Hand of Blood

"O-oh. Hello. Is Brianne home?"

My eyes widened as Matt's surprised voice floated into my room, though I just managed to catch it. I sat up from laying back on my bed and slowly turned to my open doorway, trying to work out if I had been imagining it. I must have been.

"Who's asking," I heard Spencer's blunt reply, making my blood freeze. Why on earth did he have to be the person to answer the God damn door?

Without even waiting to hear Matt's voice again, I scrambled from my bed and rushed down the hall, tripping over my feet as I went. I didn't need to hear his voice again, Spencer's tone was confirmation enough that a certain 'misfit' looking individual was on our doorstep. That's how he always referred to people who weren't the average passer by.

I hurtled down the stairs two at a time, clinging to the banister for my only life support. My eyes fell on Spencer in the door way, holding the open door tightly in his hand and blocking a nervous looking Matt from getting any further. In Spencer's language, that pretty much meant 'I'm this close to slamming the door in your face.'

"Uhm, my names-"

"Matt," I breathed as I dropped heavily down onto the bottom step. At the sound of his name, Matt leaned forward slightly to glance around Spencer, a fleeting smile passing his lips as he spotted me. I couldn't resist returning it just as nervously as I lent my head against the bottom post of the handrail, noticing mother also shuffling into the hall to see what was going on. This wasn't going to go according to plan, I could feel it.

"So what are you, some weird salesman?" Spencer growled bluntly at Matt, apparently ignoring my presence completely. I scowled at the back of his head as he found it appropriate to grill Matt like this, despite the fact I clearly knew him. He was way too controlling for his own good.

"No, I'm not," Matt responded indignantly, taking mild offense to the statement and raising an eyebrow at Spencer. "Like I said, I'm just here to see-"

"What the hell do you do then?" Spencer interrupted sharply, looking over Matt with obvious distaste, his nose wrinkled up.

Matt looked stuck somewhere between confusion and frustration, pausing for a moment before replying carefully. "W-well I'm in a band but I don't see what-"

"Oh-ho! A band, eh? Think you're some hot shot then? Think you're Gods gift?" Spencer interrupted sharply, instantly making me roll my eyes. Now Matt completely fit in that 'misfit' category of his, and he would enjoy every second of trying to rip him to shreds. I wasn't about to stand for that.

"Spencer, let the boy in," Mother spoke quietly, instantly drawing my attention as my mouth hung open from the words that never quite escaped. I was a little surprised by her comment, but judging by how things had been around here since they had got back, maybe I shouldn't be. Something had certainly changed in her.

I barely caught the words that Spencer grumbled before he stormed out of the doorway, making a point of slamming his shoulder into Matt's in the process. Matt's eyes widened for a second as he was caught off guard, stumbling back slightly before glaring after Spencer along with me. After a moment he looked back at me, and I slowly brought myself down onto the ground floor, suddenly feeling nervous, without a clue why. I glanced sidewards as I became aware of my mothers light smile before she consciously turned back into the living room and out of sight, leaving us alone of her own accord. That was odd.

"Hey," Matt said smoothly, making me turn so our gaze meet once more. He stepped through the doorway, his smile somehow captivating me as he moved out of the midday light. I hadn't seen it in a few days, and I already missed it.

"H-hi," I quickly stuttered, a deep blush quickly forming on my cheeks. I bit my lip as I felt more awkward than I had possibly felt before, though I was still unable to work out why. Matt's light chuckle met my ears before I felt myself become engulfed in his arms in a bear hug, a smile happily claiming my lips as I returned his embrace tightly. I breathed him in, considering my face was completely buried in his chest and I had no choice, yet still it was comforting to me.

I moved back a little for air, though Matt still held me in his arms. "Uhm, do you want to come through?" I asked lightly, pointing a thumb over my shoulder. Matt looked at me puzzled for a moment before letting me go, smiling none the less. I grinned at him before leading the way through the living room and into the kitchen. Matt looked hopelessly confused

"Why are we in here?" He asked lightly, glancing around. "I mean, I love food but..." He trailed off making me chuckle.

"We can talk in the garden, seeing as the living rooms taken," I responded lightly. "I would say we could go upstairs but... Spencer would probably start throwing accusations around if he found out," I explained, biting my lip as I unlocked the glass door leading into the back and pushing it open.

"Huh," Matt stated dully as I felt him move up close behind me, hands resting on my waist as I walked out into the quite warm sunlight, closing the door behind us. "Shame," he added playfully, making me roll my eyes as my hands rested over his.

I wandered out across the paving and onto the grass, tugging myself out of Matt's grasp so I could make myself comfortable on the long green blades. Matt towered over me, watching me oddly as he blocked out the light.

"You'd rather stand?" I asked lightly as I folded my legs under me, making his expression clear before setting down opposite me. We shared a goofy smile for a moment as we just sat in each others presence.

"So, how is everyone?" I asked simply, my light smile never fading from my lips. Matt grinned at me sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes traveled over the blue sky. He was as nervous as I was feeling.

"They're good," he said dismissively. "Kind of sad, though. It's not the same without you now."

I nodded slowly, not sure how to take his response. They missed me. As Jay had pointed out I was one of the guys, now. That was to be expected, I supposed. At least, I hoped they would, a little.

"And how are things?" Matt responded carefully, his voice soft. My gaze fell away from him as I knew honesty would be the best policy, as he had just presented about things at his end. Some part of me hated what was happening right now. I wanted an excuse for this not to be the right thing to do. I wanted an excuse to not feel bad that the other guys were sad without me. It wouldn't last though, right? They'd forget me soon enough...

"Good, actually," I mumbled half to myself. "Really good," I added as my troubled gaze rose to meet with Matt's. It almost hurt to see his expression completely drop for a split second, before it was replaced by a warm smile. He was trying to hide it, but it was far too late. He wished things were going bad for me. Hell, so did I.

"That's great," he said almost honestly, making my expression all the more confused. He didn't mean it. I know he didn't. "And Spencer?"

I dropped my gaze to the green beneath me again. "He's not being bad. I mean, it's not good but it's kind of neutral. More than usual..." I said as my timid eyes rose up again.

Matt nodded, smiling lightly. "I'm glad, Brianne. It's a real weight off my mind."

I looked straight into eyes, trying to see through the front. "Really?" I asked lightly, all too clearly finding that sadness in his tone.

"Yeah, now I have nothing to worry about, right?" He asked with a light smile, tilting his head.

"I, I suppose. I don't know how, but things have changed," I admitted. I should have been happy about that, but I wasn't. After all, this could mean a whole new great life for me but I didn't see it that way. Maybe it was that voice at the back of my mind telling me it wouldn't last, the voice of reason. Maybe it was the sorrow in Matt's perfect eyes.

"As long as you're okay. That's what's important," Matt said softly. I nodded slowly, my eyes fixed on my hands knotted tightly together in my lap. As long as I'm okay? But I wasn't certain I was. It didn't feel right anymore, knowing I'd never see those people again, perhaps not even hear their voices on long distance phone calls. They'd forget me, the numbers would be deleted. Just another part of my past that I would try to hide from. In the end, this was no different to any other aspect of my life. The unpleasant things came back to haunt me, no matter how much I wanted to forget them. The most amazing things that I cared for always dissolved into my past, never to be seen again.

"Brianne?" Matt said suddenly, catching my attention. My eyes widened as I looked up at him quickly, realising he had been talking and I wasn't listening. He seemed to notice, grinning at me and shaking his head slowly. I returned his smile shyly.

"I've been meaning to ask you that actually, you reminded me," I started thoughtfully, making Matt watch me curiously. "Why are you one of the very few people that calls me by my full name?" I said playfully, tilting my head. It was true he called me 'Bri' on occasions, and it was also true that everyone else called me 'Brianne' every so often, but the point still stood.

Matt chuckled nervously and shrugged. "I hadn't noticed," he said at first, making me glare at him playfully. I knew for a fact he was lying; he had said it in too much of an even tone. Matt grinned back at me as he knew I could see straight through him.

"I guess... I like your name. And it makes me feel special that you don't kill me for saying it," he said with a cute smile, making me helplessly return it.

"That's true, actually. I hadn't noticed either," I said lightly, as Matt chuckled.

"Oh I have, those slaps you give Jay every time he calls you it look painful," he stated, making a light blush rise in my cheeks. "Though I have to say, I sometimes feel like doing the same," he added, looking a little sheepish again.

I bit my lip as I looked over Matt critically. "Aw, that's cute," I cooed, leaning forward a little and poking his nose.

"Great, make me sound like a sap," he said as he rolled his eyes, scowling at my retracting finger as he leaned back in his arms. I chuckled as I copied his body language, leaning back myself and letting my eyes scan the fluffy clouds overhead.

"You are the biggest sap going," I stated in a matter of fact way, Matt's gasp catching my ears. I was surprised when he didn't go into some childish tantrum or make a stubborn comeback, instead falling into silence. I glanced down at him curiously, to see he was sitting forward again, leaning on his knees as he watched me. I pulled a confused face as I copied him once again, leaning in as if about to be told a secret.

Matt eyes flickered between mine. "Only for you," he said softly with a wink, making me chuckle at the cocky rather than cute edge to his words. "But don't tell the guys."

I scoffed as rolled my eyes. "Oh I think they know," I spoke quietly, grinning at him knowingly.

Matt smiled to himself, his gaze wandering away from me and to the sky for a moment as mine had. "I think they do too," he whispered softly, eyes surfing the clouds. I bit my lip as I watched him in complete wonder and confusion, before my eyes rose back up to the sky, once again following Matt's lead. I had learnt it wasn't a bad thing that he confused me. I had actually grown quite attached to the fact I couldn't understand the man before me, despite everything I knew about him that few did.

My body tensed slightly as I felt calloused fingers lightly skimming my cheeks, my eyes falling curiously to meet back with Matt's. He sent me that honest, slightly lopsided smile that always left me melting inside, making my whole body relax as he cupped my face softly.

I bit my lip softly as I allowed this mysterious friend of mine to guide me forward, bringing me ever closer to him. His eyes explored my face before meeting directly with my own as I moved forward onto my knees, unable to be brought any closer without changing my seating position. Matt grinned at me as we were now centimeters apart, before leaning forward and pressing his lips against mine softly. Though I expected it, I still felt like it was something new all over again. Something innocent and bashful on both our parts. I responded effortlessly as I leaned back against him, completely losing my balance on my knees and having to hold my weight up on my arms, hands placed either side of Matt's body.

As we separated a moment later, Matt eyes fell down to look over my current position over him suggestively, making me scowl back at him playfully.

"Don't be getting ideas now," I said quietly, making Matt chuckle.

"Too late, Hun," he cooed at the same volume, the phrase falling from his tongue without any need for thought. He purposely looked into my eyes with that look guys make when their claiming something for their own. Slightly competitive and dominating. Though it was fake, I scowled at him deeply, only seeming to make Matt's grin grow. I rolled my eyes unable to hide my smile infectiously created by his, chuckling inwardly as it was all too clear Matt the Jay impersonator was in my midst.

I shuffled backwards away from Matt, making his expression drop for a second as I hovered above the grass, crouching down and bouncing on my toes, a rose an eyebrow at him. A puzzled expression crossed his face before I pulled myself up to my feet, turning on my heels and ready to walk away from him, my own hard-to-get plans in mind.

However, the moment I had stood upright and taken my first step away, I felt myself being powerfully tugged back down to the ground, my body stumbling from not expecting it. I squealed as Matt pulled me down to fall heavily onto his lap, my legs straddling his body while my wide eyes set on him in complete surprise.

"Matt-?" I started in shock, before his lips set themselves back gently against mine. The breath hitched in my throat in surprise, Matt's hands firmly on my back and holding me close.

"Shh," he mumbled against my lips, the soft smile all too clear. "I want to remember this," he mumbled much more earnestly than I could have ever imagined hearing from him, my body pausing while something in my chest cracked at his words. It was aching in it's sadness.

I slowly sat back from Matt slightly, his eyes opening to meet with mine. They were so honest, and somehow so lost. His expression was completely emotionless, yet his bright crystal eyes were screaming at me so many things I couldn't quite hear them. Like white noise, not letting me through. Everything around me seemed to be amplified in the same way, like my mind was focusing on every detail more than usual. The grass was that much more vibrant, the air that much more crisp. I was suddenly so much more aware of the feeling the sun rays had on my skin as they warmed me, along with Matt's own touch. It felt all too good to be true.

I swallowed hard as I could feel myself getting choked up from that look, those words, this moment, but I wasn't going to let myself feel sad. I wanted to be happy. I wanted everything that we were to be a good thing. I wanted this memory to be a nice one. I didn't have many of those left. I didn't have any.

I slowly leaned forward again, Matt's eye lids falling as he glanced down to my lips hovering beside his. "I want to remember this, too," I whispered softly, those bright blue eyes becoming the last thing I saw, that I wanted to see, before I let myself disappear into darkness.

My eyes fluttered lightly closed as I inhaled deeply, soaking in every part of the man before me that I could. It surprised me just how many things I tried to imprint into my memory in those few seconds, and what I found myself focusing on that made Matt who he was. The things that I couldn't let myself forget.

All too clearly I could catch his subtle scent mix of aftershave and alcohol, the latter no doubt saturating every piece of clothing he owned from many sleepless nights. My hands timidly rose to skim across his face, memorizing the soft skin and the rise of his cheeks bones. My fingertips fell along his jawline, making me smile to myself at that odd amount of facial hair he chooses to keep across his chin. His soft, gentle lips that were pressing themselves into mine almost too perfectly could never be forgotten.

Matt lips left mine smoothly to travel down my jaw and to my neck, my eye lids fluttering from every touch. My teeth claimed my bottom lip once more as I tilted my head to the side, allowing him as much access as he wanted and reveling in the feeling it gave me. Remembering how he never failed to make me feel with just a single touch.

"I want to be with you," he whispered suddenly against my skin, sending shivers through me. The sorrow in my chest swelled uncontrollably at his words, almost bringing tears to my eyes. He was always too honest. Far to honest.

He slowly skimmed the tip of his nose up my neck, breathing me in as he did so. I remembered all too clearly what realisation that meant to me. He cared as much as I did.

"Please, don't," I barely breathed as my hands rose to timidly hold his face gently. I lowered my chin, my eyes opening slowly to make meet with Matt's that I finally had control over. I couldn't stop my gaze exploring his face critically committing it all to memory.

"You'd rather I lie?" He asked rhetorically, leaning forward to ghost his lips against mine.

I shook my head slowly, lowering my chin to break the contact. "I'd rather it be left unsaid," I muttered sadly. I shook my head slowly, my hands settling on his shoulders as I bit my bottom lip softly, not trusting myself with words. He leaned forward gradually, pressing his lips to my cheek that was as his level, before raising up slightly leaving a lingering kiss pressed to my forehead. A nice habit of his.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered sincerely. I shook my head again as my eyes stayed fixed downwards, hands falling slowly back to my lap. He had nothing to apologise for, and he knew that. I was aware they were leaving from the very start. I was aware this wouldn't work. I was aware this would hurt like hell. But sometimes it's just too late for what you know to help you out. Sometimes, you don't even want it to. You want to ignore the truth, hoping its all a lie in the end.

I let my body fall forward, my face hiding itself in the crook of Matt's neck as his arms smoothly slid across my back. I shook my head slowly to myself as I rose my arms up to hang weakly around his neck, my fingers playing loosely with the ends of his hair.

"I'm going to miss you guys so much," I whispered, my voice barely escaping my dry throat. Matt tilted his face into me, his lips lightly brushing the skin below my ear.

"I'll miss you too," he breathed softly, his breath warming my skin. I bit my lip to hold back the tears I could still feel building, holding onto Matt a little tighter as if that would be enough to protect me. I wanted it to be. I wasn't strong enough for this, because I couldn't admit it.

I opened my mouth to say the words, but they wouldn't fall. I didn't want to say I'd miss him. That made it all too clear he was leaving, and becoming a memory. I wasn't ready for that. However, one thing did come to mind. Something I could say confidently, and mean. Something that could be just as powerful.

I slowly drew my body away from Matt's, his hands falling slowly to rest on my waist as my tear-filled eyes met with his. He frowned lightly as he saw them glistening. A light smile claimed my lips as I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his.

"I want to be with you, too," I whispered, watching as Matt's frown cleared, before turning into a helpless smile. It quickly grew into a wide grin as light, nervous chuckles vibrated through his body, making my own happy smile grow, the feeling spreading through me. Matt set a light peck against my lips before turning those icy eyes back to me. They were smiling too.

"Brianne?" He asked softly, his serious tone making me watch him curiously. "... You taste like chocolate."

I looked at him in slight disbelief as the clock seemed to freeze, the words somehow hovering in the air yet not connecting. After a moments silence, light giggles uncontrollably started to fall from my lips, quickly turning into full laughter. I withdrew one of my hands from around Matt's neck to cover my mouth, trying to suppress the sounds as I heard Matt snort in his amusement, trying to hold back his own laughter, forehead still firmly set against mine. It felt so good.

"Oh my god, Matt," I breathed after a moment, catching my breath as my shining smile turned back towards him. "You're something else," I giggled, my eyes meeting with his, the tears now a mix of happiness and sorrow.

Matt smiled back at me lightly as he leaned back slightly, tilting his head as he watched me critically. I bit my lip softly as I kept my gaze with his, enjoying our little moment. Our last goodbye. There was no possible way that the two of us could see this through seriously. We both knew it hurt too much for that.

"So, when are you leaving again?" I asked softly, my smile never lifting. I was truly happy right now, no matter what happened.

"Tomorrow, evening time," he said lightly. I nodded slowly, before leaning back against Matt's body, feeling his heat sink into me as his arms snaked around my back again, comfortingly. It was strange to think how attached I was now. I hadn't felt it before, yet I wasn't sure how it had happened. It was exactly as I had said before. I wanted to be with him. I longed for him, like no other.

"We'll keep in contact, right?" Matt asked somewhat timidly. I nodded slowly, my smile slowly fading from my lips as I found my thoughts consuming me slowly. I'd still hear his voice, but a phone could all too easily be lost. It wouldn't last forever. It was just some false hope.

My eyes widened slightly as I felt a tear sliding down my cheek, shortly followed by another. I inhaled deeply as I tried to keep them at bay, without having a clue how they got there to start with. I didn't want to cry. I never had. I wasn't sad now, right?

I sat slowly back from Matt, my confused expression fixed on my face as I looked downwards. Why wouldn't the tears stop?

"Brianne?" Matt asked softly, as I felt his thumbs lightly skim across my cheeks. I swallowed hard as I looked up at him, not sure how to react. Suddenly I wasn't in control anymore. I was completely numb.

"I don't understand... Why am I crying?" I asked distantly, my eyes fixed on my hands as I felt the salty water drop from my chin, landing on the pale skin waiting beneath. "I don't want to cry," I mumbled to myself, desperately searching for the answers in my head.

"It's okay, we don't understand ourselves sometimes," Matt said gently, my attention slowly rising back up to him and his soft smile. "Right?"

I couldn't help the crimson flash behind my eyes for a brief second, before my gaze fell unwantedly to my arms. No, I never really had understood myself at all. I was an enigma to myself, just as much as I was to the rest of the world.

"Bri... I have to go."

My gaze shot up to meet with Matt's apologetic eyes, realisation hitting my fast. I wasn't the only person in his life. I had probably already taken far too much of his time.

"O-oh, right. Of course," I spoke quickly, tripping over my words. I pushed myself up with quite a bit of difficulty, finding my legs shaking beneath me and everything uncoordinated. Matt slowly rose too once I took a step back, standing so much more solidly than I was. I took a deep breath to try and steady myself as I smiled at him, nervously. He returned it weakly, before stepping closer to me and holding me close.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered again. That fleeting smile never left my lips as I shook my head slowly, my trembling arms encasing Matt's lean frame. He never had anything to apoloise for from the start. I just had to let go. It was time to leave this behind me. Just another lost thought.

He slowly stepped back, my arms falling to my sides as Matt's hands lightly set on my shoulders. He smiled sadly before leaning forward and pressing a final, light kiss to my forehead, warmth flowing through me. After a moment Matt's arms fell away, leaving me with only one thought in my head. I'd never feel that touch again.

"I'll... I'll see myself out," Matt mumbled after a moment, his voice dripping with the same sadness I could feel slowly building up through me. I nodded slowly as I let out a shakey breath that had been trapped in my chest. I was powerless to stop him, now. I physically couldn't move from where I was standing, arms hanging idly by my sides and feet frozen to the ground. I was certain if I moved, I would only fall down. My body wasn't listening to me.

"Goodbye, Brianne," I heard softly, the words choking me in seconds.

"Bye, Matt," I croaked, my voice cracking as I tried to swallow back my fears. I felt a few more of the tears break free and tumble down my cheeks, no matter how desperately I tried to keep them back. I glanced up timidly to find Matt who was frowning deeply, now standing beside the house.

"Please don't cry," he said gently, his eyes burning in their concern and glistening in their own right. His words couldn't help me in the slightest. It was all far too real.

I shook my head slowly in return, brushing off his request. "No, no, I'm okay. J-just... Go. I'll be fine," I spoke quickly, my tone breaking through my words while a half hearted smile fluttered across my lips before fading within seconds. Matt sighed inwardly before nodding slowly, the frown never lifting from his face.

I would never have imagined the next few moments of my life would be quite so painful. The moment that Matt turned his back to me, his odd mix of crystal blue and stormy grey gaze never to meet with mine again. I watched powerlessly as he slowly left the garden, head bowed to the ground as the glass door finally cut him completely from my sight, blurring him into the room beyond. I never could have imagined I would have grown quite so attached to someone I had known for such a short time. None the less, he was someone who watched out for me. Someone who truly cared. Someone much too rare.

I slowly turned my back to the house, swiveling on my toes before letting myself fall lifelessly down to the grass beneath me, memories consuming me along with those five faces I'd never see again. Just another part of my past.

The tears took no hesitations in consuming me, shaking through my body as the cries fell painfully from my heart. I didn't want to hurt this much. I never wanted things to end this way. I never wanted to cry.