Hand of Blood

"I'm... I'm what?" I stammered quietly after a moment, not certain that I had heard right. Hell, I couldn't have heard right; that was one big lie in front of me. It couldn't be true. I wasn't leaving with them, of course I wasn't. That would be.... Absurd, wouldn't it?

Matt grinned and closed his eyes. "You heard me," he mumbled softly, that small smile growing.

"N-no!" I exclaimed suddenly, making Matt look at me oddly. "I mean, I can't just... I can't leave, Matt! What are you on?"

He drew his head back a little and looked at me confused. "Your serious, aren't you?" He asked in disbelief.

"Of course I'm fucking serious!" I shot back, making Matt snort in amusement.

"You swore," he said childishly, making me glare at him. If I had full, painless control of my limbs right now I would so hit him.

"Matt," I whined instead, just slightly annoyed with how lightly he was taking my reaction to this. There was still a little part of my mind that thought he was joking, but the rest of it was screaming that he wouldn't joke about that. He just wouldn't. "I can't go on tour with you guys, haven't we been through this? I don't belong on tour. I belong here."

"In my parents house?" He asked blankly, a large smile spreading on his lips further as I scowled at him. His gaze fell from mine, and he sighed lightly as he finally started acting maturely. "Brianne, you really want to go back there? After whatever happened? Do you think I can let you go back to that?"

"Well, I..." I started pointlessly, going off into my own thoughts. Of course he could. He could just forget anything was wrong. He could bugger off around the world and forget my name, my face. He didn't need to worry. I'd just be more problem than I was worth anyway. Hadn't I already proved that this past month? Half of the time I was just getting myself into some kind of trouble. They were better off without me.

So why did I call Matt as soon as it all fell to pieces?

"Bri," he started softly, pushing some hair from my face. "You belong with us, and everyone agrees. When I left to see you yesterday, everyone was telling me that I should drag you back with me. They all missed you, and after what, a couple of days?"

I shook my head, not being able to keep eye contact with Matt. For some reason I could feel tears welling up. "But what about Mam, I... She really does care, sometimes. Most of the time..."

"And we'll always care, won't we?" He asked lightly, making my eyes turn to him. Wasn't it your parents that were meant to always care? I wasn't sure whether it happened in my case. I wasn't sure whether that unconditional love was there anymore. But I couldn't leave that behind me for an uncertain future. My mother was all I had. We didn't get along all the time, but who honestly does.

Yet I couldn't help but hear that little voice in the back of my head screaming once more. She loved Spencer, not me. He was her everything now. I was probably just a sorry reminder of some one night stand or meaningless relationship somewhere along the line. A piece of history. Maybe she'd be happier without me after all. Maybe she'd be so angry at me for last night that she wouldn't care anymore. Maybe.

"Brianne?" Matt asked softly, snapping me from my thoughts. It was then I realised I was crying again. After today, I really was going to shoot that habit back down to where it belonged.

"Can I really... Leave?" I mumbled to myself, as Matt wiped my tears away with his thumb.

"Of course you can," he stated softly, answering the question that wasn't really directed at him. "And it's not like we're going forever either, though Kay does seem obsessed with the idea," he added with a smile in his tone. "We are coming back eventually. Hell, you could come back whenever you wanted anyway."

I nodded slowly and sniffed back my tears. He was right, it wasn't forever, and at a moments notice I could jump on a plane and be home. I could even just call to say hello. It wasn't like I was being completely cut off from her.

"So, do we have a deal?"

I bit my lip softly and looked up, straight into Matt's greying eyes. The ones that were darker than usual because he hadn't slept a wink, all for my sake. The ones that had showed me more in the past month than I had seen in years. The ones that always watched out for me.

I smiled to myself, leaning forward to ghost a kiss on his lips. "Deal," I said softly, making Matt's face light up as he smiled. He scrunched his nose up cutely before returning my kiss, with an equally light peck.

"You won't regret it," he said confidently. "It'll be amazing. Rough sometimes, but amazing. I promise."

I chuckled lightly. "You don't have to tell me, I have heard the horror stories before," I said as Matt arms wrapped over my waist, shuffling himself closer to me. "Hey, don't sleep!" I scolded quickly, noticing he was closing his eyes again.

"You've already kept me away enough, you are aware of this?" He asked with a pout, puppy dog eyes trying to win me over and let him get some much needed shut eye.

"And I appreciate that, but what am I going to do about all my stuff? My clothes, Matt, I need clothes you know," I persisted, making him sigh heavily. "And I'm hungry," I added, pursing my lips as my stomach growled, making Matt laugh softly.

"I'm sure Kayla will run you down to your place if you go ask," he said amusement in his voice. "And go raid the kitchen."

I nodded. "Sounds good to me." I paused as I realised Matt was settling down again. "Uh, Matt?"

"What?" He whined, frowning at me.

"How do you expect me to get past you?" I asked simply. His expression fell slightly and he quickly withdrew from me, shuffling backwards across the bed and pulling himself to his feet. I think the faster he thought he could get out my way, the sooner he'd be back under the duvet and in dream land. We shared a blank gaze for a minute as we obviously had different things in mind.

"Uh, so you gonna help me up or what?" I asked dully, making Matt look at me confused.

"What, you're saying you can't get up without using your arms?" He asked bluntly, apparently not taking me seriously.

"My skin is on fire, Matt. Don't be stubborn, just help me!" I growled back, not about to go into how much my whole body was killing me. Everything ached as it was, whether or not I had complete mobility of my limbs.

He sighed before crawling back onto the bed on his knees and shuffling next to me. "Roll over," he sighed lightly, as he set his hands on his hips and looked down at me with an unimpressed expression. I did as instructed, rolling onto my back and wincing a little in the process. I watched almost timidly up at Matt as he leaned down and tucked his hands beneath the small of my back. His hands flattened underneath me as he tugged upwards lightly, before leaning closer to me and wrapping his arms around me a little more.

"Can you move your arms up?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, obviously noting this was going to be more difficult than he originally thought. I hesitated for a second before raising my arms, keeping them straight as my elbows set on Matt's shoulders. "Okay, sorry if this hurts," he said quickly, as I felt him put his full strength into his arms and pull me upwards towards him.

I closed my eyes tight as I felt my body raise to meet with his as we sat up, Matt maneuvering himself so he could shuffle backwards to get us off the bed. I bit my lip to hold back my giggles, considering his face was bowed beside mine and his hair was tickling my neck.

"Hey, Matt, hows... Whoa," I heard a familiar voice call into the room, my head snapping to the side to see a startled looking Kayla in the doorway. "Fuck, never mind! I'll come back later!" She gushed quickly before I heard the door slam closed again.

I felt Matt's body freeze as my gaze wandered, slightly amazed, over the now closed door. I couldn't help but laugh softly as Matt leaned back from me a little with an equally confused expression on his face, not being completely aware of what just happened. Kayla really needed to learn to knock.

"Was that..?" He asked slowly, glancing to the now closed door.

"Yeap."

His gaze moved from mine to the door again, before his eyes ran over me and his knees that were currently straddling my waist. "Did she think we...?"

"Uh huh!" I chirped brightly making him chuckle as he continued shuffling backwards, moving me with him. It only took a few more seconds before Matt reached the bottom of the bed and slid off to stand upright, giving me one last tug when my own feet met the ground to pull me up straight. I lowered my arms slowly back to my sides and glanced up at Matt, the distance between us absolutely minimal.

"I better go catch her before... Well, yeah," I started with a smile, shuffling around Matt and heading over to the door. He smiled after me for a moment before apparently realising he now had his golden opportunity. I rolled my eyes as I watched him collapse back down onto the covers with a relaxed groan, pushing the door open with my hip and wandering out into the hall as he did so.

My eyes immediately fell on Kayla who was somewhat timidly standing halfway down the hall, shifting on her feet as if deciding which way to go. Her wide eyed gaze met with mine and she immediately hit hyper-panic mode.

"I didn't hear, uh, see... Anything or nothing, I mean I should have knocked 'cause ya know, it's you and him and... You know things like-" She paused suddenly as her expression, and floundering arms, dropped. "Oh my god, Brianne honey!" She exclaimed, rushing towards me and wrapping her arms around my neck tightly.

I laughed softly through the spark of pain from the sudden impact. "Sorry, I can't hug really back that well," I mumbled softly, making Kayla jump back abruptly.

"Oh no! Not at all, I should be sorry, did I hurt you? How are you feeling?" She gushed again, starting to chew on her lip ring as she wrapped her arms around herself, probably as part of some mental reminder to not accidentally attack me or something.

"I'm okay, thanks. Better, I think," I explained with a light smile. "Uhm, I was going to ask you something actually," I started as a bright smile spread on her lips.

"Go ahead, Hun!" She said brightly, visibly resisting the urge to hug me again. I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Well, could you drive me down to my place and help me pick up some things?" I asked lightly, noting Kayla's expression completely fall blank. "Or... Or not?" I added carefully, not quite sure why I received such a reaction.

"Pick up... Are you coming with us?" She questioned in a small voice, eyes wide in surprise. I smiled softly at her, feeling a little stupid for not realising that Matt probably hadn't explained his thought process to the rest of the group.

"Uh, if you'll have me," I replied simply, as a huge grin exploded on Kayla's features.

"No fucking way are you serious! I won't be the only girl?! Oh god I could hug you right now!" She exclaimed as she started bouncing on her toes. "Of course I'll help you honey!" She added with a flawless smile.

"Thank you," I cooed, "I'm just going to get something to eat and we'll go in a bit?"

"Oh sure!" Kayla replied. "There's no hurry, Bri, take your time."

I nodded and smiled gratefully before she spun on her heels and rushed down the hall, turning into a door a little further down from Matt's room. I would have to have been deaf not to hear her squeal of excitement through the walls once I was alone in the hall. No doubt Padge was about to get a flood of very fast paced and high pitched words.

As a loud grumble echoed out from my stomache, I decided it was time to get to the second point on my list. Soaking in my surroundings a little, I worked out the stairs were to my left, opposite to the way Kayla had been, and so turned that way. I wandered slowly down onto the ground floor, absorbing the cute, homely decor on the way, the beige's and pastel colours creating a soft atmosphere. I bit my lip as I looked around and found myself in a hall way, not quite sure where to head next. It wasn't like I had a good reason to be able to navigate around a house I had never been in before.

Following my instincts, and the sound of a washing machine towards the back of the house, I walked up the hall and glanced timidly through an an open framed door way. Definitely the kitchen, judging from the appliances. I sighed to myself and looked down at my bandaged arms, before deciding this wasn't the time to be a timid thing and just stare at the cupboards in front of me. Matt said I could raid the kitchen, and that what I was going to do. Or at least attempt to.

I started going opening random cupboard doors that were underneath the worktop, deciding I couldn't deal with reaching up to the ones lining the walls just yet. First hit, cleaning products. Second hit, wine rack. Third time lucky?

"Would you like some help?" Came a soft but amused tone, leaving me jumping straight up from my crouched position in front of the wooden doors.

I spun around quickly, plastering a huge plastic, nervous smile on my face as I did so. "N-no, I'm fine," I stumbled out by default, my gaze meeting with a pair of dark, night-sky blue eyes regarding some familiarity. "Uh. Well... well, maybe a little help, you know," I added bashfully, biting my lip and glancing away.

The older women smiled brightly and inclined her head. "Is it breakfast or lunch, for you?" She asked lightly as she wandered across and opened a cupboard hovering above the worktop.

"Breakfast, probably," I said with a small smile, as I watched her with curiosity. So this was Matt mother... Huh? The resemblance was clear enough, and those blue eyes were unmistakable too. Along with a natural mousy brown hair that I had heard the guys tease Matt about before, she fit the bill perfectly. She wasn't much taller than me though, I noted. He must have got being so ridiculously tall from his dads side.

"Cereal is in that cabinet, dear, help yourself," she added after a moment, now having removed a bowl from the cupboard and placed it on the wooden worktop.

"Right, cheers," I mumbled quickly, spinning walk across to where she had indicated. It was slightly intimidating that she was being so casual about this. Of course, it wasn't like she didn't see me last night, but we hadn't exactly had a formal introduction, especially on my side. Maybe I was just thinking too much.

After picking a box out from the supply of cereals, I wandered back across to the worktop, where the bowl was also sitting beside a carton of milk and a spoon, that Matt's mother had provided while I was hiding my face in the breakfast cupboard.

"How are you feeling this morning, Brianne?"

My eyes stayed fixed on the chocolate covered o's that I was pouring into the bowl as I spoke. "Uhm, I'm okay," I started carefully, glancing across to see an unconvinced look on her face. A real motherly expression. One that you couldn't lie too.

"I've been better, I suppose," I admitted after a moment, placing the box back down on the side. I sighed inwardly as I let my arms rest by my sides for a moment. I really was still pretty drained.

I started chewing my lip as I started at my bowl of dry cereal. What must she think of me? Really? That I'm some unstable weirdo. That her sons got mixed up with some suicidal lunatic. That wasn't what I was. I wasn't even close.

"I'm... I'm sorry about... You know," I started, unsure, glancing back to look into those soft eyes.

A frown crept into her brow. "Sorry? Why, you have no reason to be."

"No, no I do!" I persisted, suddenly adamant. "You probably think the worst of me, and I swear I'm not a bad person. Honestly, I'm really not," I almost pleaded, begging with my eyes. "I just... I-"

"I know you're a good person, Brianne," she said with a light chuckle, an easing smile on her lips.

I paused for a moment and bit my lip. "You, you do?"

She nodded, before turning away from me and walking over to the sink. "Matt has mentioned you in passing conversation. Granted I think it was a slip of the tongue, because he's usually a covert thing, but all the same," she said half to herself, as she washed her hands and dried them, turning back to me. I watched on curiously as she tilted her head. "Do you mind if I check on them?" She asked carefully, raising her eyebrows as she nodded towards me, eyes flickering over my arms for a second.

"Oh, g-go ahead!" I replied nervously, quickly holding my arms out straight in front of me as if commanded to do so. Apparently that was to her amusement too, as she let out another small laugh and approached me.

I bit my lip as I watched her take my left hand gently, slowly unwinding the gauze. "I expect they'll be healed pretty quickly," she started absently, diligently revealing the damage on my hand. I almost froze at the sight. "Just small flesh wounds, you know. They'll be itching like hell in about a week though," she added playfully, catching my gaze. She could feel my unease, and I knew it. Matt always could, too.

"Mrs Tuck, I don't think-"

"Oh please, call me Mam. Kayla does," she interrupted brightly as she waved off the comment, though apparently she felt my unease sky rocket as she said it. "Or Hannah is fine, too."

I nodded slowly and bit my lip as I felt the gauze start to tighten again, it being wrapped back along my forearm, causing me to wince just slightly. "Well, I was just going to say thanks. I mean, I don't think I can thank you enough. And you let me in your home and-"

"Matt, brought you into my home," she said with a snort, holding up a finger as she corrected me. "But I suppose I couldn't say no to my little boy," she sighed as she dropped her hands back to her sides. Her gaze rose back up to mine as she seemed to scrutinize me for a moment. I smiled faintly as I lowered my head, turning back to my cereal bowl still resting on the worktop behind me.

I wasn't sure what else to say, so I didn't reply, instead continuing to prepare my late morning breakfast. She didn't want my gratitude, I now knew that. Why? Because she had done it for her son. Because she cared.

"Well, thanks for the help... Hannah," I forced out, sending her a polite smile as I picked the cereal bowl up from the side.

She inclined her head. "Of course, dear. I noticed Matt's too lazy to lift a finger for you," she added lightly, as she went about getting clothes out of the washing machine that had stopped spinning.

I bit my lip softly. "He has good reason to," I said as though it was obvious.

"Ah of course. The chivalrous knight in shining armor, yes?" She mused. "I've taught him well, I guess. He does have a good heart though, remember that, Brianne."

I paused and looked at her with confusion. "Uhm, sure. I think he does too."

She smiled back at me brightly, almost approvingly. "I'm glad," she replied, honesty ringing clear in her tone. I smiled back lightly as I turned to the doorway, watching her for a moment longer, her attention once again on the damp clothes.

"Uh, where's the bathroom?" I asked absently, as it suddenly occured to me that I hadn't looked in a mirror in a frightfully long time. Here I was, speaking to Matt's mother, and I was probably a right state. Was I still wearing makeup last night? Would it be smeared down my face right now? I couldn't remember.

"It's the door right opposite Matt's," she replied lightly, not even glancing back at me. I nodded to myself, even though I knew she wouldn't see it, before turning out of the room and back into the hall. I headed back to the first floor, eyes wandering over the doors along the upstairs hall. Sure enough, there was one directly opposite Matt's.

I sighed inwardly and glanced down at the bowl resting carefully in my hands, moving over to Matt's door and pushing it open again. Now that I was actually examining it, the room was pretty sparce. To be fair, I suppose, he didn't exactly live here. It held certain roomy qualities amongst the bare furniture, though, even if it was just the odd piece of clothing on the ground or a couple of Cd's on a shelf.

As I walked across to place the cereal bowl on the bed-side table, Matt's lazy eyes peered up at me, his body wrapped tightly in the duvet. A sleepy smile crossed his face and he rolled over slightly, watching what I was doing.

"Are you stealing my Wheetos?!" He exclaimed with a gasp as he towered over the bowl. He glanced up at me with his jaw dropped as I waltzed away.

"Uh-huh," I replied easily as I walked back across his room. "I'll be right back, don't steal them," I added as I maneuvered out of the door again, sending him a playful glare on my way out. I heard him huff and fall back onto the bed heavily as the door shut behind me, and my eyes set on the closed on opposite. Biting my lip, I slowly stepped across the hall towards it, before carefully pushing it open. I guess I was a little paranoid it might still, somehow, be the wrong room.

To my great relief, I found that I hadn't been directed to the wrong room, and I quickly wandered in. After glancing around the good sized, sparkling white and immaculately clean room, my eyes settled on the mirror above the sink, on the opposite wall. Teeth still firmly locked on my bottom lip, I stepped boldly up to it, but closed my eyes the moment I reached the reflecting surface in a wave of distaste. I was half liking being oblivious to my appearance.

After a moment I took a deep breath, gripped the cold edge of the sink as best I could, and cautiously opened my eyes. I instantly cringed, instinctively wanting nothing more than to run my fingers through my extremely ragged and out of shape hair. Except, that wouldn't be in the best interests of my arms. I huffed to myself defiantly, and quite aggressively, raised my shaking left hand to run through the dark strands, trying to set them into some kind of order. I swallowed hard as I let my arm fall back to my side just as quickly, the wounds burning, still far too fresh to be able to move with any comfort. A couple of days, a week maybe, hadn't Matt's mother said? I'd done worse before. I supposed that was the bright side I had to look forward to.

I sighed heavily and stooped forward as I looked over my appearance. My eyes were dark and panda like, and for once it was a natural look, while my skin had adopted a pastey tone, far from it's natural one. I licked my lips as I noticed just how chapped they were, mentally noting I would need to hunt down the chap-stick once I got home. Either way, I certainly didn't have a good look going on right now.

It was then that something suddenly caught my eye, which instantly made me pause. My eyebrows knitted together as I leaned a little closer to the shimmering mirror, curiosity getting the better of me. I very slowly moved my aching hand upwards, timidly letting my fingertips dance across my throat, my blood running cold the moment they reached the skin. There was a blemish. An indent. A cut. Tiny, but it was there. Did anyone else notice it? Did Matt..?

"Fuck," I choked out, realising my breathing had stopped for a moment. My chest rose quickly with my breaths, as my gaze fell to ground completely lost. Of course he noticed, that fear in his eyes wasn't for nothing. His promise wasn't for nothing. Yet I'd never imagined I would have tried something like that, and neither could I believe it. That was low. That was so fucking low I couldn't quite make sense of it, but answers only lead to more questions.

Why on earth didn't I finish what I started?

I shook my head roughly as I tore myself away from the mirror, slamming my shoulder, without care, into the door as I rushed through it, following straight on to the one across the hall. As I stumbled into the room, Matt rolled lazily over from facing the wall, completely unaware of my discovery. Did he ever think I would notice?

His momentary serene expression and light smile fell into concern the second he laid eyes on me. I could do nothing more than stand frozen to the floor in the center of the room, watching him back with empty eyes. Could he really read me so clearly?

"Brianne, love, what are you doing," he said slowly and cautiously, as he untangled himself from the sheets and timidly stood up, eyes never once leaving me. I started shaking my head slowly under his fearful gaze, that was bouncing from my lifeless eyes to my hand that was still desperatly clutching at my throat. Was he really afraid of what I could do, now? Had I gone to far?

"Brianne," he repeated lowly, my gaze snapping up as I realised he was much closer than he had been a second before. "What are you doing," he said much more firmly, his deep tone seeping through me. I felt his fingers slowly wrap around my wrist, tugging at it lightly until the feeling of the rough gauze left my sensitive skin, and my arm was lead back down to my side. Instead, naturally calloused fingers skimmed the skin of my cheek, trying to capture my attention.

I swallowed as my eyes rested somewhere beyond Matt, directly level with his chest yet looking through him. "I.. I'm sorry," I said in a hollow tone that I couldn't quite place as my own. It held a strength I didn't think I possessed. It was free from the tears that were usually littering my actions and begging for forgiveness. Would it really do any good now, either way? "I didn't... I didn't mean to..." I tried, frowning to myself as I tried to make sense of it again. I wasn't sure how I could say that so confidently. Of course I meant to, I just wasn't aware of it.

"I... I know, Brianne," Matt said slowly, as he took a step towards me, arms wrapping around me loosely as his body met with mine. His chin rested on top of my head, as his hand placed flat against my guided me into his chest. Yet my eyes still lifelessly watched nothing, and I didn't respond to his movements. They simply were. "It's okay now."

I hoped he was right. I willed with all my heart that his words were true... If only I could still really remember what it meant to be okay.