The Voice Inside His Head

Matt drummed his fingers against his knees as he waited. Then he cracked his fingers. After that, he cracked his neck. “Come on already!” he finally yelled toward the bathroom where she was getting ready. He had been waiting for ages and they were late. Not that Zacky would mind, Matt was sure everyone at the party was expecting him and Laura to be late. They had been together for almost a year and that girl was notoriously late to everything. It didn‘t always bother him, but then there were nights like tonight, and he fucking hated being ready on time and then having to sit around for an hour doing nothing but wait.

“Seriously babe, what the hell is taking you so long? You looked fine thirty minutes ago, I can‘t imagine what else you need to do!”

Then the bathroom door opened. “Fina-” he began but stopped himself when he saw her. “Wow. You look amazing.”

She did a little twirl for him. “You like?”

“Fuck yeah, I like. Come here.” He motioned for her to come sit on his lap. She raised her eyebrows at him but he just nodded. She shook her head as she walked over to him and sat down facing him. It caused her dress to rise up a bit and Matt noticed immediately.

He put his hand on her right thigh, pushing the dress up even higher. She put her hand on his. “Matt, we don‘t have time for that.”

His put his free arm on her back and pulled her closer to him. “We‘ll make time.”

He was almost impossible to resist. “But we‘re going to be late…” she tried.

“Being on time is overrated,” he whispered as he kissed her neck.

She laughed. “Oh, it is, huh? Since when?”

He looked at her. “Since I decided that I need you right now.”

She smiled at him. Every time she looked into those hazel eyes of his, it was like she fell a little more in love with him. She leaned her head forward, stopping when their lips were almost touching, but not quite. “Well then, who am I to disagree with that?” she whispered before she kissed him.

They arrived about an hour and a half too late to Zacky’s birthday part, but no one seemed surprised by that. When Zacky asked if Laura had been late again, Matt had just grinned in response. Zacky had handed him a beer, laughed and said, “Nice”.

Matt liked that she got along so well with his friends. It was like she had been a part of their group since the beginning when in reality it had been less than a year. The first time he met her was at Johnny‘s place. She was working with his girlfriend, Lacey, and somehow, Matt had started talking to her that night. He was seeing someone else at the time so nothing else came of it, but he always remembered the girl with the incredibly blue eyes. Six weeks later, they happened to run into each other at the beach. They talked once again and because he was now single, he asked her out for coffee. The coffee date led to a dinner date which led to a movie date that ended with her spending the night at his place. They had been together ever since.

He looked around the living room, trying to spot her. Some of the girls had dragged her away about half an hour ago and he was already missing her.

He walked into the kitchen where he found one of the girls she had walked away with. “Hey, do you know where Laura is?” he asked her.

“Uh yeah, I think she‘s outside,” she replied and motioned toward the front door.

Matt thanked her and headed that way. He didn’t see her at first, he didn’t see anyone. Then he heard her voice.

“It‘s going to be okay, Brian, I promise.”

He stopped right away, not wanting to draw any attention to himself. He quietly walked around one of the cars that was parked in the driveway and there they were.

“You are the best,” he heard Brian say before he pulled Laura into a hug. A hug that she returned.

He took a few quiet steps back and then hurried away. He didn’t want them to know that he had seen them. And what was it exactly that he had seen? Why was his girlfriend hugging his best friend? Why was his best friend telling his girlfriend that she was the best? Why were they out there by themselves? Why wasn’t she with the girls? Was this the first time they were talking like this? Did they do this often? What exactly was this? His mind went into overdrive and then it was like something inside of him snapped.

He took a deep breath as he came to the conclusion that they were leaving, right now. He went back inside, found Zacky and told him that unfortunately they had to leave, and then went to find Laura. He found her just as she walked inside.

“We need to leave,” he said, not even looking at her as he spoke.

“Leave? But why?” she asked. He took a couple of steps past her and she put her arm on his. “Matt, what‘s going on?”

He turned and looked at her. She thought his eyes seemed unusually cold. “I have the worst headache, I have to get home right away.”

“Oh, okay,” she replied. “I’ll just grab my bag.” She went to get it and returned not even a minute later. “Alright, I‘m ready.”

He grabbed her arm and started walking out of the house and toward his car.

He was walking fast and she found it hard to keep up, not to mention that he was almost pulling her behind him with the way he was holding on to her arm.

“Matt, ease up a little.” Instead, it felt like the grip on her arm only tightened. “Matt, I‘m serious! It hurts!” She pulled her arm away and gave him a hurt look.

He didn’t say anything as he got into the driver’s seat. She got in on the passenger side and looked at him. “Are you sure you’re okay to drive? I haven‘t had a lot to drink so I could-”

“Can you just…!” He didn’t finish the sentence, seeing the worry in her eyes when his arms flew out. “I don‘t mean to snap at you but can we be quiet for a little while and just go home?”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said in a low voice. She spent the whole drive staring out the window in silence, sneaking glances at him every now and then. Something was off with him tonight.

Neither said a word as they entered his house, and the silence continued as they were laying in bed. He was on his side, back turned to her.

She reached out to him, softly caressing his shoulder. “Do you want to…”

He instantly got up. “No! I can‘t even fucking think right now, my head is hurting so bad. The last thing I want is to get laid.”

It was her turn to turn away from him. “Fine. I‘m sorry.”

Matt took a couple of deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. He got into bed again. “I‘m sorry, babe, it‘s not you at all. Look, I‘m sure I‘ll feel better in the morning. Let‘s just sleep.”

“Okay,” she said quietly.

“I love you,” he said as he put an arm around her, pulling her back against his chest and then kissed her shoulder.

“I love you too,” she replied as she nestled into him.

When Matt woke up the next morning, it was almost like he could hear a voice inside his head saying, “She‘s going to cheat on you. You know she will. She‘s a cheater, Matt. Didn‘t you see the way he touched her? Laura‘s just like her.”

As realization hit him, the voice was back, Matt closed his eyes and it was like he traveled twelve years back in time…

A 17-year old Matt Sanders was punching his fists against the walls of his bedroom. His mother was crying in the doorway, having fallen to the ground as she watched the destruction that had been caused by her son’s hands. His little sister was sitting by her, trying to comfort her while she yelled at Matt to stop. His father had dared to actually step inside his son’s room.

“Please, Gary, make him stop!” his mother called out.

“Matthew, what’s wrong?” his father said. “Please, we‘ll help you if you just talk to us.”

It wasn’t that Matt didn’t want to say anything, it was that he couldn’t. He just continued smashing his fists against the wall. The walls were the only things that he hadn’t managed to break yet, although the holes he was leaving showed that he was well on his way.

His hands were bloody and his knuckles most likely broken, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop because then he would have to think about the fact that his girlfriend was cheating on him. He couldn’t stop. The voice inside his head was telling him not to stop.

After an hour the voice quieted down and Matt collapsed.

He spent the next 18 months at a psychiatric hospital. The voice continued speaking to him for months after he was admitted and no one could understand why. He was strapped to a bed, for his own safety, and heavily medicated, to the point that every doctor who saw him said that it should be impossible for him to even have coherent thoughts. It shouldn’t have been possible for the voice to still be there, but it was.

Then one day, as suddenly as it had first appeared when he had started suspecting his girlfriend’s infidelity, the voice disappeared.

Four months after that, Matt was officially deemed to no longer be a threat to himself or those around him. He was free.

Matt returned back to reality as he heard Laura in the bathroom. He couldn’t believe that the voice would be back. It couldn’t be. It had been twelve years…

For the next two months, the voice started appearing more often, catching him at the must unexpected times. He was standing in the shower when he all of a sudden heard “You can‘t trust her.” He was sitting in the kitchen, watching her cook, and heard “Cheater.” He was with her and the gang at a bar and when he saw her talking to Brian, he heard “She wants him. You see it, don‘t you?” It was like the more he saw her with Brian, the louder and more persistent the voice seemed to get.

Then the outbursts of anger started. He would smash a mirror or put his fist through a door or break a table, anything he could put his hands on, he destroyed. Anything but Laura. She knew what had happened to him twelve years earlier and she was the one person who managed to calm him down, always telling him that everything would be okay. He wanted to believe her, not the voice that was telling him otherwise. He loved her and he knew that she loved him back. She wanted to be there for him and help him. Little did she know that that would be her downfall…

The night everything changed started out like any other night.

Matt glanced at the time as then sighed. He had already been waiting for about 20 minutes and previous experiences told him that he would most likely be waiting another 40. They were just going to a bar so it wasn’t like they had an actual time that they needed to get there, he just hated waiting.

He wasn’t really doing anything when she entered the bedroom, dressed in nothing but her underwear. He looked over at her and she winked. She was wearing the bra and panties that he had picked out for her the last time they went shopping so he knew that she was walking around in it on purpose.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. “Fuck,” was all he managed to get out.

She licked her lips as she leaned against a wall. “If you want to, sure.”

Matt chuckled as he walked up to her and pushed his body against hers, making her let out a strangled moan. He quickly pulled down his pants and boxers, and then did the same with her panties.

“I fucking love you,” he said as he entered her in one swift move and then proceeded to lift her arms and pin them against the wall.

She gasped at the feeling of him inside her and threw her head back, giving Matt the perfect opportunity to lick along her throat. “I… love you… too…” she panted as he picked up the speed, and then her eyes fluttered shut.

When he pulled out several minutes later, he heard the voice. It was louder than ever before as it said, “Tonight, Matt. It‘s happening tonight.” He instantly took a step back, staring at Laura in shock before he turned away from her.

He felt her hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” He turned around to face her. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat, “I‘m fine. We should probably get going though.”

Four hours later, Matt was drunk. He hadn’t been without a drink in his hand during the whole night, hoping that being drunk would make the noise in his head disappear. It had worked so for. He returned from a quick visit to the bathroom to find that Lacey had returned to their table and Laura had not. The girls had all gone dancing together and since Gena was still gone, he figured that Laura must be with her. He tried to look for her around the dance floor but he couldn’t spot her. He saw the other girls, minus Lacey, but he couldn’t find Laura.

“Do you know where Laura is? I can‘t see her anywhere,” he said to Jimmy who was standing next to him.

“Maybe she‘s keeping Brian company while he smokes?” he suggested.

Matt instantly tensed up. “Go outside,” he heard in his head. He didn’t want to, but he felt like he had no choice. He thanked Jimmy and then he headed outside, hoping almost desperately that he would be wrong and she wouldn’t be out there with Brian.

He was right. Unfortunately for her, he was right.

When he saw them, they were pulling away from each other, the way two people would do after they had kissed. The voice yelled “I told you!” and Matt instantly saw red.

It only took a few seconds for him to reach them and he pushed Brian. “Get the fuck away from her!”

The two men were staring each other down, neither saying a word.

“Brian, go,” Laura finally said with a sigh and he gave her a look as to make sure that she was sure. She nodded and gave him a small smile and he nodded in return.

Brian looked at Matt again. “There’s nothing going on here, man,” he said and then he quickly disappeared back inside the bar.

Matt turned around and looked at Laura. The necklace she was wearing had an L in gold on it. It supposedly stood for her name but now he wondered if it actually stood for Liar.

“That was not what it looked like,” she said as calmly as she could in the hopes that it would calm him down. It didn’t.

“We‘re going home.” Just like he had done months before when he found her with Brian, he grabbed her arm and started pulling her with him. But this time his grip was much tighter and he was much angrier.

“You‘re drunk, you can‘t drive. Let‘s just talk about this and then we can get a cab home.” She tried to stop him but he refused and just continued dragging her behind him. “Matt, stop!” she yelled.

He ignored her until they were by the car. He opened the door and looked at her. “Get in the fucking car, now!” When she refused to move, he pushed her in and slammed the door.

It was a short drive to his house and Matt wasn’t worried about it. He wasn’t even drunk anymore. He was too angry for that. As he started the car, she opened her mouth again. “Matt, please.”

He looked at her. She instantly covered against the door. His eyes looked like they were on fire. It was unlike anything she had ever seen.

He drove like a mad man. The only noise in the car was his heavy breathing. Inside his head however, things were a lot louder. “Punish her. You need to punish her. Hurt her the way you‘re hurting right now. Make her beg for mercy,“ he heard the voice say.

The car stopped outside his house and he got out. She didn’t, so he walked over to her side, opened the door, grabbed her arm again and pulled her out. Then he dragged her inside.

“You fucking kissed him!” he screamed as he closed and locked the door and then faced her.

“No, Matt, I didn‘t.”

Her lies only made him angrier and he grabbed her arm again. “I fucking saw you!”

She looked down at her arm. There were already red marks all over from the way he grabbed her earlier. She looked up at him again. “Matt, you‘re scaring me!” she whispered.

“Then stop fucking lying to me! Are you fucking him behind my back?”

“No, I would never. We only-” was all he heard.

“Liar! Shut her up, shut her up, shut her up!” the voice repeated on and on his head. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. It was like something took over him completely. The voice inside his head was no longer just a voice, it was a part of him. His fist made contact with her face and she instantly fell to the ground.

She covered her mouth with her hand as she cried. Then she spit into her hand and screamed as she saw a tooth covered in blood.

There was silence in his head as he looked down at her in horror. “Baby, I‘m so sorry. I‘m so, so sorry.” He crouched down to touch her but she instantly got up as he got closer.

“Get away from me!” she screeched as she ran up the stairs.

“She‘s going to tell someone. You need to stop her,” Matt heard in his head.

He took a deep breath as he followed her. She was just about to close the bathroom door when he pulled it open again. Her cell phone was in her hands and as he grabbed it from her. He wasn’t surprised to see that the number she was calling didn’t go to the police, it went to Brian. A loud crash could be heard as her phone made contact with the wall.

“Fucking whore,” he spat at her and then he grabbed her by the hair, pulling her head back so that she fell to the ground. He dragged her into the bedroom, blocking out her cries and screams as he lifted her up and threw her on the bed. Her head slammed against the headboard and she screamed even louder.

Now she was holding her head, her mouth and chin bloody and with a terrified look in her eyes.

“Matt, we can work through this. Please, it‘s another one of your episodes. I know it‘s not your fault. I won‘t tell anyone, I promise.” She was begging for mercy, hoping that some part of the real Matt was still in there and could hear her.

“You’re a fucking liar!” he screamed over and over as he advanced on her. He got on the bed and pulled her legs so that she ended up lying on her back. He was sitting on top of her, one leg on either side of her body.

“I loved you so much.” He spoke calmly now and a part of her hoped that maybe it was over. She opened her eyes and what she saw scared her more than anything that had taken place tonight.

Somewhere, somehow, he had gotten hold of a knife. He was holding it in his right hand, his arm raised. “Did you fuck him?” he asked and the calm in his voice was scarier than the anger.

“No!” she cried out. Then she screamed as she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. She looked down and saw the blood flowing.

He raised the now bloody knife again. “Let‘s try one more time, Laura. Did you fuck him?”

“No,” she yelled out and then screamed once more as the knife went through her flesh a second time.

Matt bent down, his face hovering just a few inches above hers. “Don‘t lie to me! Did you fuck him? Tell me the truth, you lying fucking bitch, or I will kill you! Do you understand me? Did you fuck him?”

“Yes,” she whispered as she closed her eyes shut tight. “I did. I‘m sorry, I‘m so sorry,” she cried. She just wanted it all to stop.

Matt’s reaction was not quite what she was hoping for. They both screamed, she in pain and he in anger, as he drove the knife into her several times. All he could think of was making her hurt, making her bleed, making her feel the pain. He wanted to punish her.

He didn’t know how long he had been doing it or how many times he had stabbed her, but all of a sudden, he dropped the knife.

“Laura…” he whispered. She tried to open her eyes but couldn’t. “Oh my god, Laura!” he said louder as he realized what he had just done. He quickly got off her and pulled her into his arms. “Laura, baby, open your eyes. Open your eyes, Laura.”

For a few quick seconds he got to see those blue eyes that he had fallen head over heels in love with. And then she gasped.

He could feel the life leaving her body and he was the one who had done it.

He pulled her closer to him as he started to cry. “Oh god, please forgive me. I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me, Laura. I love you. I love you so much.”

Matt sat there for hours, her lifeless and bloody body in his arms, as he cried and begged for forgiveness.

When the sun came up, he got up. He stared at himself in the mirror, her blood covering him. “What are you?” he screamed.

“I am you,” was the very calm answer he received. Matt stared at the mirror and he could clearly see in his reflection that his lips were moving, saying the same words that he heard inside his head.

Was there no voice? Was it him all along?