backed away again nervously, his lips now only gently grazing mine before making their escape. Just that was enough to make everything I was melt on the inside, as my hands still lingered on his face, almost drawing him closer. I somehow knew that was what his apology was for.

"I don't want to lose you," he whispered softly, my eyes curiously opening to drown in his gaze like always. "Not to this tour, or to... Anyone else," he mumbled carefully.

My eyes explored Matt's crystal orbs at his words, getting exactly what he meant. I could guess that in his mind, I could go the same way his friend did, and without him even being aware of it. To him I probably seemed like some volatile little girl, that could turn into her own worst enemy at any given moment. I wasn't sure whether that was true or not. I didn't want it to be.

"I'm not going to die," I whispered suddenly, my voice surprising even myself as it slipped past my lips. Matt's gaze instantly intensified in something I couldn't quite place, now looking straight into me. I looked back at him as confidently as I could. I believed those words. I wasn't going to go that far. I had more control than that, I was sure of it.

"You think any of us thought he would either?" He pushed in a harsh whisper, his eyebrows knitting together tightly. I almost flinched away from his stern tone, though my teeth clamped down on my lower lip instead. A little anger, a little fire was burning in his eyes, but it was fading just as quickly as it had appeared. His expression was relaxing, falling back into it's usual emotionless state. After a moment he sighed heavily, his eyes now flooded with guilt and falling from mine.

"Brianne, this fucking scares the hell out of me," he breathed quietly, as I felt his grip on my side shift lightly. I frowned to myself, knowing it scared him. To hell with it, it scared me too.

"Matt, please believe me," I said softly, rubbing my thumbs across his cheek bones. He slowly moved to look back at me, his eyes flickering between mine as they searched for answers. Looking for the same hope that I had. No matter how hard he searched, I knew he couldn't find it. He was too afraid of what was in the future, and too lost in his past, just like I was. I had to make him believe me.

That's when I made a decision on the only way I thought I could make him listen. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, my eyes falling away from Matt's as I questioned myself, honestly not knowing what had brought these thoughts into my head. Trying to push all inhibitions to the back of my mind, I quickly leaned closer and lightly set my pursed lips against Matt's, in possibly the most forward act I had ever made in my life. My whole body was tense, my contact extremely mechanical as nerves held me in place for the agonizing seconds that passed by. I mentally started panicking when I found he didn't respond, rushing backwards again with my eyes still clenched shut for fear of what I would see when I opened them. I could feel my cheeks getting warmer by the second.

I timidly opened my eyes, to find Matt watching me, completely unreadable. I bit my bottom lip timidly, and caught Matt mimicking the action which instantly caught my attention. I didn't have a clue what to do next. I knew what that meant, but that didn't change the fact nothing was happening. It didn't change the fact I probably just made a complete fool out of myself. I was never one for choosing the right moment.

I dropped my gaze as I lowered my hands from Matt's face, letting them sit back in my lap again. I sighed inwardly as I found myself feeling more awkward than I ever had before. This was exactly why I had never even considered making 'the first move' in my life.

My eyes timidly fell down to my waist, my gaze wandering over Matt's hands as I become aware that they were pulling me gradually closer to him, to gain my attention. I glanced back up to be met with that ever intense gaze, and just like that everything in the atmosphere changed. I could feel it, aching in my chest as I melted under his gaze. For once, I knew what was coming next.

I closed my eyes as Matt leaned closer to me, setting his lips against mine with more pressure than we had shared before. I returned it so much more effortlessly this time, compared my own awkward attempts, fire burning through my veins as his grip on my waist tightened a little. My hands instinctively wandered to rest on Matt's shoulders, pulling him closer to me as his lips moved almost perfectly against mine.

After a moment I felt Matt's hand leave my side, fumbling carefully up my arms and prying my grip from his shoulders. I was confused for only a split second, before butterflies soared through me as his fingers pushed through mine, linking our hands tightly together. Somehow, I found only one thought springing to mind as we continued to move closer together, my lips silently trying to speak to him while my mind pleaded desperately. I just wanted him to believe. I wanted him to understand.

"Brianne," he mumbled suddenly against my skin, slowly pulling back and bowing his head from me. I took a moment to collect my scattered thoughts before I realised what just happened, my gaze examining Matt curiously, his eyes lowered from me as an air of guilt slowly surrounded him. He started shaking his head slowly, making the butterflies in my stomach suddenly die. Was that regret?

"We're leaving in a matter of days," he muttered after a moment, making me frown instantly. "I cant, just... I might not ever see you again, and I... I don't even understand myself right now," he mumbled before sighing heavily, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek.

I paused for a moment as we watched each other, before nodding in complete understanding at what he was saying. It made our big picture became that much clearer. No matter what, we could never have worked to begin with, despite anything that had happened between us. It wasn't possible. After next week, he was right, I could never see him again, and Matt would no doubt find plenty of girls at his disposal across the world. The sensible half of his thoughts told him he couldn't start something he knew didn't have a future, no matter how much the other side wanted to. I think I finally understood that. He thought the exact same way that I had, all this time. Denying something we thought could never happen. Always the gentleman.

"I... Know," I mumbled softly. I felt him sigh again, before I became aware of him slowly moving backwards. My eyes watched curiously as I found myself moving with him, slowly falling as Matt's eyes connected with mine. Before I had realised it, he was lying flat on his back with my own body hovering over his, my arms propping me up as they rested across his body. I explored his face for a moment before slowly settling myself down against him, my head on his chest as his hands wrapped across my back.

"We're so messed up," I mumbled after a few minutes, into our comfortable silence. I felt Matt chuckle underneath me, his hands gliding smoothly across my back, skillfully avoiding the spot he had damaged earlier.

"We sure are, " he whispered back, his tone slightly rough from its low pitch.

I found myself smiling lightly as I let my eyes gently close, Matt's fingertips dancing across my skin and leaving goosebumps as he went. I felt him pause briefly as his hands moved across my upper arms, before continuing to travel up across my shoulders and down over my back once more. I hadn't felt so relaxed in a long time, despite everything the last day had put me through. Every touch seemed to rob me of any problems or anxieties I had, replacing them with nothing but comfort. That was all that mattered to me right now.

"How... How far did you go with Jay last night?" Matt asked quietly, the question so out of the blue I paused in surprise. I was only slightly surprised that he knew anything happened at all, but more so by the fact he was bringing it up now. Or perhaps I shouldn't have been.

I propped myself back up on my arms so that I could meet my gaze with his. "We just kissed," I said honestly, suddenly feeling a little guilty. "If it helps, I was very drunk by this point."

Matt smiled lightly. "Oh I know that," he said with a chuckle, making me smile in return. "So, was he as good as me?" He asked boldly, his tone having a purposely cocky edge to it. My jaw opened in complete surprise as I looked down at Matt, his blunt statement catching me off guard. It was pretty clear to me that he was hiding his dislike for the subject with a much lighter comment, trying not to make a big deal out of it. Matt grinned at me playfully before I dropped my expression into a stubborn pout.

"That's yet to be seen," I said cryptically, making Matt raise an eyebrow at me.

"How so?" He asked, slightly apprehensive. I grinned at him sheepishly as I thought about the best way to explain it to him, while keeping on our light way of discussing this topic. I eventually settled on sticking my tongue out at him. He instantly got the point

"Okay, that's a disgusting thought," he said quickly with a chuckle, shaking his head as he suddenly rolled to the side. I squealed as the side of my body hit the sheets, my eyes meeting that of Matt's as he laughed softly at me. I glared at him playfully, noting that our position hadn't really changed. One of Matt's hands was still firmly locked with mine while the other rested on my waist, and my leg was lightly tossed over his.

"You don't give warnings," I said quietly after a moment, making Matt's expression clear before a smile edged across his lips. "Somehow, I remembered that."

"And you don't like being questioned," Matt responded lightly, looking thoughtful. "You know, I think now I know why."

I smiled weakly at him as I dropped my gaze a little, memories mixing in with my thoughts. Just four weeks. How did two people learn so much about the other, and become so close in such a time? How could I tell him all the things I'd never breathed to another soul, despite him being so new to me? How was it that he now knew my reasons why behind the person I was? For some reason, I only had one possible solution in my head, though it was odd to admit it. Something had changed me from the person I had been all these years, but I had missed it as it happened. I hadn't even noticed the transition was occurring, until this very moment. The truth of the matter? Somehow, Matt had changed the very essence of who I was. That girl who doesn't talk to strangers and keeps herself to herself. The one who hides behind her past.

"So," Matt said softly, capturing my attention. "How could I prove myself to be better than my shorter counterpart," he whispered smartly, making me chuckle and shake my head, him being completely unaware of my thought track he had jut broken. But still, I couldn't help but wonder. What did that all mean? Why had I changed, and how was it possible that I missed it after being so careful all this time?

"That's for you to decide," I replied finally with a shrug, causing a mischievous grin to cross Matt's face. I rolled my eyes in response before closing them softly. "And that doesn't mean now," I added sternly, realising bluntness in return was perhaps the best way to address this cocky side of my friend. It actually did resemble his other band mate currently in question.

Matt chuckled softly, wrapping his arm around my back and pulling me closer. "I know," he whispered simply, making me smile instantly as I glanced back up at him. I could never give this guy enough credit. Just when I thought he was hiding some part of him that I really wasn't keen on, he showed he in fact had the perfect balance.

I shuffled myself closer to Matt, half burying my face into the pillow and into his chest. I felt him let out a long sigh, making me shiver as his breath caught my ear and sent goosebumps down my spine. He apparently noticed as I felt his light chuckle vibrate through his body, my gaze rising to smile at him sheepishly. Matt smiled back at me warmly before he kissed my forehead lightly. I watched him for a moment before lowering my head back down to the pillow, gently closing my eyes.

"I'll come and see you before we leave," I heard Matt whisper softly, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as he purposely spoke into my ear, before placing a light kiss on my neck. I allowed myself to enjoy the brief spark coursing through my veins before nodding slowly in response, mentally scolding Matt for his action as he settled down beside me. Now it just felt like he was being a tease.

"So what now?" I asked distantly, feeling drowsy as I made myself quite comfortable beside Matt, hoping we understood each other enough to know what I was asking. I felt him push a stray strand of hair from my face and tuck it behind my ear, before his arm wrapped around my back once more, holding me close.

"I guess... We do what we always do," Matt murmured softly, confirming my suspicions as his voice slowly lead me into a much needed sleep. I nodded gently in response to his words, not questioning and knowing better than that. Even now our reasons against this, us, were out in the open, that didn't change the fact nothing could come of it. Despite how much we'd like it, we'd just continue like always.

We'd forget it ever happened.