Hand of Blood

Brianne's point of view

Waking up had never felt so odd before, but at first I wasn't sure why. It was almost strange how the light hit my eyelids and disturbed my sleep, if that was truly what it had been at all. If it was, then I sure has hell wasn't done sleeping yet. My mind wasn't quite up to speed, more sluggish and unresponsive, and my body was somehow completely drained. The only reason I believed I had been asleep at all was because my eyes were closed, I was lying down, and there was a small chunk of my memory missing. Other than that, I felt as though I hadn't had a moments rest in months.

I breathed deeply, slowly opening my still tired eyes into the almost unlit room, sunlight filtering softly in from somewhere. I was on my back, eyes meeting with the whitewashed ceiling and light bulb hanging without a shade. I blinked a couple of times, glancing to the blue-grey painted wall to my right, before my eyes darted left. My expression drew up a blank in confusion while my heart leapt into my throat, as I turned my head to the side completely. Matt was looking straight at me.

I think it was then I realised I didn't have a clue where I was. I didn't know this room, and I didn't know how I got here. I was a little surprised I hadn't noticed that before, but it wasn't like I had a reason to wake up in an unfamiliar place. And now I had to add in that Matt was here too, sitting in a chair barely a meter from where I was laying. What did this all mean exactly?

My eyebrows furrowed slightly as Matt's intense gaze was still fixed firmly with mine. Those eyes I never thought I'd see again. Intense, but still slightly out of place. Colder than usual, or maybe a little more empty. Even from where I was I could see they weren't such a bright crystal blue as usual either. They were dulled, and tinted grey. He hadn't slept.

"... Matt?" I whispered softly after a moment, still not certain he was really here. The moment the word left my lips, his stare broke away and his gaze fell down to his fingers linked tightly together. I frowned as I looked over him a moment longer, sitting forward on the edge of the wooden chair, elbows on his knees and shoulders dropped. His gaze stayed fixed on his hands in front of him.

The frown remained on my face as I turned away myself, looking down my body before pausing. I was dressed in long, black shorts and a tshirt that was far to big for me. Matt's clothes, or at least another of the guys', I supposed. But that isn't what worried me. My arms were covered from my hand all the way up to beneath the short sleeves in gauze bandages. I curiously tried to move my hands towards me, only to breath in sharply as pain burned through my body. I wimped lightly and quickly let my arms fall back to my sides, letting them relax so the pain faded a little. Yet I could still couldn't grasp why I was in this state, almost like something had purposely erased it from my thoughts.

My from deepened as I tried to use the silence to my advantage, using it as a chance to try and recollect my scattered memories. The fact I was still so incredibly tired wasn't helping. I wasn't at home, which meant that I was at someone else's house. That much made sense. Then there was the fact Matt was here, which meant I was safe. Maybe then it was his house, or even Jay's. The decor was completely different from any other room in Jay's, though. I was going round in circles.

My throat was sore, so I had been using my voice more than I should, or I had developed a cold. My arms were... In pain. It even hurt to wiggle my fingers, and everything was bandaged. I had been in an accident, then. I bit my lip softly; an accident. Should I be using that term loosely? Again, add that to the fact Matt was here, and that he was clearly upset, or angry. And he hadn't slept.

I swallowed softly as I slowly turned my gaze to look over him, reaching some form of conclusion in my head. I had done something.

"Matt, please," I started softly in an apologetic tone, trying to get his attention again. I needed him to make sense of this for me. I couldn't quite do it myself. My head was starting to ache just trying to.

At first I didn't think he was going to respond, but when he finally did, he didn't move an inch. He didn't even attempt to look at me.

"Why did you do it?" He asked distantly, his voice so low that it was hard to miss the pain behind the words. It sounded almost like he was talking to himself instead of me, as though I wasn't in a fit state to give a coherent answer. Maybe that was the point.

My frown lightened just slightly as I watched him, still thankful for some communication at least. "I... don't remember," I replied honestly, my eyes darting away from him shamefully for a moment. Matt slowly started shaking his head, before his gaze rose up to meet with mine. That look in his eyes shocked me to my core. It was frightening, somehow.

"You could have died, Brianne."

His tone was clearer than before, holding a harsh and icy edge, but it done what I wanted it to. It made everything slot into place. It brought Spencer's harsh words pouring into my memories, ringing through my empty head. It bought back the flashes of crimson, the glass, the cuts on my hand. But that was all. That's where the memory ended. What had I done after that?

"I... Suppose that must have been the point," I mumbled softly. It was my turn to speak out loud to myself.

A mocking and heavy laugh fought it's way through Matt's chest, a mix of disbelief and amusement in his smile. "So you wanted to die, huh? Just like that?" He threw at me, all signs of laughter falling into a harsh expression. "You thought it would all be that easy, did you?" he snapped, his eyes throwing accusations at me.

I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt more than I could have imagined. That look and those words; I shouldn't have been receiving them from Matt. It was so cruel of him. But in truth, what more did I deserve? I fucked up, as I usually do. More than usual.

"Matt I-"

My words cut off as he suddenly got to his feet. "I can't deal with this," he muttered lowly, pushing the chair back roughly against the wall before striding towards the door in one fluid movement. My breath caught in my throat as I realised I was about to be left alone in this room, wherever the hell that may be. I realised I was about to lose him altogether if he left. He came back before, but would he this time? Would he really bother after the hell I'd obviously put him through?

I frantically tried to move my exhausted body to try and stop him, but it wasn't really listening to what I was telling it to do and I was left flailing. As I managed to roll on my side, I landed uncomfortably on left arm, resulting in a whimper of pain to fall from my lips as tears stung my eyes.

I glanced up through my now blurred vision to see Matt opening the door, ready to leave. I was defeated once more, and in that moment everything came crashing down on me, over flowing me with emotions. It was the least I could do to allow loud, heartfelt cries to escape my throat, shaking through my body. The self pity had started to kick in again.

Trying to keep my breathing steady, my eyes rose back to the door to find Matt was still there. To be more precise, he wasn't moving any way at all. I quickly bit hard on my bottom lip as I tried to suppress some of the cries from leaving my throat, but it resulted in my breathing becoming slightly more erratic instead. After a moment, he glanced back over his shoulder at me, empty eyes fixing on me. I could see that he was torn. He didn't know whether to stay, or to run as fast as he could. I couldn't blame him for the latter. I had tried to do it so many times, myself.

"Don't leave me," I choked out weakly into our silence. His expression seemed to drop immediately, yet it was still a look of utmost conflict in his thoughts. He slowly turned round so he was facing me completely, tilting his head as he watched me for the longest time. I could feel the tears still silently rolling down my cheeks, even as my breathing had finally become a little more normal.

It took a while before Matt slowly started walking across the room, back towards me. He completely bypassed the chair he had been sitting at, instead stopping just beside the double bed I was helplessly lying on, unable to move much further at this moment in time. He crouched down side it, resting his forearms along the edge and setting his chin on top of them as his eyes didn't leave me. I didn't understand.

"I'm sorry," I started quickly, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I'm so sorry, for everything, I'm just-"

"What have I told you about crying?" He interrupted softly, as if I hadn't been speaking at all. I watched him curiously as a hand outstretched in my direction, his thumb softly running across my cheeks and teasing my eyes closed. "And you apologise more than is probably healthy too..."

A teary, fluttering smile crossed my lips, while my eyes met with Matt's. He sent me his own defeated smile in return, slowly moving his hand up my face to push some hair from my eyes while studying the features beneath.

"You apologise too much, too," I countered softly, making Matt smile and drop his gaze for a second.

"Yeah, I do," he admitted lightly, his fingertip trailing down past my jaw and across my neck for a moment. His expression hardened as he moved his hand away. "Never do that again."

I frowned and bit my bottom lip softly. It was easy for him to say, wasn't it? "Matt, I-"

"No, Brianne. I don't want anymore excuses or whatever else you want to tell me. This won't work if you do," he interpreted sharply. He paused for a moment as his eyes locked with mine. "Promise me."

I watched him, hopeless of what to say or do. A promise was so easy to make and so much easier to break. I had promised myself so many times before, and yet I was still here, in this moment, today. What difference would it have now?

My fallen gaze rose as I felt Matt's hand timidly rest over mine, that was lying out beside me. His eyes flickered away from our hands and into my eyes, and it came to me all to clearly what that action meant. The very same it meant every other time two people link hands, fingers entwining and palms pressed together, even if they aren't aware of it. I'm beside you. I'm here for you. I'll help you through.

I took a deep breath, letting it out with a fluttering smile. I could do this. Not alone; never alone. But I could do this. "I promise," I mumbled softly, Matt's tired eyes lighting up. It felt so good to say it, some how. It felt good to believe, for once, that this would never happen again. It wouldn't. I wouldn't have to run away anymore; I had somewhere to turn to instead.

Matt shifted shortly, stretching his legs out to regain some height, while still stooping over the edge of the bed. I watched him curiously as he slowly climbed onto the large space beside me on the sheets, settling down on his side with a sigh and locking his eyes with mine. I smiled helplessly back, slightly wiggling my fingers on my hand that was now between us, that being all I could do without hurting my arms. Matt smiled as he got the hint, resting his own hand back over mine.

I smiled contently as I let my eye fall closed, snuggling myself down into the pillow beneath my head, under Matt's ever watchful gaze that I knew was keeping me safe. I breathed in deeply, soaking in his distant scent of aftershave and alcohol along with a very unfamiliar one. My eyes opened lightly again as it occurred to me.

"Matt, where are we?" I asked shortly, with a frown. He smiled almost bashfully in response, his gaze dropping for just a second.

"We're in Cardiff," he said lightly. "At my folks place."

I nodded slowly in response, the answer supplying a couple more questions. The answers to how my arms ended up so flawlessly bound and the fact I was avoiding a sterile environment. "Your Mam the nurse?" I questioned quite bluntly.

He chuckled softly. "Ex-nurse. But yeah," he supplied, glancing away from me. I bit my lip and sighed deeply. Just great. Now she's is going to think I'm a complete psycho or something after sorting me out. Beats a hospital knowing all my dirty secrets, I suppose, but still. Matt's Mother?

"This is 'my' room when I feel like visiting, considering I don't have my own place," he continued absently. "Kayla and Padge are in the spare room down the hall, and then my parents-"

I looked at him in complete surprise, not even waiting to hear the rest. "Wait, what? Kay and Padge are here? How come?"

"Someone had to drive me here," he said as if it was obvious. "I called Kayla, and Padge came along for the ride," he explained. I nodded again slowly, soaking in the information. So everyone knew. Maybe not Moose, but I doubt he'd be effected either way, really.

"God damn," I breathed heavily, realisation setting in. Everyone knew. "But what about you? When are you leaving for the tour?"

Matt looked thoughtful for a moment. "We'll probably leave later. It's fine, there's like six hours 'til Rory gets here."

I paused as I watched him for a moment, Matt taking my silence as the end of our conversation. He closed his tired eyes softly and snuggled a little closer to me, his nose brushing mine as he made himself comfortable. He was taking this all so lightly, but I had no clue how he managed it. They were going on tour, and I was now, apparently, stuck in Cardiff. I was in Matt's parents house for gods sake! Now what was supposed to happen?

"And what about me?" I whispered softly, half to myself. Matt's eyes opened slowly, meeting with mine.

"I thought that was obvious, Bri," he replied just as quietly, a smile ghosting his lips. "You're coming with us."